by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

"Vato vato vato vato believe I’m a bus vato vato vato"
     — CRZ’s closed-caption inspired version of Konnan’s WCW rap

Once more unto the breech, this is The Ring. My name is “The Immolator” Calum Macbeth, and I like to hurt people.

Big ups to everyone that e-mailed me after last week’s homage to the departed CRZ. Including a certain “Eric” from Parts Unknown (probably a Radio Shack somewhere in Chicago) who enjoyed my column-opening quote from the leaders of the Sheffield ‘80s music scene, ABC. Okay, some would say Heaven 17, but I say, “bollocks.” Anyway, just a tip of the hat to M. Zimmerman. Now, all they have to do over at www.abcmartinfry.com is get somebody to edit their lyrics so they reflect what is actually on the albums. “Assassinate that grain?” Vato vato vato vato…

Chris and Mona say “Hi” from Tokyo. Chris turned down a contract from DDT for domestic reasons. AGGGGGGHH! I feel your pain.

My better half is out of town for the moment, preparing for her big move to Hokkaido. When she is gone, I feel like I have all the time in the world to train. Of course, the downside is, she’s gone. Well, as my uncle Smash Macbeth used to say, when people give you lemons, you take those lemons, and you shove them right back down their stinkin’ throats. So, more training. More. Hang those who speak of less.

I went and dropped 110 loonies (or, 60 greenbacks, or 274 zlotych) on a full-bore, Steve Austin-style kneebrace. My right knee’s at about 85 per cent now, but I was advised to go for the brace. When I was younger and even more naïve, I used to think, if I ever became an athlete, I would wear a brace all the time. Seeing Joe Theismann snap his leg might have had something to do with it. Anyway, I gave the brace a good workout this past Thursday. I felt a lot more spring in my step, but I also felt like my knees were mummified. Restricted lateral motion is fine in a wrestling ring, but not out on a football field or a basketball court.

Vance Nevada was the trainer Thursday, having returned from a week-long tour of duty in Winnipeg. Vance showed us some key pointers on moves like kneedrops and monkey flips. He is The Master of the Little Things. He also has some interesting tapes in his collection. Have you ever seen the vignettes The Thrillseekers did when they entered Smoky Mountain? Hi-larious. It’s pure gold.

Well, time to train. It should be a good week.

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