by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Laptop – check.

Remote – check.

Coffee – check.

Cold medicine – check.

Kleenex – (sneeze) – check…dammit, I’ve got crap all over my laptop, remote and coffee. The things I do for my trade.

It’s Monday night – I’m sick, and it’s time for Raw….

Before the pyro:

From the Bag O’ Hate:

Add this these kinds of things to the numerous typos and spelling errors and you have an editor's nightmare. Keep up the good work and try to come up with some original catchphrases if you're going to use them.

I admit the typos, but dude, lighten up. Why you wanna hate me?

From Todd -

Awww, man, you touched me in more ways than high school gym teacher did.

I wanted to do this last Thursday, but I got long winded. So, tonight, I want to thank Rick for giving me a little space I can call my own, CRZ for "allowing" me to steal a handful of his nicknames, John Petersen for hand delivering me the other nicknames I use (as well as for naming this column), Tim and Bart for laughing at me all the time, and to all the people out there who have made me a better writer.

I’m getting my ass kicked…Mark’s up by nine games. Maybe if the damn Lions could show up in the fourth quarter and maybe if Urlacher was on the damn practice field where he should have been last Thursday instead of at SD!, I’d only be down by five games. (But, Urlacher was the only Bear who actually had a good game against the Packers.) Well, maybe if Jim Miller went to SD! and hung out with Urlacher more, he could complete a friggin' pass! Damn…(sneeze)…

1 – The WWF will not have the balls to keep the belt on Jericho. It’s goes bye-bye to either the Rock or Austin tonight.

2 – Despite the posters, Triple Haitch will not show up tonight.

3 – Trish and the Rock will share another "special" moment.

4 – Austin will say less then three words tonight, but will show up in the last quarter-hour and exact revenge on Mr. T’s kid.

5 – I will sneeze a total of 14 times in the next two hours.

We are in Anaheim, CA. Who in the hell came up with the bright idea to have SD! In Chicago and the PPV in San Diego? Who makes the travel arrangements for this company?

Flair is out with the belts and wants to hand deliver them to Jericho. If the fed is unifying the titles, why don’t they just drop down to one belt instead of making poor Chris Jericho lug those damn things all over the country? One belt means less problems at security checkpoints. Hmmm, you don’t think they’re planning on splitting the company and trying to keep it from us? You don’t think that WCW will come back from the dead and become it’s own promotion again, do you?

On the record, I’m still stunned that they handed Y2J the titles last night. It took a hell of a pair of grapefruits to make that happen. Let’s face it, for the first time in 50 years, the titles are unified and they put it around the waist of - no, not Stone Cold and not the Rock - but around the waist of Jericho? That takes balls. Maybe Vinnie had an eye opening inspiration while his entire cranium was jammed up Rik-ass-shi’s posterior last week.

Oh, and before I forget, I love Flair, but he’s got a hell of a speech impediment. For all the money he makes, you’d think he’d have someone working with him to correct that. Well, as long as he can say "Woo," I’m a mark.

Okay, Jericho’s supposed to be a heel right? Why are people cheering him…wait, never mind, they aren’t wrestling fans. Those cheers are high-pitched squeals of love that always sound whenever the Hardy’s walk on stage. All the little girlies are lining up for our undisputed champion. He loves himself…

Hmmm. I like this egotistical side of Jericho. …he does a damn good job of thanking himself.

Shocking revelation: steel cage match against Austin. The belt is off Jericho tonight. But, I just realized that one of my predictions just went to hell. Austin is here and he’s going to speak before the match. HOWEVER – my first prediction may come true. Goody for me!!!

Underbiker sans hair comes out - why are people cheering him? They cheered Jericho too. You know, I’m noticing that despite the best efforts of the amazing WWF writing team, heels are not being considered heels anymore. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to be considered a dick around this place? This is all Austin’s fault. If he wasn’t the bad ass who acted like a dick but was cheered four years ago or so, then we wouldn’t be having this shortage of heels would we. I miss Triple Haitch…

Jericho’s supposed to be a heel, but the crowd cheers. Underbiker is supposed to be a heel, but he gets cheered. What the hell is going on?

On a lighter note, I love matches like this. I love watching the little guy get tossed around like a rag doll. Ewww…nice garbage can shot. Ewww….choke slam onto the floor? Ewww….Spike’s brain is coming out of his ear. He’s gotta have a concussion.

Not a bad match. Spike takes a hit better than any guy in the fed, and allowing him to get kicked around by someone the size of Underbiker makes me smile. However, the show isn’t really clicking yet….

Who are the guys in the white shirts? Security? Isn’t Booker supposed to be a wrestler? Can’t he serve as Vinnie’s bodyguard tonight? I mean, he served as a car thief last week, why can’t he serve as Vinnie’s hired gun now? In fact, did Booker ever return to Milwaukee and face the criminal charges that I’m sure were levied against him?

Vinnie announces that Rock and Trish will team against the Dudley’s? Oh shit, I know where that is going:

Special prediction #6: There will be new tag team titleholders. If they do that, I swear to God that I’m going to be pissed.

Up in the special box….That’s a special skybox? You know, I never understood why people are willing to fork out tons of money to be in a skybox. It’s 10 times more expensive than the front row and it’s farther away from the action.

Man, Lilian is looking hot as hell tonight. Hello Lilian….

Angle is golden on the stick lately. He can coordinate with the "what’s" and everything else around him (btw – seven "what’s" so far). He’s a mad man.

Oh god, do not show Vinnie and Rik-ass-shi again. I’m sick. I don’t need this. Jesus – look, his whole damn head is gone. Rikishi’s chocolate starfish swallowed Vinnie whole. That is the most disgusting this I have ever seen.

(Jesus, five more what’s – and Kurt doesn’t miss a beat.)

Has Rikishi lost weight? I mean, he could have dropped 50 and no one would have noticed, but my God…he looks slimmer.

I’d like to point out that the crowd – unless they are doing a sing-a-long – is extremely flat – until Rikishi attempts the stink face. Lets see if Angle climbs farther up Rikishi’s ass than Vince did.

What the hell…he’s not…he did the count out? Kurt!!! I haven’t seen that in – well, I think the last time I saw it actually happen was with Regal last year. I cant really remember….Oh God, no, Kurt - don’t do it…just walk away – ah damn. Now I have to watch this again. How in the hell did he manage to jump farther up Rikishi’s ass than Vinnie did? Who the hell is sitting in the back and enjoying this stuff? Vinnie is only applauding because he’s happy to have Angle playing on "his team" so to speak. And, I’m still wondering how Linda is doing knowing that Vinnie is "cumsi-cumsa."

NO!!! Don’t friggin’ replay it. Dammit I’M SICK!!!

Overall, not a bad match with a real cruel ending. And, note to Rick, I refuse to ever watch anything with Rikishi ever again.

What starts out with a long pan shot of Stacy turns out to be pointless. However, Stacy does play the "dumb blond" rather well. She nods her head so loud throughout the whole thing that it actually starts to rattle. Now, I’m not ripping on blondes, but this is just stereotyping one thing way too much. And, to make it worse, the Dud’s are going to drop the titles tonight. I can totally see this happening.

Hey, this is turning into a good game. "Let’s see who gets more camera time" game. So far its Vinnie - 3, Flair – 3

It’s about time they used Flair decently.

HA!!! Edge said Chicki-monkey!!! I love that line. And Edge gets laid out with a brass knucks shot. He must be hurting from last night. But, I still love "chicki-monkey."

Ooops. Someone forgot to turn the sound on in the back. However, that makes the score Flair 5, Vinnie 4. Times, they seem to be a changing!!!

Regal gets the voluntary search…and Teddy Long really seems to be enjoying himself way too much while searching Regal. Hey, you don’t think Lang, Regal and Vinnie...(Don’t start that again dammit)...nah!!! Maybe it’s just me, but when someone with a heavy English accent threatens me, it makes me kind of giggle like a little schoolgirl. (Sneeze – damn!!!!) I wonder if we’ll be seeing the Big Show here in a couple of minutes. After all, Kane and Show really hated each other last night.

What the hell is going on with the crowd. I can hear a cricket chirping in the second row of the upper deck.

Teddy, the knucks are right in front of your face! He turned three times and fell once – palm open - and showed you the knucks. Come on, that was pathetic!!! I fully admit that foreign objects are part of the game, but you mean to tell me that Teddy Long wouldn’t question the fact that Kane was knocked out by a left hand from Regal? The guy who walks through "Hellfire and Brimstone" was just knocked out by a shot to the head, and Long accepts it? From Regal? Come on….

Vince is shown with his pinky out…and his head up Little T’s ass. BUT – the score is now Vince 5, Flair 5.

You know what else I’ve noticed, the sound for JR and The King has been turned down all night. I can hear the background and the crowd more than the announcers. Maybe it’s my cold, but I think someone is screwed up in the truck – probably drinking.

Ack…Vinnie just roared ahead in the standings folks. Th score is now Vinnie 10, Flair 5.

You know, I’m not going to even watch this match, instead, I am going to write an e-mail to every damn writer in the WWF expressing my disappointment at the fact that Rock and Trish are going to be the new tag team champions. I mean, the Duds beat Kane and the Big Show last night. Now, they are going to lose to the Rock-n-Breast Connection? Come on… Screw it, I’m going to start composing my letter now:

Dear WWF,

I think your decision to allow the Rock and Trish to win the WWF tag team championship is the dumbest thing you have ever done – aside from the whole Kiss My Ass club from last week. (Rocky just fell before a left from Devon found it’s mark) Your decision to allow the Dudley's to lose the titles after they beat two of the biggest men in the federation at Vengeance last night has decidedly downgraded the tag title division. (Come on, Bubba, the sleeper never works) I firmly believe that the writers in that organization that you call employment have their collective heads shoved up McMahon’s ass, which, in turn, is still partially stuck in Rikishi’s posterior. In essence, it’s (Rock fell before the punch came again. He must really be scared of Devon) a triple rectum-cranial inversion and I implore you – for the sake of your viewership (Trish dives off the top onto Devon and lands way too high. She just got a taste of "little" Devon.) to yank your heads out of each other’s asses and take a deep breath of clean, fresh air. ( This time, except to Stacy – and she went in to high again. Um, I would say she got a taste of "little" Stacy, but that would be impossible.) Then, I implore you to return to the writer’s room in Stamford Connecticut and start over…

OH THANK GOD FOR TEST!!! Though, Test coming out to disrupt this mess doesn’t make any logical sense in the whole storyline scheme of things, but still, THANK GOD FOR TEST!!! I don’t have to send this letter.

There’s Vince again - Vince 11 – Flair 5

The score is now Vince 12, Flair 5. It seems that Vinnie is starting to run away with it.

Is Vinnie making this shit up on the fly. My god, this is so friggin’ stupid. (Sneeze) He sounds like an infomercial. "You too can join the Vince McMahon Kick Your Ass Club for 5.99!

And, we’ll just skip over Little T’s speech while I blow my nose.

Awwwww she loves him. That’s beautiful. And he turns his back on her. YES! SHE’S SINGLE!!! I’m gonna get me some – Lita, if your reading this, please give me a call. I’m in the….hey you blue-haired freak, get the hell away from my chick!!! Don’t hug her!!! Damn….Kick his ass tonight Matt….

Hey Michael Clark Duncan’s in da house. That is one of the biggest son’s a bitches I’ve ever seen.

How many times do you think this fight happened in the Hardy’s living room. You know damn well that sibling rivalry played a part in that southern family. Hell, I’m sure we could get a whole Jerry Springer episode in of the Hardy Family tree.

Inner voice conversation segment: <You sound like a dork tonight, Lee> Thanks for your input. <What, I’m just telling you the truth> It’s hard to be funny when you’re sick. <Hey, you wanted the job. No more excuses.> But the show is completely boring tonight. The fans are sleeping, Vinnie isn’t jamming his head in someone’s rectum. What the hell am I supposed to do? <You try harder> All right, if you say so.

Lita’s thong showing. Aww, she looks so depressed. She needs consoling. She needs loving. Come here honey. I still love you. Hey, what’s going to happen to WWFHardys.com now that Team Extreme is breaking up? Who do you think is going to get control of it? God, I hope it’s not Matt, he’s a jerk. Lita, don’t worry. Next time you’re in Chicago, I’ll help you out.

And Flair comes roaring back!!!! The score is now Flair 6, Vince 13.

Why does Storm with say three or four words then pause for a second, then continues on? It’s aggravating as all hell. You know who used to do that, but is now off television, Lance? Stephanie (can’t act) McMahon!! So, knock it off!!! Seems Storms persistence is paying off as Flair allows him to wrestle – but against who? (Let’s see, who was on the PPV last night but hasn’t shown up here yet. RVD….but I’m thinking the Big Show in another big guy, little guy battle.)

Storm vs. (guess) Big Show:

I love being right. At least I got one prediction right. Big Fat Guy against little tiny guy fight. I love watching people get tossed around. It makes me giggle. I still expect Kane to come out and be an ass. (sneeze) Or, are we just supposed to forget that they had a shot at the title last night and wound up bickering because they lost? You know, Big Show should do something about the fact that he cant work with anyone. My god, in less than six months he’s lost four tag team partners. Billy Gunn, Tajiri, Spike, Kane – what is it with this guy? Does he smell or something?

And Flair’s comeback is halted as Vince is seen again. Vinnie14, Flair 6.

Man, this show is just missing tonight. Little T tried to be funny and it just fell flat. (Kind of like you are, Lee.) I mean, the show isn’t really bad or anything, but it’s not exciting at all. It’s just been – I don’t know – a blah show!!

How’d that happen? I wonder if he is going to really spew off and talk the way HBK only knows how? Or, is he going to kiss the company’s ass and tow the line? Hmmm…I miss the days that Hickenbottom was a jerk.

Same video montage as last night. If there is anyone who will make it back, it’s Triple Haitch.

And Vince roars ahead again. The score is now Vinnie 19, Flair 6.

This is what we call the lull while the cage is set up. However, it served it’s purpose. It woke the dead crowd up and stalled for time. And, Austin – featuring the new WWF WHAT? T-shirt – threatened bodily harm to Y2J and Little T. Now, if they don’t show Little T in the sky box during the cage match, you know he’s coming down there. However, my prediction is staying – Stone Cold wins the belt tonight.

Austin’s out first and looks pissed. And, they just showed Little T in the box – next to Vinnie. So, for those of you scoring at home, Vinnie 20, Flair 6.

And, just to inform everyone, this will be an escape the cage match with no pinfalls or submissions. I’m glad they clarified it for me, because you never know anymore with this company. I never understood why in the hell they would have a cage match and allow pinfalls. It’s stupid. This is the way its supposed to be.

Jericho playing the heel by being scared to get in the cage is sweet, and Austin being the bad-ass chases him down. Look out Lilian!!!

Austin needs to blade himself so he can bleed like a stuck pig. That man bleeds more than – oh there it is….nope. He must have dropped it.

And, the crowd FINALLY gets into it with a "Jericho sucks" chant. I mean, can’t people from California do something besides scream "what?"

They haven’t showed inside the box in about 5 minutes, so I’m thinking that Little T is on his way down. And, the crowd has turned dead again. You know it’s bad when you can hear the wrestlers call out their next moves to each other. Something in this match – Hell, in this whole night - just isn’t clicking. Ewww – bad stunner by Jericho. Austin needs to learn how to sell his own move. Jericho bladed? That’s a shocker. Austin bleeds better. I wonder why he’s suddenly off the sauce. But, way to go Jericho. At least someone is leaving with a mask.

No – DAMMIT!!! (Sneeze) (Sneeze) I lost another prediction. Man, I’m having a bad night.

Overall:

Not a bad night, but in no way a great night. I give it another 6 out of 10 stars. The crowd – like me and I’m sure a lot of you – just wasn’t into it. It was flat all night, a lot of things were out of synch, there were some severe problems in the truck with JR’s and King’s mic’s as well as promo’s being screwed up through the sound, and Vince and Little T in the box was pointless.

Final score: Vinnie 20, Flair 6….maybe Thursday the score will be closer.

Number of "What’s": 4 by Stone Cold, 43 by the audience, 1 by JR and 1 by the King.

Number of Points-To-Self: Zero – huh?

Number of Thongs: One – Lita’s.

Number of times Stacy Kiebler was defiled in some way: Once, this time by a girl.

Number of heads up Rikishi’s ass: 2 – Angle and Vince on replay.

Number of sneezes: I think five or six. Way off my prediction.

Number of predictions I got right: 1.5 out of six. Triple Haitch didn’t show up (I know he was backstage) and Rock and Trish were together, but didn’t do anything nasty. So, I call it one-and-a-half.

See you Thursday

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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