So, in true Smarkies fashion, I shall talk about Kurt by devoting an entire column to his Evil Twin: Brock Lesnar.  That’s right: the Brock Lesnar that all YOU clueless drones are calling “the biggest star in the business” while you bemoan his departure to obscurity in the NFL.

I seriously cannot believe some of the comments I’m reading.  People are talking about “how much Brock improved” last year- yes, it’s true that he went from a nearly-mute lump of inert steroidal tissue to almost Bradshaw levels of  in-ring skills and mic abilities, but is that really the sort of “improvement” that we want to reward?  “Hey, the guy talks now!  HE’S THE NEW RANDY SAVAGE!”

Sheese.  While it’s true that he tripled his moveset- from “Clothesline” to “Clothesline, Spinebuster, and Sleeperhold”, Brock still spent most of his 18 months in the big leagues fluffing lines, slapping his forehead like a retard, gesticulating like Sloth from the Goonies, and nearly killing himself performing moves that Billy Kidman pulls off every weekend on Velocity.  This is what you’re all upset about losing?

But enough of me.  You’re not  here to read me rant about Brock.  You’re hear to read me make fun of people.  So let’s see if we can combine the two, as I present:

The commemorative “Brocky Sucks” history of Brock Lesnar’s contributions to Pro Wrestling!

Oh?  Where’s his GOLD MEDALS?
“Lesnar was a phenomenal study, becoming one of the best all-around performers in the ring and behind the mic over the past 18 months since he first became a headliner.”
-Wade Keller

I repeat: WHERE’S HIS FRIGGIN’ GOLD MEDALS?
“Brock Lesnar is highly regarded in our office and probably the most highly regarded athlete we've picked up in the talent department."
-Jim Ross, apparently forgetting that Brock wouldn’t even have been picked up by the WWE if Kurt Angle hadn’t worked out so well.

Only if you’re talking in terms of “freakishly big skulls”, in which case there’s no argument at all.
“the WWE is losing arguably their biggest star”
-R Siegel

Where exactly have Casual Fans been seeing Foley and the Rock wrestle this year?
“Hardcore fans may not feel the loss of Goldberg, Lesnar, Rock, and Foley, but with those guys gone, the casual fan will certainly feel it.”
-R Sigel

Somehow, I just KNEW this was all Triple H’s fault!
“No wonder Lesnar's pissed off about having to job to the no-selling Undertaker. This is how WWE rewards its selfless "team players" while tired spotlight-hogs like Triple H and Taker cling to their spots.”
-Mike R

You forgot “Nearly killed himself at Wrestlemania 19, settled for Marc Mero’s sloppy seconds, used a grand total of six moves in an 18 month period, and got his ass kicked by Curt Hennig.”
“at 26 years old, [Brock has] won the World Title. He "retired" Hulk Hogan. He's made plenty of money. He's headlined countless main events and PPVs. He's dominated as a face, he's dominated as a heel.”
-S Berger

Because the WWE just doesn’t have enough marginally talented, self-centered, ego-maniacal Neanderthals.
“Out of anyone in the entire WWE, Brock Lesnar would have been the last person I would have wanted to leave.”
-A Soucek

You’re half right.  Kurt made HIMSELF a star.
“Within these past five years, I believe only two stars have been created: Kurt Angle, and Brock Lesnar.”
-A Soucek

Hogan had ONE match against Lesnar, and it resulted in Hogan’s retirement.  What the hell did you want, Lesnar to rape his corpse?
“I think Lesnar's departure should be a wake up call to Vince. I hope he figures out that by continually pushing older talent over and over like Taker, HBK, and Hogan (last year) that WWE will be in trouble in the future.”
-J Beecher, who apparently didn’t catch all those wins Lesnar had over Taker at various PPVs.

Making him the best of a group that includes A-Train, King Kong Bundy, and the Big Show’s stomach.
“I thought he was well on his way to becoming one of the best wrestlers of his size to ever grace a WWE ring.”
-Hedda A

It’s sad that now we’re stuck with nobodies  like  Kurt Angle,  Eddie Guerrero, John Cena and Rey Mysterio.
“My second reaction was the knowledge that the WWE had shot themselves in the foot by having next to nobody to fill the shoes of someone like Lesnar on Smackdown and a general lack of headliners.”
-P Ballatti, who apparently likes em’ big and stupid.

Besides being an immensely talented Superstar whose loss will surely lead to the end of Pro Wrestling as we know it, it turns out that Brock was quite the Pillar of Moral Rectitude and a shining example of family values.
“It may have been a manifestation of personal issues at home in Minnesota related to his young child and the mother of his child and also stress from dating Rena Mero (Sable) on the road.”
-Wade Keller

Maybe next time they’ll base their choice in Main Eventers on something other than neck size.
“WWE is taking a huge hit as the company has spent the last two years building Lesnar up as their top young star.”
-PWInsider

He doesn’t mention Lesnar.  He’s still a moron.
“Vince and his precious brand could go belly up tomorrow and the world would be a better place.”
-The Mysterious MegaWiener Known Only as "Joey Joe Joe McLastnasmestarswiththeletterN," via the Torch, prompting the age-old question: Since Smarks can’t stand the WWE, why the hell are these idiots watching it?

Maybe there IS intelligent life in New York after all.
Lesnar was roundly booed during his Mania match with Goldberg.

New York 2, Net Smarks 0
Showing just how great Kurt Angle actually is, New York fans simultaneously chanted both his Face and Heel chants during his match with Eddy Guerrero.  (“Let’s go Angle, Angle Sucks!”)

Quote of the Week
"I liked Brock, but unless his reasoning is different than what he's given for leaving, he's a big dummy head poo-poo face! Bye bye, you Buttnose! "
-Big Jim Justice, Online Onslaught

That’s it for now, as I’ve had just about all the Lesnar I can handle for one week.  Let’s see if anything truly infuriating can happen in this week, so I can expand my writing streak to two consecutive weekly columns. 

LET’S GO ANGLE!

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