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RAW SATIRE    
Escape to Which Island?

November 10, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H escaped. Where will he end up…TONIGHT?
 

Triple H: Ok…where are we?

Randy Orton: Accordingly to this mop, we art somehow between ketchup and moose hard.

HHH: Randy, you’re looking at an actual mop. With ketchup and mustard on it.

Orton: That’s wit I said.

 


Stephanie McMahon: Where was that prison anyway? I just sort of figured it was in Oklahoma City because that’s where the trial was, but we’re on some sort of weird desert island, and I don’t think there’s any islands in Oklahoma. Or water.

John Cena: Do you want me to rap about it?

All: No.

Mark Henry: Man, I don’t care where we are, but I want something to eat. I’m hungry, and when I get hungry I get STANKED!

“Dave’ Batista “Davidson”: I do not have any TEETH!

Michael Cole: Michael Cole and Kelly Kelly Kelly at ringside, and Kelly, I have to ask you about the escape of Triple H!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Stay away from me, you creep!

(Opening Credits)

Kelly: Seriously, Cole, come any closer and I will cut you. My teeth have been sharpened into razor-like edges.

Michael Cole: That’s ok! I know for a fact that Jim Ross is at home dying right now of a broken heart because nobody bought his stupid beef jerky. And also I have an entire raft full of heroin!

HHH: Wait! You have a raft?!

Cole: Full of heroin!

Batista: Let me at THAT!

Batista dives into the raft and begins pointlessly gumming at the rubber.

Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOO! Forget that heroin raft! Look what I’ve got!

HHH: A…polar bear?

Stephanie: Very observant.

Flair: That’s why he’s the champ! WOOO!

HHH: Yeah, ok. Why do you have a polar bear, Ric? Why would you…Just…Why?

Flair: Because, I thought it’d be cool to have a polar bear, and this one was only $5 million!

HHH: Oh, Ric, how are you ever going to get out of debt if you go around buying polar bears?

Henry: What you looking at, polar bear? You want a piece of me?! YOU WANT A PIECE OF MARK HENRY!? WELL COME GET SOME! I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO POLAR BEARS! WELCOME TO THE HALL OF PAIN!

Polar Bear: Rar?

Henry tackles the bear and they go rolling across the island, biting and scratching at each other.

Flair: That’s why he’s the champ! WOO!

Cena: Ok. We’re good.

Orton: Joe Cedar, did you just do an anteater boat full of morrowind?

Cole: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cena: Yeah. And I feel fine, because I’m totally no selling the effects of it. Don’t do drugs, kids. In other news, why are Chris Benoit and Tommy Dreamer back alive and scaling the raging fires of Mordor to throw the World Heavyweight Title into a trashcan?

HHH: Aw geez. Not again!

Kelly: So you do admit it happened!

HHH: Fine! Ok?! Nine guys took part in the stupidest journey across the United States ever, and a couple of them ended up dying. Why Cena remembers it, I have no idea. I mean, if anybody remembers that whole thing it should be Orton and Flair, since they were major parts of the opposition. I almost killed you, Naitch!

Flair: I’m old and senile and stylin’ and profilin’ limo ridin’ jet flyin’ wheelin’ dealin’-

The bear and Henry roll over Flair, knocking him out.

Orton: I can badly remember what I did yes sir day!

Cena: The talking gourd makes a gourd point you guys. I can hear purple and now it’s time to rap!

World life!
This is basic Thuganomics,
Basic, basic Thugugaadjblalaaaaaaaaah

Cena throws up while Orton bops along to the imaginary beat.

Cole: I hope you’re happy, Cena. I really hope you’re happy.

Cena: Never been…happier….

Kelly: Everybody look out! A smoke monster!

HHH: What the hell?

Batista: Is that you, DAD?

The mysterious smoke surrounds all of them, causing bewilderment all around except for Cena who is now passed out, and the bear and Henry who have resorted to head butting each other in the face. Eventually, however, the wind shifts and the smoke clears.

HHH: Are you kidding me?

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Flair: WOO! Rob! By God! Van Dam! What are you doing on this deserted island?

RVD: Oh, that’s easy. That mysterious dragon I’m always talking to told me that this was a dessert island.

Kelly: It’s not?

Stephanie: Ok, great. RVD is here and he’s stupid as ever. Can we get to blowing up that raft again so we can get out of here? Who knows when Tough Enough Jessie will be back to take us out?

Cole: I’m already on it!

Cole blows ineffectively on the giant raft’s spout.

Stephanie: Mark! Give him a hand.

Henry: Oh hell no. I ain’t backing down from this bear! YOU HEAR THAT BEAR?! YOU STILL DON’T GOT ME! I GOT MAH STANK! WHAT YOU GOT?!

The bear rolls its eyes.

RVD: Oh totally awesome. You guys got a bear! Congrats!

Orton: Do the nuggets 10-21-01-12-26-11 mean everything to any bloody?

HHH: Yeah, those are my lotto numbers.

Stephanie: Really? No frigging wonder we’ve never won the damn lottery.

HHH: Why, Randy?

Orton: They’re edged into this hitch.

Orton pulls back Cena to reveal a small metal hatch half buried in the sand.

HHH: What the hell kind of stupid beach is this?

Kelly: I get the feeling that the longer we stay here, the less sense it will make until we finally give up trying to explain it and just let it all happen and it reaches a rather unsatisfying crescendo.

RVD: Just like real life!

HHH: Whatever, I don’t actually care. Ric, get this thing open, will you?

Flair chops the metal hatch until the door pops softly open.

Lance Storm Action Figure: Oh. My. God. Do you guys know how long I’ve been locked down there? What year is it?

RVD: LAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!

Storm: Rob! Oh man! Rob! I haven’t seen you in forever! You survived that car crash? How are you doing?!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Storm: But that doesn’t answer my question, what’s the year? The date?

HHH: It’s November 7, 2011.

Storm’s eyes don’t change, because he’s an action figure.

Storm: Holy carp! It’s too late. It’s all coming to an end.

Stephanie: No! We saved Hunter! We stopped those idiots from destroying the WWE Universe!

Storm: The WWE Uni…Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. The wheels are already in motion, and there’s no way to stop it.

Batista: There has to be a WAY!

Storm: Touching, but, no. Even if we were to somehow shift sideways and make Mark Henry a chicken mogul, it still wouldn’t stop anything. It would just delay it for a few days.

Henry: I’m gonna be a bear mogul! You hear that bear?! I’M GONNA MOGUL YOUR ASS!

The bear cocks a nonexistent eyebrow.

RVD: At least I get to see the end of things with you, my friend.

Storm: Indeed.

HHH: Ok, all stupidness aside, Lance, how the hell did you become an action figure again? The last time I saw you were human and kidnapping Paul Heyman for some reason I don’t remember.

Storm: That’s sort of an embarrassing story. So, Rob and I drove off that cliff, and some mysterious dragon came and plucked Rob out of the air-

RVD: He lives in my suitcase!

Storm: So there I was, plummeting to my death, being chased by Paul Heyman, Tommy Dreamer, and Mantaur. And as I thought about it, I thought it was a super appropriate way for me to die. As stupidly as humanly possible. There’s no way I could take that serious for even a moment. And as I stopped believing in reality, something completely unreal appeared and saved me.

HHH: Chris Jericho’s wrestling career?

Stephanie: A burger I didn’t like?

Henry: A bear I couldn’t kill? YOU HEARD ME BEAR! I’M GONNA SPLIT YOUR WIG!

Bear: Ror?

RVD: Did you find my hammer pants?

Flair: A pile of money you can give me?!

Batista: Was it SANTA?!

Kelly: A sparkly pink unicorn?!

Storm: Actually…yes. Kelly’s right. It was a sparkly pink unicorn.

HHH: That sounds…stupid. Explain.

Storm: I didn’t believe it either. But it was Imagi, the leader of the Imagi-Nation. Jeff Hardy’s fake religion. It turns out he was right. About all of it.

Stephanie: I thought Imagi was just Jeff in a mask. Funny, I wonder where he got that idea.

HHH: What is that supposed to mean?

Storm: Ahem. So did I. But it turns out Imagi is a real thing. He’s totally incorporeal, so he couldn’t fly me away, but he did the next best thing, and turned me back into my true form so that when I hit the ground, I’d just bounce harmlessly away. But I bounced right down into this hatch, and it closed behind me. I’ve been trapped down here ever since.

HHH: I find that story…highly implausible.

Storm: Hey, believe what you want. You’re the one carrying on a conversation with an action figure on a mysterious desert island.

Cole: I…finished…blowing up…the…the…raft….

Cole collapses with his head in the hatch.

HHH: Well, great.

Flair: PERFECT! WOOOO! I just figured out a way to save everything!

HHH: I…really? You?

Flair: Yup. We’re going to save Christmas, brother.

HHH: You mean the WWE Universe.

Flair: Whatever.

Batista: Yay, CHRISTMAS!

Next Week: Ric Flair Comes Up with Some Stupid Plans.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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