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RAW SATIRE    
A Christmas Satire, Part 1

December 1, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels decided to pull Triple H out of time and space to teach him a lesson about destroying the WWE Universe. No rafts were harmed in the ripping of the fabric of time.
 

In the DX RoadhouseÖ.

Tough Enough Jessie: So, I was wondering if I could have Monday off?

Triple H: Are you kidding me? No way! Monday is our busiest night! Do you know how many its we have to get people to suck every Monday? Go to hell.

 

T.E. Jessie: Itís just that itís the Satireversary, and my son-

HHH: You have kids?

T.E. Jessie: Sure I do. All sorts of kids. Anyway, my son Tiny Tom has bird flu and suffers from a crushed spirit, so itíd really mean a lot if I could just have a day off to make sure he doesnít staple anything to his face.

HHH: Yeah, ok.

T.E. Jessie: Really?!

HHH: Hell no. You and your stupid made-up holiday can go suck it.

T.E. Jessie: You know, that was funny the first time you said it, bu-

HHH: Suck. It.

T.E. Jessie: Youíre a real ass, you know that? A total miser.

HHH: And if youíre not down with that-

T.E. Jessie: Ugh! I know! I know!

That nightÖ.

Triple H: Sarah McLachlan record? On. Pile of cotton candy? Ready to be eaten. Man, it feels great to be away from my nagging wife and kids and alone with my cat. You ready to rock, Nibblins?

Nibblins: Meow?

HHH: Oh donít you start on me too!

Suddenly, the room fills with the sound of chains rattling.

HHH: Whoís there?!

Jim Neidhart: It wasnít me! Iím right over here! Hahahahaha!

HHH: Get out of my house!

The chains rattle again.

HHH: Ok, for serious, Nibblins. Stop goofing around! Itís almost time for Glee.

Shawn Michaels: BooooOOooo!

HHH: Ah! Jesus!

Shawn: No, Hunter. But close! Itís me! Your old partner, Shawn!

HHH: Was that you making that racket?

Shawn: Huh? Oh yeah. Breaking in a new set of mirror chaps. Sorry about that. Anyway, do you know why youíre here? Existing outside of time and space in this alternate reality pocket?

HHH: Now that you mention it, yeah. I thought it was weird that Iíd have a day off where I wasnít having to clean up after my stupid kids. And Iím pretty sure the DX Roadhouse isnít a real thing or Iíd be a trillionaire with all the Suck Its we wouldíve sold.

Shawn: Yeah. Well, I had to pray really hard and then Tim Tebow showed up and let me have this alternate reality where we couldnít be chased.

HHH: Well, thanks, Shawn. Itís nice to get away from that stupid end of the world talk. Iím ready to get back to a normal life. Where I just play with my cat and yell at Tough Enough Jessie all day.

Shawn: Uh, actually. I kind of have to talk to you about that. I want you to go back on trial.

HHH: You WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: You WHAT?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: You WHAT?!

HHH: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Austin: Geez. Ok, man.

HHH: Iím not going back there. Itís not my fault that the WWE Universe is so screwed up, and blaming it all on me is stupid. You might as well blameÖMaven or whatever. That guy just came back and heís been nothing but trouble.

Maven: Hey! I deserve that feud with Cena!

HHH: What are all these people doing hanging out behind plants in my house?! GET OUT!

Maven: ButÖThis is my only house!

Shawn: Hunter, the universe is broken. And whether or not youíre ultimately responsible is irrelevant at this point. Somebody has got to pay, and ultimately, you did have sex with that mannequin. And as much as I love you, that was pretty gross.

HHH: You have sex one mannequinÖ.

Kane: Tell me about it.

HHH: OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

Shawn: On this very night youíll be visited by three ghosts. Hopefully theyíll be able to convince you to go back.

HHH: Ghosts, huh? Youíre not even going to bother trying yourself?

Shawn: I have to appear at a kidís birthday party for $20. I should never have opened that stupid arcade. Bye!

Later that night.

HHH: Well, Nibblins, I finally kicked the last wrestler out of my house. What Matt Hardy was doing in my liquor cabinet, Iíll never know. Anyway, I guess Shawn didnít know what he was talking about. I donít see any ghosts, do you?

Nibblins: Meow.

HHH: Well, come on. Letís get to bed.

Nibblins: Meow!

HHH: What is it? Need to use your litter box? Tamina fall down a well?

Nibblins: MEOW!

HHH: A g-g-g-g-ghost!

Hulk Hogan: Whatís up, brother?

HHH: Let me guess, the Ghost of Wrestling Past.

Hogan: No way, dude. Iím the Ghost of Wrestling future, brother.

HHH: You know, I wouldíve wished for Flair, but I donít think he wouldíve been any more level headed about this. Where have you come to take me?

Hogan: Not where, dude, but when! Weíre going back! Back in time, brother!

HHH: Ghost of Wrestling Future, huh?

Hogan: You know it, dude!

The room fades to black and white, and theyíre suddenly in the ring.

HHH: Where are we? Why is everything all grainy?

Hogan: Weíre in 1992, brother! The height of Hulkamania, when everybody was saying their prayers, taking their vitamins, and cheering the Hulkster on to victory against Sid, dude! Watchu gonna do-

HHH: No offense, ďHulksterĒ but what does this have to do with me or my trial? Werenít you supposed to take me to my DX days so I could learn what an ass I became? Or back to my debut? I debuted, like, ten days before this, you know.

Hogan: It has nothing to do with you, brother! I just really wanted to see this match, dude. Shawn Michaels is terrible at picking ghosts, brother. Anyway, itís another hour to bell time and nobody can see you or me, dude, letís go watch Liz get dressed.

HHH: OkÖWait. No! Thatís creepy. Not having sex with a mannequin on live TV creepy, but Iíve spent the past ten years getting past that.

Hogan: Well, you have fun, brother. Iím going.

HHH: You canít just leave me here. What am I going to do, go hang out with Tatanka?

HHH wanders backstage.

HHH: ĎSup, Tatanka?

Tatanka: I hearÖthe voices of my ancestors! What should I do? Where should my career go from here?

HHH: You should get fat and make a terrible comeback in thirteen years.

Tatanka: Yes, oh Great Spirit from Beyond!

Ric Flair: Triple WOOO by God H! Whatíre you doing here, man?

HHH: Ric?! What are you doing here, man? How can you see me?

Flair: I donít know! The last thing I remember was falling off that heroine raft when we got it up to eight miles per hour! And then it was 1992 all over again! Iím getting ready to take on Randy Savage with Elizabeth alongside Curt Hennig! Which would be really depressing if I was capable of stopping to think about it. WOOOO!

HHH: What about this time periodís Ric Flair? Whatís he up to?

Flair: I sent him back to WCW with the belt. Saves me a couple thousand bucks that I can blow tonight! WOOO!

HHH: Never change, Ric.

Flair: My inability to change has been the cause of and solution to all my problems, Hunter. Even though Iím $14 million in debt, Iím still a limo ridiní, jet flyiní, wheeliní dealiní SON OF A GUN! WOOOO! Naitcha Boy! Style and profile! WOO!

HHH: Is that the moral? That WWEís inability to change, and my part in that has caused us to make the WWE Universe dwindle to nothing until now, itís ready to collapse in on itself?

Flair: The hell if I know. I never pay attention to anything that I say! WOO!

HHH: No. You may be right. I mean, I havenít even hardly been on in a year, but you can still feel my presence on the show. Constant mannequin sex happening just off camera. What would I do without you, Ric?

Flair: Still be running WWE! WOO!

HHH: But no! Thatís stupid. Mark Henry is champion! His top contender is Daniel Bryan! Weíve elevated CM Punk and The Miz! You canít tell me that weíre not making a difference! Iíve hardly been on TV in the past year! No way! I donít buy this for a second, Naitch. This trip back to the early Ď90s? Seeing the stupid nepotism of all these old codgers who are STILL wrestling today? That just makes me feel even more justified in what Iíve done with the WWE Universe since I sexed Katie Vick.

Flair: WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

HHH: You hear that, Shawn? Hogan? Undertaker? I regret nothing! Your scheme to send me back into the past failed miserably! Iím even more sure that I should be on the run now!

Hogan: You tell Ďem, brother!

HHH: Where the hell have you been?

Hogan: Iíve been flexing in a mirror, dude. These 24 inch pythons arenít going to display themselves, brother! Or are they?!

Hogan starts flexing.

Hogan: Anyway, dude, I feel what youíre saying. I said the same thing when Brunno Sammartino sent me back in time to get yelled at by Baron Von Rashke, broher! I told him where he could shove that Claw, dude.

HHH: Well, itís nice to know that Iím not the first person whoís had this stupid crap happen to them.

Flair: HOGAN! HOGAN!

Hogan: Oh, brother, you can see me! Itís time for Yappappi Strap Match number three! Whereís Jimmy Hart at, dude?

Flair: This was supposed to be my big night, Hogan! Me and you! The match everybody wanted to see! WOO! Hulkster and The NATURE BOY! But no! You decided you wanted to wrestle Psycho BY GOD SID! Iíll never forgive you, Hogan! Forgive you?! Iíll never forgive you! FORGIVE YOU?! IíLL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!

Hogan: Whereís Ultimate Warrior when I need him, brother?

Papa Shango: Guys, look, I know Iím not supposed to be able to see you or anything, but thanks to all my mysterious voodoo powers, and all this weed Iím smoking, I totally can. And youíre really annoying. So if you could all, like, leave this time period or whatever you do? That would be great.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

HHH: You know, I probably would leave if I could. Nibblins isnít going to be around for another ten years, and, letís face it, Solace was pretty awful. Sarah Macís best album doesnít come out until next year, and a year spent as a ghost just so I can listen to Fumbling Towards Ecstasy is totally worth it, but Iíd rather have the whole catalog, you know?

Shango: No.

RVD: Nope.

Flair: No, sir.

Hogan: No idea what youíre talking about, dude.

HHH: You people seriously have no taste in music.

Zack Ryder: Maybe itís because you canít fist pump to it, bro.

HHH: Oh God, let me guess. The ghost of wrestling present?

Ryder: You know it, bro.

HHH: Of course it had to be you. Well, shall we?

Ryder: Just follow me. And Hunter-

HHH: If you tell me to take care and spike my hair, Iím going to drill you so hard with a sledgehammer. I donít care if you are a ghost.

Next Time: What happens when Triple H returns to a present future. OrÖa future present? ItísÖI really hate time travel, you guys.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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