PREFACE

If one were to embark upon a new exploration of the Hulk's place in modern American letters, that ambiguously gendered "one" must consider, in addition to the graphical masterworks, a newly available body of interpretive drama and a vast range of full-contact literary and philosophical dialogues published in recent years — texts with an extensive, but often indirect influence. But however many canon jewels are gleaned from the Hulk's oeuvre, an appreciation of the Hulk's insistence/hegemony in modern letters requires attention to the strange force of his language. Indissociable from the fascinating power of any Hulkian expression — be it a transformative kitten interlude or violent expression of the will toward negation — is the haunting presence of language that brings language itself into question as it searches the borders of what can be said in its time. This language offers itself everywhere in the Hulk's voice. The Hulk's literary expressions have commanded a cautious respect that seems almost unmatched in modern criticism: the works have been left — like the Hulk himself — alone.
 

19 Variations on a Theme of "HULK SMASH"

DOPPLEGANGER
Hulk Hogan: How're you doin', brother?
Hulk: YOU NOT BROTHER!
Hulk Hogan: Sure I am. Lemme tell you somethin', brother.
Hulk: YOU NOT BROTHER! YOU ORANGE WALRUS!
Hulk Hogan: (waves finger and shakes head) Dude…
Hulk: HULK SMASH!
(Hogan jobs.)
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
TEACHER
(Annie Sullivan leads her student, the Hulk, to the water pump. She pours water over his hand, and while she's doing this, she spells the name for "water" in his other hand. Hulk's face lights up. He makes a grunting sound.)
Annie: I'll teach you everything!
(She leads him around the garden, making him touch and then spelling everything for him. Hulk becomes more and more excited at his newfound understanding of language. He makes a grunting sound.)
Hulk: Nnngghh!
Annie: Let's name the plants!
(She places Hulk's hand on an orchid, a tulip, and finally, a cactus. Hulk, in pain, grunts even louder, then rips Annie's arms off. Without his teacher, Hulk never learns how to say, "HULK SMASH!" and Special Education isn't invented.)
— Cory Harris
 
 
SOME KIND OF TITLE
Orton: HI HULK! HOW HULK DOING TODAY?
Hulk: Oh, hi Randy.
Orton: HULK JEALOUS OF RANDY? ME NOT MAD IF HULK AM.
Hulk: Not particularly.
Orton: SURE SURE. RANDY #1 CHAMPION OF ALL TIME.
Hulk: Shut the fuck up before Hulk Smash your goddamn brains in.
Orton: HEY, NOTHING HULK CAN SAY, NOTHING HULK CAN CHANGE WHAT HULK DID TO ME!
Hulk: Don't sing your retarded song at me you fucking half-wit pretty boy. I have a match to prepare for.
(Hulk leaves.)
Orton: BYE BYE, BATISTA!
— Brad Smoley
 
 
SPLITTING HAIRS
Grammarian: Hello, Hulk.
Hulk: Friend Hulk?
Grammarian: "Are you a friend of Hulk's?"
Hulk: ME Hulk.
Grammarian: There's just no way to make a declarative an interrogative.
Hulk: ROGGATIVE?
Grammarian: Now you're catching on.
Hulk: CATCH HULK?
Grammarian: Yes, that is the catch, Hulk.
Hulk: NO CATCH HULK!
Grammarian: But there is a catch, Hulk.
Hulk: NO CATCH HULK! HULK SMASH!
Grammarian: I really should have rethought that Prescriptivist/Descriptivist debate.
(Bloodily, in the street, dies the [smooshed] Grammarian.)
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
SWITCH
Hulk: HULK HAVE COMPUTER BUT NOT LIKE IT. IT MAKE BUZZ NOISE WHEN HULK SMASH BUTTONS. THEN SCREEN NO WORK AFTER PUNCHES. HULK SMASH. LOSE ALL POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS ABOUT KITTENS AND QUICKEN FILES. HULK FINANCES RUINED. HULK SMASH. BITS OF COMPUTER ALL GREY AND YUCKY. HULK'S SWITCH TO APPLE AND HULK SMASH. BITS OF NEW COMPUTER SHINY. HULK HAPPIER NOW.
 
ME HULK, AND ME SUPERHERO.
— Brad Smoley
 
 
H*U*L*K*'S*M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: We should help this man.
Charles: Again with your bourgeois guilt. This man is an enemy combatant.
B.J. Honeycutt: But he's also a human being.
Charles: He's also a human being that probably shot at me.
Hawkeye: Charles—
Charles: And his nails are filthy.
Hulk: SNOB!!!!!
(Hulk demolishes Charles' record collection.)
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
LOL HLK SMSH~!
JaydeJiant: U HULKS FRIEND
BannerzGurl: lmao who is this
JaydeJiant: ME HULK U HULKS FRIEND
BannerzGurl: is that a question or a statement?
JaydeJiant: HULK SMASH PUNY COMPUTER
JaydeJiant signed off at 10:50:27 PM
— Cory Harris
 
 
GOOD FOR BUSINESS
Triple H: Okay, after you rip my spine out, I'll get up at a two-count and then pin you with a Pedigree. Sound good?
Hulk: HULK NO JOB TO GUY WITH BEAK AND HAIR LIKE GIRL!
Triple H: Look, I can't lose my heat. And in case you didn't know, I'm better than everyone. You have to lose.
Hulk: HULK WANT TITLE! HULK ACTUALLY OVER!
Triple H: Nope. I win.
Hulk: HULK SMASH GLASS CEILING!
(Hulk throws Rey Misterio, Chris Jericho, and Booker T at the ceiling, but it doesn't shatter.)
Hulk: NOOOOOOO!!!! NOW HULK FEUD WITH MAVEN!
— Cory Harris
 
 
META-DISCOURSE
(A man and woman argue in their living room, pacing on either side of a coffee table. Occasionally they sit on armchairs that are facing each other from either side of the coffee table. A television set, set in the middle of the backstage wall, is tuned to Bloomberg news and spitting out financial data.)
Hashworth: I can't believe you!
Corletta: Can't believe what? That I have the type of talent that gets rewarded, or that I have the balls to take those rewards and DO something with them?
Hashworth: When have I said that you don't deserve rewards?
Corletta: It's not what you've said. You hardly say anything anymore. No, it's what you implied.
Hashworth: What I implied? Great. You have so few things you could possibly complain about, about me, so now I get to be skewered by things you're imagining?
(He sits down.)
Corletta: It doesn't take any imagination to see that you think I've done something wrong by taking that job offer.
Hashworth: Corletta, it's Globo-Chem! I've every reason to be upset.
Corletta: Because they'll pay me five times what you make?
Hashworth: No! Because they mass-produce bulimia aids—
Corletta: Doctors call those tongue depressors—
Hashworth: Made of ivory?
Corletta: So? They're designer bulimia aids—
Hashworth: Marketed to children!
(At this, he strikes the coffee table with his fist. The remote jumps on the table, and the channel changes.)
Tinny TV Sound: "HULK SMASH!"
Corletta: For all the years I've known you, your liberal guilt has trumped any impulse you might have to improve yourself or achieve something.
Hashworth: And you've never let the unforgivable get in the way or your own advancement. Even in college, it seemed like you hated learning because you thought it got in the way of getting good grades. Like you wished the two didn't have to be connected. It's like—
Corletta: It's like you'd rather let your morality get in the way of your vitality any time.
Hashworth: And you finally found a venality to match your own banality.
Tinny TV Sound: "ROGGATIVE?"
Hashworth: (turning out his pockets) I think my pants are Swiss.
Corletta: You smug sanctimonious—
Hashworth: No, seriously. They came with this corkscrew, a nail file and an awl.
(He shows her the corkscrew; she slaps it out of his hand.)
Corletta: I want a divorce.
Hashworth: Cool! A magnifying glass!
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
THREE'S COMPANY
Jack: I can't believe Mr. Furley died.
Janet: He was only 96.
Chrissy: Yeah.
Jack: So who's our new landlord?
Janet: I don't know — but he's supposed to be coming upstairs soon to get the rent.
Jack: But... we don't have the rent!
Janet: Hopefully, he'll be understanding.
Chrissy: Yeah.
Hulk: HULK NEW LANDLORD. OWE HULK MONEY.
Jack: We'll have it soon, we're just a little behind...
(He does a pratfall over the couch.)
Chrissy: Yeah.
Hulk: WHO HE? HE NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE HERE!!!
Jack: Oh... I'm gay.
Larry: Yeah, I'm his friend. I'm here to amuse the ladies.
Hulk: YOU HIS FRIEND?
Jack: Yes, he's my friend.
Hulk: YOU NO GAY. NO GAY MAN BE FRIENDS WITH VELOUR HAIRBALL.
Larry: Hey!
Hulk: HULK SMASH LIARS! HULK RESPECT TRUTH!!!
(Hulk kills Jack and Larry.)
Hulk: GO DOWN FOR DRINK AT REGAL BEAGLE NOW!!!
(Leaves.)
— Canadian Bulldog
 
 
OF MICE AND RADIOACTIVE GREEN ABOMINATIONS
Hulk: GEORGE TELL HULK ABOUT RABBITS!
George: Not if you keep yelling like that. And especially not if you keep killing every animal you touch.
Hulk: HULK PROMISE HE BE CAREFUL!
George: Okay. One day, Hulk, we'll make it. We'll have a big field, and we'll have animals, and…
Hulk: GEORGE HAVE COWLICK! HULK SMASH FLAT!
(American Dream fades.)
— Cory Harris
 
 
DISGUISE
(Hulk and Captain America are shopping for Halloween costumes.)
Captain America: I know! Let's go as Paul Bunyan and Babe the Green Ox!
Hulk: HULK ALWAYS OX! HULK WANT NEW COSTUME!
Captain America: Okay, okay. You watch wrestling. How about we go as a tag team?
Hulk: HULK LIKE DEMOLITION!
Captain America: Okay. We'll just pick up some facepaint and use some of my bondage stuff. You can be Ax, and I'll be—
Hulk: HULK SMASH!
Captain America: But I think you would make a better Ax. You're a lo—
Hulk: HULK SMASH!
Captain America: Fine, fine. You can be so difficult, you know that?
(Hulk grabs a bag of candy corn and throws it in his mouth, packaging and all.)
Hulk: TINY CARROTS TASTE GOOD!
— Cory Harris


SOFTSHOE
(A dozen kids are crowded around a popular dancing simulation arcade game. There are many blinking lights.)
Billy: I've got some tight stomps, yo! No one can dance like me!
Hulk: HULK GOT MOVES! MOVE!
(Hulk tries to tap dance to the video game's liking.)
Game: You lose. Please insert 75 cents.
Hulk: (checking his pockets)  HULK NO HAVE CHANGE FOR $20! SMASH SMASH REVOLUTION!
(In the other end of the arcade, a pinball machine reads "Tilt." Tommy can't see it. Confused, he weeps quietly to himself, because he is a mute.)
— Cory Harris
 
 
MONSTER SMASH
(An antiquated record player sits on a small end table in the middle of a bare stage. Next to it is a large wooden chair. Hulk enters from stage left, and sits in the chair. He clumsily turns the crank on the record player, and an old song slowly wheezes out before reaching its full tempo. Hulk taps his foot and awkwardly and incorrectly mouths the words.)
Record Player: I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
He did the mash
Hulk: HULK SMASH.
Record Player: The monster mash
Hulk: HULK SMASH.
Record Player: He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the—
Hulk: MONSTER SMASH.
(Hulk leans forward and pounds the floor. The needle on the player jumps.)
Record Player: —get a jolt from my electrodes
They did the mash
They did the monster mash
Hulk: DID THE MASH.
Record Player: It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
Hulk: MASH!!!
Record Player: They did the mash
Hulk: MASH!!!
Record Player: The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son
Hulk: NO DRACULA!
(Hulk is startled and jostles the record player. The needle skips.)
Record Player: —played the monster mash
Hulk: HULK PLAY MASH.
Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"
Hulk: SHUT UP, DRACULA!!!
Record Player: It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
Hulk: (standing up and shaking his fist)  YOU REPEAT TOO MUCH.
Record Player: Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
Hulk: MASH MASH MASH. I MASH YOU!
Record Player: The monster mash
Hulk: MAAAAAASSSSHHHHHHH!
(A needle-skipping sound is heard, followed by wood shrapnel flying across the stage.)
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
LIKE-MINDED
(Hulk is approached by a WWE Diva backstage.)
Maria: Does Hulk mind if Maria ask Hulk question?
Hulk: HI GIRL! HULK NO MIND!
Maria: How Hulk think losing match effect Hulk chances at winning title?
Hulk: HULK ANSWER! HULK SMASH OPPONENTS. HULK LIKE HAIR. GET CUT RECENTLY?
Maria: Yes Maria did! Thank Hulk for noticing!
(She hugs Hulk and gives him kiss on cheek.)
Hulk: MARIA PRETTY... WHY MUST MAKE FUN OF WAY HULK TALK?
Maria: Maria no make fun. Maria stupid like Hulk!
Hulk: HULK NO STUPID, GIRL STUPID! WHY GIRL NOT HAVE WRESTLING ABILITY OR OTHER DISCERNIBLE TALENT?!?! WASTE TIME ON HULK TV AND IN FACE! HULK SMASH!!!!
(He smashes Maria to a bloody pulp.)
Candice: Oh God! What Hulk do to Diva Maria?
Hulk: NO MAKE FUN OF HULK! HULK SMASH!
(He smashes Candice.)
Christy: Christy scared! No smash Christy!
Hulk: THIS RIDICULOUS.
— Brad Smoley


RELOADED
Architect: Hello, Hulk.
Hulk: WHO YOU?
Architect: I am the Architect. I created the Matrix. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
Hulk: WHAT?
Architect: Um, okay. I created the Matrix. You have questions. I'll try to answer them, but since you're human, and I'm a machine, we think on different levels and you won't understand some of the things I have to tell you.
Hulk: HULK NOT HUMAN. ME NO UNDERSTAND.
Architect: It's simple. Just ask questions and I'll try to confuse you. Ready?
Hulk: HULK LIKE THIS GAME. WHAT CAPITAL OF OHIO?
Architect: Columbus... but, no, that's not what I mean—
Hulk: NOW YOU TURN. ASK HULK QUESTION!
Architect: (sighs)  Why are you here?
Hulk: NO, ME WANT TO KNOW WHY AM HULK HERE?
Architect: Wow, that actually worked. Ahem. Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably... here.
Hulk: HULK HUNGRY.
Architect: Oh, for chrissake. Are you even listening to me?
Hulk: THIS BORING. HULK SMASH MAN!
fatal system erroroo000110100101010100111001001 00101000100100000100101001001010010010010001 11010010100100010110010010010011000010110100 101010100111001001001010001001000001001010010 01010010010010001110100101001000101100100100 10011001001011010010101010011100100100101000 10010000010010100100101001001001000111010010 100100010110010010010011001001101001010101001
— Brad Smoley
 
 
POSSESSION
The Dude: Hey, man.
Hulk: HULK SMASH!
(Hulk picks up a Volkswagen and throws it at a garden gnome.)
The Dude: Hey, that's, like, private property, man!
— Jeb Tennyson Lund
 
 
EXCLUSIVE
(The stage is divided to resemble a split screen. On the left, Candian Belldoug gets a pad of paper and a pen ready and then dials a telephone number. On the right, Hulk's phone rings. He picks it up.)
Candian Belldoug: Is this Hulk Hogan?
Hulk: NO.
Candian Belldoug: Thanks for the compliment. Question number one, why is your skin orange?
Hulk: HULK GREEN!
Candian Belldoug: Sure, you're not the best worker, but you're hardly a rookie. Haha!
Hulk: YOU GO SOMEWHERE WITH THIS?
Candian Belldoug: Question number two: Can I date your hot pop superstar daughter?
Hulk: YOU WANT SEX HULK'S DAUGHTER?
Candian Belldoug: Bank on it.
Hulk: YOU TRY, HULK SMASH BRAINS IN. STAY AWAY HULK DAUGHTER.
Candian Belldoug: This interview is OVER!!!
(He slams down the phone. Hulk hangs up.)
Hulk: ME STILL LIKE HIM BETTER THAN SCOTT KEITH.
— Canadian Bulldog
 
 
ONCE IS ENOUGH
Hulk: HULK TUMMY HURT
Jesus: For crying out loud. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Hulk: HULK SORRY.
Jesus: Go smash yourself.
Hulk: JESUS MEAN! HULK EAT MEAT ON LENT!
Jesus: Fine. I forgive you. Now go away, I'm checking out some fly-ass porn on the internet.
Hulk: HULK HATE WEBSENSE! HULK SMASH SENSE INTO WEB!
Jesus: I forgot to take my birth control pill yesterday. Shit!
Hulk: HULK NO BELIEVE IN RHYTHM METHOD!
Jesus: I'm just a squirrel tryin' to get a nut, so move your butt... to the dance floor.
Hulk: HULK CAN MASH POTATO! HULK CAN DO THE TWIST! NOW TELL HULK BABY! YOU LIKE HULK LIKE THIS?
Jesus: JESUS SMASH!
(Mel Gibson kisses Hulk.)
— Cory Harris and Brad Smoley
 

UNTITLED
Hulk: HULK SMASH DEAD HORSE!
— Brad Smoley