by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net

I feel so incredibly blasé about this show that, in order to demonstrate the sort of blasé that I feel, I'd have to go into some sort of affected showy patrician blasé — like a snooty maitre'd who won't let Frasier get a table at a terribly important restaurant. My disinterest seems almost cartoonish.

What happened? Although I disagree with some of the matches themselves (Booker v. Henry springs to mind), my disagreement is pretty easy to overcome. WWE could have crafted numerous little segments, stare-downs or bits of drama to make these seem more compelling. Instead, WWE came out of the last pay-per-view with some ambiguities, started up a few feuds, then just let them linger there, ill-supported, unmotivated, almost expecting them to generate interest on the basis of their mere existence.

C'mon, guys! I know these people will fight each other, but it doesn't seem as if they even want to. Michaels, Batista, Booker, Henry, the tag teams... it almost seems as if all of them got into matches and feuds just to placate their bosses. "Uh, they're watching us. We'd better start a fight with someone, or we're gonna get fired."

I mean, at this point, I'm looking forward to the pay-per-view for two reasons that have nothing to do with the show at all. One, I just bought a house, and I've spent all my spare time doing chores, yardwork or hanging out in it. Getting out of the house for fun seems like a break. Two, I might be able to meet up to see the show with someone I know from college. And that's it.

On to the preview.


Goldberg (Champion) v. Kane v. Triple H in a Triple Threat Match for the World Title
Rick will have explained the backstory, so I'll skip it. Suffice it to say that this one is totally up in the air. I really can't think of one person who needs the belt for the future, nor one person whose possession of the belt maximizes potential for future good storylines.

Sure, Goldberg retaining keeps away the tarnish of "transitional champion." Triple H winning adds some sort of gloss for the belt, but not much if he doesn't personally overwhelm Goldberg. As I said in a previous column, his months of holding the belt and the value added to it in those months was largely squandered when he stopped being a monstrous champion and instead seemed like a frail chickenshit when in the ring with Goldberg. And Kane? Winning the belt means that his monster shtick has a nice shiny prop to go with it, but his shtick is essentially unchanged. I realize that this doesn't say much; but, really, having the belt doesn't change Goldberg or Triple H's shtick much either. Everyone in this match will come out of the match with the same defined character traits, and only one will have some sort of bragging right to alter their demeanor.

So pick your poison. Goldberg retains and is still the unstoppable Goldberg. Triple H wins and is still the insufferable Triple H. Or Kane wins and is still bizarre.

My guess: the belt needs more Kane. He wins, for reasons that are all exceptional: not exceptional in the "incredible" sense, but in the "it's an exception" sense.

Namely, we've seen the Triple H show for so long, and it's tiresome at this point. We've not been given enough of a break for it to seem fresh or much of a change. We've also seen the Goldberg show, and it's a one-note affair. Unlike Triple H, Goldberg is all muscle: there is no cleverness, guile or deus-ex-machina about him. (Goldberg will never be able to store a sledgehammer in a small compartment wherever he goes... just in case.) Furthermore, Goldberg is always better chasing something: be it a belt or the person who stands in his way. If he loses, that means that he needs to destroy Kane or Triple H, or (preferably) both. Both men can distract him from his ultimate goal and keep him vital for months to come.

There are other considerations, too:
• One, Goldberg sneered at Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series. These two can have a very compelling crossover match in the future, and the allure of the crossover is enough that belts don't need to be involved. It's exceptional enough that you don't need jewelry adding to the shine.
• Two, the "WWE Makes Kane Different and/or More Interesting" experiment needs a natural conclusion. That means a belt. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But they need to try. Now seems as good a time as any, since there are still many months before WrestleMania and thus many opportunities to cry "do-over!"

To my way of thinking, it seems ideal that Kane manhandle both Goldberg and Triple H, then suffer the two of them ganging up on him. Goldberg and Triple H wear each other down, and Kane comes up with the victory. Let the rematches and recriminations begin. The fact that you can go anywhere storyline-wise with that ending makes it the most attractive of all. Besides, poor Glen has more that paid his dues.


RVD (Champion) v. Randy Orton for the Intercontinental Title, with Special Guest Referee Mick Foley
Rick sees this as the show's most solid match, and that distinction escapes me. He wrote on Tuesday that, "It's the closest thing to a convergence of in-ring potential with personalities and storylines people care about."

And that's the thing. I don't think people care about Randy, and I know that RVD doesn't have a personality. What this match does have, though, is a good degree of uncertainty, along with a parity of "on the card" placement for both wrestlers. Basically, we can see either of these guys winning. But what I see — and what the bookers apparently saw — is two guys who can't muster much drama on their own; thus, Foley has been put in the mix.

When Foley reffed Triple H and Nash's Hell in a Cell match, he didn't need to be a player in it for a couple of reasons. One, there was tension between the players. Two, it was for the big title. Three, it was a gimmick match. And four, the Cell prevented interference.

Here, I see a good deal of interference and shenanigans happening. RVD can't really emotionally tap into the crowd, and Orton can't meet RVD move for move, so Foley and outside nonsense has to take the pressure off, at some point. Otherwise you have a heel who can needle the crowd confronting a face who can't emote; or a human spotfest flipping around a human spot on the carpet. All the potential interference makes this one hard to call.

My guess: RVD scrapes out a win.

In the past, I've bet on Orton because his winning does loads for him and his character. In this case, though, I don't see his winning as having an overall greater value. Randy is billed as the Legend Killer, but a lot of his legend killing has been lucky or questionable. Furthermore, RVD isn't a legend, not in the sense that Randy and his preening would like us to believe.

Given that, it's better for Randy to lose to RVD on Sunday and beat him later. RVD sneaks out the win, overcoming the odds and in the process becoming more of a legend that Randy needs to take down. Moreover, in the following weeks, Randy can deepen his character by learning the tools of the trade: figuring out how best to mentally torture RVD, getting better at cheating, and of course learning new moves or ploys to avoid RVD's offense.

Frankly, if either one of them loses on Sunday, neither loses much in the character or credibility department. RVD will be just as popular, and Randy will be just as much a part of Evolution. However, RVD retaining and fighting against the odds and Randy learning over weeks how to be an even more unforgivable heel offers both of them better chances for improvement and fan involvement. Indeed, given how it's handled on Sunday, this is a feud that could last until WrestleMania.


Shawn Michaels v. "Dave" Batista "Davidson" in a "Winner Gets a Gold Star" Match
There's not a whole lot to discuss about this match, because there really isn't a whole lot to this match. It was thrown together; it feels thrown together; it will probably result in a thrown-together finish.

That said, let's look at the players. Shawn Michaels has a teflon legacy. He can lose for over a year, then overcome the odds for two great wins in a row, then retire, and we'll all remember him as the great HBK. It's that simple.

Batista on the other hand.... Well, look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm sure he was in a pay-per-view match in the past, but I can't remember it. At all. Don't bother emailing me with reminders, because it isn't going to jog a memory that clearly isn't there.

My guess: Batista wins.

If Batista loses, he has no point. The man has no legacy to date, other than working with Brother D-Von, being in Evolution, getting injured, then rejoining Evolution. Why have him as Evolution's muscle if he's just a monstrous empty-headed choke artist?

Foley's involvement in Orton's match can excuse Orton's losing. But Batista has no excuse if he loses. If anything, the lack of a special referee in this match gives him more opportunity to cheat or get assistance and, thus, win. Shawn Michaels will still be Shawn Michaels if he can't best a monster who has powerful friends. But Batista becomes a lame duck if he can't — even with his buddies — beat an older, smaller wrestler who has a bad back.


Booker T v. Mark Henry in a Please, Jesus, Make It Stop Match
Let's be honest, here. You don't care, and I don't care. We want Booker to win, and we want Mark Henry to stop, well, everything that Mark Henry does. Except for the living and breathing parts. Those are okay. The in-the-ring parts, though... they have to go.

My guess: Booker wins.

I can't really substantiate it. I guess I'm using two methods in my decision making. One, Booker got clobbered in the match before the pay-per-view, which is often a helpful rubric. Two, I hate Mark Henry, and I think that the WWE is catching on to this sentiment. Sure, they have to pay him his contract for another five years or so (and, because of that, they feel obligated to push him periodically), but I think even they know that this much is too much.

Plus, Booker is getting old and is developing ever more severe back problems. Burying him now doesn't help his last year or two in the least bit.

Okay, these reasons are flimsy. Can we just agree that Mark Henry shouldn't win?


Tag Team Turmoil Featuring Everybody
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this could be the sleeper match of the pay-per-view. If you think about it, there are easily over seven-hundred people in it. All of them have different moves. All of them can use a signature move to pop a crowd. There can be many shenanigans, many high spots, many false finishes and many little emotional cues.

The easiest thing to do here is pick who shouldn't be a winner. First, The Dudleys. They've won the belts over 56 times, and the belts smell like them even after weeks of Febreezing them and airing them out on a clothesline (the thing you hang clothes on, not the wrestling move). Second, you have La Resistance. No one liked the first run, and no one is going to like the second.

After that, you have to ask who should win the belt. Hurricane and Rosey have a predictable but fun and goofy schtick going on. It gets some chuckles, and it gets some cheers. But I can't see their winning the belts as a galvanizing moment for their characters or storylines. The same problem besets Storm and Val Venis. In their case, they're just beginning to tap into audience reaction and just beginning to be fun.

My guess: Jindrak and Cade.

Think about it. For a couple of weeks now, they've been agitating and whingeing about their competence and their lack of attention. They're a solid team, easily more talented than La Resistance. Their win can be feel-good, inasmuch as they were underdogs and underappreciated. And, most importantly, they can become good heels.

There is a lot of potential for them as champions. First, they manage to eke out a win amidst the madness. Second, they get very possessive and scared about losing. Third, they resort to cheating and any tactic borne of fear to maintain their hold on the belts. If they still think of themselves as good guys while doing this, well, so much the better.

The WWE can play around with these guys as champions. They can be faces for a while. The crowd can love the change. Then they can be tweeners. The crowd can wonder about what comes next. And then they can cross the line into total Triple H- or Christian-esque paranoia and become a hated and hunted tag team. And the crowd can dig the boos, far more than with a simple "Frenchies Suck" vibe.

A new heel team is needed, and these guys fit the bill very well.


Chris Jericho and Chris Tian v. Trish Stratus and Lita in a Battle of the Sexes Match
I don't know what to say about this match, because it's equally capable of being fantastic and exciting or being one of the worst matches on the card. Strictly speaking, we know Christian and Jericho can make quick work of Lita and Trish, so how will the match be structured to make it longer, more exciting and more in doubt? I think the only answer is weirdness and cheating aplenty.

My guess: Lita and Trish win, because Jericho spends the match falling on his sword.

Yeah, I said it. And I think that it should happen. This could be an incredibly memorable match if it goes on longer than anyone expects, because a little more time means a lot more story. In short, Jericho starts out to win, is mortified by the level of violence Christian directs toward the women, then starts cheating to lose behind his partner's back.

Jericho's been cheating for so long that seeing him use all the cheating tactics against his own team would be hilarious. Worse, he's going to have to keep up the pretense of attacking Trish, so you can imagine the turmoil of trying to figure out the exact amount of violence to use against the woman you love.

Basically, I see Jericho not wanting to get in the ring because he fears having to hurt Trish. As such, it would work best for him to keep Christian in the ring, and sabotage him in subtle little ways. I think it can really work.


Enjoy the show! And, if you feel that we oversold you on some matches and that the ultimate product was disappointing, well, you only have one person to blame for your assumptions: Rick. He lives in Dayton and has a bucketload of liability insurance. Go sue Rick.

E-MAIL JEB LUND
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Jeb Tennyson Lund is a regular columnist for Citizen Scholar, an online
journal. If you want to read his sadly less wrestling-oriented columns, go
to www.citizenscholar.net.

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