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ALL MEDIOCRE THINGS...    
EPISODE ONE: Game of Thrones

December 16, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H agreed to go back on trial thanks to the helpful interjection of a really pathetic Tommy Dreamer and the Ghost of Wrestling Past himself The Undertaker. What will happenÖTONIGHT?!
 

Triple H sits alone in the ring.

Triple H: ErrÖDonít I get a trial? Or something?

The Voice of the Undertaker: Of course. Your lawyer is just running late.

Nunzio: Iím here! Iím here! Sorry. I just keep getting fired, so I stopped answering my phone. Whatíve I got lined up? Refereeing? Wrestling? ÖSexual favors?

 

Taker: Nothing like that. Youíre defending Triple H in a court case that, if he loses, will tear apart the fabric of the WWE Universe, but if he wins will be the end of professional wrestling forever, but will grant you at least one Twizzler.

Nunzio: Nothing serious then, huh? We got this, big lug. Iím gonna get us that Twizzler.

HHH: Not to harp on your defensive abilitiesÖwhoever you areÖbut do you actually have a law degree? Or something?

Nunzio: No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

HHH: You-

Nunzio: Just kidding, Hunter! Geez! I got my degree from an online college! I passed the bar in Cambodia.

Taker: Close enough for me!

HHH: Iím somewhat less enthusiastic about this.

Edge: If it makes you feel any better, Iím still running the prosecution, and I havenít gotten any better.

HHH: That actually does make me feel about 22% better.

Edge: So, youíve been accused of basically ruining professional wrestling. How do you plead?

HHH: Iím sort of guilty, I guess? In terms of having sex with that mannequin. Not our proudest moment, admittedly. But come on! Iím the King!

Edge: Yeah, but so am I.

William Regal: I am also a king.

Sheamus: Iím the king too, fella.

CM Punk: IíM KING OF THE HOBOS!

Evan Bourne: People keep telling me I'm the king of Israel lately.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Booker T: King Booker SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Claudio Castagnoli: Whereís Chris Hero, anyway? Weíre the Kings of Wrestling.

Triple H: Yeah, but Iím the King of Kings! On your knees, Doug.

Doug Basham: WÖWhat the hell, man? I havenít even been in WWE for five years! Leave me alone!

The Undertaker: Ah! But youíre not the true king of kings. Because the shocking swerve is that your daughter Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque is actually the daughter of Stephanie and Shane!

HHH: No way! Chris Tian! Is that true?!

Chis Tian: How the hell am I supposed to know? I mean, itís probably true. I would have sex with Shane.

Tommy Dreamer: It is true! It is true! I saw it and then Shane threw me off the Titantron!

Steve Blackman: That was me!

Dreamer: Well, I was thrown off something sometime. Letís not get bogged down in the semantics of who got thrown off of what by who.

Nunzio: Objection!

Taker: Huh?

Nunzio: Relevance. The witness has clearly taken too many kendo stick shots to the head and heís just babbling about whatever weíre talking about.

Taker: Ö.

Nunzio: What?

Taker: ErÖSustained. Youíre probably right!

HHH: Great job, Steve-o!

Hornswoggle: Hey, guys. I know I was supposed to play the dwarf in this scenario, because ďHa ha, heís an actual dwarf!Ē but Iíd really appreciate it if I could be the strapping commander of the horse army who gets to have sex with the beautiful foreign princess.

Tyler Reks: Well what the hell am I supposed to do then?

Taker: Nothing. Just like normal.

Reks: Har har. Iím totally going to make a cartoon about this. Itís going to rock the foundation of this company SO hard.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: As the figurehead of the WWE Divas, Iíd like to assert that none of these so called ďkingsĒ should have any control of the wrestling industry! What we need is a queen.

Hornswoggle: You tell them, baby!

Randy Orton: Karly Karly Karly, as much as I love your perpetuity, I canít not degree with your clam to the WMD throne!

Hornswoggle throws a pot over Ortonís head.

Orton: I canít not see! What tockery is this?! You canít not fool the Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the RVD Girlís Chocolatechip Ranky Q. Morgan!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!

Orton falls over. Orton wins!

HHH: Rob, what are you doing here? Arenít you supposed to be in TNA or something?

RVD: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that! Iím contractually obligated to show up at TNA events and not have sex! Yeah! All right!!

Hornswoggle: They really donít let you do that up there?

Chris Tian: Yeah, or else everybodyíd be married to Karen Jarrett by now.

HHH: Chris Tian! Perfect! I want you to be my Hand for this trial.

Tian: Ew, gross. No.

HHH: Not like that! You just have to defend my honor against your brother here.

Nunzio: Isnít that what Iím doing?

HHH: Rather poorly.

Dolph Ziggler: Well, this trial is a sham anyway! Everybody knows Triple H is guilty. There isnít a person here in this strangely huge room who hasnít been held down by him at one time or another except Undertaker. I mean who knows what couldíve happened if he hadnít interfered and taken over WWE? Or if he hadnít destroyed the industryís credibility by sexing up that doll? WhyÖTest couldíve been the biggest star the industry has ever seen!

Everyone shudders.

Dolph: Ok. Ok. Too far. But you know what? I donít care. If Iím going in on this, Iím going all in. First of all, I mean to save the wrestling industry with my inoffensive matches and vaguely entertaining promos (#Heel) and Iím going to marry the woman of my dreams and weíre going to skyrocket to superstardom!

Vickie Guerrero: Finally!

Dolph: Finally, Iím marrying Stacy Keibler! My Darling Stacy!

Stacy Keibler: IÖNever agreed to this. Iím supposed to be at Clooney Manor right now and-

Dolph: Perfect! Now, as for Triple H, letís just get this over with. Off with his head!

Dolph Ziggler: Off with his head!

HHH: Woah woah woah woah! You don't want to behead me! Behead my hand! Err...wait! Don't do that! Behead Chris Tian!

Tian: No! What sense does that even make? You can't just go around beheading me! I never agreed to be anybodyís Hand anyway! Iím still not sure what that means!

AJ Lee: Don't worry, Chris, I'll always remember you!

Tian: Thanks? Maybe?

Kane grabs Christian and beheads him.

Edge: Ob...objection!

Taker: Overruled. That was cool.

Nunzio leans over to HHH.

Nunzio: I think we're winning.

HHH: I don't know. I think we couldĎve used more Kane. Let him behead everybody.

Kelly: Ok! Guys! I know nobody would listen to me earlier, but Iíve got a new plan. Instead of marrying Hornswoggle or Randy Orton or whatever, Iíve got a guy here who will take beat everybody up and let me take over.

Daniel Bryan: I thought this was going to be a Tupperware party.

Kelly: Yeah, well if I told you that it was a trial to determine the fate of the world, would you have come?

Bryan: I donít know. Probably?

Kelly: Well, youíre here now! So go! Defend my honor!

Bryan: You lied to me!

Punk: Hey, Dragon! Forget that broad. Sheís not any good anyway. Come over here and hang out with the Hobo Crew.

Mark Henry: Iím taking this can of beans to the HALL OF PAIN! WHICH IS IN MY STOMACH! GET IN MY STOMACH BEANS!

Bryan: I canít eat beans. Theyíve got too much meat in them.

Taker: Somehow I feel that Iíve lost control of these proceedings. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Henry: IíLL TAKE MORE BEANS! MY ORDER IS FOR MORE BEANS! MORE OF THEM! DOUBLE THE BEANS!

Taker: IÖUgh. Never mind. Iím declaring a brief recess. Iíll be back in five minutes. Nobody touch anything.

BONG!

Edge: Heís gone! Everybody start touching everything!

Nunzio: Objection!

HHH: Oh man. Would it have killed you to watch an episode of Perry Mason or something first?

Nunzio: I once teamed with Perry Saturn. Thatís awfully close. Now whereíd Taker go? I was about to call Dawn Marie to the stands so we could talk about tire tracks!

HHH: Oh, I think she knows a little something about tire tracks! Know what I mean? Hahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Hahahahahahahaha!

HHH: Hahahahahahahaha!

Nunzio: Wait. No. I donít know what you mean.

HHH: IÖuhÖI swear I had something there, but maybe not.

Punk: Iíll give one thing to you Hunter, you may be a egomaniacal, stupid bastard who has attempted to ruin my career about seven different times, but you really know how to throw an end of the world party.

HHH: This isnít a party, itís a trial! My trial! And Iíve done all sorts of bad things, but I just want a chance to defend myself and my position in the wrestling industry! I didnít just show up and marry the bossesí daughter! I worked my way up from the middle and then married the bosses daughter!

Nunzio: And Iím in it for the Twizzlers.

Taker: Ok. Iím back. Hopefully things have settled down. I think itís Mr. Edgeworthís turn to call a witness to the stand. Edge?

Edge: For my first witness, I call-

Tough Enough Jessie: Me. You call me. And Iíd like to submit one piece of evidence. Evidence that proves that Triple H will bring about the end of not only the WWE Universe, but life in general.

HHH: How? You can't say that. You're just a cry-y baby who wanted to be a wrestler until we crushed your hopes and dreams!

T.E. Jessie: You really don't know do you? After all these years. You spend so much time playing with your stupid cat and Sarah McLaughlin records that you don't know your OWN DAUGHTER!

HHH: What?!

Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Taker: WHAT?!

Edge: What?

Orton: Pot?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

T.E. Jessie: That's right. It is I! Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque! I've come back from the future to stop you from ruining the world of professional wrestling and everything else! But I got so excited to be around you and hanging out in the WWE that I became a weepy mess. But I'm over it, and I'm over you! You are guilty and I will see you hang! Or...whatever it is we're going to do. I'm not even sure what the deal is.

Taker: I wasnít planning on hanging anybody, no.

Kane: Aw!

HHH: This isÖThis is ludicrous! You canít expect me to believe that youíre my daughter. Youíre not little Aurora Borealis! Murphy Brown, maybe. Or Evil Lynn!

T.E. Jessie: Oh, but I am, ďDaddy,Ē and while you and grandpa Vince have been shoving me down backstage, firing me every week, and causing me horrible trauma for the past ten years, Iím finally ready to take my revenge.

Nunzio: I donít have any defense prepared for a time traveling daughter, man. Sorry. Do you think we could argue her down to talking dog?

Next Week: In an epic showdown, Triple H takes on his own daughter.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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