by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

If you don't want the surprises from Thursday's broadcast spoiled -- and be warned: they include a mind-numbingly retarded follow-up on the Al/Dawn marriage -- then hit BACK now, and remember to tune in on Thursday night.

Otherwise, here goes... as compiled from e-mail reports:

• In dark/Velocity matches:  Nova d. Eric Stevens, Jamie Noble d. Brian Danielson, The Jet d. Shannon Moore, and Chuck Palumbo d. Xavier...
• SD! opened with a tag title defense, as Los Guerreros managed to defeat John Cena and B-2.  Eddie Guerrero appeared to be legitimately injured in the middle of the match, and was helped to the back, as Chavo wrestled the rest of the way on his own.  Following miscommunication between Cena and B-2, Chavo hit his Uncle Eddie's Frog Splash for the win.  After the match, Cena got upset with B-2 for losing the match, and was joined by a mystery man (identified by one fan as Redd Dogg) in beating down B-2.
• Stephanie came out on the entrance ramp and did a promo promising the return of the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble.  Of note: all mentions of Taker this week referenced his American Badass gimmick, and not his old supernatural "Dead Man" shtick.
• Dawn Marie cut a promo, announcing the death of Al Wilson. She promised a public viewing of the body later in the night, and two or three other skits aired over the course of the show, culminating in Dawn and Torrie Wilson catfighting at the funeral home, and accidentally knocking over Al's casket.  Oh, sweet Jesus, I want to punch somebody for letting it come to this...
• Bill DeMott beat Riksihi.
• Funaki's attempt to do an interview with Matt Hardy degenerated into a brawl between Funaki/Kidman and Hardy/Moore...
• Cousin Nunzio got a win over Tajiri; the combined interference of Noble and Nidia (who got a face full of mist) was enough to give Nunzio the opening to get the win.
• Backstage:  Stephanie McMahon grants Brock Lesnar a match, with the partner of his choice, against Big Show and A-Train later tonight.  
• In the ring, Heyman, flanked by Show and A-Train boasts about how Lesnar won't even make it into the Rumble match, which leads into the tag match.  Rey Mysterio made his big return, and pinned Albert following a (619) for the win.
• Matt Hardy beat Funaki; interference from Shannon Moore and Billy Kidman cancelled each other out.
• In the main event, Kurt Angle, Shelton Benjamin, and Charlie Haas got a DQ win over Chris Benoit and Edge; or the five men went to a no decision (reports varied).  The ref just sort of rang the bell as Benoit had the Crossface locked onto an illegal man, so....  after the bell, Benoit got the better of Angle in a brief brawl.  [For the live fans, Lesnar made an extra appearance and took out all of Team Angle, though that bit probably doesn't make it on TV.]

The sheer stupidity of the Dawn/Al stuff and the possibility that Eddie Guerrero was really hurt aside, this doesn't look like it was much of an eventful show...  it doesn't look like any new feuds were put in place, or new Rumble PPV matches officially inked.  We shall see how it plays on TV this Thursday night.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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