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WWE TV Spoilers
May 19, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


OK, so the build up and execution of Judgment Day was just SO AWESOME, wasn't it?  We all wish it could go on for another month, don't we!

Well, Potsie, be careful what you wish for and all that...  because my bitching and whining about how SD! didn't seem like it turned a corner after the PPV on Sunday looks like it was even more spot-on than I could have feared in my worst possible nightmares.

I'll say no more, on the grounds that maybe some of you (chortle) clicked here by mistake and need  a final warning to hit BACK.  That was it.  You keep reading, you're screwed.

The rest of you, here are the depressing results from this week's WWE TV tapings, including the mind-bendingly stagnant ones from tomorrow night's SmackDown!, as compiled from e-mail reports.

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

  • Rhyno beat Stevie Richards
  • La Resistance beat Two Guys
  • Garrison Cade beat Hurricane

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

  • Scotty 2 Hotty beat Some Guy
  • Mark Jindrak beat Paul London
  • The Grumpy Old Men beat the Basham Brothers (well at least ONE change was made from Judgment Day, and Holly and Gunn are back on Velocity...)

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

  • Opening promo has both Eddie Guerrero and Bradshaw getting on the stick for a little debate.  Bradshaw fulfilled his promise, blah blah blah.  Eddie's still the champ, and so on and so forth.  End result is that EDDIE is the aggressor and wants the rematch.  Bradshaw hems and haws a bit, but seems about to accept when GM Kurt Angle interrupts and puts the kibosh on any world title rematches.  Instead, he says that other men have unfinished business from Judgment Day, and tonight, we'll get a main event with Eddie/RVD/Rey vs. Bradshaw/Dudleys. [You'll have to pardon me for being a dickhead and commenting on something I haven't even seen, but (a) NObody wants to see any more of Eddie/Bradshaw, and (b) what the hell is left to do between RVD/Rey and the Duds after the finish at the PPV being the second clean and decisive win for the faces?  Good lord...]
  • Charlie Haas and Rico beat the FBI.  The entertainment value was there.  The drama and sizzle was not.  Such is life in a mostly-dead tag division.
  • Kidman and Akio went to a no contest when Mordecai came out and squashed both men.  BEGIN THE INTERNET JACK-OFF CRUISERWEIGHT OUTRAGE~!
  • In a match arranged by WCW's Old Monkeys Operating a Random Booking Machine, Chavo Classic won the Cruiserweight Title by beating Spike Dudley.  Chavo Guerrero was in the match, too, and the idea was apparently that the Chavos would dominate Spike, and then Classic would let Chavo win... but Spike made a comeback, and Chavo powdered out, and Classic wound up winning the match.  Chavo's reign: 4 days (in TV Time).  I'm not sure, but I think this could be kind of interesting to watch play out between the Chavos.  And also: one report went out of the way to say this was a really good, fun match.  But nevertheless, I'm also EXTREMELY CONFIDENT THAT THE INTERNET JACK-OFF CRUISERWEIGHT OUTRAGE WILL CONTINUE~!  First Jackie, then Mordecai, now a senior citizen!
  • Booker T cut a promo in which he basically tried to pretend that Judgment Day didn't happen.  Hey, you and me both, dawg.  So now, he wants another go with the Undertaker.  Things'll be different next time.
  • Booker T squashed Funaki.  Because if anything says, "I'm totally in Undertaker's league," it's beating up a comedy act announcer!
  • Backstage: Eddie Guerrero is assaulted by Bradshaw, and looks to be in really bad shape.
  • In more Judgment Day Reprise Action, John Cena had a rematch against Rene Dupree.  Can somebody tell me WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN HAVE A PPV THIS PAST WEEKEND?  It sure as hell wasn't to entertain me, and now, it's obvious to all that it wasn't to blow-off any feuds and start anew.  Cena raps, Pavlov's Dogs respond.  Dupree comes out, they boo.  And then, because We Can't Think Of Anything Better To Try, Dupree actually picks up the cheap win via count-out, using all his evil Frenchness. So unless they are just doing this to set up a series of Alleged Free Per View Matches, it looks like June's SD! PPV (Great American Bash) will bare a striking similarity to May's SD! PPV.  And we all know how well that turned out...
  • In the main event Bradshaw and the Dudley beat Rob Van Dam, Rey Mysterio, and Kinda Eddie Guerrero.  Because of the beating he took, Eddie didn't show up to start the match.  Regardless of the spirit-crushingly uninspired booking on SD! these days, these 5 (and eventually 6) men busted ass and put on a good match.  One report said it was at least as good as anything on the PPV, but again, what's that really saying?  You can probably guess the formula here: eventually the heels take control, and RVD and Rey need a miracle... and it arrives in the form of Eddie Guerrero, who hits the ring in time to get a hot tag.  He cleans house for a bit, but you can tell the blood loss from the PPV and the attack backstage have sapped him of his energy, and eventually, he sputtered, got a few moves put on him, and just seemed to pass out.  Bradshaw took that chance to tag himself in and get a cheap pinfall win over Eddie.  And you thought I was kidding about another month or two of Eddie vs. Bradshaw.

Look kids: I'm all for a quality 25 minute TV main event and all.  But given how stultifying boring SD!'s overall direction has been, I'm just not sure that another rehash of feuds that weren't interesting the first time around is so wise.

I have not cried while watching something on TV since I was 9 or 10 and Spock died the first time I saw "The Wrath of Khan" on HBO.  I fear the reality of seeing Bradshaw continuing his program with Eddie on Thursday may drive me to tears, however....  thanks alot, SD!...  almost 20 years of Being A Man, and now you'll turn me into a simpering little girl with 2 hours of regurgitated nonsense.  Eddie/Bradshaw, Booker/Taker, Cena/Dupree!  Wheeeee!  SD! calls "do over"!

And I call for a re-instatement of Thursday nights as a Permanent Drinking Night on my Booze Schedule.  Something to numb the pain, anyway.


Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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