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SQUARED CIRCLE JERK
RAW, Now with 60% MORE Austin!
June 18, 2002

by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

A few things:
  1. There are a few changes. The predictions are gone, as are the pointless facts of trivia things. The predictions are a pain in the ass to do off of tape because I usually know what is going to happen ahead of time. The PFOTís Ė I tried to get the letter writers out there involved, but towards the end there, I only got two or three pieces of mail a week Ė and nothing about trivia. I will continue to answer mail here, do an overall opinion for the show Ė but I will also name an MVP at the end of the report just to say who was the best PERFORMER of the night. Not a wrestler Ė persay Ė but more of an overall performer. AND, it will not be Lillian every week like many of you are thinking.
  2. The power outage from hell Ė sucked. Sorry about that Ė but I told everyone about it on the forums and there was nothing I could do about it. Yes Ė I could have done a Smackdown to appease the readers, but I just donít have the time for that. If I miss a Raw Ė I miss a Raw and thatís the way itís going to have to be for awhile. Sorry.
  3. Last week Ė I swear I sent the column to Rick on Tuesday morning like I always do, but for some reason he didnít get it. Then, I was going to resend it Tuesday night, but work got way the fuck out of hand. I wasnít free again until Thursday Ė and by that point, everyone was waiting for Smackdown. So, I just blew it off. If anyone wants me to send it in, and post it as a "lost article" then by all means. But, letís face it, there were two old guys in the main event and nothing else really happened. I gave the show a 5 Ė and Lillian looked great again Ė but that was about it. Like I said, if you want it, send me an e-mail and Iíll send it over. OtherwiseÖitís a lost cause.
  4. And, one last thing. There are two guys in Lake County, Illinois Ė my home cable system service Ė that does this show called "Over the Top Rope" or something like that. I just want to say you guys are absolutely retarded and clearly show that you have no idea what is going on in sports entertainment. One important point that you should really look into - MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE DOESNíT WRESTLE ANYMORE AND DOESNíT NEED TO BE A PART OF EVERY DAMN PROGRAM!!! And, to the big guy on that show, if I were you, I would smack that little fucker next to you every time he interrupts what youíre saying. God, he needs a good smack.

Other than that Ė seems to me that I really didnít miss much. I mean, sure, some mid-carding bald guy quit, but Raw didnít really need him anyway, right?

From the Bag Oí More Chicks:

From Vicki -

You have more than 1 girl reading your column. The first time I read it I thought you were way too opinionated and you swear too much. I also wonder what your girlfriend thinks about you lusting after Lillian the way you do. However as much as I love CRZ's recap your recap is highly entertaining in a different sort of way. I wonder why we have Austin on Raw as the big superstar and never see him wrestle a decent match? After last week one would think he could have unloaded on Eddie or do we have to wait for pay per view to see that? Well, I just wanted you to know that you had more than 1 girl reading your column, but you still swear too much. Oh and Sylvia is right, that Scott Keith is an idiot and I can't believe Rick gives him space to write here.
Thanks for the entertainment.

Dear Vicki

Truthfully, my girlfriend HAS NO IDEA that I lust secretly after LillianÖand I would appreciate it if you didnít send an e-mail to heather@hotmail.com telling her about it. Thanks.


PYRO!!!

Weíre in California and itís time for Raw. But letís not mix words, here, itís wrestling time!

The Dood vs. X-Fuck Ė KOTR Qualifier:

God, do you have any idea how much I hate X-Fuck. Heís like that little dog on Bugs Bunny cartoons that used to bite the heels of Butch the Bulldog. Man, heís annoying. Thereís a lot of back and forth in this thing, with both guys "giving their all," but the action heats up when Bookerwheat comes down to interfere with X-Fuck. The Dood ends it with a five-star and he advances.

And, just cause I know you were wondering who is my pick for the KOTR this year:

Itís going to be the Dood and Lesnar in the finals Ė with Lesnar taking it all. They arenít going to screw with his winning streak here.

Last Saturday on Confidential:

They talk about the Austin issue, which gives me the opportunity to speak on it a little bit:

Right now, Iím thinking this whole thing is an elaborate work and could make for a great storyline. If you break it down, it goes something like this:

Austin goes onto Byte this and admits that the writing for the show has sucked. Vinnie hears it and says something to Austin, but Austin tells him point blank that he spoke the truth. They bitch at one anotherÖbut cooler heads prevail. Some writer somewhere decides to use this in a storyline. The storyline is brought up to Austin, Vinnie and JR and all agree. They devise a plan to send him home for a couple of weeks to a month claiming that he walked out and has been given his release. Austin goes home, takes a vacation for a little while, then comes back in a month to start slapping around everyone involved in the storyline who treated him like shit. Itís not really original, but it makes a ton of sense. And, if you think about it, when other "huge names" were released or left on their own will Ė like Hogan, Hart, or even Scott Hall three weeks ago Ė it was mentioned quickly but never really talked about. With Hall, Flair walked up to the NWO and said "Heís been fired, but lets move onto something else."

If you think about it, the WWE would not spend this much time on the issue unless it was a complete work. What I see happening is that Austinís pissed off at the way things have been going, he acts pissed off at Vince, and eventually he comes back doing the same old rattlesnake routine.

The NWO in back:

X-Fuck slurs his way through a segment, while HBK and Nash explain that they have a plan to take out the raging Bookerwheat. My question is why donít they just find him in the back and go kick his ass? Heís in the arena somewhere. There are four guys in the NWO and only one Book. Seems simple to me.

Vinnie in the ring:

Have I mentioned how nice it is to see Vinnie in the ring? Iím Ė honestly Ė glad heís back on Raw.

Anyway Ė they go over the Austin thing again, - which is adding credence to my conspiracy thing. Vinnie tells the whole story of the release, and we are spending a long segment talking about it. Austin was pissed after Wrestlemania, he left last week and now heís gone. Itís got to be a work.

HOWEVER: Know this, if this isnít a huge work on behalf of the WWE writers, then something is seriously wrong with the federation. Itís this simple, if itís not a work, then Austin DID walk out because this show has sucked for the last three months. He admitted it on Byte This, and when he said it, I totally agreed with him. And now, he walks out because the writers want him to start a new feud Ė out of no where Ė with Brock Lesnar. They want him to job, and he wonít do it. Not because he doesnít want to job to the rookie Lesnar Ė heís shown in the past that heís willing to take a pinfall if the storyline is good - but because they would just be leaving the Eddie storyline OUT IN THE OPEN. Heís sick of this crap, and Ė honestly Ė so am I. I donít blame him for walking out if everything Iíve heard is true.

So, Vince spews acting like this whole thing isnít a work, and the only piece of info that I can believe Ė and like Ė is that the King of the Ring winner will get a shot at the WWF title.

Now, Vinnie makes an emotional plea to have Austin back, which is making this seem more like a work than ever before. And he leaves a beer in the center of the ring. Iím ready to throw up. If they give him a 10-bell salute, Iím going to be sick.

Jeff Hardy vs. Raven:

Damn Ė check out some LillianÖwow. Looking hot as hell.

Jeff seems to have turned on a mean streak, but he still hits like a girl. Out comes the Underbiker to stare down Jeff. You know, though, I have to give the fed just a little credit here. With the whole Brock beating Austin deal, and also letting Jeff and Matt work a "storyline B" against the Biker Ė I have to admit that they are trying out some new things. They arenít running around with the same old bullshit of Biker vs. Austin for the title. Sure, Biker is facing Triple H at the KOTR, but at least he has something going on Monday nights instead of just having him stand there saying "I will beat Triple H, who you donít see here because heís on SD."

Hardy gets the win over Raven with a swanton, but then climbs out of the ring and heads toward the Biker. But, there is no outcome because we have to cut to commercial instead.

Booker oils up:

While Goldy shows up looking like Captain Fu Manchu. You know, I really like the new Goldy. Heís a riot Ė well, not tonight Ė but heís funny a lot of times.

Coach walking and talking:

He summarizes the chick problems in the fed Ė while Molly uses one of them thigh masters to decrease her swollen ass. Coach makes a lot of ass jokes, while Molly is upset that she has a huge ass. I guess Trish and Molly are fighting Ė AGAIN - tonight. And Coach gets nailed in the face.

Speedy watches television:

Heís laughing when the rest of the Happy Posse walks in. They cry or whine or something, but then Lesnar and Heyman show up and make threats not to interfere tonight. I canít understand whyÖif they interfere, Lesnar is guaranteed a win. I say shut up and just go with it. Heyman warns them to stay out of his way, causing X-Fuck and HBK to take offense. This results in a stare down, showing me that Ė um Ė Lesnar is the bad guy while the NWO is good?

No, um, that wouldnít be rightÖLetís see here. Would that make Lesnar good, Booker good and the NWO good? No, that canít be right. Um, how about if the NWO is bad, Booker is good and Lesnar is Ė what Ė badder than bad? Thatís gotta be it.

Christopher Nowinski vs. Lilí Spike:

Nowinski is actually holding his own in putting on a decent match. I guess his time spent in Ohio wasnít bad, but I have to agree with Rick on the whole Tough Enough thing. Whatís the point of the show if they are just going to give everyone a contract and the opportunity to go to the WWE? Chris wins and they beat up Spike. Then Bradshaw runs in and nails Regal.

Flair is walking:

Sorry CRZÖitís not my fault.

YES!! Raw will be holding a "catwalk" competition next week. Well, YOU KNOW Iíll be here for that one!!!

Flair in the ring:

What in the world would posses Flair to wrestle Vinnie for a $980 billion business? In my opinion, it is NOT a good business decision. It also seemed very "thrown" together, if you ask my opinion.

So, Ric said he went out and "found" the real Ric Flair, which begs the question: where was he hiding? It seems that Flair will be heading back to the ring. Great, thatís just what Raw needs. A 60 year old man wearing tights. Suddenly, there is glass breaking and Austinís music plays, but itís just a ruse as Eddie struts out. This, of course, proves once again that this whole thing is a work. If it wasnít, they would never degrade Austin like that. Now Iím convinced.

Eddie with a hell of a speech tonight. He holds Flair responsible because Austin quit and mocks the Woo with the best of them. This prompts Benoit out, and to reveal the universal sign of the Four Horseman. However, I have a feeling that is going to be put to rest here, when Benoit nails Flair. Flair and Eddie announce a match at King of the Ring. And Ė I must be psychic - Benoit turns on Flair. He uses the neck injury to cement the storyline. Flair with a right cross, now Eddie and Benoit take out Flair and apply a figure four leg lock. And, just like that, Flair is a good guy again.

Vinnie on the phone:

With CRZ no doubt. After all, Chris has nothing to do tonight but call Vinnie on his personal cell and talk to him about what just happened. And, enters Ė Nowinski. They talk about colleges, and how great a human being Chris is. CRZ calls back just in time Ė why is Vince calling CRZ Tony? Oh, itís not CRZ Ė itís some guy named Tony. Vince said Tony said that Austin said that Vinnie said that JR said that Stone Cold is on his wayÖbut I think not. Not today. Sure, itís a work and everything, but they wouldnít run him back now. Give it two weeks.

Vinnie gives a speech:

To security. He warns them to let Austin in for coffee and allow him the run of the joint.

Stratus and DíLo vs. Molly and Crash:

Trish looks hot, Molly looks frumpy, and Iím having naughty thought about Lillian and Trish in an oil-wrestling match. Molly was just called "posteriorly challenged," while I think she is more busomly challenged. Well, the match is what you expect - the guys fight, then the girls fight, then the guys fight again. Low Down from D-Lo gets the win. Trish gets a face shot from the table, but she shows that sheís a good little trooper and is expected to live.

The World Party in New York:

Lita has a neck issue and wont be fighting tonight. But, Biker will be facing Matt next.

Vinnie in his office:

Vinnie sets up a camera crew, when he is interrupted by that Tough Enough slut Jackie. Apparently she decided to become a member of Raw Ė which is good because this show is out of women wrestlers for me to stare at. And, Vinnie announces that there is a lingerie competition next week. Jackie Ė of course Ė plays the good little slut and acts like she is happy to be a part of it. You know what they say Ė the best characters are the ones that are truly themselves. Austin is Austin, Helmsley is Helmsley, Taker is Taker and Jackie is a slut.

Underbiker vs. Matt Hardy:

This would be a non-title match, of course. Matt comes out Ė proves he isnít gay like his brother and throws a couple of decent punches. Since this is a non-title match, I see Hardy getting the win with the help of his brother. You know, if I remember this whole storyline correctly, didnít Jeff start this whole thing by making the Underbiker eat puke? So, shouldnít he get this opportunity? I spoke too soon as the gay brother comes out to get him some. Jeff sets up a swanton, while the double-teaming commences. But Raven runs out to make the save. Last ride for Matt and the match is over. Jeff is beat up and thrown unceremoniously in the ring. And out comes a pair of handcuffs. (Why didnít Raven use those in his match with Jeff earlier?) Jeffís tied to the rope and gets his ass kicked around. However, after about 5 or 6 Biker soup-bones, itís over. What the hell? The old Biker would have leveled the poor bastard. Welcome to the new kinder Ė gentler wrestling.

Perky with Biker:

Biker is looking for respect. But, honestly, I lost all respect for Biker for letting Jeff off easy.

Vinnie in the office:

Again, whoever is coming to the arena is near. And, more importantly, the camera guys are being forced to wear those crappy "Get the F out" t-shirts. I feel for them, I really do.

Heyman and Hebner:

Heyman is asking Hebner to not allow outside interference, but Hebner tells him in no uncertain way to "get the F out." Heyman is really not getting any respect tonight. Booker T then bitches at Heyman, making this whole thing a pointless segment.

Lesnar vs. Booker T:

Lesnar is friggin huge, scary, and the future champion of the WWE.

This is the reason Austin quit, by the way. He was supposed to job to Lesnar and he didnít want to. I can see both sides of this thing, if itís true. Austin doesnít want to job to the next "Goldberg," but at the same time, itís a great idea to have Lesnar take the next step up and create a new storyline. Oh well, itís a work anyway so itís pointless to discuss.

And, out comes the NWO to take up positions of prominence at the mic. One question Iíve had about the return of HBK: why the hell is he here? Whatís the point of bringing him in if he isnít going to wrestle? Okay, the match is getting out of hand. Letís see if I can sum it all up:

Goldy is out and drills Heyman. Michaels and Nash talk about nothing important, while Lesnar kicks around Booker. All the time, JR screams about how Booker was booted out of the NWO for dancing, which is what Michaels spent his life doing. All of this occurs while the King screams in a high piercing noise. Lesnar finally starts to sell to Booker, a Spinarooni comes out, X-Fuck gets booted off the apron, but Lesnar with that face plant thingy to secure the win. Heyman gets Lesnar out of there, while Goldy tries to save Booker. Goldy gets the big chokeslam and the NWO parties. Whooo-boy.

Vinnie in his office:

I guess Austin is on his way Ė not. Who is it?

Vinnie in the ring:

And waits for music. He also asks for some alcohol, and receives it. He expects Austin Ė but itís not Austin. Instead, itís Ė

The Rock in the ring:

Well, look what they have goiní on over here. Duhey is back? Well, that makes sense. Rock is in California filming something, and Raw happens to be in the movie-star state. Why wouldnít he stop by and say hello? After making Vinnie look like a boob, he announces heíll be at KOTR. (Hey, some guy held a sign up with my name on it!!!! Yeah!! ) What will Duhey be doing there? I have no idea. But damn if he isnít going to be there to entertain the crowd. One quick note: he ripped apart on Austin by chucking a beer at Vinnie, while he also told Austin to take his ball to go home and play.

Duhey tried to make me believe that Austin isnít a work Ė but I ainít buying it. Itís still a work.

Overall:

Not bad for what they had to work with, and I like a few of the new angles going on, but itís still a somewhat subpar effort. It didnít make me jump up and scream or anything, but it didnít bore me either like it has in the past. So, I guess Iíll give it a 6 Ė a 7 if I am looking into the future and hoping it gets better from here.

MVP:

Austin: He was the most talked about human being for two hours on a wrestling show where he didnít even show his face or speak two words. Thatís damn impressive.

 

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE SQUARED CIRCLE JERK ARCHIVES

Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.


  
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