by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net

This was a transitional year, but also a regressive one. For every tentative foot forward, the other foot sank deeper into a mire of overbooking, tired stories, predictability, prematurely killed pushes, force-fed pushes and the McMahon-a-thon. It was this last that was the worst, taking an overworked storyline and overused deus-ex-machina family, and cranking up them to the sort of fever pitch you could only see on a very special Full House where everyone took way too much ecstasy and PCP and then got locked in a room with only one light source and a rabid badger.

Poor example: that one verges on being fun.

For every moment in which the WWE was incredibly entertaining, there were two in which it either made you cringe in embarrassment or curse your devotion to a story or a wrestler. When the WWE did none of those things, it was merely forgettable — a lesser sin but a sin nonetheless.

In fact, being forgettable was its defining characteristic this year. Case in point: I remember little of what happened. I myself can't decide if that came about because I consciously blocked out shows that I saw, or if the shows themselves made so little impact on me that there was nothing substantial enough for my memory to grab a hold of. I can think of about five TV matches I wish I'd taped, as well as about ten segments. Then there are three shows I want on DVD. The rest you can throw to the gutless scavenger animal of your choice, to be eaten and later expelled as rich organic fertilizer.

I could write an enormous essay as to how watching the WWE this year was like being kidney punched by a toddler and then not being able to do anything about it because his mom was in the room. But I don't have time, and if you agree with me, there's no point. If you don't, there's even less. This year-in-review nonsense is going to take too much time anyway.

Here comes the pain.


THE VERY BEST OF 2003

BEST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Kurt Angle
The wrestler who not only performed at the highest levels both in the ring and behind the microphone, but did so in important, marquee matches for his/her company.
1st Runner-Up: Chris Jericho
2nd Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero

Comments:
1. Okay, there is a school of thought that says that the wrestler who was on television most often and who also made the greatest impact should win this award. To that school of thought I say, go screw. The fact is that someone who spends a healthy chunk of the year on television, or even a part of it, can have the greatest impact overall. And the fact remains that, even when Kurt Angle was off TV, what he had wrought was still on it.

Simply put, Kurt Angle made Brock Lesnar. Without Kurt, there is no Brock that we see today. The parity between them as amateur wrestlers and big chunks of muscle gave their feud a brilliant sheen of talent and legitimacy. Moreover, Kurt's talent on the mic sold that feud. Without a doubt, Brock and Benoit could have had matches that were just as technically brilliant, but Benoit would never have made those matches as appealing, due to his lack of substantial mic skills and his lack of a legacy as an established champion. And Brock lacked those, too, until he started earning the former and Angle granted him the latter.

Thus, without Kurt, there is no Brock. Not the way we know him. There is less of a seething personality, there is a thinner record in terms of great matches, there are much fewer great verbal exchanges etc. It was Kurt who legitimized Brock's win at WrestleMania. It was Kurt who then made an excellent foil for Big Show and kept Big Show in the mix with Brock and him. It was Kurt who could hold his own against McMahon. It was Kurt who helped the audience ignore how turgid and incomprehensively dull Brock was on the mic. And, yes, Vince McMahon helped Brock along. But he never saved the feud or stories, because Angle's presence meant he didn't have to.

When one person is so wholly responsible for the establishment of another star, the continued vitality of the main event for a whole show and also many excellent matches, his merit cannot be ignored. That Smackdown was as entertaining without Angle is due to his work before his absences. Compare him to his counterpart on Raw, the living dead that is Triple H, and you can see how critical and beneficial his impact was.

2. Jericho. At this point, Jericho is like a pinch hitter who bats a thousand yet is never allowed in the starting line-up except for a few token games. Except for his pay-per-view matches with Michaels and Goldberg (and his inclusion in the Elimination Chamber), he has been mired in and bumped around the midcard. And the thing is that he does it so well that it makes him irreplaceable. Take him out of the midcard, and the midcard loses its most solid performer and its best talker. I sometimes suspect that if he sucked in the ring more, he'd get bumped to the main event like Triple H. Or, if he sucked on the mic a lot more, we wouldn't need RVD.

Nine times out of ten, when you turned on Raw at ten o'clock, you saw a match Jericho was in. He anchored the second hour of the show and kept the excitement going. Additionally, he often began the show or kept the first hour going with a High-Light Reel segment. Whenever a Raw show had a tepid main event or overall tepid storylines, Jericho would be on the show three, four, five or six times to fill in the entertainment gaps.

Add to all that his ring work, his feuds with Michaels, Nash, Austin and Goldberg, his teaming with Christian and his love story with Trish, and his influence and importance are unmistakable.

3. Eddie Guerrero is the most entertaining person on Smackdown. If you can't see that, I can't help you. He is astonishingly gifted in the ring, and he possesses an incredible ability to further storylines with ring work. More than anyone else on his show, Eddie can embody whatever soap opera he's involved in, in actual moves, cheating, gestures, looks, what have you. When something is said about him in a backstage promo — or when he says something himself — it is marvelously translated into actions in the ring. That's special. And that's what wrestling is at its best. The only reason I rank Eddie third is because he did not create the main event for his show, like Angle, and he did not as frequently completely rescue his show, like Jericho.


BEST TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR: The World's Greatest Tag Team
The tag team that not only performed at the highest levels both in the ring and behind the mic, but did so in important, marquee matches for their company.
1st Runner-Up: Los Guerreros
2nd Runner-Up: The Dudley Boyz

Comments:
1. I didn't like Shelton Benjamin or Charlie Haas when they showed up. Based on how epically boring Randy Orton, Batista, no-talky Brock Lesnar and the babyface John Cena were, I figured they were a doomed experiment in basic movesets, poor personalities and jarring incompatibility. How pleasantly wrong I was.

Granted, neither has grown much of a personality this past year, but Good God, they have excellent ringwork. Barring a few little injuries and time off, they were doing great stuff in the ring all year, with a focused and determined agenda. Their presence really galvanized the Smackdown tag picture.

2. Eddie and Chavo would have had this award handily, if it weren't for two things. One, the team suffered prolonged stints on the disabled list. Two, so much time was spent teasing a breakup and muddying their goals that oftentimes they seemed like singles stars paired together for only a little while. Even though they were easily the equal of TWGTT in terms of technical aptitude — and far superior in terms of charisma, good times, drama and emotional psychology — they suffered a kind of hazy sense of direction. With Los Guerreros, you were never sure when the other shoe would drop. With TWGTT, you knew you were going to get a great match even if it came without story frills.

3. I toss the Dudleys on here for two reasons. One, they anchored the tag team picture on Raw for virtually the entire year. Sure, they weren't as amusing as Chris Jericho and Christian; there wasn't as much drama as RVD and Kane; but, still, they can really pop a crowd, and they often proved that there was a tag-team division when lots of cobbled-together teams made it seem as if it were some kind of booking wasteland.


BEST FEMALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: Victoria
The woman who, week in and week out, performed at the highest level in the capacity asked of her. 
1st Runner-Up: Trish Stratus
2nd Runner-Up: Molly Holly

Comments:
1. Victoria could easily have been the WWE's next "sort of pretty diva." Hell, some people think Dawn Marie is attractive — even if she has the face of a prostitute long addicted to speed, who's been on the wrong side of a handful of pimpslaps. So you can imagine that Victoria might have been saddled with another permutation of "tits and hair in vinyl."

Instead, she was a maniac. She had great entrance music, a great entrance video, and she managed to add depth to mania and prove an excellent foil to all other women wrestlers. And, lest we forget, she's a damn good wrestler, too.

2. Sure, Trish Stratus improved again this year, and she did a creditable job. But she's basically a bland good girl, blonde, capable, pretty and not much else. Trish flirts, at best, with being a two-dimensional character: she's the female Hogan, perennially in contention or the champion, liked, pretty good... but never with any plausible and fully realized reason why she is so. Victoria, on the other hand, is compellingly nuts. Her presence lends a complexity to the women's division that wasn't there before her ascendancy.

3. As said above, Trish again improved this year, which is good. She also commendably carried a lot of the weight of this division. In that respect, she trumps Molly Holly, who is a better wrestler but who arrived regularly on TV somewhat later in the year. If Molly maintains her level of technical excellence, stays healthy and deepens her character, she's a shoo-in for this award next year. She's the best female wrestler on the roster, but she's not yet the best female character.


BEST FEUD OF THE YEAR: Kurt Angle v. Brock Lesnar
The rivalry that produced the best storylines, matches, angles, and/or promos of the year.
1st Runner-Up: Chris Jericho v. Shawn Michaels
2nd Runner-Up: Bischoff v. Austin

Comments:
1. The joy of writing a year-in-review piece after so many others do is that one can lean on comments previously made. In the case of Brock v. Angle, Rick covered the pluses very ably. These men put on excellent matches; Angle cut great promos; both men switched from bad to good, and vice versa; both men have excellent legitimate wrestling credentials; and the feud was teased, heightened, intensified and explosive for over a year. What more can you say about it?

2. Jericho v. Michaels was similarly excellent, but suffered a few shortcomings that Brock v. Angle did not. For one, there were fewer confrontations between the two men, meaning that the feud lay dormant over longer periods. Also, neither man held the belt during this last year, which meant that the tension between them was never quite the marquee dispute that Angle v. Brock was. Finally, even though the drama of Jericho taking on his idol added a great deal of legitimacy, it never quite achieved the real-world implications that an Olympic Wrestling Champion versus an NCAA Wrestling Champion naturally has.

3. Finally, as others have noted, Bischoff v. Austin added depth to some hastily conceived feuds, provided excellent filler for less fleshed-out shows and benefited from two men who can do commanding mic work. Granted, their confrontations resulted in some conceptual abortions — anything with Mae Young or JR comes to mind — but on the whole it was a long-standing and entertaining conflict.


BEST MATCH OF THE YEAR: Benoit v. Angle at The Royal Rumble
The match that best combined great ringwork and psychology/storytelling to get fans off their seats and cheering.
1st Runner-Up: Jericho v. Michaels at WrestleMania
2nd Runner-Up: Triple H v. Ric Flair on RAW in South Carolina

Comments:
Someone else has already told you why the first two were awesome, so forgive me if I just save my breath. The gist of it is that the first was a spectacle of absolutely brilliant wrestling: if you didn't think it was excellent, you're watching the wrong sport, Schecky. The second was also technically excellent, but also had a back story that added to the aura of permanence and pageantry surrounding WrestleMania. It was a match between two generations (sort of), for all generations. Good stuff.

I've added the Flair-Triple H match for one reason only: for a little while there, I actually dared to believe that Flair could win. Was it a great workrate spectacle? No. In fact, it was one of Triple H's few excellent matches this year for two simple reasons:
1. Flair can still carry a broomstick to at least a three-star match.
2. Flair is so old and battered that he's the only wrestler who doesn't make Triple H look like some kind of crippled rodent just by stepping in the ring with him.

In fact, there was such perfect parity of "guys who can barely move around the ring anymore" that story took precedence over ability. If you think about it, that match was nothing but a bunch of chops, armbars and leg locks, except for some screwiness at the end. But, hey, it worked. Flair made it work, and Triple H worked with it. The preceding two hours of Raw made it work, too.

After Shawn Michaels questioned Flair about his being a lackey and a joke to Orton and Triple H, Flair became very emotional and introspective. He stood, restraining his emotions, but with obvious tears welling up. And I teared up, too. Later, during the match, I stood up and started shouting things like "OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE KICK OUT!!!" That match got me more emotionally involved than most matches this year, and certainly more than any other TV match this year.

The only TV match that came close was Jericho and Michaels' rematch, when Jericho had Michaels in The Walls, and I started yelling, "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SELL ONE OF HIS FINISHERS FOR ONCE!" Thankfully, HBK did, after being in The Walls for about two minutes... and after getting kabonged from interference or a chair or something. That's right: WWE makes Jericho look credible. I'm still bitter about his title reign.


MOST FAVORITE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: Chris Jericho
A purely subjective choice; the performer who, regardless of objective talent, entertained this voter the most.
1st Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero
2nd Runner-Up: Steve Austin

Comments:
I don't know why I should have to explain these: they're my favorites. I might as well try to explain why I hate bananas. I can't. I just hate them because they taste and smell like bananas.

I think Jericho is an excellent worker, an excellent interviewee, and I like his ring style and sense of humor. He was on TV more than my other favorites, and did the most to make me enjoy WWE shows. Eddie comes in second because, even though I think he's got great mic skills, his "Cheech and Chong Combine with the Worst White Snob's Image of Mexicans to Morph into One Giant Ugly Stereotyped Entity" persona grates on me after a while. Beyond that, I love his ring work, and the inventiveness and humor of the cheating match endings had me glued to my seat all year.

I like Austin. I think he's funny. I like how he can be a deus-ex-machina character. I miss him talking to his watch. That watch had a lot of good ideas. I wish they hadn't brought him back so soon after Survivor Series, though. Kinda makes the match between Bischoff's team and his a little irrelevant. But this is the WWE, and 45 whole days have passed. They must assume that our attention spans are so limited that, without help, we'll forget what wrestling actually is, in 45 days' time.


THE OTHER BEST OF 2003

BEST TECHNICAL WRESTLER: Chris Benoit
The grappler who displayed the widest variety of wrestling holds and maneuvers and who executed them realistically and crisply.
1st Runner-Up: Kurt Angle
2nd Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero

Comments:
1. Well, duh.

2. Although Brock has just as impressive a wrestling background as Angle, he remains pretty much a brawler outside his matches with Angle. Angle, on the other hand, pulled off a technically brilliant and entertaining "Do I Get a Job?" match with Spanky. How does he always seem to do this?

3. I also picked Eddie over someone like Brock for the simple reason that Eddie always brings a little technical skill to any match. Why? Because even if it's a spotfest, a garbage match, a bunch of cheating, or just a brawl, the technical moments serve as an excellent counterpoint to the other aspects, and they essentially underpin the whole match. Eddie tosses out that technical stuff to give some legitimacy to what might otherwise just turn into a bunch of lying, cheating and stealing.

Brock could easily win this award next year if he'd just realize that adding a few more technical moves won't make the match "weaker." Whatever. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm tired of this.


BEST HIGH FLYER: Rey Mysterio
The wrestler who displayed the most jaw-dropping array of cleanly-executed and creative high risk maneuvers.
1st Runner-Up: Tajiri
2nd Runner-Up: Jamie Noble

Comments:
1. Rey takes this one easily, since he had the most TV exposure of any cruiserweight, and he's just that damned good. I wish I watched more of NWA: TNA (read: more than their one-cent best-of show), because I know that my unfamiliarity with their product is keeping at least one name off this list. I think Rick or Bulldog or Matt mentioned some TNA wrestlers. Go check out their reviews. Oh, yeah, as I was saying, Rey is incredible.

2. Tajiri may not go for those top ropes as much as others, but his wacky flippy-floppy style was on my TV a lot, and it provoked much in the way of open-jawed transfixed mouth breathing. Tajiri is solid, crisp and consistently entertaining. Plus I have to credit him with adding drama and intensity to his matches, with moves alone, since he never says anything in English. That's exceptional work.

3. I have to hand the third spot to Jamie Noble. For one, I think that virtually every other cruiser in the WWE could have all their matches for the year strung together and not have them amount to two hours of ring action. That's the WWE's fault, and it's a shame. But don't let my grousing undercut the work that Noble did this year. He took an embarrassingly crass and stupid gimmick and made it entertaining. His work with Nidia backstage was included in — and added to — the flow and content of his matches. Finally, he's fun to watch. What more could you want?

A couple other names might have made it onto this list, were it not for some unfortunate conditions:
• Spike Dudley: spends most of his time playing Medicine Ball for dim-witted hulks of non-overness.
• Nunzio: mostly fun to watch in the ring; mostly retarded elsewhere.
• Akio (née Jimmy Yang): on TV for maybe 12 minutes this year.
• Hurricane: too much brawling, not enough flying, mainly due to the comical nature of his comic-book character.
• Spanky and Paul London: great in the ring; but blink, and you've missed them.
• Other cruiserweights: there are other cruiserweights? Are they shown on television? Is their show broadcast at 1:30 a.m. every Tuesday and mislabeled as yet another rerun of Degrassi Junior High?


BEST BRAWLER/POWER WRESTLER: Brock Lesnar
The wrestler who most effectively took a basic punch/kick/slam moveset and still crafted exciting, high-impact matches.
1st Runner-Up: Kane
2nd Runner-Up: The Undertaker

Comments:
1. Just because I find Brock mostly boring and horribly overpushed doesn't mean that he's not a good brawler. In fact, it may be precisely because he is a good brawler. Incredible strength, varied and unique moves, surprising speed and a convincing ability to look like a coked-up mongoloid (but in the good coked-up mongoloid kind of way, not the "coked-up 1980s mongoloid Road Warrior Animal" kind of way) all make him the best of this class of wrestler.

2. Brock may be the best brawler, but he is not the best big man in the business. I say this because Brock has much more potential for technical excellence than any other big man, and leaving that potential untapped makes him less of the wrestler than he can be. Kane, on the other hand, is the best big man in the business, because he does all he can do, does it well and makes it look good. Let's face it, there's not much more he can learn now, so he's using all of his potential when he goes out there.

Except for a near total incapacity to sell the Walls of Jericho, Kane works well with most wrestlers, is pretty adaptable and seems game to try anything. Moreover, he has one of the best offenses in the business: not because it's so flashy, but because it looks so real. Think about it, Kane's punches look like he's punching the fuck out of someone. Yet you never hear of anyone getting injured at Kane's hands. Compare that to RVD, who's kicks look like shit half the time, but who still manages to split lips, break noses and concuss people with them on a near monthly basis.

Kane's offense looks great; he's a big evil bastard, and he entertains me. For more on how much I like Kane, see How Good Is Your Cardio? Or, 'Cut Kane Some Slack'.

3. Speaking of Big Evil, Undertaker may have chosen yet another moronic nickname and appallingly publicly unwearable t-shirt, but the guy still does good things in the ring. From busting out the occasional suicide dive over the top rope, to making Cena look good for going the distance with him, Undertaker brings the meat and potatoes of big-man wrestling: big punches, big tosses, big slams, a tease of some unexpected high spots, and the basic legitimacy that other wrestlers accrue from going toe-to-toe with some huge dude.


INTERLUDE
Is reading this getting as dreadfully tedious as writing it? Is there no end, O Lord? I have twenty-some-odd of these things to go, and I've already used half of my storehouse of clichés. I'm running out! Frankly, I don't know how the trained monkeys get through their commentary for ESPN's Sunday Night Football without recycling the clichés more than three times.

Speaking of which, Theismann and the two pasty white gnomes who accompany him have been stark failures for about a decade now. What is ESPN doing?—giving them another ten years to make sure the experiment didn't work out? These guys ran out of their A-game stuff so long ago that even Grady Fucking Little would have pulled the plug on them five years ago.

They're unoriginal, uninspired, uninspiring, not at all insightful: yet their almost comprehensive lack of competence doesn't prohibit them from making the same sort of chummy insipid banter that you get from the Fox Pregame Show. ("Guys, let's take time out from not offering anything to the game itself by desecrating humor through a quick exchange of comments about Joe's waistline!") The only problem is that the Fox guys can get away with it, because JB can call a game; Howie Long is sharp; Terry Bradshaw's brain contains more than a chipmunk turning a crank while a Scott Joplin rag plays; and since he stopped coaching, Jimmy Johnson's mind has stopped receiving commands directly from his PermaHair, thus allowing him to think on camera.

Worst of all, Joe Theismann actually claimed during last Sunday's game that he can still throw a ball over sixty yards, and that the Ravens' QB — twenty years his junior — might manage sixty-five. Sure, Joe. I bet you bring your wife to orgasm every single time, too. Though why should I bet when I'm sure you'll let me know in sickening detail during some game next season, while a fake punt leads to a double reverse and the punter sprinting 72 yards for a fourth-quarter touchdown? Moron.


BEST INTERVIEWS: Chris Jericho
The performer who could be relied upon to most effectively advance storylines and enthrall the audience with his/her promos.
1st Runner-Up: The Rock
2nd Runner-Up: Steve Austin

Comments:
1. Chris Jericho is good all the time. Sometimes he seems bad, and you hate him for it. But his bad is good. Then he seems good, and his good is good. But when you start to like and think his good is good, he goes back to being bad, and he's so good at bad that it's good. It's all good.

2. Rock has a good movie career, which is good. But we might have thought his good movies were bad for wrestling itself, which means that good for "movie good" equals bad for "wrestling good." So he stopped being good in wrestling to be bad in wrestling and good in movies, which was good, and tapped into our bad feelings and made us feel good about his being bad. He was so good at bad that it was doubleplusgood, and that's gooder than you could want.

3. I like Austin. I really do. I'm sincere. I'm earnest; I'm honest; I'm not kidding. What? I said, what? His work, I think it's good, it's a plus, a benefit, a boon, a windfall, a treasure trove. I said, a treasure trove. You like it, ya chuckle, ya laugh, ya smile, maybe ya guffaw. You are amused. You're delighted. You enjoy it. I said, you enjoy it. My watch says that this is getting more tedious. I said tedious. Trying. Wearing. Wearying. Wearisome. It's dull. You want it to end. You're bored. You want to read fast, to skim, to screen, to scan the page. I said, scan the page. Get this damn thing done. Look for names, for big names. This isn't fun. It's dull. I said, it's dull. Let's just look at my watch and feel us all growing old. God, I've wasted my life.


BEST HEEL: Chris Jericho
The wrestler who, by virtue of promos or ringwork, most easily turned entire crowds vociferously against him/her.
1st Runner-Up: The Rock
2nd Runner-Up: Brock Lesnar

Comments:
Read the above award's comments. It pertains to all on this list...

...except for Lesnar, who is an implausibly large mutant who contrived to beat up people you like. A lot. Jericho was there all year, being a bad guy and doing it well. The Rock was there once in a blue moon, but he showed up and delivered admirably. You're left with Lesnar, who beat up a lot of people and was mean about it. When he faced Angle, I remember this promo, "Kurt Angle, when you and me meet in the ring you and me will meet in, I will beat you, Kurt Angle. And then you, Kurt Angle, will be beaten, Kurt Angle... defeated, made to not win, not winned will you be. You, not-winner, Kurt Angle, will have Kurt Angle-y lost, in losing loser lost Kurt-Kurt-Angled fashion kurt-lost Angle... TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! BROCK THE BROCKING BROCKBROCK — DID I MENTION BROCK???? — LESNAR, TO WHO YOUM, KURT ANGLE, WHO WILL HAVE LOST!!!"

That was a good promo. Each week. Sometimes twice during a show.


BEST BABYFACE: Shawn Michaels
The wrestler who, by virtue of promos or ringwork, most easily convinced entire crowds to get vocally behind him/her.
1st Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero
2nd Runner-Up: RVD

Comments:
1. Michaels was the only main-event babyface for the Raw brand all year. Sure, Goldberg was there, and he popped the crowd a bunch. But not with as much frequency, drama and as full a sense of character as Shawn Michaels. Plus, Michaels was versatile, squaring off against more enemies over longer periods of time than Goldberg.

2. Ordinarily, I'd say that Smackdown's main-event picture would furnish an equally great babyface for the year. But with Angle being alternately good, bad and injured, he never claimed the spotlight for long enough to merit consideration. Brock was good and evil. Undertaker was sort of bland and often not there. The only man who merits recognition from the Smackdown brand is Eddie Guerrero.

He cheated, he was a heel, and people loved him anyway. When the WWE tried to make him vicious and unlikable, it didn't work. People love to cheer for Eddie, and he gives us a lot of great facial expressions, gestures, wackiness, excellent ring work and fun props to react to. When the fans won't let someone be a bad guy, that says a lot.

3. I include RVD not because I like or even respect him but because most fans seem to have a Pavlovian Cheer Response to him. I'm guessing it's because cheering RVD is easy, and watching his matches is even easier. All of them look the same. You needn't ever bother worrying about what's going to happen in an RVD match: thinking is for some other time! Everything you expect to see, you will see! Yaaaayyyy!

Here are some other reasons why I think people like RVD:
• His moves bear no relation to the match circumstances in which they are used. Hence, they're easy to enjoy. Did RVD just get hit in the back with a steel chair? No problem. Now he's going to flip onto someone, on his back! See, everything's fine!
• He injures other wrestlers. It's nice to see those mouthy bad guys finally get a taste of real comeuppance! Yeah, take that. It's a lot harder for you to look down your nose at RVD after he heel kicks you on the bridge of it, breaking it, flooding your eyes with tears and (if you happen to flip or hang upside down) your own blood! That's justice, baby!
• Many of his kicks and punches don't even make contact with the opponent. What a relief! I know I can enjoy a match more when I can rest easy, secure in the belief that RVD won't be injuring his hands or feet out of some silly devotion to, say, properly doing his job. I bet his hands are fragile, silkened and smell faintly of Jergens.
• The only move he knows how to sell is his own finisher. Willickers, folks, who can take delight in a match when you're wondering, "Is he selling a leg injury, or is he really hurt?" RVD takes a load off of your shoulders and mine when he gets out of a Sharpshooter that's been locked in for two minutes and immediately jumps to the top rope. Once he gets to that top rope, though, hooo boy! Here comes the Five-Star Frogsplash! And bless that man for selling it like crazy, because that's how we know how powerful it really is. I don't think I'd know that at all without all the extra work he does to tell me so.

Honestly, lots of people cheered RVD this year, all year. Granted, Goldberg got huge pops on a handful of occasions, but RVD got respectable-to-great pops year round. And he did it all while being a senseless flippy-flollopy ring butcher with the emotive range of a tenderloin. Impressive.


BEST CHARACTER/GIMMICK: Rappin' John Cena
The unique on-screen persona that most aided a performer's ability to connect with the audience through storylines or ringwork.
1st Runner-Up: Coach: The Evil Pissant
2nd Runner-Up: The Rock as Hollywood Star

Comments:
1. The surly old man in me says that we're bestowing so much praise on Cena's gimmick because we all secretly liked it even when it kind of sucked. Somehow, I think he was a guilty pleasure (even when he was pretty bad), one that we've scraped to find reasonable excuses for liking.

But that's unfair to Cena, who has taken a potentially fatal gimmick and turned it into an entertaining character with almost limitless potential. I really and truly hated Cena when he started as a babyface and when he started the rapping nonsense. Now he frequently comes close to being the highlight of the show.

2. I always hated Coach. Now they've given me a reason to. That's making the most of what you've got. Now if they could only go back in time and erase his commentaries/segues from the Best of Raw DVDs and other videos, I'd be even happier.

On a more serious note, I think his character has a lot of potential for future storylines. For the present, Coach as a dastardly bastard does a lot to excuse his flubs and miscues as a commentator and gives him something to talk about to kill time.

3. If you didn't respect what the Rock tried to do as a heel, if you didn't get a few good chuckles out of him, then you deserve to have a hulking stutterer named Bruno come to your house and repeatedly read the lists of begats from the book of Genesis at you.


MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER: Shawn Michaels
The wrestler who showed the most marked improvement in all facets of his/her performance over the last 12 months.
1st Runner-Up: Trish Stratus
2nd Runner-Up: Big Show

Comments:
1. It may seem odd to say it, but Michaels' return to his old 1996 form was probably the most marked improvement of the year. One year ago, he was putting on good pay-per-view matches and taking part in infrequent, pretty tame and low-impact TV matches. Now he's putting on simply outstanding pay-per-view matches and following them up with consistently good, if not great, work on TV. And he's doing that work weekly.

The bottom line is that I never expected Michaels to return to form; surely many others shared my expectations, or lack thereof. What's more, Michaels could have maintained his connection with the fans and his respect within the business even without returning to full form and a full schedule. Yet he did it anyway. The Shawn Michaels I saw a year ago was a good wrestler and a great legend. Now he's great at both of them, and his improvement helps out WWE TV more than any other wrestler's.

2. Until she stops learning and working hard, we might want to consider renaming this the Trish Stratus Award for Dedication, Education and Application. And to be honest, I never would have thought that three years ago.

I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered with WWE women for the most part. I like wrestlers, regardless of gender. But I'm not one of the people who finds himself physically stimulated by the divas. For one thing, there are hundreds of more attractive women on scores of other networks, and not one of them is going to screw up a bulldog or a suplex. For another, finding pornography is ridiculously easy. Finally, nothing replaces women you meet in real life, with whom you have an outside chance of, you know, actually having sex. So the Divas are a wasted commodity for me: something that would have been appealing in seventh grade, but now just stinks of the inane vulgarity of being, well, in seventh grade.

Given that, I was underwhelmed when Trish showed up in the WWE. She was pretty, nothing spectacular or irreplaceable. And she was passable in the ring. But Trish did something remarkable. It was as if she said to us all, "You may not respect me today, tomorrow, next week or next month. I'm not going to become your favorite with one instant gimmick. I'm not going to change myself in a flash and make you like me. But one day you're going to be watching one of my matches, and you'll realize that you would have to lie to yourself to say you didn't respect, esteem or enjoy what I'm doing in the ring. That's my goal; and, if you say it's impossible, one day you're going to choke on that."

I don't think I can pay Trish a better compliment than that I think of her now as a wrestler first, and that "WWE Hot Chick" is an inappropriate label that she sometimes still gets stuck with. I think she's a far better worker than at least a dozen men on the roster, and if Randy Orton were half as talented as she, then he'd be one-quarter as good as he says he is.

Thank you, Trish. But please... take off that silly-ass hat.

3. Big Show's improvement has been two-fold: he's adjusted his moves to further the psychology and impact of a big man; and he's finally been booked properly. I've always had a peculiar fondness for Show, something that was hard to justify for a few years. But the good booking this year, along with more thoughtful pacing and planning to his matches have made that fondness substantial. Although I was never blown away by the basic moves in Show's matches, I found them enjoyable on the whole. Here's to more of the same.


MOST UNDERRATED WRESTLER: Val Venis
The wrestler who most deserves additional air-time, national exposure, and/or respect from fans.
1st Runner-Up: Spanky
2nd Runner-Up: Chris Benoit

Comments:
1. Val has always had a good look, decent moves and a pretty good rapport with the audience and fellow wrestlers. This year he got another good gimmick, that of Chief Morley. However, the WWE Brain Trust, in their infinite shortsightedness, decided that having him want to remain as Chief Morley, want to keep his job, want vengeance, want to maintain an interesting character or want to do anything with a purpose behind it would unnecessarily add an interesting storyline to the show. Thus, the next time you saw him on Raw, after he was fired as The Chief, you heard a nice, "Hello, Ladies," and he had magically morphed into something he adamantly refused to be while at Bischoff's side. What a lovely idea. Let's ignore and destroy months of character building and resurrect a tired gimmick. At this point, I wonder why the WWE writers refuse to write themselves onto TV for a one-night opportunity to stab Val to death on the air.

2. Spanky kept having these tryout matches. They were incredible. Everything I saw the guy do was riveting, exciting, good wrestling. Then I guess he got his contract with the WWE. And then, because I have things to do and thus never watch Velocity, I never heard from him again. Why do I sense that he's the American Funaki? Six years from now — many two-minute opening matches and one half-hearted one-dimensional push later — he'll be interviewing the tag team of Triple H and Steph's child, along with Randy Orton's bastard child (team name, Steffle-Horton; combined age: 10 years) on their way to the ring to squash John Cena and Shelton Benjamin in a cubbies and crayons match.

3. Included because it's perennial, inevitable, disgusting and true.


BEST SECOND: Ric Flair
The non-wrestler (manager/valet/etc.) who most effectively added something extra to the storylines and matches of the wrestler(s) whom he/she accompanied to the ring. 
1st Runner-Up: Nidia
2nd Runner-Up: Teddy Long

Comments:
1. Having Ric Flair as a second is like having a team with hitting so deep that Barry Bonds bats ninth in the order: it's just not fair to everyone else. He can cheat, fire up a crowd, cut a great promo, or get in the ring when necessary. He's amazing. Now if only he weren't associated with a talentless, uninspiring, force-fed Four Horseman rip off.

2. I was absolutely certain that I was going to hate Nidia and Jamie Noble's shtick. But I didn't. I can't explain it. One day I was sitting there, and I thought, "I like Nidia. Why?" I'm still not exactly sure, but she and Noble have had some great scenes, great ring work, great chemistry and a lot of fun. And it's infectious.

3. Teddy Long is hilarious. But, like Rick, I think his problem is he's so entertaining that it points up how unamusing and untalented his charges are. Teddy can have me in hysterics during his promos. As soon as the bell rings, though, it's time to make a sandwich.


BEST TELEVISION PERSONALITY: Tazz
The play-by-play announcer, color commentator, interviewer, or other non-wrestler/non-second who contributed the most to an entertaining TV product. 
1st Runner-Up: Stone Cold Steve Austin
2nd Runner-Up: Coach

Comments:
1. Tazz recounts wrestlers' motivation, analyzes character, trades banter with Cole, tells jokes, explains the names and the purposes of moves, adds to ring psychology, and he's fun to listen to. That it's taken him only two years to reach this level of excellence — a level so high that my will to bitch slap Michael Cole is subdued — throws into high relief the level of inconsequence to which J.R. and Lawler have sunk. Tazz is now the only irreplaceable member of the commentating staff. Granted, he may not sell the drama of a match the way J.R. does, but J.R. now exclusively sells drama at the expense of match stories, psychology or basic explanation. J.R.'s most famous call — "Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!" — is pretty much all he does now, figuratively speaking. Thank you, no, I'd rather hear someone telling me how an STF puts pressure on the back and knees... and how that's dangerous given that the wrestler in question was hit in the back earlier, with a chair. Plus, Tazz doesn't spend half the show blowing Lawler, Mick Foley or Steve Austin.

2. Take away Jericho, and you take away about 40% of the amusing moments of the average Raw show this year. Take away Stone Cold, and you take away another 30% or so. It's a pretty sad commentary on your show when a general manager who can no longer wrestle provides more laughs and excitement than most of the roster. Stone Cold could have had a general manager feud with anyone else, but replacing Stone Cold would have been a tall order. He made that feud, and he made Raw not suck on a few occasions.

3. I like Coach. He's the black Eddie Haskell. "You're looking fly today, Mr. Bischoff." I love it. I'm a sick, sick man.


"HOLY SHIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Brock and Big Show Crush the Ring with a Superplex
The angle, high spot, stunt, or storyline swerve that was the most surprising and effective shocker of the last 12 months.
1st Runner-Up: Foley Shows Up, Out of the Blue, and Fires Practically Everybody
2nd Runner-Up: Piper Shows Up at WrestleMania

Comments:
1 & 3. Everyone else has already talked about these.

2. I don't know what's scarier about Foley firing everybody: that it was more entertaining than 90% of the shows this year, or that I had no objections to any of his decisions.


FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Rock and Hurricane Chat After Hurricane Hides in Rock's Dressing Room
The skit, promo, or other segment that, even if it wasn't really integral to storylines, was the most worthy of distinction simply for being hi-fricking-larious.
1st Runner-Up: Jericho and Trish Fall in Love
2nd Runner-Up: Brock Lesnar Promos

Comments:
1. Nothing kills a joke more than analyzing why it's funny. Suffice it to say that Rock and Hurricane jawing with each other was so hysterically funny that I woke my wife up to see it, and — this is the kicker — she was glad I did that. There you go. The puffy-eyed grouchy woman was giggling like crazy and glad that I got her out of bed to see a wrestling segment.

2. None of these bits were particularly ha-ha funny. But all of them exemplified that kind of warm truthful comedy that you can only appreciate after growing up and learning to laugh at yourself. Face it, at some point, we were all Chris Jericho or Trish, fumbling awkwardly and embarrassingly through a first courtship. Every time I saw one of these segments, I found myself chuckling and thinking, "Ugh, this looks too familiar. Was I this stupid sounding?"

3. You already know my opinion about these.


BEST WRESTLING SHOW: Smackdown!
The regular television program that consistently supplied the most entertaining mix of in-ring action and great storytelling.
1st Runner-Up: RAW
2nd Runner-Up: NWA:TNA

Comments:
I saw TNA once, and Raw insulted my intelligence and tried my patience weekly. Smackdown wins by default. Since I'm thinking of incredibly irritating things, let me tell you about my wife's cat. It's evil and stupid, and often both, but in an ever-changing ratio. Like Raw, in a way.

I am continually astounded at my wife's cat's ability to make its actions seem vengeful or unkind. What would appear to be mere stupidity or animal-ness in virtually any other animal comes off, when it concerns her cat, as an act of malice. I realize that this is probably an irrational conclusion, given that the dumb beast could decisively lose a "display some use of a sensory apparatus" contest to a peanut. Still, I remain watchful and on guard.

After years of calling the cat "Cat" or "You Bastard," or whatever appellation seemed fitting at the time, we finally settled on the name "Jabba." It seemed right. First of all, the cat is a male. Second, he's enormous, ever-recumbent, listless and haughty. If a tiny, loud and angry mockingbird sat squawking by him all the time, the resemblance would be uncanny. (Only later did "Nuisance" seem a better name, but Jabba had actually paid attention to us for the week after we finally named him, and this brief and ultimately unreproduced display of affection prevented us from robbing him of whatever minimal sense of identity might have penetrated his tiny mind.)

How, then, can Jabba display malice when his only aim in life seems to be to gorge himself and, while sitting, breathe laboriously, as if his lungs have a gut of their own? I think it's due to a form of selective inactivity.

Given that he spends nearly 23.75 hours per day sleeping, thinking about getting food, eating food, digesting the food or thinking about eating and digesting the food, or licking himself, any deviation from this routine seems deliberate, plotted. Perhaps the fact that I have been the only victim of his forays out of sleep and gustation amplifies this feeling. He is content to knock all my framed pictures off my desk and bookshelves; and, though he is frontally de-clawed, he liberally exercises the back claws while sitting on my desk chair, my loveseat or armchair, or (once) on my keyboard. My wife could likely leave an opened can of tuna on one of her silk shirts, on the floor, and return home to see nothing the worse for wear, except maybe the tuna.

The destructiveness would, in my mind, be excusable if any sort of relationship existed between Jabba and us. A Nazi biker pumped full of derringer bullets and mescaline is far more amorous and attentive than our cat. It's as if we own an appliance, not a pet: an expensive and sentiently rude food-to-feces converter that occasionally turns on us. This impression is aided by his color, a kind of metallic blue/gray — which would be gorgeous in a pair of eyes, but on his motionless frame only serves to make him look like some kind of round disused machinery grown furry with dust.

When we moved to Tampa, my disgust was given some release, as we banished Jabba to the screened-in porch. His litterbox is, blessedly, outside, and he can't get at my furniture anymore. The only things he can harm, that I care about, are the barbecue pit and my plastic chair. Within days, he managed to scratch both.

Perhaps sensing that he was at a disadvantage, he developed a new habit, which was (and is) chewing on the aloe plants, daily, and vomiting the entirety of his stomach contents... occasionally on my chair. To my way of thinking, this strategy is nothing short of genius: it forces us to buy more food for him and feed him greater quantities as compensation, while also increasing our exertions and suffering by replacing the easy litterbox clean-up with various clean-ups on location.

The strategy deepens when one considers his innate feline sense of persecution. You can't punish him since, like most cats, he makes no connection between doing something wrong and getting whomped on the bottom for doing it. All he sees is you whomping him on the bottom. Hence, you are evil. At one point, a few years ago, I left the kitchen for a few minutes, only to find him standing on a plate of chicken I'd set out on the counter (ready for barbecue), not only gnawing on one piece, but also tracking bits of cat litter on other pieces. I whomped him off the counter, and he spent the next two months hissing and growling at me whenever I came near. Only a protracted campaign of me over-feeding him and giving him treats of hand-fed strips of prosciutto ended his infernal noise. I don't want to spank him for eating the aloe plants, since that would mean running the risk of reprising the months of hissing.

I no longer have the energy to placate a seldom-walking lump of expense, bile and destructiveness. As I write this, the cat is sleeping in his own litterbox. Two weeks ago, a large (flying) cockroach was scuttling around the porch. It took about eight minutes of stomping and shoving potted plants and chairs around, but I finally squashed the little bugger. If I could have put him on display, at the tip of a spear, I would have; I was that proud. Jabba, however — demonstrating the calculative power of an adding machine with a hammer driven through it — ran from my non-cat-oriented stomping to areas where the cockroach also fled... never once feeling the impulse to hunt it himself. As such, Jabba felt as if I was trying to stomp the hell out of him. Finally, in desperation, he hid, not in his cocoon-ish kitty carrier, but in his litterbox, where he remains, perched on his own feces, whenever I am on the porch.

They say their mouths are cleaner than ours, you know.


BEST MAJOR EVENT: Vengeance
The one-night event, not shown on a regular/weekly free TV show, that provided the most entertaining (and, on some level, historically significant) mix of in-ring action and storytelling.
1st Runner-Up: WrestleMania
2nd Runner-Up: Royal Rumble

Comments:
Everyone else on OO has already explained the good points of these shows in detail. On Vengeance, I agree with Rick. On WrestleMania, I agree with Matt. On Royal Rumble, I agree with Erin. Oh, Jesus, when can I finish this list?


BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF THE YEAR: John Cena
The performer who won over fans and front office personnel to the point that he/she was most-clearly elevated to a new level of importance over the last 12 months.
1st Runner-Up: Tazz
2nd Runner-Up: [Tie] Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas

Comments:
1. Duh.

2. I've already talked about this.

3. The two members of The World's Greatest Tag Team (née Team Angle) started out fairly dull, but in a year's time became two of the most interesting wrestlers to watch as well as one of the most essential tag teams in the WWE. They just improved so much and so fast that not acknowledging them seems very wrong. As soon as they improve their mic skills, they are going to be insanely popular.


BREAK-OUT PERFORMER OF NEXT YEAR: Eddie Guerrero
The performer who has developed all the necessary skills and seems most likely to have them recognized and be elevated to a new level of importance in the next 12 months.
1st Runner-Up: John Cena
2nd Runner-Up: [Tie] Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas

Comments:
1. I'm putting Eddie here because I'm hoping that my saying it will be so will actually make it so. But let's be honest, people have been saying "next year is Eddie's breakout year" for probably nearly a decade. Maybe saying it again can make it true.

Realistically speaking, it's possible. Eddie had the crowds going nuts this year, so much so that the audience flat-out refused to accept him turning heel. If he stays healthy, there's a good chance that Eddie will get to chase the title after WrestleMania. That assumes that Brock v. Angle XVIII doesn't happen, and someone else gets a reasonable shot for a change.

2. I don't think I need to explain this.

3. Ditto. Trab pu kcip. Trab pu kcip.


BEST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: Stone Cold Returns to the WWE
The contract signing, promotional move, or other backstage/non-storyline development that most benefited a company or the wrestling business as a whole.
1st Runner-Up: Paul Heyman Returns as Smackdown GM
2nd Runner-Up: Hulk Hogan Is a Ridiculous Greedhead and Leaves TV

Comments:
1. This happened in 2003, didn't it? Well, it's my pick anyway. Even though it was only for one real match, it was great to see Stone Cold wrestling again and putting the "he took his ball and went home" comments to rest. I like Stone Cold. So sue me.

2. Heyman as GM is kind of a consolation prize, especially since we know he doesn't have the kind of creative input that he used to have. Still, Paul being on TV as the GM means it's less likely that we'll see Stephanie come back to bray into the microphone and steadily fatten herself on vanity and royal jelly. He keeps her at bay just a little while longer. And that's good news to me.

3. Hulk Hogan and the WWE both fail to realize that feelgood moments are just that: moments. Hogan won at WrestleMania, then stuck around just long enough to use up all our nostalgia, expend our goodwill and make us want to throw him in a ditch and pour dirt on him. And why did he leave? Because of difficulties with his contract, which translates to, "He wanted more money than a dessicated half-corpse deserves." Hogan's departure instantly freed up an average of 15 minutes per show. Bye bye, jackass.


THE bOOby PRIZES

WORST WRESTLER(S) OF THE YEAR: Gail Kim
The wrestler or tag team who, regularly and in key TV matches, displayed the most frustrating absence of in-ring skill and personality/charisma.
1st Runner-Up: John Heidenreich
2nd Runner-Up: Triple H

Comments:
1. I'll quote myself. "Gail Kim debuted and proceeded to blow more spots than Jeff Hardy in percocet-withdrawal working the Glory Hole in the back room of a honky tonk. Or, she just blew more spots than Jeff Hardy during a match. Pick your poison. She then won the title." The only thing more deadly in the ring than Gail Kim is...

2. John Heidenreich, who has attempted to murder at least three wrestlers with his finisher. It's a pity that he and Gail can't have a handicap match against...

3. Triple H, who's mostly dead already, and who deserves the wrestling equivalent of being dragged out to the pasture and shot — if not to put him out of his misery, then at least to put us out of ours. Thank you, Chuckles, for making the World Title Picture the single most boring and workrate-bereft part of wrestling for an entire year.


WORST NON-WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Jerry Lawler
The commentator, announcer, interviewer, manager/valet, GM, or other non-wrestler who added the least (or detracted the most) from the TV product.
1st Runner-Up: [tie] Vince McMahon and Stephanie McMahon
2nd Runner-Up: Dawn Marie Wilson

Comments:
Woob woob mulcty mish shmee shmee shma shma shma. Grih spu trudd nowl weepet weepet rinty. Whabtongulate furdled spazad blord! Blord!!! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE. Their presence on my screen and contribution to the show is so insanely terrible that it is the programming equivalent of being drunkenly and angrily rogered by a sweating hirsute Slavic man named Mulyak, who greets my cries of pain with repeated blows to my head from a pint bottle of Old Smuggler. Neeble dingle dangle dongle doodle dibble donnell spippot rumdrum hammertothehead. Watching them this year turned me stupid.


WORST FEUD OF THE YEAR: Kane v. Shane McMahon
The on-going rivalry that produced the worst in storylines, matches, and promos.
1st Runner-Up: Torrie Wilson v. Dawn Marie Wilson-Kennedy-Onassis
2nd Runner-Up: Coach and Al Snow v. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross

Comments: If you don't know why these feuds sucked, I can't help you.

My gardenia hurts.
This is my most zen haiku.
My pants fall. Autumn.

The echo of spank
Smacks each corner of the room,
Just like I smacked you

Ah, T.J. Hooker...
Bustin' those perps in my soul
And chasin' my heart

Let's go tipsy-whirl!
Twelve beers, and I'm a pinball.
Oh, fuck. Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

Stormtrooper: "Look, sir,
Droids!" Me: "You goddamned asshole!
That's just a washer!"

Some say people taste
Like steak; others say chicken.
But they're wrong, you know

Is this Rick Springfield,
Rick Derringer, or Eddie
Money? Ahhhh! Kill me!!!!


MOST OVERRATED WRESTLER: Randy Orton
The performer who least deserves all the air time and national exposure he/she receives.
1st Runner-Up: Triple H
2nd Runner-Up: Billy Gunn

Comments: If you don't know why I think these guys are overrated, look through my archive. I don't want to repeat myself.

Scampering monkey
Knocks over empty bottles...
Wakes me with his dance

Damned S.P.C.A.
Who cares how many legs he's
Got? He's a booze hound

Those filigrees of
Your thong strike me through the heart:
The slingshot of love

Goddamned garden gnomes:
Been using my toothbrush and
Looking through my stuff

I will be pantsless,
Hurling bottles at your pets...
Keeping score out loud

Belle and Sebastian?
I'll give you a bell, Susan:
Ring-ding-dong your ass

Spuvaned spanner spoots
The word "spanner" means a "wrench"
The rest is nonsense

I will poop on you
Oh, man, will I poop on you,
You poopy pooper

Forty S.P.M.
That's "spanks per minute," you know
And you'll know it well


"GODDAMMIT" MOMENT OF THE YEAR: Eric Bischoff Almost Rapes Linda McMahon
The awful promo, angle, blown spot, skit, or match that came closest to making you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan; the ugly cousin of the "Holy Shit Moment" Award.
1st Runner-Up: Al Wilson and All Related to Him
2nd Runner-Up: Eddie Guerrero Sprays Big Show with Shit

Comments: Ditto my above explanation and recommendation.


WORST "REAL WORLD" NEWS OF THE YEAR: Stone Cold Steve Austin Too Physically Damaged to Wrestle Full-Time Ever Again
The contract signing, promotional move, or other backstage/non-storyline development that seemed bone-headed at the time and least likely to lead to any positive results for the company or the wrestling business as a whole.
1st Runner-Up: Goldust Released
2nd Runner-Up: No One Breaks Up the Triple H/Stephanie McMahon Wedding and Saves Us from Another Generation of Their Tiresome Second-Rate Bullshit

Comments:
1. I don't need the guy to wrestle full time anymore, but he puts his life in jeopardy even if he wrestles one or two matches per year. What a colossal bummer.

2. This pissed me off. Goldust was some kind of strange alchemist who could convert a career-killing gimmick into one of the most entertaining on the show. Even if he never wrestled another match — which would be a pity, because he had a solid NWA-style moveset and unique finishers, tics, etc. — he could have guaranteed five funny and must-see minutes per show. But instead of keeping someone who could take garbage and turn it into gold, WWE prefers to keep wrestlers who can take a million-dollar push and turn it to unwatchable dreck. So long, Goldust, hope you find a nice job; welcome back, Billy Gunn, your manservant is waiting for you in your suite.

3. Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming! Their children are coming!

 
ADDITIONAL AWARDS/LISTS OF NOTE

Best Inanimate Object(s): The Steel Chair
1st Runner-Up: The Jeri-Tron 5000
2nd Runner-Up: Sable's Breasts


Things Big Show Could Hide Behind While Trying to Elude Enemy Spies, If He Were Suddenly Called Upon to Defend the Country: Mark Henry
1st Runner-Up: A randomly locked closet door along a seemingly endless flourescent-lit hallway.
2nd Runner-Up: Like, twenty ficuses.


Best During-Show Commercials: Triple H Drinks Bees and Teleports While Hanging Out with Hookers Color-Coordinated to Match Various Flavors of YJStinger
1st Runner-Up: John Cena Raps About YJStinger Without Teleporting
2nd Runner-Up: "It's the biggest SUV ever made. Only comes in Gunmetal and Black. I got Gunmetal. CD, DVD, HDTV, GPS, surround sound. The whole thing's a phone. I'm on the phone right now. Overseas."


Most Important Thing I Did This Year: Asked My Doctor About Claritin
1st Runner-Up: Bought a House
2nd Runner-Up: Got Married


Three Things About "The IWC" that Garner the Highest Spikes on the Unintentional Comedy Scale: 411Mania.com
1st Runner-Up: People Defending RVD's "Psychology"
2nd Runner-Up: IWC "Original Fiction"


Three Things About My Reader Mail that Garner the Highest Spikes on the Unintentional Comedy Scale: People Misspelling the Word "Faggot"
1st Runner-Up: The arguments, often proffered, that I'm an idiot because I wrote a whole six pages about something I didn't like; that spending time analyzing something that one doesn't like is a waste (I imagine that this is why abolitionists never wrote books about how evil slavery was: they only wrote greeting cards with five bullet points on them. And Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was actually just a limerick); and the notion that one paragraph of verbal abuse will change my mind on a subject I spent six pages discussing.
2nd Runner-Up: Threats of Physical Harm


Top Three Things I Love About My New Fridge: It Can Destroy Your Fridge
1st Runner-Up: It's a Huge Side-by-Side
2nd Runner-Up: It has a built-in water filter more effective than a Brita, which runs the filtered water to the icemaker and to the water and ice dispensers inset on the freezer door.

Comments:
There are no adequate words to describe the glory of my fridge. I feel like the DirecTV viewer whose letter was read by Andy Garcia. Rest assured that my fridge can beat up your fridge. It will fight the fuck out of your fridge, throw it into some trash cans, gnaw on your fridge's hinges, kick it in the side and then finally toss it down a flight of stairs. My fridge can so totally batter and humiliate your fridge that your fridge will go home and beat the shit out of you in a desperate bid for self-esteem. Such is the might of my fridge. Do not doubt me.


Three Things That Surprised Me About Home Ownership: Paying the Bear Tax
1st Runner-Up: Finding a Counterfeit Jeans Ring in My Carhole
2nd Runner-Up: Layers upon layers of lead paint on my home protect inhabitants from the deadly effects of a neutron bomb detonation.


Mean Things You Could Say to Triple H While Playing Tennis: "QUAD TEAR!"
1st Runner-Up: Look straight at him and keep mispronouncing the word "deuce" as "douche."
2nd Runner-Up: "Let's make this a best-of-three-sets, since I know you can't last through long matches."


The Three Columns from This Year of Which I Am Proudest: Randy and Me
1st Runner-Up: The Doe Eyes of Freakzilla
2nd Runner-Up: Long Reign's Journey Into Night


Three Wrestling Terms That Sound Dirty If You Stop to Think About Them: "Jobber"
1st Runner-Up: [tie] "Hoss"/"Slobberknocker"
2nd Runner-Up: "Getting Heat"


Non-OO Wrestling Columns I Read Most Faithfully: Dean Rasmussen's Smackdown Workrate Report (Wienerboard)
1st Runner-Up: Justin Shapiro's Heat Recaps (Meltzer's site)
2nd Runner-Up: [tie] James Guttman/Derek Burgan (Torch)


Three Places I Visited Most Often on Weekends While an Apartment Dweller: The James Joyce Pub (Irish pub)
1st Runner-Up: Mad Dogs and Englishmen (British pub)
2nd Runner-Up: [tie] Tropicana Field (home of the Devil Rays)/The Gandy Dog Track (parimutuel)


Three Places I Visit Most Often on Weekends as a Home Owner: Home Depot
1st Runner-Up: Lowes
2nd Runner-Up: Sam's Club


Things I Had to Do While Writing Out Explanations for These Tedious Awards: Chain Smoke and Dull the Pain with Beer
1st Runner-Up: Write These Fake Awards to Make Myself Feel Better
2nd Runner-Up: Renew my occasional addiction to computer Jeopardy! to the degree that "Mr. Body Massage Machine" is an eight-time returning champion with roughly $125,000 in winnings. Yeah, I know. It's pathetic.


Feuds We're Likely to See Endlessly Over the Next Decade: Stephanie McMahon v. Gravity
1st Runner-Up: Brock v. Angle
2nd Runner-Up: Hogan v. Piper
 

E-MAIL JEB LUND
BROWSE JEB'S ARCHIVE

Jeb Tennyson Lund is a regular columnist for Citizen Scholar, an online
journal. If you want to read his sadly less wrestling-oriented columns, go
to www.citizenscholar.net.

All contents are Copyright 1995-2009 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.