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The Wandering Eye...
July 9, 2002

by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Rick announced an off-wrestling topic that I had to announced, so I suppose I should tell you what it is:

I took off last week for my yearly vacation to Milwaukee and to attend Summerfest. Well, my girlfriend and I left, went there, had a blast, came home and then – drum roll please – got engaged. I got down on my knee and proposed under the fireworks and she said yes. Isn’t that sweet?

Well, anyway, now the wedding planning begins – and we are scheduled to tie the knot on Oct. 11, 2003. And, don’t worry, you are all invited – except for Rick. Sorry, dude, we wont have any Pabst Blue Ribbon at the ceremony, so you won’t attend anyway.

But onto wrestling:

From the Bag O’ Jericho:

From HetfieldXX:

Thank you, SOMEBODY finally agrees with me about the Jericho 
thing. I've had no support on the OO message board. I 
sympathize with him, it was a good match (definitely not 4 
stars), but I take the time to go to his site to read his 
commentary, and he calls me a jackoff. F HIM!

Dear HetfieldXX:

I’m here to please. And those guys on the OO message boards are the REAL jack-off’s that Jericho was talking about - not us.

From the Bag O’ Working:

From Brad:

One thing I've noticed is that everyone assumes that the "whole thing" with Austin was either a total work or a complete shoot. No one has seemed to bring forth the notion that it may have started as an elaborate work and that the Austin flipping out and whacking Debra around like a coward part was an unfortunate and unrelated coincidence. If the whole thing started as a work, then the WWE would have no choice but to abort the whole plan once the incident with Debra occurred. I think the evidence is there to say that it started as a big storyline, but I also think that there is ample evidence to support the fact that it didn't end up NEARLY as planned. Just my 2 cents. Good Job by the way.

Dear Brad –

You have managed to translate my thoughts eloquently. The point that I was trying t make last week was that it COULD have started out as a work, but then – due to unfortunate circumstances – turned into a shoot and caused the WWE to abort the entire plan. I have learned a long time ago that anything that appears on one of the BS television shows produced for Saturday morning, noon, or night, is a set up for RAW and SD. By doing that piece on Austin on Confidential, I firmly believe it was a work. Than – after the piece was taped by Ross and McMahon and was ready to air, Austin spazzed and caused the fed to drop everything. Thanks for pointing that out. You are brilliant and should be a writer on RAW.

But, on with this week’s craptacular offering:

Replay of Angle vs. Biker:

Who pinned whom? No one seems to know…but we do know that Angle is bald.

Vince’s Floating Head:

Hey, it’s the Wizard! I haven’t seen this head since Dorothy went over the rainbow!!!

Seems the Underbiker is getting the night off, and preparing to take on the Rock soon. This leads to the announcement that there is now a Triple Threat match at Vengeance between the Rock, Angle and the Biker. My prediction is that the Rock will win it and have a face vs. heel match at Summerslam.

Raw opening credits:

I love it when two girls kiss. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

We are in Philadelphia – so you just know that the E-C-Dub chant will ring throughout the arena all night.

Booka T in the ring:

Booka isn’t worried about getting his ass kicked by the nOw, but wants it to happen in the ring. He also quotes his father who always said "Can You Dig That, Sucka!!!" Well, in response, my Dad always said, "If it sucks, fuh-fuh-wahd."

Eddie takes offense to the words of wisdom from Booka’s dad, and decides to come out and express his chagrin. This of course, leads too –

Booka vs. Eddie:

As long as Eddie is out here,:

From the Bag O’ Eddie:

From Mike:

Explain to me how Benoit and Guerrero are winding up on the debit side of your RAW ledger?

Dear Mike:

I don’t consider Eddie and Benoit liabilities on Raw, but I’ll tell you, I don’t see Eddie as a main eventer either. I’ll be the first to say he’s a great wrester and has some great matches, but I just do not see him holding the world title – ever. Benoit, I can see holding the world title, but he’s still shaking off some of the ring rust and will not be back to true form for another two months. Booka, he could hold the title. Lesnar, he could also be seen with the title. RVD, yes, he will be great. Eddie – well, sorry, I don’t see Eddie ever winning the world title. However, that’s just my damned opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

Anyway, it seems Booka won with a roll up, then the world is treated to a spinaroonie. However, Benoit comes down and gets involved and doesn’t let the roonie-thing happen. This prompts Goldy to come down where he promptly gets his ass kicked. However, the world is saved when the Dudley duo comes down to clean house. I get the feeling this isn’t over - yet.

Rey-Rey snippet:

They are going to send him to SD because they don’t want to give me anything GOOD to write about.

Booka and Goldy in the back:

It’s time for our comedy segment of the week. Seems Goldy has a plan to take care of the nOw, and he’s off. In the meantime, Booka takes out an X-Fuck look alike. HA! (sarcastic.)

Trish, Linda and Coach:

The blondes just stand there while Coach talks about Heat or whatever – and we get a replay of Molly granny pants.

We come back to where Jackie seems to be pissed off that Trish was involved in her match last week. This prompts Nowinski to come out and the entire segment seems to spin right into a hole. Nice job guys…great job of acting by the TE kids.

A Duey moment:

He made Lillian wet – kind of like I do every week. And now, she’s blushing as she tries to speak in the ring. Awww, she’s so cute.

Benoit vs. Bubba:

They replay stuff from last week, but it’s cut off because of a segment with Goldy – dressed as Benja-goldy Franklin. He tries to recruit the Dudley’s. He is also laughing like Santa Claus. This, too, also fell flat, but I must say that it’s the first time that Goldy has fallen flat on these skits. They’re usually kind of funny.

Anyway, to the ring again, this was a pretty good match. I’ve always liked the way Bubba worked, and Benoit is great. However, for a hot Philly crowd, it seems like they aren’t getting into it. This match should be Taylor-made for them. Bubba taps out to a cross face, and then gets the beat down. However, Booka and Goldy come down to make the save. Hmm…seems something is happening here. An alliance of some sort has been made.

Okay, the best thing I saw on Raw thus far was that Starburst commercial where the hot girl unwraps the Starburst with her tongue. Thank you – honey. I’m going out to buy a package of Starburst now – it’s my new favorite candy.

Nowinski travels through Harvard:

He’s acting like a nice guy throughout this entire vignette, which does nothing to cement him as a heel. So, in essence, this doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

JR and King:

Spew their wad about yet another PPV I’m not buying. Then they replay the Hardy/Taker match last week. You know what’s funny about this right now? The biker has received more television time at this point on this show than anyone else has – and it’s all through replays. By the way, it was a good ladder match. I thought it was pretty well done, but I didn’t like the ending where Biker gives Jeff props and holds up his hand. Also, if the fed really wanted to impress me and show me that they were heading in a new direction, they would have given the belt to Hardy for one week or something.

Hardy and Flair:

Flair tosses props to the Jeff, while Steven Richards picks on the old timer. They set up a match for later, which makes no logical sense to me. I can’t understand why they would waste Flair with Steven Richards at all. I can’t believe these two will be wrestling tonight.

Stratus and Bradshaw vs. TE Jackie and TE Nowinski:

Okay, do you think that Jackie has hung onto that spud of a boyfriend she had when TE ended filming? And, the funniest thing is that JR just told the entire world that the TE competitors will make a ton of mistakes and basically suck. As if JR is a prophet who can see moments into the future, Jackie and Trish just missed a top rope move that would have possibly impressed me. In addition, Jackie looks like she is just not trying. Her kicks don’t sell and she is falling apart in the ring. However, the tag is made, Nowinski tried to hit Trish but she rolls away. Then the two guys fight a little and run into the crowd. The women are back in, and Jackie is on the offense. They go for a move off the top rope, but Trish counters. Jackie isn’t getting set up for the bulldog, so they try again…Trish off the tope rope for her bulldog and…HA!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The phantom bulldog just put Jackie down for the pin!!! I gotta rewind that and see it again. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It’s even funnier the second time. Trish never even touched Jackie but the TE champion went down like a house of cards. And, to make it worse, she hit the mat no less than three seconds after Trish landed on her ass!!!! Oh God – there is going to be one less Diva in the WWE next week when Jackie gets demoted to OVW. And, to make it worse, Trish is pissed of because she looked like TOTAL shit.

Eddie and Benoit:

Bitch about the Goldy situation, but the nOw shows up claiming they have an announcement for the GaHHHme.

Another Duey montage:

Seems Duey can make fun of everyone in the federation.

The nOw in the ring:

They give the GaHHHme two weeks to get his affairs in order and come over to the nOw, then Diesel announces that he intends to wrestle tonight. Good job, guys. Aren’t segments like this the same exact fucking thing that killed the WCW?

Torrie Wilson:

Will be returning to her back-water trailer park to show off her assets and make everyone jealous on Confidential this week. In essence, the coolest show from the WWE is going to take a nosedive this week.

Hogan and Edge:

Won the tag titles. That was pretty cool, though I didn’t see it. Props to the SD crew for coming up with that idea.

Flair vs. Steven Richards:

Okay, we know how this is going to go, so I’m going to talk about something else. I think – in my mind anyway – I have finally figured out why Raw is so bad while SD continues to get better and better each week. If you look at the writers of the shows, it makes logical sense. Heyman is the head writer for SD because he is a performer on Raw and they do not want him pulling double duty. The head writer for Raw – I bet – was supposed to be Russo, but his ideas were shot down by McMahon and the rest of the creative team, and now they are second guessing his hiring. In addition, Stephanie McMahon is sitting back there, helping out, as well as Triple H while he gets his elbow fixed. Now, we can all ascertain that Heyman is a genius when it comes to laying out wrestling shows and storylines – and evidence of that shows up week after week on SD – not to mention that one show called ECW. However, with no one pulling Heyman’s role on Raw, the writing is just screwed up and it’s not flowing together. Vince has other shit to do and cant sit there and make sure Raw is up to snuff, while Steph was never a writing genius to begin with. So, in my own opinion, in order to fix Raw, you need to bring in that one guy who can equal Heyman OR you need to cut Lesnar loose on his own and give Heyman both jobs. However, the head writing job for both shows is too big a job for one man to do alone. Let’s face it, there are 10 people who write the show "Friends" on a weekly basis…and each one of them put in 16 hour days to get 22 episodes written each year. Imagine writing 2 shows – 2 hours long each. That’s way too much. So the fed needs to come up with something with Heyman’s equal. They thought they had it in Russo, but then the company backed off – and I can’t really blame them for that. You just know that the locker room – filled with WCW stars that couldn’t stand Russo. Anyway, until we get an equal to Heyman on the Raw side – or until he has a heart attack trying to oversee the content of two shows – Raw will continue to stay in the four to five star rating.

Anyway, why were we here? Oh yea… Flair wins with the figure four, which was expected.

Starburst commercial again:

God, I love that commercial.

Another Duey moment:

And he does the King…how nice.

Lesnar and Heyman:

Heyman said that he created ECW – as well as RVD, Philadelphia and the Universe. Tommy Dreamer takes offense to that announcement – he rightfully feels that he created the Universe - and comes out with a kendo stick. A little fight happens, but not before the Dood comes out and knocks Lesnar and Heyman around – including a Van Daminator across the ring – ala ECW style. However, the only interesting thing here is that Lesnar will be facing the Dood at Vengeance for the IC title.

That former president of the Philly Sixers:

Sorry, I forgot his name. It’s Jim Crochet or something. But, he’s in the front row promoting his new show Slamball, which is basketball on trampolines. It looks kind of cool but will fail, just like the Gladiators and Rollerball and all those other new sports introduced.

Jeff Hardy vs. William Regal:

Seems – after the hard work that Hardy went through last week – they are going to give him a title. And, he seems to be hurting – aww. Maybe if he didn’t hit like a girl, he would have won the title last week. Anyway, Chicki-monkey knocks the closet dweller around, but Hardy rallies and wins with a swanton off the top rope for the win. He cries over the title, while I notice that if Hardy ever wins the world title, he would have pulled of the feat of winning the four major titles in the fed (European, IC and tag.).

Again the starburst commercial:

I think the reason I like this commercial so much is because – not only did she pull the wrapper of the thing with her tongue, but she then tosses a little wink to the guy next to her. It’s as if to say she LOVES using her tongue on things...and I’m the guy who would love to have her tongue used on me. (Dude, you’re engaged now, you can’t be saying shit like that.)

God, she is a serious contender for the prestigious Circle Jerk MVP award tonight.

Another Duey moment:

Hey, his Birthday party – that was funny as hell. Good clip.

Regal and Coach:

Regal breaks down and cries like a baby. Seems there is Vengeance in the air…pun intended here. Then Nowinski walks in and they hug in a tender moment…are they gonna kiss? That’s sick.

The Dudleys:

Beg the Dood to join them. And, he does.


Eddie, Benoit and the now vs. The Dood, Booka, Goldy, and the Dudleys:

There is a lot of people in that ring. The match starts with The Dood taking on X-Fuck. One thing, for all you youngsters out there looking to get into wrestling (Immolator, you may want to read this), I suggest you take some gymnastic lessons like RVD did. The flexibility pays off in the long run.

Okay, a lot of quick tags, back and forth stuff – nothing great about it until Diesel finally gets the tag and then – OWWWW!!! He’s down…he blew out his knee. You can totally tell. He runs to the corner and it just went on him. Booker gets the beat down by HBK, then a warning is issued to the game while X-Fuck pleads with everyone to get a stretcher. Then, Diesel is carried off by his comrades. Have fun in surgery – again – Big Daddy Cool.

That’s it – I’m out of here.


Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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