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RAW SATIRE    
A Wrestling Carol, Part Two

December 9, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The Ghost of Wrestling Future, Hulk Hogan taught Triple HÖNothing, really. What a waste of time. Maybe heíll learn somethingÖTONIGHT!

 

Triple H: So, what are you here to teach me about how Iíve ruined the wrestling industry using examples from the present to show me how many guysí careers Iíve ruined.

Zack Ryder: You know it, bro!

HHH: Ugggggh! Canít we just watch TV or something? Iím, like, three months behind on my Suvivor watching. Iíve got big money on the skinny girl.

 

Ryder: You want to watch TV? You got it, bro.

(Opening Credits)

Last Week: CM Punk-

HHH: NOOOOoooooo! Itís my worst nightmare!

In the ringÖ.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOOO! YOOOO! YOOO!

Cheer me or boo me,
I donít really care,
I canít afford more jorts,
And my cupboard is bare!

I moved back with my dad,
Because I couldnít pay my rent,
John Cena is back and kickiní,
Living with my parents!

Merry Christmas fans,
Be of at least a little cheer,
Because youíve got more than me,
And WWEíS CARDBOARD BOX CHAMPION IS HERE!

Alberto Del Rio: I know how you feel, John! I live in constant fear of being deported with my life partner! I have to move around the country every week in the hopes that they wonít catch up to me! Iím living in my car!

Cena: What are you driving these days?

Del Rio: A 1989 Geo Metro!

Cena: Nice!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me, good sirs. I was wondering. My boyfriend and I are cold and starving. He canít even afford a t-shirt that fits him.

Cena: Aw, Dolph. I was really hoping those jobs as cheerleader and caddy were going to work out for you! Iím sorry, I donít have anything for you. I gave my last two dollars away to my children in the CeNation.

Dolph Zigger: Aw fish sticks! I kept getting fired for some reason. I even made sure I introduced myself to everyone. But nobody likes me. One guy kept saying I was a show off.

The Miz: Hey, guys. I found an old can of beans under a pile of jaunty hats? Anybody want a spoonfull?

Cena: Do I ever!

Johnny Ace: Hey! You kids get out from under that bridge this instant! Donít make me call The Mountie!

The guys and Vickie grumble but slowly disperse.

Triple H: SoÖyouíre showing me how destitute WWE guys are without me? I meanÖThatís not exactly teaching me anything about humility ďbro.Ē It just makes me feel great.

Ryder: Just shut up and keep watching, broski.

Randy Orton vs. The Miz

Orton accidentally pushes his cart into Miz, causing the can of beans to spill. Miz and Orton start fighting over the can while Wade Barrett tapes it with his iPhone while looking as smarmy as humanly possible. He then immediately sells the footage for $1 million, which he blows on hair gel and a spare Legal Eagle costume.

Triple H: That Wade Barrett really knows where itís at. If I didnít constantly have the urge to hold him down every time I saw him, I think heíd make a pretty good WWE Champion.

Ryder: I gotta say, Iím pretty jealous of all that hair gel heís got. Take care and spike your hair, Wade!

HHH: Youíre the worst person I know, Zack.

Ryder: Shhh!

In an alleywayÖ.

Johnny Ace: Didnít I tell you to get out of here? Go back to your dadís house!

Cena: Aw! Do I have to?

ElsewhereÖ.

David Otunga: -and then she left me! Do you know how hard it is to find a job with a Harvard Law degree in this economy? Iíve had to stop drinking coffee!

Kevin Nash: I hate literally everything about you. Now if you donít leave, Iím going to go all Super Shredder and knock over this bridge.

Triple H: Aw! Kevin! Look at how dark his weird beard is!

Zack Ryder: You donít want to know what made it that color.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan starts screaming obscenities at some passing pigeons and gets counted out. Then five cats run out of his beard and attack Ricardo. Three ďladies of the nightĒ walk by them.

HHH: I like where this is going!

Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya

They fight for a while about the territoryís ownership. But then The Godfather struts in and they have an impromptu dance party. Daniel Bryan wanders by and eats a sandwich that was helpfully hiding within his beard.

Triple H: Oh, man. I miss my beard. You know what kind of stuff I could hide up in there?

Zack Ryder: You ever get the feeling that you were supposed to be somewhere else, but you canít remember where?

HHH: Yeah, Iíve felt like that for the past month and a half now. But Iíd rather you be anywhere but here.

Ryder: Donít make me fist pump your face, bro.

John Cena vs. John Cena

On his way back to his house, John Cena breaks down in tears and then accidentally punches himself in the face. Then he stops by an AA meeting for some free coffee and a powdered donut. Cena wins!

David Otunga: John, what are you doing here?

John Cena: It just seemed appropriate. How about you?

Otunga: Free coffee!

Johnny Ace: I think itís disingenuous to fuel your addiction by coming to an addiction support group, David.

Otunga: Nobody asked you!

Triple H: These people look so miserable! Who eats powdered donuts? Thatís gross!

Zack Ryder: I like powdered sugar!

HHH: Of that I have no doubt.

Ryder: But again, I feel like I should be somewhere. Oh well.

Mark Henry vs. Sanity Itself

Mark Henry drops his bundle of old Highlights Magazines and begins screaming at a stray Nitrogren molecule that strayed too far into his orbit. Then he sees a bicycle and takes it into the Hall of Pain. Then he eats it. Daniel Bryan nods in approval from the gutter.

ElsewhereÖ.

Vickie Guerrero: Where are we going to get enough money for you to get a phone so you can start ďtweeting?Ē

Dolph Ziggler: Selling Swagger into slavery?

Jack Swagger: Even they wouldnít want me.

Swagger starts crying, and Vickie and Dolph shuffle away nervously.

Triple H: Nobody wants Swagger? Aw. Iíll take him.

Zack Ryder: You canít, actually. This is just a vision.

Kevin Nash vs. Santino Marella

Nash Jackknifes Santinoís car. Santino shouts, ďNOT AGAIN!Ē and drives up a flagpole. A Gecko and a Duck show up to figure out how to resolve this, but they are ambushed by Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan respectively and devoured.

Triple H: This is gross. I donít know how much more I can take.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Dolph is on his way to try to sell Swagger, when Sheamus appears out of the sewers and sticks him with a shiv. Then he kicks Dolph in the face (The Finisher of Champions!) and steals his way too small T-shirt, which looks even more ridiculous on him, but whatever.

HHH: Somebody do something! Those poor guys!

Ryder: You had your chance to help and you blew it. Thereís only one way to prevent this fate now!

Alberto Del Rio: Oh no! Itís the feds! Iím out of here!

The Mountie: Everybody here is under arrest for some reason or another!

Del rio: Save yourself, Ricardo!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Iíll never forget you, whatever your name is!

The Miz: I swear I didnít kill that guy! Morrison was dead when I found him!

John Cena: Bad rap is not a crime!

CM Punk: Iím the KING OF THE HOBOS!

Johnny Ace: Ahahahahahaha! You stupid bums are all going to jail! And then youíre going to die! I wish you luck on your future endevorus! AHAHAHAHA!

Tough Enough Jessie: Looks like everybodyís going to die. Well, at least we all have each other. I love you all! Goodbye!

Tommy Dreamer stands up from his latest spine crippling injury, propping himself up on a kendo stick.

Tiny Tommy: ECDub! ECDub! ECDub!

HHH: Look at him! Heís just soÖcute! I canít do this anymore! That guy still thinks itís 1999! Itís soÖadorable! I give up! I confess! Just so long as I donít hurt poor Tommy Dreamer anymore!

And Triple H is back at his house. He rushes to a window.

HHH: You there! What day is it?!

Passerby: December 5th. Buy a calendar!

HHH: So thereís still time! Thereís still time for the Satireversary!

Passerby: What the hell is a Satireversary?!

Other Guy: Itís some stupid thing. Hey! No thereís not still time! That was two months ago!

HHH: My good men! Get me two of the best briefcase cakes you can buy and bring them back here post haste!

Passerby: What is this idiot talking about?

Other Guy: Hey! Buy your own cakes, buddy! Go to hell!

But Triple H is already back inside.

HHH: Itís time to make amends.

BONG!

The Undertaker: Iím glad you see it that way. Because Iím the Ghost of Wrestling Past. More specifically, your past. And if youíre really ready, itís time for you to stand trial.

HHH: Iím ready, I think. Iíve done wrong, and for Tommy Dreamer, I have to pay. But hey, I thought you werenít supposed to talk.

Undertaker: Urban legend. Besides, itís you that isnít supposed to be talking.

HHH: Hmph.

Next Week: The Trial Resumes.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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