by Moses Gates
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’ve finally done it!   After four columns, I can say I’ve made it as an Internet wrestling writer.   Why?    My first letter from (as Lee Filas puts it) the "Bag O’ Hate."   Check it out.   Glennoben@aol.com writes:

piss off your not coming to my parties

Hey, so it’s not Steve Corino calling me out to the House of Hardcore.   But it is a genuine flame damn it!   Notice the lack of punctuation and proper grammar and everything!

Anyway, on to the latest column.

First, my apologies.  I was somewhat sloppy last column and have a few retractions.

• Jazz is not the only WWFer with an eyebrow ring, Test has one too.

• After taking a short break, Cole has - quite unfortunately – gone back to putting blond highlights in his hair.  

• The back of HHH’s new shirt is actually a small picture of his bust, not a skull and crossbones as I thought when I first saw it.   I promise I’ll check out the ShopZone before making any more false observations.   You of course, should never go to any web retailer other than Amazon.com, and then only by clicking on one of the handy links below.

• Neither of my predictions from two columns ago – Austin’s music starting with "What?" or Albert’s Chyron reading "Hip Hop Hippo" – have come true.   However, Albert was announced as "The Hip Hop Hippo Albert" so there’s still hope for that one.

It looks like HHH wasn’t lying when he said he was spending all day in the gym during his injury.   He’s now being announced at 272 pounds, which is about 25 more than he was being announced at before his injury.   And I think we can all tell it ain’t 25 pounds of fat he’s put on.   Thanks to Kawshen of the Wienerville message board for pointing that out.   You, of course, should never visit any message board other than the Online Onslaught message board.   And then only when Rick puts up a link to it from the "interact" button on the top menu.   But be sure to click on that Amazon link for now!

OK, enough obnoxiousness from me.  

Booker T’s new tights (the red ones) – Love them.   Thank God Booker found a color that looks good on him and seems to be sticking with it.   I think he’s a primary color guy.   Blue, red and yellow work for him pretty well.

The Rock Cam – Hate it.   I wouldn’t have minded so much if there wasn’t the flashing "Rock Cam" in the corner of the screen.   While I’m not of the Rick Scaia mindset of "if it wouldn’t happen if wrestling was actually real, it shouldn’t happen" when it comes to somewhat unrealistic vignettes and whatnot, I do think that philosophy has a place in the actual arena.   How are we supposed to believe that the Rock grabbing that camera was remotely spontaneous if the producers already had a "Rock Cam" graphic ready to go?

Adding sound effects to "last Monday on Raw" clips – Hate it.   I’m taking, of course, about adding the "clink" sound effect to Vince hitting Flair with a pipe when they replayed that clip on SmackDown!   See the above paragraph for my general thoughts on "unrealistic things happening in the ring."   The idiocy is compounded when later in the same segment Vince hit Flair with the same lead pipe and there’s no sound, even though SmackDown! isn’t live and they could have edited it in.

Royal Rumble video to "Cocky" – Loved it.   Whoever put that video together did a great job of setting the clips to the music.   Almost all the big slams, chairshots, and impact moves all came on the downbeat, which made the audio and visual parts blend together really well.   My only complaint is that while having Austin say "What?" along to the song once or twice would have been kind of cool, it got pretty old by the 5th time.

The Rock’s gold tights – Hate them.   Just when I think the Rock’s taste in colors can’t get any worse (dark pink, powder blue) it does.   Amazing.

Entrance music changes –  Hate them.  All the new themes (Test, RVD, and Tazz) sound really generic.   I’m very glad they went back to RVD’s old music (with a little tweak) after a couple weeks.   For some reason the WWF lately has been changing entrance music and pyros for a week or two, and then going back to the originals.   I wouldn’t be too surprised to see Tazz back to his old music soon also.

Jericho’s outfits – Torn.   They go with his character I suppose, but some - especially the checkerboard pants and sparkly belt - are REALLY hard on the eyes.   The Godfather’s new toned-down look, on the other hand, I’m digging.   And he should have been the one wearing the Playboy bunny shirt.  

Debra’s Stone Cold-esque leather vest – Love it.   First of all, she looks great in it, and I’m not one who thinks Debra is very attractive.   But more importantly, it has "Debra" on the back, which for some reason I can’t really put my finger on, I find incredibly cool.   And if it had said "Debra 3:16" instead of "Austin 3:16" on the front, it might have even given Ivory’s pants a run for their money in my "best woman’s outfit" category.

TheSmarks.com latest web redesign – torn.   I’m not a fan of the new color scheme, but I like the better navigability.   While I’m on the subject of meta-wrestling commentary, let me say I like Kyle Maxwell’s "The Smarky Awards."   There you have it.   An Internet writer commenting on an Internet writer that comments on Internet writers that comment on wrestling.   Please don’t comment on this last sentence.

In case you missed it:

>From the January 10th SmackDown! Mick Foley is still in the opening montage – Tazz has an "FTW" on his TitanTron video (and Tazz’s TitanTron video is being used for Tazz and Spike when they come out together) – Tazz’s shirt said "Brooklyn Pride" on the back with a "Red Hook Brooklyn" and his symbol in white over the breast pockets – Lillian put a braid in her hair – Rikishi’s pyro got botched, with only three turnbuckles shooting off sparklers (the camera crew did a great job of covering it up though).  

>From the January 13th Heat (yes I sometimes watch Heat and even Jakked).   Scotty II Hotty got a haircut – Scotty’s tights say "beware the worm" – Sergeant Slaughter was wearing an FDNY hat – Saturn came out to the old Radicals music instead of his "air-raid siren" music.

>From the January 14th RAW.   Jackie really needs to ditch some of that weave – Jazz has a tattoo above her left boob – M&Ms are now bringing you the "Rewind" – I have a sneaking suspicion Edge is wearing lifts, as he has that same goofy in ring movement Jericho has – Undertaker has an "It’s my yard" shirt.  

>From the January 17th SmackDown! – Big Show’s pyro got tweaked a bit, with two showers of sparks on either side instead of one n the middle – DDP is going to regret wrestling with that big hoop earring someday – Clearasil and X-Box are bringing you clips – HHH has the same Red Baron logo on his tights as he does on his shirt.

>From the January 21st RAW – There’s a new "Countdown to WrestleMania times 8" graphic – Val shouldn’t have cut his hair, as he’s got little bald spot going ( not a big deal, we’re talking more Rock sized than Savage sized here) – 1-800-GODFATHER will give you a busy signal if you call right after he mentions it, but if you wait until after the show to call it will ring 10 times until you get tired and hang up.   See folks, I really go the extra mile here.

>From the January 24 RAW – Nobody, especially the Undertaker, ever looks good in a do-rag – Tazz wore a "Just Another Victim shirt."  

Finally, give yourself a one Sherlock Holmes point if you thought Vince was talking to a mirror but couldn’t figure out a way to prove it.   Give yourself two points if you figured it out because his bandage was on the wrong side of his face or his wedding ring was on his right hand.   But only give yourself the maximum three Sherlock Holmes points if you figured it out (as I did) because his shirt was buttoned the wrong way.   Hey, that’s why Rick gave ME the column.   Well ok, actually it’s just because I happen to write him with the idea at the right time, but if anyone asks I had to beat out dozens of other columnists for the spot.   And I also won the SmackDown! recapping gig for WrestleLine, but turned it down.

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