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RAW SATIRE    
WWE Babies Stage a Prison Break

November 8, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The Trial of Triple H began. Will his reign of terror over WWE finally endÖTONIGHT?!

 

Hunterís sitting alone in his cell.

Triple H: Iíve got to find some way to get the hell out of this place. I guess itís too much to hope for Flair or Thetista to bake me a cake with a sledgehammer in it though

Not So Mysterious Voice: Yeah, probably.

 

HHH: Cena?! Is that you?!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YOOOOO-

HHH: I believe you. I believe you. What are you doing down here?

Cena: Oh, Michael Tarver hit me with a chair a couple days ago and dragged me down here.

HHH; Whatíd he do that for?

Cena: I dunno. I havenít said two words to that guy ever. So, youíre getting executed or whatever?

HHH: Yeah. Which is ridiculous. I donít deserve to be in here. I DONíT DESERVE TO BE IN HERE!

Tough Enough Jessie: Go to bed, you two!

Cena: Oh well. Good night, Hunter. Sorry I tried to kill you.

HHH: Wait! This gives me the perfect idea of how weíre going to escape!

The prison goes fuzzy.

(Opening Credits)

John Cena:

WWE Babies, weíre coming after you,
WWE Babies, Iím gonna hit the FU!

Triple H: When you go to prison and you wish that you werenít there-

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: Just close your eyes and make believe, and then hit a guy with a chiar.

HHH: I like adventure!

Stephanie: Not romance?

Cena: And the Champ-

ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ: Machine Gun DANCE!

Michael Cole: If I can have your attention-

Kelly Kelly Kelly: My head is filled with air!

Mark Henry: I got STANK!

Randy Orton: My favorite movie is Twilight …clair!

Jim Ross: BAH GOD!

Zack Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Tough Enough Jessie: Is everything all right in here?

WWE Babies: Yes, Jessie!

Cena:

WWE Babies are coming after you!
WWE Babies, I also know the STFU!
WWE WWE WWE WWE
Babies Babies Babies Babies

THE CHAMP IS-

HHH: That doesnít rhyme.

Cena:

Coo.

Dave Meltzer: That was terrible!

Bryan Alvarez: How is that any different than the rest of this show?

Meltzer: I wasnít talking about the show I was talking abuot the stroke I got from watching that mess.

In jailÖ.

HHH: All right, WWE Babies. Line up. Weíve got to find some way out of this crib, and if that means going on an adventure, so be it. All we need is a bunch of armoires.

Stephanie: How exactly do you expect us to find a bunch of furniture, Hunty?

HHH: I just come up with the ideas, piggy. And quit calling me Hunty. Thatís not even close to my name. Mark, play us a song and help us think.

Henry: Man, I donít know how to play piano! I break pianos. Iím gonna break this piano so hard that youíre gonna be glad it isnít your face!

Cena: I can rap-

All: NO!

Cole: If I can have your attention, please, my laptop has a message from the WWE Babies General Manager. According to him or her, thereís at least an 87.7% chance that The Animal can eat his way out of the crib.

Ross: I find your claims highly dubious. This is about to get bowling shoe ugly, folks.

Cole: Oh shut up, fatty. Somebody check Jimmyís diaper! I think heís got anal bleeding! Thatís bleeding from the anus, folks! Now trending on Twitter!

Ross: Save me, Ryder!

Ryder: Woowoowoowoo!

Ryder chases Cole off.

HHH: Well, Dave, do you think you can do it?

TheTista bites at the bars, unsuccessfully.

Batista: Now I have no TEETH!

Kelly: I have an idea!

Everyone laughs.

Orton: Gargoyles canít have ideas, silly. But I must admin, you are one nightly fine chicken. Kamilla Kamilla Kamilla, will you do me the honker of being my loftily webbed hide?

Kelly: Ew! I totally hate you. Take your schnozz elsewhere!

Orton: Ack and alas!

HHH: Donít you talk about anybodyís nose like that, Kelly. Go see how Cole is doing. Cena, Iím almost afraid to ask, but do you have any ideas?

Cena: Of course I do. This situation sure is poopy! I mean. Butts! Am I right? And peepee! Deez nuts!

Cena throws a handful of peanuts at nothing in particular. Batista dives on top of them and begins gumming at them intensely.

HHH: How the hell did you think that would help?

Cena: What were we doing again? I thought we were trying to cure Mark of his hiccups! You gotta laugh Ďem out, Mark!

HHH: No we were not trying to cure Markís hiccups!

Henry: Why not?! Why isnít this about me? Nobody cares about your damn bars! This is my sho-hiccup!

Stephanie: Stay strong, Mark!

HHH: I thought you were supposed to be on my-

Stephanie karate chops Hunter across the crib.

HHH: Yow! Can you do that to the bars?

Stephanie: NO!

Hunter collapses to the floor in dejection.

HHH: I really wish Nibblins was here. Sheíd know what to do.

Orton: Niblettes, huh? Is she a hot chicken?

HHH: No, Randy. Thatís my cat. You know that.

Orton: Gross, dude!

(ads)

Meltzer: Iím going to give Cena five stars for tonight!

Alvarez: You liked his jokes that much?

Meltzer: No! Throwing stars! Right in the face!

Alvarez: Doo hoo hoo!

Back in the cribÖ.

Kelly: I think Michael is dead. And his computer was just a piece of cardboard.

Ross: Nah, a dose of my famous barbecue sauce will fix him right up. Ryder get me myÖRyder! Did you use my medicinal barbecue sauce to spike your hair?!

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Ross: I knew it!

HHH: Nobody cares about Cole! Heís the least popular character! Except for Kelly, of course.

Kelly: Hey!

Orton: I care about you, Kamilla!

Kelly: Ew!

HHH: Ok, this is ridiculous. Everybody, use your imaginations really hard and give me your best idea for how to get out of this crib. Go!

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo!

Ross: NO! We call Stone Cold! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Henry: STANK! Thatís all I got to say! You want me to play piano, you get my worst idea. STANK!

Kelly: We do an entire dream sequence where we roleplay all the different parts of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, thereby learning valuable lessons about each other, friendship, and responsibility. Then we all have snack time and a nap.

HHH: Thatís the stupidest-

Orton: I think I has the solution! Fourth, we load me up into a cabin, then we fire over the clip wall and I land soggily on the carpet, then I-

Batista: Maybe I can eat the BARS!

Stephanie: We tried-

Batista: Eat BARS! Eat BARS!

Cena: Maybe we can scare them out!

HHH: Still not talking about Markís hiccups.

Henry: WHY NOT?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY HICCUPS?! YOU GOT A HICCUP PROBLEM!?

Cole barely lifts his head.

Cole: If I can have your-

Stephanie steps on his face.

Stephanie: What about moi? Whatís so wrong with being stuck in this crib with me, Hunty? Maybe we can build a blanket fort and rub snouts like old times!

HHH: God, would you people lay off my nose?! These ideas are all terrible! What do I pay you people for?!

(ads)

Meltzer: Booo! Boooo!

Alvarez: You hate the show that much, huh?

Meltzer: No, itís Halloween!

Alvarez: And this is your ghost costume?

Meltzer: No! That last segment was so bad I died. And now Iím a ghost. BOO!

Back in the cribÖ.

HHH: Weíre never going to get out of here, are we, Ryder?

Ryder: Woo woo woo.

T.E. Jessie: WWE Babies! WWE Babies! I need to go over to Animal Planet to make a documentary about what porcupines are doing when nobody is looking. But we got a very special guest to watch you while Iím gone. Aunt Fanny!

All: YAY!

Tough Enough Jessie leaves.

HHH: WaitÖwho the hell is Aunt Fanny?

Aunt Fanny: WOOO! Itís me! THE NATURE BOY!

Stephanie: Ric!

Flair: Aunt Fanny was what all the ladies called me back in the Ď70s! WOO! Because I was a limoridinjetflyinwheelindealinfartinpoptartinsonofagunbecauseImthenatu-

A cannon fires from somewhere and Randy Orton lands on his head next to Flair.

Orton: A perfect shart.

Flair: WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

Henry: Iím the champ! I am!

HHH: Naitch! You gotta help us get out of here! Can you do something about these bars?

Flair starts chopping the bars, and eventually both they (and his arms) shatter.

Flair: Totally worth it! WOO!

The prison comes back into focus.

HHH: YouÖdid it? YOU DID IT! Iím FREE!

Next Week: Triple Hís newfound freedom teaches him that a Table for One, can indeed be fun.

Meltzer: Ugh! He escaped? After two weeks? That doesnít make any sense.

Alvarez: More sense than anything that happens in your stupid MMA.

Meltzer: You know, Iím tired of WWE! Itís terrible.

Alvarez: Awful.

Meltzer: Disgusting!

Alvarez: Boring!

Meltzer: See you next week?

Alvarez: Of course!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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