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ALL MEDIOCRE THINGS...    
EPISODE TWO: Wrestling's Worst Family

December 22, 2011

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The fate of the WWE Universe was not resolved, but Triple H learned the true fate of his daughter, the mysterious Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque.

Triple H: Uhh…how?

 
Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque: I was living a normal life, a tween on the run, reading stupid vampire novels and taking the family jet to Milan and sipping cocktails with all the best koalas. One day I was in Cannes screening the latest WWE Film The Marine VIII: Dinner at Bennigans starring WWE Champion Curt Hawkins-
 


Curt Hawkins: I knew it would happen eventually! In your face, Tyler Reks!

Tyler Reks: Aw….

Aurora: When suddenly, who comes crashing up onto the beach but Ric Flair and some sort of bear riding on a raft.

Mark Henry: Man, I’m gonna kill that bear! YOU HEAR THAT BEAR IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY?! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Aurora: He told me that he’d accidentally helped you destroy the wrestling industry and the WWE Universe as a whole, and asked me if I’d come back, become a wrestler and watch you, then as soon as you started that feud with Kane, poke you in the kneecap and blow your quad.

HHH: That sounds like a pretty reasonable plan. I don’t believe for a second that Ric came up with that.

Aurora: Oh, most of that came from the bear.

Henry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

HHH: Ok, fine. Say I believe this, which I don’t, what happened?

Aurora: Well, here’s the problem. I didn’t realize that it takes a LONG TIME to become a professional wrestler. I mean, I couldn’t just cash in on my McMahon family name, that’d be giving it away. So I bribed Al Snow to get me on Tough Enough. But it also turns out that I’m terrible at wrestling.

HHH: Just like your mother.

Aurora: And my father. So I just cried all the time, hoping that everybody would feel bad for me, and they did, and pretty soon I got a job in WWE doing pretty much nothing. I just wandered around backstage hoping nobody would notice that I wasn’t really up to anything other than crying for my lost youth, and almost nobody did. But then Todd Grisham caught onto me and was trying to get me fired, and he was actually successful about a half a dozen times, but I always showed back up the next week and everybody acted like nothing happened.

The Undertaker: Hey, I remember Todd. What ever happened to that creepy creep face?

Aurora: I guess he committed suicide 354 times.

Taker: That guy’s a real champ.

Aurora: But the fact is, I missed my opportunity. I couldn’t stop you from sexing up that mannequin and altering the course of pro wrestling forever. I was a huge failure.

HHH: So why wait 10 years to hatch that stupid plot to take me out? We were going fine right up until you and Zack Ryder showed up.

Taker: That was actually my fault. I got kind of pissed about you taking me out at Wrestlemania, right after I’d found the perfect theme song to properly convey how both ancient and badass I truly was. Then I got in touch with RAW General Manager Demon Girl to take you out, and Demon Girl got Tough Eno…Aurora Borealis to do the job.

Aurora: It turns out that Demon Girl found out about me coming back here, so she followed me back in time and conspired with me to end this WWE Universe forever, hopefully saving the rest of the world from being dragged into this sucky vortex along with the rest of us.

HHH: Oh, and how’d she go back in time? There’s only one raft for Ric to steal.

Former RAW General Manager Demon Girl: Quite simple really. Rob Van Dam came and picked me up on his mysterious dragon and my mentor The Great Togrish and we flew back in time so that I could take over RAW. What I didn’t expect is you stealing my job, Dad.

HHH: Hahaha. Sorry about that…Wait…what?!

Aurora: Oh please! Don't tell me that you don't recognize your other daughter either! Even now?!

HHH: No way! I simply refuse to believe this. Even in the confines of a wrestling angle, this makes no sense. I draw the line at TWO time traveling daughters.

Demon Girl: No, she's right, dad. It's me. Murphy Brown McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque.

Edge: OBJECTION!

Taker: Wait...is the trial still going on even? I thought we were all stopping to gape at this time traveling daughters drama.

Edge: Hey, this is all I can do now, so don't take it away from me. Anyway, I clearly remember Demon Girl saying she was your daughter.

Taker: Er...yeah. Hey! Sustained! I sort of remember that. Though I don't really remember having any kids.

Murphy: In the not too distant future, my mom ascends to a higher plane and dad moves in with you at the funeral parlor and you raise me and my sister Vaughn Vince McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque as two dads. It's pretty comedic.

HHH: Stephanie died in your alternate future?!

Murphy: What? No. She became a Scientologist.

HHH: That's even worse!

Taker: How'd you become a demon girl then? I'd be an awesome two dads!

Murphy: It turns out that Jack Chick was right all along.

Edge: Err…Are we ever going to get a verdict in this thing?

Taker: Absolutely. Maybe. Absolutely maybe. Do the counsels want to make their closing statements?

Nunzio: OBJECTION! I haven’t even gotten to call any star witnesses or do awesome cross-examinations yet!

Taker: Do you have any awesome star witnesses?

Nunzio: Well, I thought Nidia-

Taker: Nunzio….

Nunzio: No, your honor.

Taker: And would cross examining Aurora Borealis or Murphy Brown really revealed anything? Are you even capable of forming coherent questions for them?

Nunzio: *sigh* No.

Taker: Overruled then. Edge?

Edge: I’d like to remind the court that I’ve never, in twenty years lost a case. I’ve never won one either, but I think that’s irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, you can clearly see that Triple H is a menace to the WWE Universe. We throw around phrases like “Glass Ceiling” and “Holding Down” and “Had sex with a mannequin” around a lot, but tell me, members of the non-existent jury, can any one of us say that we haven’t wanted a glass ceiling? Or to hold someone close to us? Or had sex with a mannequin? Hey, babe!

Lita: Hey there yourself.

Kane: You leave her alone!

Edge: But the truth is, Triple H is still guilty. Guilty as sin. Because all of us would be terrible at running the WWE. He just got to it first. And the nepotism! I mean it’s running wild in here brother! WWE’s backstage producer? Tough Enough Jessie, aka Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Leveseque! The RAW General Manager? Murphy Brown McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque!

HHH: I didn’t eve-

Taker: SHH!

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here? I mean, that’s my order in the court! A nice pepperoni salad! Or maybe a taco salad! But you don’t believe me that Triple H has done a bad job running WWE and destroyed the WWE universe as we know it? Just look at the two WWE champions right now!

CM Punk: Hey.

Daniel Bryan: Yo.

Edge: Seriously? Those guys? Ugh. I think I’ve made my point. Hang him! Or…whatever.

Taker: Nunzio, your rebuttal?

Nunzio: I’ve worked for a lot of guys over the years, and Triple H is the only one who’s ever actually paid me. But then again, he’s also the only one who’s ever fired me, so he can rot in hell as far as I’m concerned.

HHH: Dude! Come on! That’s the best you can do?

Nunzio: No, but that’s the best you’re getting. Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you fired me twice.

HHH: Your honor, with all due respect, I’d like to declare a mis-trial, this guy clearly doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

Taker: To be entirely fair, Hunter, none of us do. We just haven’t had a really good trial since JBL left or died or whatever happened. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m not going to hang you.

HHH: Oh thank The Big Fella in the Sky.

Taker: No, I’m commuting your sentence to being torn apart atom by atom by the WWE Universe.

HHH: That’s hardly better!

Taker: Hey, rules are rules. But hey! #HHHDies is trending on Twitter right now, so you’ve got to love that, right?

HHH: I hope that one day the Internet avenges me.

Nunzio: Are you really that out of touch?

Taker: Tommy, take this guy to the Vortex of Suck.

Tommy Dreamer: ECDub! ECDub!

Tommy Dreamer drags Hunter out the door.

Lita: See, that’s why we never worked out. Last week you were the executioner. Now you’re just relegated to “Guy in the Gallery” while Tommy Dreamer steals your spot.

Kane: If you get back with me I promise to wear a welding mask to bed every night.

Lita: Sold! I needed a little more Kane anyway.

 
 
At the Vortex of Suck….

Taker: Well, any last words?

Dreamer: I DID IT ALL FOR YOU BEULAH!

Taker: I meant for Hunter.

HHH: Suck it!

Taker: How apropos. Ok, toss him in.

Aurora: I’ll dedicate an episode of my Animal Planet show to you! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Murphy: Ne quis manducaverit daemonia!

 

Zack Ryder: Take care! Spike your hair!

HHH: What is he doing here?!

Ryder: I’m actually Vaughn Vince McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque!

HHH: WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Ryder: Woo Woo Woo! You know it, bro.

Aurora: Yeah. Time travel does weird things sometimes. Laters!

And then Tommy pushes him in.
 

Next Week: The End of an Error

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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