by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net

Last week: in a "dark promo" Eric Bischoff confronted Jeff Hardy to ask him whether Trish Stratus' boobs were real. Jeff didn't answer, and instead blew a "being employed" spot. He then covered himself in Woolite and Slip-'n'-Slid down the entrance ramp and crashed into the ring. WWE EMTs Spike Dudley and Al Snow then rushed him to TNA, where both of them also had interviews in the afternoon... and where Al Snow told Jeff he was already cut.

Meanwhile Chief Morley told the entire locker room that rubbing UV-light-friendly soap all over themselves wasn't hygienic, and that they'd all have to start using water to rinse off, from now on. Triple H, as a locker-room leader stepped forward and showed them how to spray water on themselves, while Rock pointed to his own crotch and yelled, "Clean, BABY!"

Last night: The Clique had a match featuring "Three Other Guys." Goldberg decided to get the wrestling party started right, by increasing his record to 5-0. Oh, and Some Rapper Dude lost to this Muscle Dude for a World Title of some sort. That guy's not HHH. What's up with that?

We are live from Boston, with Coach and the Howler Monkey.... Coach welcomes us and invites us all to buy his fine leather products.

Jericho comes out wearing a vinyl vest. See, that's practical. Woolite and water-spray will bead up on it and wipe right off. He's out to complain about Roddy Piper refusing to sit in on bagpipes for Fozzy's metal cover of "The Rare Old Mountain Dew." He's angry Piper said no because "he's Scottish, not Irish, and he prefers Mellow Yellow."

Jericho prepares to discuss it at length in his new segment, the "Jericho Hi-Lite Reel." The chyron shows Jericho running through a hamster wheel. Triple H is holding him down on the bottom-left of the screen.

Goldberg hears the words "Hi-Lite Reel" and thinks Jericho is saying "Lite Brite Deal" and comes out to look at his own entrance pyro. It's bright. Jericho snaps him out of it:

CJ: Stone Cold! Why are you here?
GB: I'm Goldberg. Do you have a Lite Brite? How much?
CJ: Have you seen Goldberg? I want to interview him.
GB: Uh... I'll tell you where he is if you let me have your Lite Brite. Those things are awesome.

Chris Tian comes out to complain about the lack of wrestling on this show, then gets distracted.

CT: Hey, Chris, your pants kind of look like my shirt.
GB: You mean kinda "girly"?
CT: Oh, hey, Stone Cold. Have you seen Goldberg?
GB: I'm Goldberg. Why?
CT: I want to know how he feels about being booed.
GB: I— uh, he doesn't care. He's just here to do a job.
CT: If he's going to do a job, I know a lot of people he can talk to.

Victoria, Steven Richards, Jamal, Rosie and Rico come out to show Goldberg how to job. Richards gets into the ring to ask "Austin" if he's seen Goldberg, but Goldberg spears him to protect his Lite Brite. Everyone else flees. What a bunch of jobbers. Chris Jericho and Chris Tian stay behind to swap pants, so Chris Tian can be all blue-green for the night.

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The Hurricane v. The Chief

The Hurricane and The Chief are out so The Chief can have a match that he actually wins.

They lock up. The Chief holds his right arm out, slightly bent, and asks Hurricane if he would like to be escorted to a table match. Hurricane tells him he'd look more like a waiter if he put a towel over his forearm and takes off his cape to lend it to the Chief. The Chief throws it back at the Hurricane. Hurricane wraps the cape around his waist and starts grinding. This drives Morley into a rage, because he thinks it's Eric Nies under the mask, and he slams the hell out of Hurricane. Hurricane kicks out and says, "WHATSUPWIDAT?" Morley screams: "I'm on to you, Nies!" Morley is so agitated about what happened on the first season of The Real World that Hurricane sneaks in a victory. The Chief's dreams of victory will have to wait for another week.

Triple Naitch tells Triple H that he's on the cover of RAW Magazine.
TN: You're the greatest in our sport today. The greatest heavyweight champion of all time.
TH: You're the greatest of all time, Naitch.
TN: No, you are.
TH: No, you are.
TN: I like you more as a wrestler.
TH: No, I like you more.
TN: We should stop this.
TH: You stop first.
TN: No, you stop first.
TH: You're worse than Steph.
TN: Fat Boy! Whoooo!
TH: We're going against Kane and RVD for the tag titles.
TN: Where are we partying tonight, Arn?
TH: Who?

A Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth ad airs, where Brock Lesnar tells you that the letter of the day is F and the special number is 5. Then he learns how to pronounce the word smackdown. "Buy this game, Smack . . . . . . Down. Smack . . . Down. Smack ... down. Smack...down. Smack-down. Smackdown. The game is called 'Smackdown.' "

Ted "Theodore" Long comes out with Rodney Mack for the Five-Minute White-Boy Challenge, where Rodney Mack and a white opponent du jour see who can eat the most hot dogs in that time. Hot dogs: they're delicious. Long says the only white boy who can eat hot dogs is Christopher Walken, and Larry Bird can't eat any hot dogs at all. The White-Boy Challenger has so little pigment, he's best described as opaque.


Rodney Mack v. White-Boy Challenger

Ted "Theodore" Long sits at the announce table. He calls Howler Monkey "whitey." He says that "Johnathan" is Coach's "slave name." His proper African name is "Chet." Coach tries to sell him a leather wallet. The White Boy made the mistake of adding relish, and could only eat 12 hot dogs. Rodney Mack wins.

Jazz comes out (not appearing: Bumblebee); balloons drop from the ceiling. Jazz was the 100,000th person to do a run-in at a RAW arena. She fights back tears as she grabs the mic and tells everyone that she feels very lucky and is looking forward to the 60-minute free supermarket sweep she's won. Ted "Theodore" Long's shopping recommendation: hot dogs. A whole mess of 'em.

Trish Stratus and Tommy Dreamer are watching a monitor backstage.
Trish is visibly upset. Dreamer stabs the monitor with a Singapore Cane. Goldust Sparks has to pull him out when he starts convulsing. Meanwhile, behind them, Chewbacca, two horses and some guys in Beefeater outfits are duct-taping the Lance Storm Action Figure, but they've put the head on backwards.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone telling his wife to meet him at Mons Venus, in Tampa. "Ask for Kari. K-A-R-I. Look at all the crystals on the ceiling."

Bischoff wants to have a match with Trish. He tells her that, if she wins, she gets a title shot. If he wins, he gets to watch her try on hats. Trish agrees.

Test finds Stacy reading Cosmopolitan. She says she'll keep reading it if he won't stop reading Playboy. She says she's discovered that her beau's a no-go. Test asks her if he's still her champion in the bedroom. Stacy tells him that his Little Champion hasn't been putting anyone over lately, least of all her. She tells him she thinks he needs a match with Scott Steiner to get the blood flowing healthifyingly. Cosmo said so.


Triple H and Triple Naitch v. RVD and Kane

Triple H comes out and scowls at a guy wearing a DX shirt and says, "Hey, I don't do appealing stuff anymore." Naitch comes out wearing the upholstery he ripped off a Louis Quinze chair. RVD comes out, pointing to his own face, as if to say to Triple H, "Hey, I washed, too." You know what also cleanses things? Fire. This match needs a little more Kane.

Naitch and Kane to start. Kane lifts Naitch over his head, so the smarks can see that Naitch cannot, in fact, immediately ascend to heaven. Naitch yells, "Space Mountain!" We cut to Shawn Michaels watching the match backstage, dancing in place and talking on the phone to Whyspyr. "No, me and Kev are just friends. I've told you that a million times." Test pokes his head in the door: "That line never works. Trust me." Michaels stares at him: "Why aren't you stuck in a hotel room?"

Chet/Coach wonders, "Could Michaels be talking about a hotel room?"

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During the break, everyone stands stock still as Naitch gets one half of the audience to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat Whooo!," and the other half to come in on the "Merrily Merrily, Merrily Fat Boy!" Triple H has spent over two minutes wrestling, so he tags in Naitch.

Naitch works the anklelock on RVD. He's the new Kurt Angle! Triple H works the leg. He's the new Naitch, who's the new Kurt Angle. Angle isn't on this show. This match needs a lot more Kane. He's a new driver.

The Game breaks up the pin by coming out of a place Chet calls, "Nowhere," but that everyone else calls, "just outside the ring." RVD's leg is so brutally injured that he jumps up and down and rotates a lot.

Pepe "Nash" le Pew comes to the ring with a sledgehammer, and Triple H runs. "Unfortunately, ma chere," Nash says, "you cannot escape me." Kane and RVD beat Naitch. Triple H is holding Naitch down. Howler Monkey and Chet say that RVD and Kane "belied" the odds. They also renoberated the fungwagno. Chet talks about leather handbags.

Triple H runs like— Triple H doesn't even run very well. He's holding "running" down. Wherever he goes, Pepe "Nash" le Pew is right behind. Wow. Triple H hides in a Lincoln Town Car. Pepe "Nash" Le Pew shatters the glass with a sledgehammer. Then Triple H immediately fires up the car and drives away. Somewhere, Goldberg is crying.

Chet: It very mell wight have!
Howler Monkey: Puppies!


Test and Steiner v. Nowinski (w/mask -1 against Roid Freaks) and Rico.

Test is angry with Stacy because she's at ringside reading signs. "I told you not to read!" Stacy tells him that not getting in the ring isn't helping his Little Champion any. Test runs in to do the minimum. Steiner asks Stacy to help him sound out the letters on a sign.

Audience: Ve-lour Sucks! Ve-lour sucks. I guess they hate Rico.

Steiner picks up the pin, and Stacy hugs his "peaks." Test gets in Steiner's face for always being so not-impotent. Also, Test hates the fact that Steiner can mispronounce every word except "about."

I just noticed that Stacy's dress pattern is a magic-eye thing. If you stare long enough, breasts appear.

Steiner tells Boston that "like every American, I put shoes on both feet. Wednesday, five dollars. I can't not tell you that enough. Boots, boots, boots, boots! Holla!"

La Resistance come out carrying crepes, and they bleed their accents across many cultural barriers. One of them — the Frenchier one — almost sounds like Eddie Guerrero for a second. Steiner has lost his chain-mail, rendering him vulnerable to lightweights, so the two of them savagely beat him down with the crepes. They are two-thirds of the way to preferred French fighting odds.

Meanwhile, Bischoff is stretching his pants. He says he likes a gentle breeze.

EB: Airflow, Chief. Air brings things to life. Have you made preparations?
TC: I have all the hat-boxes.
EB: What about the Dudleys?
TC: I don't think they wear hats.
EB: Yeah, but are they going to be here?
TC: No, they're suspended. Without pay.
EB: Excellent.
TC: Yeah. It worked perfectly last time.

Goldberg meets Booker backstage to tell him that he's a big fan of his music.

GB: Really, Busta. I hear you raise a lot of money for children.
BT: I'm Booker T, Steve.
GB: I'm not Austin, I'm Goldberg. If you see Booker, will you tell him that I'm bumping him out of the main-event picture?
BT: That's okay, Steve. You bumped me out of the main-event a couple years ago.
GB: I'm not Stone Cold. I'm Goldberg.
BT: I was in WCW, and I think I know what Goldberg looks like, Steve.
GB: Whatever, good luck on your next album.
BT: Hell yeah, Sucka. I'm going to introduce Chris Tian to my size 12.

Goldberg looks at Booker's crotch.

BT: Hey, that's not what I meant. I meant my shoe. I ain't the Rock.
GB: Okay. Stop stealing his gimmicks, then.

Chet is happy to welcome to the show the entire latrine crew from the laundry ship U.S.S. Walter Mondale. One of the sailors grabs a small woman with blonde hair, dips and kisses her. The woman turns out to be Brian Kendrick. Isn't he a Smackdown diva? Anything can happen on RAW, folks!


Booker T v. Chris Tian

Howler Monkey asks Chet why he was "so distant" the night before. You know what this show needs? A little more muzzle.

Booker hits Chris Tian with his new finisher, the "Wheeeeee!" He grabs Christian by the armpits and tosses him up and down. Chris Tian gurgles and spits up Canadian food all over his girly shirt.

Jamal, Rico and Rosie run in! Goldberg runs in! Jamal, Rico and Rosie stand stock still.

Rico: Stone Cold!
Jamal: They told us you were sick!
Rosie: We can do it!
Goldberg: Wha—?

Goldberg jackhammers everyone. Then he piles them on the Spanish Announce Table, climbs a giant ladder, and does a Gravity Spear on all of them! The Era of Newton has arrived! He's 6.67E-11 x (m³/kg x s²) to 0!


Eric Bischoff v. Trish Stratus

Bischoff beats Trish with the help of Jazz and Vicki. He makes The Chief get the hat-boxes.

EB: Wear the Homburg first. Then the deerstalker.

Then Big Bird, the CEO of the WWE, shows up in a Limo. Her midi file (credit: John Tesh, Yanni and a Coleco-Vision game) plays. The Chief hides the hats under the ring. When Big Bird gets to the ring, Bischoff licks her ear and says, "Te quiero, Mujer."

Big Bird ignores it and asks Bischoff if he can count.

BB: Is 8 bigger than 1?
EB: Yeah.
BB: We want more eights for this show. Fewer ones. Eights are bigger. So you have to have a General Manager Buddy, for safety.

Bischoff's General Manager Buddy is Stone Cold! Will that promote safety? Bischoff says they'll get along great, since he and Goldberg did so well in WCW. Stone Cold says, "What?" Then Stone Cold says all he wants to do is sell alarm clocks, since the Home Pregnancy Test did so well.

SC: They're great. When they go off, they say: "Get up. Wake up. Greet the day. Arise. Forget your slumber. Are you awake? Are you going to get up? Do you have the sleepies? The drowsies? Are you tired? Are you weary? Are you fatigued? Do you need more rest? Are you going to leave the bed? Stand up? It's nice out. I'm your alarm clock. I wake you up. Are you awake? What?"

Bischoff tells Stone Cold there's no money in the budget for alarm clocks. He asks Stone Cold if he wants to make more hats.

EB: It'll be great. They can have "Who's Next?" on them.

KICKWHAMSTUNNER!

Howler Monkey: I'm not wearing pants behind this table.
Chet: Ha-ha! Represent!!!

Next week: The Chief vows to unmask Eric Nies from The Grind. Jazz clears out a whole Safeway's supply of Nathan's and Hebrew National dogs. Goldberg tries to run up his win totals even further by spearing fans as they enter the arena. Steve Austin's reign as General Manager is complicated when he realizes that he cant draft that fullback out of Oklahoma that J.R. keeps talking about. And The Clique's difficult relationship becomes even more strained when the three find out that they all have to raise a baby together.

Tune in next week, when Matt Hocking returns! And many thanks to Matt for letting me goof around at his job. Check out Matt goofing around the Obtuse Angle later in the week!
 

E-MAIL JEB LUND
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Jeb Tennyson Lund is a regular columnist for Citizen Scholar, an online
journal. If you want to read his sadly less wrestling-oriented columns, go
to www.citizenscholar.net.

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