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RAW SATIRE    
Living in the Past

November 18, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H and his Merry Gaggle of Geese got lost. But Ric Flair had a plan. Really? Ooook.

On a raft in the middle of the oceanÖ.

 

Triple H: Ok. Great. Now weíre out in the middle of the ocean with a billion people on a raft and no food or water. What was your ďbrilliantĒ plan again, Naitch?

Ric Flair: WOO! Now we gotta get this raft up to 88 miles per hour and we go backÖin time!

 


Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Lance Storm, Action Figure: This isnít going to work, you know.

HHH: No duh itís not going to work! Ric, weíre on a RAFT, in case you havenít noticed! How in the hell are we going to get it up to 88 miles per hour?! No way we can row that fast!

Lance: That is youíre problem with that plan?

Stephanie McMahon: Big talk coming from a action figure with a human soul.

Lance: ÖTouche.

Flair: Ok! Not 88! I meant eight! Eight miles per hour!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Even I know you canít just change it like that.

Flair: WOO! You drive a hard bargain! Two! Two miles per hour! Last offer!

HHH: ThatísÖconceivable. Who do we have manning the oars? Guys?

Mark Henry: I donít man no oars! You hear me oars?! I DONíT MAN YOU! IíM MY OWN MAN! I AINíT GIVINí THAT OR MY STANK TO NOBODY!

Randy Orton: Oarnít you glad I didnít say boatnana?!

ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ: I threw the big spoons over the SIDE!

HHH: YOU WHAT?! Whyíd you do that?!

Batista: I wanted to see a SHARK! Sharks use SPOONS!

HHH: All right, dammit. I refuse to give up on this asinine plan-

Flair: WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

HHH: So, Cole, get out there and push.

Michael Cole: Absolutely! Here I go!

Cole jumps into the ocean and is immediately devoured by sharks holding oars.

Batista: YAY!

HHH: Aw crap. Any ideas? Lance?

Lance: You never cared what I thought before, Hunter.

HHH: Aw geez, Lance, donít be like that. Ok. Fine. The sharks have eaten, so Randy get out there and push.

Stephanie: One guy isnít going to get us up to two miles per hour.

HHH: Polar Bear, help him out.

The polar bear frowns and shakes his head, but he dives in after Orton. And with the two Superstars pushing, the raft quickly hits speeds exceeding two miles per hour. Suddenly, a storm appears out of nowhere over the ocean.

Storm: Oh, how ironic.

And a lighting bolt strikes the raft, sending it flying.

Last Week: Triple H defeated Rob Van Dam in the most Canadian Lumberjack Match since that one The Mountie was in. The Un-American Americans defeated Kane and Hurricane in the most embarrassing moment of Kaneís career. Oh wait, then he killed some girl. Who will he killÖTONIGHT?!

BackstageÖ.

HHH: Ugh. Where am I?

Vince McMahon: Hunter?! What the hell are you doing back here? Your segment is on in ten minutes! That mannequin isnít gonna screw itself, huh! Hahaha! Wait a secondÖHave you gained weight? Itís time to stop eating all those fries, buddy.

HHH: Is this real life?

Vince just shakes his head and leaves. Eric Bischoff approaches.

Eric Bischoff: Hunter, I just had the greatest idea in the history of ideas. Ok, get this: An Elimidate Chamber. Two people have a date in the middle of the ring, and every two minutes, another dater is added. The winning couple gets to fight it out for the WWE Title. What do you say?

HHH: Eric? What the hell are you doing here? Go back to TNA. And that was a crappy idea the last time you had it.

Eric Bischoff: Geez, what crawled up your butt? And what the hell is a TNA? That sounds like a Russo idea. It does have potential though. I prefer Earnest Millerís Combat Wrestling though. Or Impact wrestling! With an exclamation point! Impact!

HHH: Oh my God! Do you know what this means, Eric?! He did it! That old bastard actually did it! He sent me back in time!

Bischoff: Huh? Is this some sort of new gimmick? Because we tried it with Techno Team 2000 and let me tell you-

HHH: Donít be stupid, Bischoff. I donít have time to explain. Whatís the date? The date!

Bischoff: Woah ok, buddy, settle down. Itís October 21, 2002.

HHH: OhÖMyÖGod. YES! Thereís still time! I can still save the WWE Universe!

Bischoff: Thatís the stupidest name for our audience Iíve ever heard.

HHH: And TNA has been around since May. Get cable, nerd.

Hunter dashes down the hall and into the funeral home WWEís been traveling with since 1990, just in case. There the lifeless body of a mannequin lays untouched.

HHH: Oh, thank God. Come on, Katie. Weíre getting out of here.

The Undertaker: Not so fast. You are getting back onto that raft, going back to the future, and you are going on trial for destroying the WWE Universe forever. A stupid move that you started this very night.

HHH: HoÖhow do you know all of that?!

Undertaker: Iím The Undertaker. I exist in the space between time and reality. I know all.

HHH: WellÖcrap. Later!

Hunter runs off down the hall. Taker frowns after him.

In the ringÖ.

HHH: Ha! Got away from you, you old zombie bastÖoh. Hey, WWE UniÖcrowd. Uh.

Ric Flair: WOO! Hunter! Weíre gonna tell these people all about how that dirty, dirty Kane had sex with that nasty dead lady, Katie Vick. Put your kids to bed, America!

HHH: Ric, Thank God! We have to get that heroine raft and get back out of here. Undertaker is on to us. Weíve got to go to, like, ancient times or something.

Flair: What are you talking about?!

HHH: Oh no! You must be ten years ago Ric Flair! Ok. Weíve got to figure out whatís going on. Letís get the gang together, disguise ourselves, and thatíll buy us some time until we can figure out a plan.

Flair: WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

The Hurricane runs out to stop Hunter from exposing his best friendís deep dark secret.

The Hurricane: Stand back! Thereís a Hurr-

HHH: Get out of my way, Shane Helms. And stay off motorcycles.

Hurricane: NOOOOoooo! My secret identity exposed!

(ads)

Jeffy Hardy vs. Chris Nowinski (w/ Al Snow)

These two guys are clearly the future of the wrestling industry. I mean, that Jeff Hardy is a clean cut dude, and he and his adorable, thin brother Matt are totally WWE Superstars for life. And Matt and Lita are such a cute couple! As for Nowinski, other than the unfortunate name, heís got a good head on his shoulders, and heís going to go far. Nowinski with his move (Thatís His Move!) for the win.

Backstage in the Bischoffice.

Eric Bischoff: Man, I love WWE Catering! Iím never going to leave.

My Darling Stacy: Hey, you know what I love in a guy? Grey hair and a track record for never getting married.

Bischoff: My wife means nothing!

Stacy: Can I referee a match? I need more exposure for my burgeoning comedy career.

Bischoff: Absolutely! The more exposure the better!

Big Show: Hey, Eric. Iím gonna eat your fruit tray.

Bischoff: Just leave the fruit, ok?

Big Show: Yeah, absolutely.

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

Tommy Dreamer: Man, I am happy to be out here tonight. Whenís the wrestling start?

Al Snow: How the hell should I know? Iíve been talking to a mannequin head for my entire career. But at least Iíll be the only thing Lima, Ohio is ever known for.

Chris Nowinski: I donít know. I hear they have some pretty cool Glee clubs.

Dreamer: Do you have brain damage or something?

Lance Storm and William Regal vs. Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley

Itís really too bad that DíVon left to start his own church, I think he really misses his brother Ray. I donít know about you guys, but I think William Regal is looking kind of pale lately. Iím sort of worried about him. And have you ever seen him in the sunlight? HeísÖshiny. I donít know. Itís hard to explain. Spike wins with a roll-up because Regal is deathly afraid of him. Why would Regal be afraid of a Spike?

(ads)

Backstage, againÖ.

Trish Stratus: These Divas Magazines are bringing in tons of cash, and womenís wrestling has never been hotter. This gravy train will never end!

Chris Jericho: Iím never going to stop wrestling for WWE. For real, you guys. No matter how much money they shove off a building.

Chris Tian: You know, some day, Iím going to be the world heavyweight champion.

Jericho: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

In the ringÖ.

Eric Bischoff: No. Seriously! Itís a big metal chamber! And two people are in it and they go on a dateÖandÖthen they kiss? And-

(ads)

DíLo Brown vs. Test
With Special Guest Referee My Darling Stacy

Hey, Test! DíLo is looking for the Real Deal Now to start, but he canít find it so he just waggling his head all over the place. I think Stacy and Test have some chemistry together, and a bright future. Though Test isnít a pudgy, grey-haired man, so I donít think heíll end up with the girl. He does get the pin though, because DíLoís terrible.

BackstageÖ.

Terri Runnels: I am not a scary witch woman! Any thoughts on that, Victoria?

Victoria: ShhÖI lost my pet spider! Help me look!

Goldust: Marlena! Woohoo! Is it 1992 all over again!?

Booker T: Hillarious, dawg. You crazy! Youíre all in my fav five!

(ads)

Booker T, Goldust, and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, and Victoria

Look at all the Canadians! Ross and Lawler are too busy reminding viewers that Michael Cole doesnít announce RAW to pay any attention to this match, which is too bad because theyíre missing all the WORKRATE~! that is going on here. All the good Canadians named Chris are in this match! Jericho locks Trish in the Walls for the win. Can he do that? Booker does the Spinerooni anyway.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman: Hereís my best friend Triple H and heís got a video of necrophilia.

Triple H: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YOOOOOO! YOOOO!

Word Life, this is basic Thuganomics,
Basic Basic Basic Thuganomics.
Because Iím Triple H,
The Doctor of THHHuganomics!

Ok, I canít rap. But thereís been a change in schedule. It turns out that Kane didnít commit necrophilia after all. He canít even spell it. But Iíve got a new gimmick. It turns out that Iím a rapper who canít rap. And Iím white as milk and Iím going to be in a movie called The Marine so check that out. But weíve got a match coming up. So let me introduce my tag team partner. The Long Island Iced F, Ric Flair!

Ric Flair: Woo! Woo! WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

HHH: The line is ďYou know it, bro!Ē

Flair: Know it? I already knew it! Know it?! I ALREADY KNEW IT! WOO WOO WOO!

HHH: And our opponents. First, from St. Louis, Missouri, the best wrestler in the worldÖRK Punk!

Randy Orton: UhÖMister Hunter, I hate to point this out, but Iím still nine months away from being able to compete. Perhaps you havenít been keeping up with my RNN updates, but Iím not capable of performing in this match you have so graciously booked for us.

HHH: Who the hell are you and what have you done with Randy Orton?

Orton: I donít understand what youíre talking about to be honest, sir. But I have the highest respect for you and all your accomplishments, I assure you. I do have to ask about these tattoo sleeves you gave me to wear. Why would people actually get these tattooed on them? It looks ridiculous.

HHH: And his tag team partnerÖMason Ryan!

Deacon Batista: Hi, guys! Iím really excited to be here tonight! Iím taking donations for my local church. My daughter is very excited about the new church program my Reverend DíVon is putting on.

HHH: Man, 2002 really sucked for my friends. But things are going to be different now. Iím WWE Champion. Iím married to the bosses daughter. And Iím ten years wiser! Iím going to run this better than ever, stay one step ahead of Undertaker, and weíre going to keep this WWE Universe lining my pocket with more money to buy all the Sarah McLaughlin merchandise money can buy!

Shawn Michaels: Oh, Hunter. I wish you could see the error of your ways.

HHH: Shawn?

Shawn: Yeah. Itís me. Hunter, I want you to see something. Iíll protect you from Undertakerís shadow until itís done. Come with me.

Next Time: Triple H takes a harrowing voyage through HHHistory.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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