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Good to His Word?
July 16, 2002

by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I just want to wish Rob and Val – who’s wedding I was in this last Sunday – best wishes in the future. This was the first wedding out of three that I am a part of. Tim and Carrie get married in October and than my wedding is one year from now. So, let’s hope that everything goes as smoothly for the next two that Rob’s and Val’s did.

But, let’s get to it:

From the Bag O’ Future Writers of America:

From Brad –

Hey man, Thanks for the props in your column on Tuesday. I think I'd be flattered about the "writer for RAW" comment if it didn't sound like one of the worst jobs in the world... the Internet pressure ALONE would kill me. On to business... I'm glad that you got enjoyment out of the Trish/Jackie segment. I found it utterly embarrassing. Sooo embarrassing in fact that I'm less embarrassed to admit that during that match I hid my head in my Dungeon Master's Guide to keep from looking at my TV. Now THAT'S embarrassing... wait. Anyway, I'd like to point out that if WWE wants to gain new viewership or to get back some that they've lost, they should probably lay off the embarrassing crap like that Trish/Jackie segment. I mean hell, JR even pretty much nailed the coffin shut before they even got in the ring, like he knew a fustercluck was on it's way. Why on EARTH would you produce a segment like that on PURPOSE? Eh, whatever. It's their funeral.

Dear Brad –

From now on, I would keep that whole Dungeon Masters thing to yourself – like I have for the past 10 years.

From the Bag O’ Congrats:

From Todd –

Congratulations on your engagement!!!

Dear Todd –

Thanks, bro. And, congrats on whatever it is that you have done that has made your life rewarding. Or, something like that.

Anyway, on with the show:

Underbiker and Heyman:

Heyman just places his head up the Bikers ass and begins kissing the entire orifice in front of him. Biker and Lesnar are teaming up against Flair and the Dood in the main event – which I am actually looking forward to. Of course, the fact that Lesnar getting the title shot at Summerslam is mentioned – but duh.

Raw credits:

The girls kiss a couple of times, then we see pyro and the Continental Airlines is screaming unison. I didn’t realize that Continental Airlines was still in operation.

The nOw in the ring:

Um…uh – no, that’s not right.

Vinnie in the ring:

Okay, Vinnie swaggers out to the music of the nOw, and then proceeds to inform us that the nOw is history. Well that makes sense: Nash is out for six months, X-Fuck is out for a month and Michaels can’t wrestle. That leaves Speedy – and lets face it, there is no way that Speedy could carry the nOw storyline. So, the good news is I never have to write the nOw again.

McMahon the waxes nostalgic for us, going over the different eras of the WWF/E - including Hogan, Hart, Warrior and SCSA. Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Vinnie. However, now for the big news of the night, Vinnie has hired a general manager and he will be appearing in the next hour. (Also, he admits its time to shake some things up because this show sucks.) Let the speculation begin: My guess off the top of my head is that it’ll be Shane McMahon…that’s totally logical. On the other hand, my roommate Tim thinks its going to be Eric Bischoff – which is pretty far fetched. If Easy E were at Raw, I’m sure we would have heard about it somewhere.

But, just in case it IS Bischoff, I will quit writing this thing. I vowed a long time ago that I would never write for Nitro, and if Bischoff is the new GM of this show, then this show will officially be turned into Nitro.

In the back:

Everyone is stunned while watching the television.

Perky and Flair:

Wow, Terry looks hot tonight. But Flair echoes exactly what I think. He said only a McMahon would be able to be the general manager. He – of course – is talking about Shano.

Jeff Hardy and the Dudleys vs. Benoit, Eddie and Regal:

This should be cool. Also, I get my first look at Lillian…um, not bad. But, I’m learning to control my disgusting ways. I want to stop with the wandering eye…I’m in love with a wonderful woman – Damn, Lillian does look hot tonight! I cant take it…come to me Lillian. Come to Lee.

Okay, pier six to start out, then it thins out and Eddie and Spike start it off. Spike doesn’t last long after he’s rolled up by Eddie.

Then all five contestants get in and out of the ring, with Jeff Hardy getting the hardest beating of the night. The best part for me is Bubba, who has really stepped up his game recently – this guy needs the IC title just to see what he can do with it for a while.

Anyway – the mach is fast with Jeff Hardy taking most of the punishment. Damn, this is turning into a long match. I’m surprised it’s not over yet. It’s been going for about 15 minutes so far. Bubba gets DQed for saving Jeff from a title belt hit. Then Jeff gets rid of Regal…and they cut to commercial.

Excellent – it means it’s going longer. This is what Raw needs more of – longer matches and shorter skits and give these guys time to do what they do best. I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but these guys are wrestlers, not actors. They weren’t hired for their acting ability, they were hired for the way they wrestle. Keep them in the ring longer, and give them less time to act.

Anyway, after the commercial, Jeff is fighting for his life to stay alive. Then, somehow, Jeff gets a pin out of Eddie, but Eddie refuses to leave and Jeff gets kicked around more. After another 5 minutes, Benoit gets the win when Regal returns with the knucks and drills Hardy in the head. A great match – kudos to the staff for FINALLY doing their job correctly. Then, the tables come out but Bubba saves Jeff’s life by coming out.

Coach outside McMahons office:

He throws a lot of names out, waiting for some sort of reaction. Then, Paul Heyman shows up and goes in to speak with McMahon, but then they both are informed that the new general manager is here. How nice.

Vinnie in his office:

And in walks Shano! All right – I can continue to work for Rick…wait, Shano admits to not being a general manager, and that he doesn’t want the general manager hired. Oh shit – it’s Bischoff. I can tell already. Well, sorry guys, but I now have something I need to write:

Dear Rick,

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that I can no longer write SCJ for OO. The reason is because I hate Nitro. I told you when I first began that I will not write SCJ for Nitro because Nitro was just a bad show. I need to be entertained. And, in my honest opinion, though Raw has been a crappy show lately, it never reached the depths that Nitro did while they were still in business. With the addition of Bischoff to Raw, I feel that Raw will instantly plunge into the depths of Nitro-land and therefore become a steaming pile of shit. After all, this is the guy who made viewers TURN THE CHANNEL by announcing that Mick Foley was going to win the WWF title. I hated Nitro with every ounce of hatred I ever had.

So, I want to thank you for the time I have spent here, and I look forward to working with you again when Raw becomes Raw again.

Your Humble Servant,

The Squared Circle Jerk

Dreamer and the Dood:

These two take way to long to talk about past accomplishments and to rip on Paul Heyman. Richards walks out and challenges Dreamer to a Singapore cane match – prompting Golddust to touch himself – which makes the wrestlers crack up.

Then, Tommy is slammed in the gut with a cane by Richards. Seems the Innovator of Violence may finally have found his niche.

Dreamer vs. Richards:

This actually is a pretty good match. It starts off slow, but after Dreamer blades, it becomes great. The two have near falls and a lot of cane attacks. However, the shot to Richards by Dreamer at the end completely shatters the cane, and elicits me to laugh out loud. Finally, the wrestling is starting to come around while the back stage stuff is cooling off. Too bad I won’t be able to cover it in the future because the minute that Bischoff is introduced, I walk.

Booka and the Coach:

That sounds like a new sitcom. Anyway, Booka makes the coach do the stupid spinaroonie…and it sucks. See this is why these things should end. If you aren’t the Rock, you shouldn’t get more than 2 minutes on the microphone. And, after playing the race card – calling the Coach white – out walks Bischoff.

Maybe it’s just another ploy like they did with Shano. But if he is introduced, I walk.

Vinnie on the ramp:

And he introduces Easy E. And that’s it…I quit.



Lee Filas is a 32-year-old newspaper reporter and wrestling fan from the Chicago-land Area.

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