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I Can't Believe the Old Guy
is The Champ...
April 30, 2002

by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I dug, I digged and I dumped; but still nothing.

My last edition of SCJ was sucked up into Microsoft Hell, and Bill Gates is probably the only one in this world who knows where it is.

Sorry, but there is nothing I can do about it. If I ever come across it, I’ll give it to Rick to run as the lost episode or something. But, as far as I’m concerned, it’s gone.

But, as always, if anyone knows what the fuck could have happened to my poor article, feel free to drop me an e-mail. And, thanks for everyone who sent something last week to help.

But onto matters that pertain to tonight Raw, live from Buffalo. But – as always – first:

From the Bag O’ Cool Bosses:

From OORick:

Don't sweat it... I'm not sure how in the blue hell an entire document goes bye-bye in the fashion you describe, but I've been dicked by various Microsoft products enough times in the past to know that if something's gone, it's gone. If you REALLY feel compelled to do a re-do, your effort will, as always, be appreciated. But don't bust your ass on something that you don't have the time or compulsion to do, either! Let me know one way or the other on Tuesday....

Dear Rick,

See, I always knew that you had a heart buried somewhere down deep inside of that deep, bottomless crevice in your chest that is partially filled with Pabst Blue Ribbon. You rule – no matter what that fuck-head Diavalo says about you.

From the Bag O’ Liars:

From Shane –

Went to Raw last night, Just thought I would let you know that Lillian looked especially good live and in person.

Dear Shane –

How could you see her? She wasn’t there. She was here…with me, dressed in that hot, tiger-striped clingy thing, where she sang the Star Spangled Banner before we had sex!!! And, as long as were on the topic, she was here having a three-way thing with the confessional room girl and, and, and, um…Kimberly. Oh – where was I you say, I was videotaping it! Yea!!! To add to the confessional room girl’s collection. Which I have seen – alone – with a bag of popcorn and an orange Crush!!! So…there!!! Up yours – you bastard!!!!!

Five pre-Raw predictions:

  1. Trish Stratus will get some Statusfaction – between another woman’s legs.
  2. Baldy will chase Speedy around all night, but never catch him because Speedy is faster than the Underbiker’s cool motorcycle.
  3. I need a haircut – Yes, one right already!!!
  4. A midget will appear on the program tonight – I got the other one right so I figure I owe you guys one – and the world is always a better place as long as a midget is involved.
  5. MS Word will NOT eat my friggin article – again – tonight.

The pyro means it’s time from Raw!!!

Hey, we’re in Bledsoe-town. There’s a nice pick up – it would have been better if the Bears picked up that fucker for nothing, just like the Bills did.

Whoopie!!! Hogan will be in the house – but come on! Is there a reason to have that ass doing anything tonight.

Jeff Hardy w/ neon colors vs. Latino Heat

Seems Lita is having surgery tomorrow. I wonder – if they could – for me - while they have her cut open with the whole neck thing – if they could add a few more cups on that rack of hers. It would sure make me feel better about Monday nights.

Anyway, Jeff’s hair is leaking all over his shoulders, and Eddie doesn’t want to touch it. Can’t say as I blame him. You know, wasn’t Jeff being pegged as the next Shawn Michaels about a year ago? What the hell happened to his career.

By the way, would someone reading this please tell me what the fuck Hogan is doing with the fucking belt? What a crock of shit that is. He’s 90 something fucking years old. He uses Geritol. It’s got to be the low-point of the GaHHHme’s career, losing to that tit-sagger. It’s the low-point of my writing career spending time writing about it.

Hardy and Eddie go at it, but I’m not really interested, but in case you’re wondering, Eddie is dishing out most of the punishment. Jeff hits like a God damn girl. I thought I told them to take care of that problem!

Hey, you don’t think that Jeff plays for both teams, if you know what I mean. I mean, he kind of looks like Leonardo DiCaprio on crack or something. Maybe the two of them are doing each other. Leo and Jeff, sitting in the tree, f-u-c-k-I-n-g!!! Jeff has a shot at the win, but the ref was discombobulated by Jeffy flying through the air like a little swan – or a dove – or a hummingbird. The belt is out and Jeff takes a shot in the skull. The five star finds its mark and the ref wakes up in the nick of time.


Seems Flair is hiding the fact that he screwed Baldy over - twice. Mumbles is as guilty as Nina is on the show "24" – which, by the way – is the best friggin’ show on television, bar none.

I will say this, Diavalo called it right – for once – when he said that adding Speedy to the NWO isn’t going to do a damn thing for that group. One stop – the basement known as Sunday Night Heat, not that X-Fuck and Speedy had far to go.

Baldy and stagehand:

Seems Baldy is scaring the help and making them his servants. So, nothing new on that front.

Quarter-hour 2:

Baldy in the ring:

Oh God – he’s doing the Clampets. Nope – he stopped. Baldy’s pissed off and he blames Mumbles. So, let’s talk about other things…but, I can’t because my fucking roommate is yelling <what> in the other room. KNOCK IT OFF!


I said knock it off!!


Stop it!


This is stupid!


Quit it!


I hate that!


I said I hate that!


It’s a pain!


in the ass!


Hey, you know,


this is kind of fun!


Kind of a joyous!


Gives me a warm feeling…


In the cockles…


of my heart.


That’s enough, because out comes Mumbles, and he refuses to get in the ring. Did he just say "worst?" What the hell is a worst? Like a "Brat-worst?" Nice, Baldy had a little something in his throat and decided to ignore the microphone and just spit it out. Mumbles is getting the Ass-hole chant? It’s a good day. Now maybe someone will get him to start speaking clearly. Okay, Flair has become Vinnie in three short weeks. How nice to know that Baldy has a new enemy. What’s "aureadi’r?" Mumbles said "aureadi’r?" Mumbles refuses to make the match, and announces that Speedy is in India – which he really is. Same thing as last week. NWO vs. Bradshaw and Baldy. So, when does Bradshaw get jumped? There is a special referee…Mumbles is the ref and what a waste of time this is turning into.

Quarter-hour 3

Goldmember and Bookerwheat:

Seems Bookerwheat want’s out and away from Goldmember, while Goldy is upset at being left alone. He uses a little Home Alone and puts a blonde wig on Wheat. Hey, I know that whore!! She was at the corner of Broadway and Belmont when I was in college. Booker called Goldy a lesbian? He was, then Terry divorced him for Perry Saturn.

The Dood vs. Bookerwheat:

My first look at Lillian shows that she is looking good in a short skirt and hair pulled back. Yea, I’d slide her one stiff shot of Lee seed, if ya know what I’m saying.

JR with the Tina Turner reference…kinda funny.

Prediction: Goldy is going to come down and get involved in this, much to Wheat’s chagrin.

Wheat takes over for the first half – I wish Weat would be traded to the other show. I’m sick of him. We’ll give them Wheat for –say – Angle. I miss Angle.

Wheat goes for the cheat, misses, but then Goldy hits Wheat. The Dood ends it with a five-star, making me smell the sweet tang of revenge in the air. However, who’s the bad guy when this happens? Who should I root for?

Where’s the midget? I want a midget!!! They NEED midgets!!!

Quarter-hour 4

You think Hogan’s in the back warning up right now? Hopefully he is. This way, I won’t have to worry about him pulling a groin or anything.

Perky and Bradshaw:

Perky wants to know Bradshaw’s condition and who hit him last week. Bradshaw believes Speedy hit him and tells everyone what an oxy-moron is. You know, an oxy-moron, like military intelligence? Or, how about watching wrestling. No, that isn’t an oxy moron, but "wrestling writer" would be. Why, you ask? Because only a moron would force himself to sit in front of the television and forgo pay to watch this crapola.

I’ve noticed Bradshaw has had the right to speak a lot lately. And he-must-be-going-to-the-Underbikers-school-of-wrestle-talk….S-L-O-W!!!!

Big Bitch pumping herself:

Here’s Molly to tell us that BB is going for the Hardcore Title. Jesus, there isn’t a single ounce of silicone between the two of them? What is the point of this?


AHHH!!! I remember Chicki-monkey knocking out Meat last week!!! That was a great fucking match right there. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen on Raw. One punch – gone. I give Meat a lot of credit for going through with that, though...and also for the quick match he’s about to have wrestling The Next Big Thing. I see that another one punch knock-out is eminent.

However, with Meat dropping quick against all of these heels, would that make him a good guy or not?

TNBT is walking:

I can’t use that line because it’s CRZ’s….but I can’t use a thesaurus to look up other words for walking because – apparently – that’s the Immolator’s gimmick! Dammit!!! Everyone has a catchphrase or a gimmick but me!!!

TNBT vs. Meat:

Meat heralds from Planet Stasiak from now on, I guess. Is that the moon that orbits Uranus? (Ha! I said Uranus!!!)

This should be over in….wait, Lesner is selling? Oops., it only lasted a second before its over and the onslaught begins. Paul Heyman as Lesner’s mouthpiece is one of the best things they could have done with this guy, and the out cold – non-pin is brilliant as well. I’m totally digging this guy’s character. They are finally doing something right, here.

Mumbles in his office:

Is on the phone with CRZ again…and he hangs up to talk to Debra. He wants Debbie to make Baldy believe in him, but Debbie gets a shot in on Mumbles, and the pain continues.

Quarter-hour 5:

Undertaker is walking:

Sarge is on the phone with CRZ, when Biker plays bad-ass and speaks slowly to him. This was basically Sarge getting television time to make some money.

The NWO vs. the Drunken Texans w/ Mumbles in the ring:

I wonder how Baldy feels losing the main event on this program to an old man who needs Viagra to get it up!!! You know, I’d like to say that I’m not a young man by any means, but I want to point out that MY DAD is the same age as Hogan. You ask for my point o this? Well, my point I that making Hogan world champion is like bringing Roger Staunch back as the Cowboys quarterback. It just never should have happened. Look, I could beat the hell out of my Dad – he’s an old man now – so it makes logical sense that the Ghana should have killed Hogan. This makes sense in my world, so don’t try to figure it out, Dammit.

Bradshaw kills X-Fuck, while King pushes Mumbles being in the NWO. Hey Yo in, and Bradshaw kills him too. Baldy in, and Hall faces him down.

Jesus…I’m bored already – while JR admits that Mumbles is not a good referee.

X-Fuck back in and Baldy whips him around like a little rag doll. Come on – even the crowd is out of it. Get to the screw-job part.

Man, I miss Angle and Y2J. For Fuck’s sake, I miss the damn Rock. I making an appeal to someone in the WWF; I promise, if you trade any of three guys I mentioned above over to Raw, then I won’t make fun of any of them at all – ever. I swear. Please send one or two of them to this damn show!!! PUHLEASE!!!!!

Baldy pulls out the Lou Thesz press – in honor of the man himself. (If you read Rick’s column, you would know he died. A moment of silence, please.) Thanks for the memories Lou!!!!!

Okay, X-Fuck had his foot on the ropes and Mumbles counted it anyway. This is just to throw us of the trail. But, it doesn’t sway me: Mumbles is a bad guy now.

Quarter-hour 6

X-Fuck and Hall in Mumble’s Office:

Ohhh – Mumbles is threatened by the NWO. But, of course, Mumbles never got attacked. Mumbles is a bad guy now!!!

Underbiker in the ring:

He drives to the ring this time, wearing the new Underbiker hood. It sends shivers up my spine.

Okay, enough of this. Would someone please tell me why the hell I would ever want to see the Biker take on Hogan at the next PPV? Didn’t this same program run over a decade? Wasn’t it at Summerslam or something? Or Wrestlemania? Now you want me to watch you drag me back through the past like this? I can’t believe this. How fucking stupid.

All right – nap time. Let me know when it’s over. ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz-

Hogan’s got a brace on – No, I'm not talking about the Depends, you assholes. Oh – sorry, I’m sleeping. ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz…

Biker called Hogan a bitch. Finally, someone has the balls to say what I have been thinking for the last month. I suddenly like the Underbiker again.

This whole Hogan as champ thing makes me think of David Arquette as the champ in WCW. That was a good time for wrestling, wasn’t it?

By the way – Arquette still – pound for pound – held up the greatest sign in the history of all wrestling. I laughed for days after he held up a sign at Raw that read: Former WCW World Champion.

Quarter hour 7

Lita on the set of Dark Angel:

Sans broken neck. Thanks guys. Good idea - sending her out to "fake fight" with a non-wrestling girl. Good thinking WWF.

Big Bitch vs. Buh-buh

God I hope Buh-buh kicks her ass all over the arena. I hate this fucking woman with all my heart. "What do all the woman in the WWF have in common? All of them have tasted Buh-buh’s wood." Nicely played – but there is no way in hell I would want this woman to taste anyone’s wood. She might gnaw it off.

I think this is the first time a woman ever faced a man in the hardcore division. My prediction: she goes through a table, but not until after Stratus comes out and gets her some.

Buh-buh clowns around until the low-blow comes into play, and now the ring is littered with toys. (Not those toys, you sick bastards.) An ass bite leads to a trash can on the head, which leads to a table – but only after he tells himself to get the tables. This won’t work though because Buh-buh needs someone to hand the woman up to him. However, Stevie Richards comes out for the title, gets the win and runs like a woman. No Trish appearance? What the hell is with that?


Buh-buh lost and then Stevie runs away and gets into a car. Stevie must be doing the Big Bitch now. EEEEWWWWWWW…..

Hogan old cartoon:

Chicki-monki watches it perplexed. That’s fucking funny – quite disturbing isn’t it. He calls for the demise of the Hulkamaniacs with a butt load of Hogan’s old memorabilia. This is good….God, people bitch about Regal sometimes, but if he keeps ripping off segments like this, I’ll be behind him 100 percent. He’s such a pompous dude – it’s hysterical.

Baldy and Bradshaw:

Drink beer and say what. While Mumbles bitches and acts like a little sissy, begging for approval.

Seems Mumbles wants to wrestle next week, and there is no response. Seems kind of straight-forward for me.

Quarter hour 8:

Terry Bradshaw is promoting Super Cuts? What the hell is the point of that? He’s bald!! It’s like making Hogan a world champion!!! Oh, yea, that happened. Well, now, all that needs to happen is the Cubs winning the World Series and it’ll be the final sign of the Armageddon.

The Rock shills himself:

He’s everywhere. He’s a legend. He won’t be a wrestler for long.

Goldy vs. Li’l Spike:

Here comes revenge….Bookerwheat comes out and gets involved and the fight will be on at the next PPV.

As for the match – does it really matter? Goldy kicks around Li’l Spike until Booker shows up with a heel kick. But, I still don’t know whom to root for. Goldmember or Bookerwheat?

By the way, Li’l Spike holds onto the steel.

Though, Goldy WAS checking out Lillian – which I really can’t blame him. She’s looking good tonight.



Old guy vs. Chicki-monkey:

I’m going to try a little something here. Through the use of hidden subliminal messages, I’m going to tell you what is truly going through my skull throughout the entire match.

Regal comes out to his music. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan comes out to his music. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Regal acts like a pompous ass. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) People actually have signs up for Hogan? (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) He does the wave to the crowd and I wait for this to end. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Regal talks and wants to share some tea with Hogan. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan will not wrestle twice this week – he’s facing Jericho Thursday - so I can smell a set up here. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) This is the main event? (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) A tea party? (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) It’s despicable. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Regal gets hit in the face with the tea and the battle begins. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan takes to the offensive. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) But, before the bell rings – with Hebner in the ring standing between both wrestlers - the Underbiker is out. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan goes down before the bell because of the Biker prompting some revenge. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) This is retarded. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan’s hat comes off showing the need for hair club. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) I can’t believe these two are going to fight in the main event in a PPV. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Hogan looks for the blade. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) There it is, Hogan shows some red. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) The cut isn’t deep enough so when the camera turns he blades again. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) The Underbiker is a bad guy and the last hour of this show has totally sucked. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Now the blood pours while Hogan is choked out. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) And, I beg God and the Angel’s above to send Jericho and Angle back to Monday. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) No wonder the Osbornes is the number one rated cable show now. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) I’m thinking USA made the right decision in not worrying about the television contract for Raw. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) Thank God it’s over. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) That was totally stupid. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.)

Did you guys catch it? (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.)


(I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) I don’t know. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) It almost hurts to even make me pick an overall rating. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) I mean, Hogan is the fucking champion? (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) And no decent wrestling except for the opening match. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.) I’m going with a three out of 10. I want to give it a two, but I just can’t do it. (I can’t believe that old guy is the champion.)

Pointless Fact’s of Trivia:

I’m stunned that no one sent me anything for two weeks, so I’m just going to bring back the ones I can remember from the week before – AND SEND ME SOME TRIVIA THINGS TO LOOK FOR!! MY GOD, WITHOUT JERICHO AND ANGLE, I GET BORED!!!

How many fingers would I cut off to be with Lillian: Four on both hands. I’d keep my right middle finger and my left thumb.

Big Show Ball Kicks: I’m sure a lot – while he was traveling in India. My God, if their food is anything like the way they act, I guarantee you every kick was straight for the nuts.

Something about "What’s": I wasn’t paying attention to those damn things, so don’t ask again.

That’s it…see you next week.


Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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