by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net

Goldberg v. Triple H (champ) in a Goldberg wins the Title or Retires Match
You know how this started. Triple H was the champ, and Goldberg wanted the belt. Last month, at SummerSlam, Goldberg eliminated pretty much everyone while Triple H hid inside one of the glass cages of the Elimination Chamber. Goldberg speared through the "bulletproof" glass and was about to obliterate Triple H when Ric Flair passed a sledgehammer through the gaps in the Chamber's chains. Goldberg went for a spear and hit the sledge dead-on. Triple H retained, and then he, Orton and Flair taunted and abused Goldberg.

This last month has seen more and more cheating from Triple H, prompting Stone Cold Steve Austin to announce that the title can change hands by count-out or disqualification.

Now, as I explained in my column, the WWE writers have painted themselves into a corner, sort of. They've made it seem as if Goldberg simply cannot lose. No one thinks for a second that he's going to retire, and many of us know that, in real life, Triple H is chronically injured. And we know how the DQ and count-out stipulations can be used to give Goldberg the win without Triple H fully losing. Everyone gets heat. All logic points to Goldberg winning via some screwy ending. Which brings me to...

My guess: Triple H retains. Yeah, I said it. And there are a lot of ways that it works.

1. If you think about it, Triple H can lose the title due to a count-out or a DQ. But no one said anything about a count-out or DQ for Goldberg (giving Triple H the win) making Goldberg retire. He has to lose, cleanly, to be forced to retire.
2. No one said anything about whether disqualification due to violence against Triple H would mean the belt going to Goldberg. The "Cerebral Assassin" could arrange to have someone attack him so that he gets the DQ victory, and a victory means keeping the belt.
3. This will really get people talking.

Okay, so what's the impact? It might get a few people to stop watching wrestling. But if you look at the Nielsen numbers for the past year or so, it's pretty obvious that there is a hardcore audience that will not turn away no matter what. If Kane and Katie Vick, Kane and Shane's testicles and Bischoff kinda-maybe-sorta trying to rape Linda didn't turn these people away, nothing will. Then, on the other hand, such a colossal screwjob on the fan-base may get tons of people interested in seeing what happens next. It worked before.

And the WWE knows this. So why blow the huge buyrate by having Goldberg win when you can get that buyrate twice? Many people are going to order this pay-per-view, and if the swerve doesn't turn them off this time, they're just as likely to buy the next one when it seems even more likely that Goldberg will win and Triple H will finally get his comeuppance.

And think of all the great stuff that could come out of this. The internet will burst at the e-seams with discussion about the great PPV Screwjob. Triple H could be destroyed by his attacker, allowing him a month to heal. During that time, Evolution and Goldberg could continue the feud while the IC Title becomes the de facto belt for a while, upping its prestige and those who fight for it.

There are so many fantasy booking possibilities that it's almost ludicrous. Let's say Jericho wins the IC title. He then beats the holy hell out of Triple H with a chair during the World Title match and takes over the leadership of Evolution, continuing his feud with Goldberg. The IC Title becomes the new "big belt" for a month or six weeks. When Triple H returns, you have a multi-party feud of Jericho-Goldberg, Triple H-Goldberg and Jericho-Triple H. There are feuds for the IC and World Title and a feud between the IC and World Title holders about which champion is the true champion.

Or it can be done simply. Randy Orton gets overzealous when Triple H looks like he might lose, and he simply kabongs Triple H with a chair in order to guarantee him the win. Naturally, there would have to be some Goldberg-related beatdown of Triple H to keep Triple H off TV while he heals. But there are numerous possibilities. Keep in mind that Nash could return to beat the crap out of Triple H, not caring about the title. You could run a program where he talks about how he hates Triple H and regrets costing Goldberg the title. Then, when Triple H returns, Nash turns on Goldberg, reveals that it was Triple H's plot all along, and joins Evolution as the "enforcer." Or maybe Nash never turns and instead just admits to being mildly stupid. Or the Rock gets involved. Or Foley gets involved. Or anything....

All I mean to say with this is that this match's current set-up is almost too obvious. It feeds the Smark's egos by being booked along real-life lines — bailing out an ailing Triple H and giving us any alternative to him being the champion. It gives the non-internet-reading audience the joy of Goldberg winning and Triple H losing. This match has been constructed in such an across-the-board-satisfying way that you wonder if its really the WWE behind it. After all, their track record of giving in to the fans' desires is almost abysmal.

It seems too perfect. And that makes me think that we get swerved, big time, and that the WWE Brain Trust has a plan to net a huge buyrate now and also months from now.


Shane McMahon v. Kane in a Last Man Standing Match
Kane is giant evil bastard who Tombstoned Shane's mom Linda, Tombstoned Shane, then electrocuted Shane's testicles. Shane doesn't like those things. They hurt. He wants to destroy Kane. Hence, they are having a Last Man Standing Match. Anything goes, and the winner is the person who can beat his opponent to the point that the opponent cannot stand up during a full ten-count.

Conventional wisdom tells us two things. One, Shane is not a full-time wrestler and is only used to take bumps, do great spots and essentially put over the full-time talent. Two, Shane got the better of Kane before the pay-per-view, and usually the person who looks good before the pay-per-view loses at the pay-per-view.

But, with Kane, toss convention out the window. This is a character who has remained interesting despite innumerable terrible storylines and compromises of value, purpose, intent, history and fan goodwill. Kane, who controls fire, continually rises like a phoenix from it. No matter what, the Kane character maintains his vitality and regains his interest with the fans.

My Guess: Shane wins. Shane hardly ever wins his pay-per-view matches, and it's time that he does... if only to keep the armchair bookers and bookies honest. Also, Kane is impervious to bad stories and bad matches. He's had so many that virtually any mortal man or character would be off TV by now if given the same treatment. Finally, you have your emotional factors:

1. Shane has gone through hell. Trouble for his mom, trouble for his crotch, trouble for his neck. His multiple crotch-shots on Kane were practically his only offense during this feud. Instead of making him look good enough so that losing would be bearable, they made him look vicious enough to qualify for being in the match. Previously, Shane looked very vulnerable, almost ineffectual, save for a lucky reverse that booted Kane into a fiery dumpster.

2. RVD. RVD may have lost to Kane, but I can't imagine that he's done with him. I think that this is another two-part prediction. I think Kane will cost RVD the IC Title and that RVD will cost Kane this match. The fact is that RVD is over enough already and lacks the mic talent to make the IC Title as big as it can be. Also, Kane defeating Shane won't stop Shane from coming back for vengeance. Kane losing sends Shane back to his recurrent storyline oblivion, while RVD's interference gives Kane another month or two of matches.

Basically, the fans want to see Shane get the moral victory. Kane can weather a loss and still be a dangerous psychopathic monster. He's risen from a fiery dumpster, and he can rise from this, too. And interference from RVD will establish a good future feud while possibly giving us the chance to see Stereo Van Terminators from RVD and Shane... something The Rick has been desperately begging for.


Shawn Michaels v. Randy Orton in a Legend Versus Legend-Killer Match for the Privilege of Feeling Better About Yourself If You Win
Randy Orton calls himself a Legend Killer despite the fact that he is a giant Sack of Duh. Shawn Michaels is a legend, and he doesn't like the fact that some vestigially talented glob of muscle and prepackaging thinks he's just as good a wrestler. At some point, these guys came to blows or something. I'm not sure how this feud started, because I hate Randy Orton so much and have trained myself through hypnosis to see a picture of a cute little donkey with a dark-inked bow around its arms whenever I see Orton. You might think this is an extreme thing, that no one could achieve this level of mental self-delusion. And I would have agreed with you at one point. But I can tell you for certain that, whenever Orton comes on my screen, all I see and hear is a semi-cute braying jackass.

Pretty amazing.

My Guess: Orton wins. Even though I hate it, it makes sense. For several reasons.

This is Orton's big test. If he has a great match, his future is wide open. If he doesn't, Michaels flattens him in a rematch, and the Legend Killer is forced to earn his status at a later date. Plus, Orton has Ric Flair watching his back, and Flair's interference is going to be stronger than Maven's. Also, Michaels is sort of a Teflon wrestler: he has so much respect and history that a loss here will not mar his legacy or his viability down the road.

Worse, if Michaels were to win, what then? Where does he go? Does he then defeat Flair? And where does he go after Flair? Against Goldberg or Triple H? What's his purpose?

I really don't see that happening. This is Randy's tryout. And there is no title, only a reputation on the line. If Randy is a poor wrestler, Michaels only needs one rematch to get his heat back. But, if Randy does well while getting a win, this lights a fire under the relatively directionless Michaels character. Michaels can eventually get a win in a rematch, but Randy will always have his own win to validate his Legend Killer status. And, of course, more rematches will mean more involvement from Flair and, hopefully, Maven. Orton and Michaels can be shunted off, in the future, to deal with these men who stand on the periphery. If Maven is too irritating, Flair or Orton may deal with him. If Flair is too irritating, Michaels can trade up to face him.

Either way, I see a victory for the menace that is Randy Orton: The Load, Version 2.


Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler v. Jonathan Coachman and Al Snow for "Announcing Duties on RAW"
The only way that I'm watching this match and not going to the bathroom, or walking across the street to buy a copy of the paper, or having a chat with the fiancée, or calling old friends on a cell phone is if you put one of those weird lizards that Khan had (in Star Trek II) in my ear and have Ricardo Montalban sit down opposite me and order me to watch the match upon penalty of spending the next six weeks hypnotically assenting to all his demands that I buy him fine Corinthian leather.

Now that's a long sentence. And I never even mention Hervé Villachez in it.

This is what my heart says: Coach and Snow win. I like longshots, and I like RAW getting as mixed-up and unpredictable as it once was. I like the idea of trying Coach and Snow as the announcers for RAW because I welcome a change, and because their doing well (if they do) might force JR and the King to be more focused in the future. Hosses and Puppies might fall by the wayside if the competition shuts up about how much JR and the King suck and instead proves that fact by showing us instead of telling us. Coach could never say a nasty word about JR again; and, if he called a match with greater attention to detail and drama than JR, I would insult JR for him. Coach and Snow need to prove they are better by being better. If they do, then we all have an amazing competetive storyline.

The sad fact is that JR was at his best with Paul Heyman, a man with whom he could argue honestly and generate an honest contentious vibe. (As much as JR might censure Lawler now, you know he likes him, in spite of his idiot comments. It's hard to believe in two buddies disagreeing, especially when they rarely do it anymore.) Worse, whenever JR would wander into Slobberknocker Country, Heyman would call the match, making sure the audience attended to the important tone of the action. And, when Heyman ventured into Meshuggenator Country, JR would call the match, covering for Heyman as well as Heyman covered for him. Now, whenever Lawler idiotically rambles about boobies, JR doesn't counter with something substantive. "Boobies!" as a commentary is okay, supposedly.

If God wills it, Snow and Coach get the gig and devote themselves to being the best announcers ever, abstaining from the desire to become cartoons or distract from the match. Also, God willing, JR and The King wind up on Heat, drawing some ratings due to their presence.

But that, again, is my heart talking. Here's my brain:

My Guess: So far, each pay-per-view has featured some Bischoff v. Austin content. Since Coach has declared himself as "Bischoff's Boy," and Austin has called JR "His Boy," this means that the two co-general managers will intercede on their boy's behalf. Bischoff interferes to give Coach and Snow the edge; Austin hits a few key stunners; JR and Lawler win; and, in the proud tradition of RAW storylines, this one is utterly forgotten for several months... until it becomes convenient to remember it again.

Go to the bathroom during this one. And if it's still on when you come out, go back and wash your hands, you filthy bastard.


Chris Jericho v. RVD v. Christian (IC champ) in a Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental Title
Weeks ago, Jericho complained to Stone Cold Steve Austin that, as the MVP of RAW, he wasn't getting enough exposure. Christian then rightfully complained that, as the IC champ, he wasn't getting enough exposure, especially in regards to not being featured in a match at SummerSlam. Austin decided then and there to satisfy both of their wishes and booked them in a match against each other, for the title. What could have been a dull heel-versus-heel match turned out to be a crowd pleaser, with many false finishes and each man upping the cheating quotient. Christian ultimately won.

Then, this week, Jericho and Christian protested Austin's reign as RAW co-general manager. Austin answered Christian's complaints by giving him a title defense at Unforgiven. And Jericho's complaint that he was still construed as a semi-viable main-event wrestler (and that he hadn't been shunted down the midcard firmly enough) was answered when he was told that he would have to win a number-one contender's match in order to challenge for the IC title at Unforgiven. His opponent was — da, da, dum! — RVD, who no one had mentioned in connection to the IC title for over a year.

Now, that's how you bury Jericho: make him wrestle someone no one was thinking about, for the chance to wrestle his former protegé in a match for a belt that he wasn't pursuing in the first place.

RVD and Jericho put on a decent but unhyped and sort of awkward match, until Christian finally pasted both with the belt. Austin refused to let him get off so easily, so he made the pay-per-view match a Triple Threat match.

I tend to pick winners of WWE matches with a combination of reductionist logic and contrariness. The first thing to think about is, "Which ending causes the fewest problems for the future." The second is, "Which ending closes off the fewest options, thus giving the Giant Braying Ass's Head that is the embodiment of the RAW writers the most leeway?" The third is, "What do you most want to see happen?" By and large, what people really want doesn't happen. And by and large, what happens is what is most expedient for the writing team. Hence....

My Guess: Christian wins, after Kane clobbers RVD. RVD is the only face in the match, and his lack of personality is most suited to chasing a title than trying to keep it and keep his perennially successful defenses interesting. He just doesn't have the mic skills to hold the belt and keep his constantly victorious status interesting. More importantly, his business with Kane is probably not finished. He still probably wants revenge, and a Kane run-in will give him the pretext for seeking it.

(Also, it will give him a pretext for interfering in Kane v. Shane. But my view on this is very chicken-egg. Whichever match comes first will be the match that necessitates vengeance. Ideally, Kane v. Shane comes first, with RVD interfering to cost Kane the victory. Kane then interferes in this match to get revenge for RVD's meddlesomeness. But it could also work the other way round. Either way, I see these guys messing with each other.)

Most importantly, Christian and Jericho can potentially make the IC title contests the must-see element of RAW. They have a history as friends. Both have ample mic skills. Both have ample ring skills. And two months of a feud between them could not only be fantastic entertainment, it could also be the catalyst for Jericho turning face and Christian stepping closer to that main-event level.

RVD is simply such a knee-jerk fan favorite that he muddies the issue. If he wins the belt, the heat regarding the belt will be all about him. Worse, he's too interesting and too good to have him be in constant danger of losing the belt. In a sense, he'd be a division- and heat-killer. His heat would push the belt in the background. Jericho v. Christian, on the other hand, could be entertaining in the extreme, but the underlying premise would be that the visual and verbal fireworks are all about the belt. A great, fun, gripping feud could do a lot to rescue the IC title from its quasi-oblivion, and these are the guys to do it. (Even if a lot of us might like to see RVD win.)

The other option, as I mentioned above, is that Jericho could win and take over RAW as the only male champion on the show, given that Triple H could retain and take time off. But I still see Christian's win as more likely, even if I am a hopeful Jericho fan.


The Dudleys and Spike v. La Resistance and Rob Conway
Hmmmm. La Resistance are evil, French and prone to cheating. They have been tag champions for three months. Each time that it's seemed certain the Dudleys would beat them for the title, they have cheated — or suddenly brought out new buddy Rob Conway, an American who sympathizes with France — to keep the belts. Conway, you may recall, was once disguised as a member of the U.S. Air Force when he beat the Dudleys with a French flag. Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Anyhoo, two weeks ago, in a match featuring Hurricane, Rosey, Rodney Mack, Mark Henry, Spike, D-Von, Bubba Ray, Sylvan Grenier, Renee Dupree, Rob Conway, Boo Radley and a large wisecracking wooden privy, La Resistance bungled a simple toss and nearly broke Spike Dudley's neck. That last act is the only aspect of La Resistance that gets heat from living human beings.

This match will be like all the others: okay, dull. La Resistance haven't the skill to make this a brilliant psychological match, a mat-wrestling clinic or a spotfest. The only exciting bits of this match are going to be a "whaaaaazup drop" the 3-D and maybe some tables action. If you like the Dudleys, this ought to be passable, since they always deliver, even if they haven't much to work with.

My Guess: La Resistance finally lose... and get destroyed in the process. Goodbye, get crushed, get off the goddamned TV. Their run has been a stark sucky, sticky, gummy, what-is-this-weird-thing-
on-the-underside-of-my-chair?-oh-God-I-gotta-wash-my-hands failure.

The only people who La Resistance succeeded in pissing off were raving internet workrate nuts and mouth-breathing jingoistic rah-rah-America morons who store their handguns up their rectums at night for fear that the Jew Government will come to pry them from their cold beer-stained hands while they sleep. Everyone else was sensibly getting up to go to the kitchen and make a sandwich when these milquetoast warriors came on the screen.


Lita and Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly and Gail Kim
Let's put the backstory in bullets:
• Lita broke her neck while filming an episode of the Fox series Dark Angel last year. The series has since been canceled, and Lita's been healing and in rehab.
• Lita showed up on RAW and said that she wanted a job wrestling again. But Bischoff demanded that she sleep with him, and when she didn't, she was forced off TV. One can only hope that this storyline will be revived and feature many 5-to-18-minute-long backstage segments featuring Bischoff in his black nylon Karate Blackbelt and Arrakkis-Issue Fluid get-up, Lita saying the word "Katzenjammer," and a robot pal called SpazMat whose only goal is to learn how to love other people's shoes.
• Molly Holly was on TV, then off TV, then bad, then good, then "the big-ass" girl. Lather, rinse repeat. Then she showed up as sort of a heel.
• Trish Stratus faithfully pursued her goal of constantly becoming a better and better wrestler who is still not entertaining. She also continued her wacky hobby of wearing long cape-like jackets, stupid hats and trying to become part of Hurricane's super-hero team. (Her name, "She-Pimp Canucko.")
• Gail Kim debuted and proceeded to blow more spots than Jeff Hardy in percocet-withdrawal working the Glory Hole in the back room of a honky tonk. Or, she just blew more spots than Jeff Hardy during a match. Pick your poison. She then won the title.
• Molly Holly defeated Gail Kim for the title in a "Please, For the Love of God, Make Gail Stop" match.
• Molly then decided that, as champion, at the apex of the women's division, Trish Stratus was "still in her way." Because challengers are always keeping you from being champion right now, even when you keep beating them in matches.
• Molly also claimed that Trish was in Gail's way, too — despite the fact that Molly being the champion was probably much more in Gail's way and that, as Gail was the former champion with rematch rights, Trish Stratus shouldn't have meant squat to Gail.
• Gail continued blowing spots, only this time with Eric Bischoff, in a cubbyhole.
• Molly and Gail then broke Trish Stratus in half!
• They started to do it again this Monday — perhaps attempting to break Trish in quarters — when Lita intervened and kicked both their booties.
• Now Lita and Trish will try to kick their booties again in a tag match.

My Guess: who cares? It isn't for the title, which is the only tiny canard that enables us to muster even minimal interest in women's matches. No, this one is for pride or something. Good call. While you're fighting for pride, self-respect and justice, make sure to hike up those skin-tight vinyl glitter-pants a bit more because you don't want to show too much of your bright-red lace thong. Too much thong means too little justice! Remember: you're a real person, and you're the real winner here, Jiggles.

Real Guess: It makes no sense for Lita and Trish to win, simply because that closes off too many options. They need to struggle against the heel stable (and, in the women's division, two people constitute a stable) for a while. If that happens, a later win will result in more of an occasion and more of a feeling of celebration. Plus, Lita and Trish winning now means fighting each other far sooner, which would mean some sort of heel turn. Better to have them battle the heels for two months and perhaps try a double turn (Gail getting fed up with Molly; Trish or Lita getting fed up with each other) at a later date. And somewhere in there Victoria can lose to another octogenarian while Ivory waits by a phone that never rings.
 

E-MAIL JEB LUND
BROWSE JEB'S ARCHIVE

Jeb Tennyson Lund is a regular columnist for Citizen Scholar, an online
journal. If you want to read his sadly less wrestling-oriented columns, go
to www.citizenscholar.net.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2009 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.