OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Great American Bash PPV Preview
June 25, 2004

OnlineOnslaught.com Exclusive Team Coverage
Compiled by Rick Scaia

Quick: who's actually gonna be watching the Great American Bash on Sunday? That's about what I thought.

Again, by show of hands: how many of you are actually still even watching SmackDown! every week? OK, at least a few of you there. To be honest, nobody was more stunned than I was when last night's show wound up featuring an outstanding 25-minute main event. Taker vs. Cena was the hands-down Match of the Week, and there ain't nothing "Impact" can do this afternoon to change that.

But that doesn't necessarily translate over to making me all that excited for Sunday's PPV. And I don't know if it means that the SD! brand is starting to turn the corner by putting the right people in the right spots or not, either. It was, though, a nice one-night treat.

Sadly, it's a treat that I don't think as many folks saw as should have. SD!'s been in the doldrums since Mania, and more than a few fans have turned their backs on it. I've taken to watching the show on heavy FF (takes me less than an hour, usually), and that makes me one of the more dedicated OO-ites. I know at least two of my trOOps have seen not a lick of SmackDown! in the last month.

And yet, because it is our duty to try to convince you to invest your time and/or money in a PPV, we're here to make our picks and analyses of all the announced matches. I'm almost thankful for the preponderance of foregone conclusions on this card: sure, it's a shitty line-up, but at least we should be able to get a couple matches right, ignorance notwithstanding! Thank you, 2 pointless squash matches! The ingrates over at WrestleLine will probably still kick our no-SD!-watching asses, but we'll try to keep it close!

Here's the OOfficial Preview of Sunday's Great American Bash PPV:

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
Bullrope Match for the WWE Title

It's the Main Event Rematch You've Been Dying To Miss For A Whole Month!

Fan apathy was palpable for Bradshaw's first PPV main event title shot at May's Vengeance: his new persona had been foisted upon fans out of left field, and his push to a title shot was predicated on chasing Mexicans in the dark. Seriously: he won the "Kurt Angle Great American" Award based on a video of chasing Mexicans in the dark. Is it any wonder Vengeance was one of the lowest grossing WWE PPVs since the Dark Days of the mid-90s?

So what do they do? They turn around and serve up a rematch a month later. And instead of broken trophies and chasing Mexicans, the feud has progressed to bad driving and left wing media conspiracies. All the makings of Red Hot Title Feud, right? No... well, I'm trying here, people. And I'm also not joking: the two most memorable exchanges between the two over the last month were Eddie hijacking JBL's limo and crashing it into stuff and then Bradshaw's admittedly-inspired and mostly-from-the-heart promo after he got fired from CNBC.

The first match had Bradshaw getting a DQ win after Eddie let his fiery Latin Temper get the better of him. Bradshaw will be the first to tell you that he Made Good On His Promise and went almost a half-hour in that match; but he'll probably be the last to cop to killing the pace of the match with a 10-minute mid-match Side Headlock of Doom and the fact that the only really memorable aspect of their first match was Eddie bleeding like no one has ever bled before on a WWE show. Seriously: it was sick, and he was gushing so bad he couldn't even keep the blood on his face! It was dripping down all over his chest...

So what are we supposed to try to get excited about here? The storyline and push of Bradshaw is just inadequate for a PPV main event. Last month's match didn't give us any reason to suspect we've got a sweet-ass ***** wrestling match to look forward to. Perhaps the best thing I can come up with to "sell" this match is that it should mark the end of Main Event Bradshaw, and maybe you'd like to be around to see that? No? Well, it's also a bullrope match, which might allow them to do a few kinda unique spots, and depending on which rule set they bust out, could also make for some exceptional drama that did not exist the first time out. [One way to do bullrope matches is to award the match to the first man who can successfully touch all four corners in succession, and that's been done to decent effect in the past.]

So c'mon, everybody! Let's all try to get excited! Let's (however many of us actually watch the show) fight the urge to flip the channel or leave Hooters before the main event! And let's all hope and pray that Eddie doesn't think he has to "save" the show again by losing 30% of his body's blood supply....

The OOutlOOk
Eddie wins: 7 votes --|-- Bradshaw wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
Perhaps I should preface this for everyone: I haven't watched a single episode of Smackdown! leading up to this PPV. I didn't watch a single episode of Smackdown! leading up to their last PPV either. I won't be watching the PPV, either: the Olympic Trials for gymnastics will be on, dammit!

So why am I here? Well, since my prediction percentage is abysmally bad anyway, I don't really give a shit how inaccurate my predictions may be here. Also, I've been drinking, as per usual, which makes this exercise slightly more tolerable.

Every match on this card is news to me, so I'd just like to say: what the fuck is a Bullrope Match? That sounds naughty. I can only assume that Bradshaw named this stipulation himself… and when a heel names his own gimmick match, he invariably loses. And besides, it's fucking Bradshaw. He's not going to win, and everyone knows it. At least, I hope he's not going to win. I'd never watch Smackdown! again if that happens. Then again, I don't watch Smackdown! anyway, so that's kind of an empty threat. Have I mentioned that I don't really care? Poor Eddie -- one of my favorite wrestlers reduced to fighting this Nazi fucker.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
Way back at Judgment Day, this was the one prediction I really was surprised didn't come true. I picked Eddie and figured that was a given. Well, Latino Heat never dropped the title, but he did end up getting the short end of the stick. But this time, I'm thinking things will be different. They HAVE to be.

In the olden days of wrestling, especially in the ethnic-friendly WWWF of the 70's, the babyface champion would fight the heel the evil heel challenger on three different occasions. The first time, the heel would win, and sometimes even on the second occasion. The third and final contest would have the babyface champion come out cleanly and decisively, and I'm thinking they're going for a similar formula here. Although… if they extend this crap to a third PPV, I may just have to scream.

The Cubs Fan Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
I'm not sure. I'm really not sure. I could see them doing Eddie vs JBL a third straight month, but only if JBL wins the title. I could see Eddie vs Mordecai at SummerSlam, with the title or not. The thing I noticed the other night, while looking up the upcoming schedule, is it's a long way from Great American Bash to SummerSlam. Something like seven weeks of TV in between. This feud didn't seem to have enough legs to make it to this month's PPV, so seven more weeks is out of the question. There doesn't seem to be sense, or money, in doing the blow off of two PPV main events on free TV, so it's gotta end right here. JBL loses on the number games; as shown by the guys being jammed into the card, there's a lot more pushed heels around who could be slung into a main event against Eddie than faces against JBL. If this title match was right after Layfield got fired by CNBC, I'd pick JBL to win the title, but with a little time after and not many pretty options, I'm taking Eddie.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.

Seeing Eddie get the better of JBL week in and week out for the past month now puts a bad feeling in my stomach. Now I'm forced with choosing between my common sense and the WWE's version of common sense. For now, I'm going to say my common sense wins out. Eddie will retain his title and we can get Adolf Bradshaw out of the main event scene. I'm sure that given the stip for this match, Eddie will have a pretty creative way to cheat his way to another victory.

Matt Hocking Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
I'd like to think that Bradshaw is coming to the end of his run at the championship. He can run for WWE president or something. I think when Bradshaw lost his network job, he lost a lot of luster, but they're stuck in the position of pushing him for another month. Bradshaw puts up a fight, but Eddie "cheats to win". Eddie feuds with somebody else.

Jeb Lund Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
Bradshaw’s nefarious plan to psyche out Eddie Guerrero fails after he tells Eddie that the rope they’re tied to is made of hemp. Fearful of breaking his Narcotics Anonymous promises, Eddie chews through the rope, freeing himself. Since Bradshaw is the only one left attached to it, Eddie ties one end of the rope to a ring post and loops the other end around Bradshaw’s neck. Then, Eddie brings a family of immigrants, bearing welfare checks, down the ramp. Like a stubborn dog, Bradshaw continually goose-steps at the immigrants and strains at the rope until he suffocates himself. At this point, a hole appears beneath him, and his corpse is swallowed by the Earth.

Big Danny T Says... Bradshaw d. Eddie Guerrero.
I hate to say it, But this is what I see happening. Bradshaw capturing the title is the only way to keep this storyline fresh. They've invested too much in the J"B"L character for them to shunt him down the card just yet, and Eddie has a teased date with Mordecai. Give J"B"L a month to go against whatever babyface they feel will make a good showing (RVD, or maybe even his old "boss" Undertaker), then plug back in with the feud with Eddie.

Rick Scaia Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw.
JBL burned us with the DQ win last month... nobody thought he could win, everybody knew it'd be SD! Suicide if they put the title on him. So they did the DQ finish to (a) screw with us know-it-all fans and (b) set the stage for the continuing feud and the Rematch Nobody Wanted. Bravo, WWE, but now it's time to stick a fork in Bradshaw, cuz he's done. He's been slightly more compelling at times during the last month, but it took being a Nazi and getting fired from his mainstream media job to coax it out of him... and there's still just not enough there to hang your title on. Eddie's got some other challenges lining up, and it's time for sweet, sweet closure on this, the Most Unwanted Feud of 2004. Eddie wins, clean.

UNDERTAKER vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ
"Concrete Crypt Match"

I've spent the better part of the last week declaring that I had no idea what the frick this match is supposed to be about. For one thing, predicating Taker's falling under Heyman's control on his concern for Paul Bearer seemed awfully thin and weak. For another, if Heyman has both Taker and the tag champs in his stable, why does he go out of his way to make them fight each other? He says that Paul Bearer will be buried alive if Taker doesn't do the "right thing" in this match, but what the hell is the right thing?

I was utterly baffled and confused. And then last night, it all came together. In a Heyman/Dudleys promo, WWE made that bafflement and confusion PART OF THE STORY, because apparently they don't have any idea what the hell is going on either. Bubba and D-Von wanted to know why Heyman made this match, what he's gonna make Taker do, and all Heyman could respond with was "Hey, this crypt thing I'm building is gonna be really awesome and anybody who doesn't want to pay money to see it will be sorry on Monday." I'm not joking. Heyman, who normally might have success selling running shoes to quadriplegics, has been reduced to shilling for a match based on a glass structure. Not even he tried to muster an ounce of logic or explanation.

So there you have it: WWE doesn't seem to have a grasp on what the point of this match is. How can I possibly do any better? At least until they get their heads out of their asses and realize they should just hire The Me to help reduce the Suck Factor that has been on a slow but steady rise lately.

I'll just tell you the very basics of what's happened so far, and you can figure out if you understand where they're going with this: (1) Paul Heyman exhorted the Dudleys to do something to impress him since they'd been on a losing streak, so (2) the Dudleys kidnapped Paul Bearer. This (3) pleased Heyman, as he now (4) had Bearer's urn. Heyman immediately (5) used the urn and threats of harm to Paul Bearer to gain control over the Undertaker. For the past 3 weeks, Taker has (6) done Heyman's bidding at every turn. And still, for reasons that elude me, Heyman still decided to announce (7) that he had signed a match in which His Undertaker would face His Dudley Boyz, and if Taker didn't do the "right thing," Paul Bearer would be covered in concrete and sealed in a glass crypt. You figure it out, kids, and if you can come up with a reason for me to care besides "Well, I like all three of these guys and maybe if they keep the nonsense to a minimum they'll put on a good match," let me know...

The OOutlOOk
Undertaker wins: 4 votes --|-- Dudleys win: 4 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Undertaker d. Dudley Boyz.
I don't quite understand the rules of this match, but I'm under the impression that Paul Bearer will end up dead if Taker doesn't lie down for this. I think. Bearer's a walking corpse anyway, so this match is being brought to you by the WWE Department of Redundancy Department.

I've always thought that Taker's been really underrated as a wrestler (same goes for the Dudley Boyz), so the match will probably be surprisingly good. For the last SD! PPV, I made the mistake of guessing that Taker would lose. At the time, I'd forgotten one important wrestling rule: Taker doesn't lose.

Ever see the two hours of shit known as the movie "Batman Forever," where Batman has to choose between saving Nicole Kidman and Chris O'Donnell, but he manages to save both of them anyway? (Even as a heterosexual female, I would have let O'Donnell die, but whatever.) Anyhow, I see the same sort of thing here: Taker wins, and somehow saves Bearer in the process. And guess what? I still don't care. And I actually like Taker.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Dudley Boyz d. Undertaker.
How many times have I been burned by thinking that The Phenom wouldn't, couldn't, come out on top of a situation, and yet he somehow triumphed? So I preface this prediction with the fact that practically EVERY TIME I've voted against The Undertaker in the past decade or so, I've been dead wrong. Pun not intended.

Here's the thing: The Dudleyz need this win to establish some sense of being dangerous heels on the SmackDown roster. Taker needs this loss because it (a) will save Paul Bearer's life and (b) allows him to completely turn heel, at least for a few months, and challenge Eddie Guerrero at SummerSlam.

That said, I can't remember the last time Undertaker lost on PPV. The only ones that jump out at me were losses to Hulk Hogan (2002) and Mankind (1998), so I'm still a bit skeptical that Bubba Ray and D-Von will join that elite group. Still, I'm sticking with my pick.

The Cubs Fan Says... Dudley Boyz d. Undertaker.
It makes more sense to have the Dudley Boyz win here - it's 2 on 1, the Dudleyz are the tag team champions and it's not the place to have control of the Undertaker blown off, so it furthers the story.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Undertaker d. Dudley Boyz.

My brain hurts trying to wrap my mind around what the hell "the right thing" is and where they are trying to go with all this crap. I'm going to try and block it out for now and go with the knowledge that the disadvantaged person in handicap matches wins them 9 out of 10 times. And especially since the disadvantaged person here is the Undertaker, I'm sure that he'll most certainly win. As far as the extracurriculars go, I predict it will be one of two really lame options. Either the Undertaker goes full on heel and we get the very cheesy death of Paul Bearer or the crypt will start filling but Taker will somehow bust through the unbreakable tomb and save Paul in a "heartfelt" moment.

Matt Hocking Says... Dudley Boyz d. Undertaker.
All indicators are that Paul Bearer is done with the WWE again, and so I don't see why he can't die here if the Undertaker does the "wrong thing" and doesn't job. Except that...uh...I don't think it's logistically possible to actually cover Paul Bearer with oatmeal and not actually kill him. Undertaker gets beat on for a while, gets pissed off, kills the Dudz, sees Paul getting covered in brown sugar and tasty oats, and gives the match up.

Jeb Lund Says... Dudley Boyz d. Undertaker.
After dominating early on, the Dudley Boys make several critical errors, allowing Undertaker to take control. He effortlessly bats them around the ring until a massive great white shark leaps from ringside and eats him whole. Michael Cole says, “We’re going to need a bigger boat,” while Tazz magically turns into Robert Shaw and begins singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home” with Joey Numbers – who we finally see for the first time in person and realize is actually Elliot Gould.

All would seem to be lost, until the referee disqualifies the shark, which regurgitates the only partially digested Undertaker. Because stomach acids have eaten away at Taker’s face, we see what lies underneath and finally realize that he is, in fact, a robot. This immediately justifies his plodding, awkward and uninventive ring work from the last decade. The Dudleys win after Paul Heyman rushes the ring with a giant speaker magnet and holds it near Undertaker’s head. This makes his programming go haywire for about five minutes.

In two weeks, Undertaker destroys all title contenders, softening them up for Bubba Ray, who is crowned champion at SummerSlam. Heyman is so overjoyed that he goes on a forty-seven day bender of drinking Galliano and having sex with apartment buildings. D-Von is crowned Miss Tobacco USA, and the Undertaker is melted down and recast as a Coleman Grillmaster 2000 Gas Barbecue/Smoker.

Paul Bearer is interred in a pylon in the New Jersey Meadowlands.

Big Danny T Says... Undertaker d. Dudley Boyz.
Yeah, I know that Paul Bearer faces cold, cementy death if the Undertaker doesn't "Do the Right Thing" (and here I was hoping Spike Lee would be involved, somehow), but come on, if you don't think 'Taker will find a way out of this (probably with brute force), you obviously haven't been watching TV for the past 10 years.

My prediction: Paul gets filled up to his neck, Undertaker decides he's had all he can stands, and he can't stands no more, then last rides both Dudz, punches through the container (causing Michael Cole to become some strange hybrid of JR and Joey Styles when he shrieks, "Oh My GOD!") freeing Paul, and Heyman eats a chokeslam for good measure.

Rick Scaia Says... Undertaker d. Dudley Boyz.
I have no fucking idea. Really. And I'm one of the ones STILL WATCHING SMACKDOWN!

I've been all over the place trying to decide who to pick and why in this match. Two weeks ago, you ask me, and I predict the superman finish in which Taker manages to beat the Duds in defiance of Heyman and then goes and rescues Paul Bearer from the "impenetrable" crypt at the very last second. Then in the last week, the buzz started going around that WWE doesn't want to use Bearer as Taker's on-screen partner anymore, and now another part of my Wrestling Logic Unit kicks in: they wouldn't build a stupid-ass "Concrete Crypt" if they don't intend to use it. Maybe Paul Bearer really will "die."

If so, then I'd think the right play would be to do this: Heyman demands Taker lie down for the Duds, but Taker won't. So Heyman starts the concrete flowing. Taker battles valiantly and heroically, now, as he's fighting the clock. But it's 2-on-1, and Taker can't get the win, and can't save Bearer in time. At the climactic moment when Paul Bearer's head is covered with goo and we see a few "death bubbles" or something, Taker is (a) distracted and (b) relieved of some portion of his Supernatural Powers (think Obi Wan Kenobi needing to sit down after the Death Star blew up that planet in Star Wars). So the Duds pounce and get a "cheap" win over the less-than-100% Taker. Then you do a post-match thing in which Paul Heyman, still owner of the urn, gets in the ring, and Taker has no choice but to once again pledge his allegiance to Heyman. I think that ALMOST would make sense out of this storyline, and I also think that after seeing Taker/Cena last night, this thing where Taker is Heyman's pawn has legs, and they can keep on doing it... this would be one way to get there.

All that said: I picked against Taker last month in a spot where him losing seemed like it would make some sense. So screw me finding some inner core of logic and a compelling out to this match... there's been no logic or anything compelling about this thing so far, anyway, and I am NOT picking against Taker again. I think they'll use the crypt, I think Paul Bearer will "die," and I think Taker will STILL win, just because he's the Undertaker and it's PPV. Whether he wins and in doing so somehow breaks free from Heyman or wins and somehow becomes Paul Heyman's unstoppable Killing Machine, I don't know... but win he will.

JOHN CENA vs. BOOKER T vs. ROB VAN DAM vs. RENE DUPREE
Elimination Match for the U.S. Title

Sadly, though Cena's in the ring with three Tough Challengers, the only way to tell the story of why is to point out that the REAL story here is Cena vs. General Manager Kurt Angle. And that's sort of spirit-crushing, since you begin to realize how much fun Cena vs. Angle might be, except that it can't happen just yet due to Kurt's health status. Instead: a hodge-podge of a four-way.

Here's how it went down...

Cena dispatched Rene Dupree at the PPV last month, much to the chagrin of Angle (who finds Cena's edginess to be an unwelcome facet of His Show, and which constantly causes him headaches with the network censors and higher-ups). Angle decided to make it his mission to relieve Cena of his US Title... so to soften him up and to determine a new #1 Contender, Angle forced Cena to wrestle three men in a row several weeks back. The one who beat Cena would get the US Title shot.

So of course, none of them could beat Cena, further enraging Angle, who decided that his best shot for getting Cena to drop the gold would be to make him fight not one man at the PPV, but fight THREE men. So he made the Fatal Fourway match. And then, a week later, he decided to up the ante: instead of a usual Fatal Fourway where you only have to score one decision to win the match, Cena's title defense would be an Elimination Match... he'd have to outlast all three men if he wants to hold onto his title.

To be honest, this is not an unappealing match at all. They've done a nice job keeping plenty of cross-ways animosity, for instance: Cena and Dupree have heat going back to last month, Booker and RVD have the same since they broke up as a tag team 2 months ago, RVD and Cena have even had their flare-ups, as have Booker and Dupree. And actually, I think all four of these guys bring enough to the ring that they can certainly have an entertaining match. Seriously! Even Dupree... he does the French Tickler dance, and that's an excuse for Tazz to bust out the "I'm a French Guy" song. Puts a smile on my face, at least.

The OOutlOOk
Booker T wins: 5 votes --|-- Dupree wins: 1 vote
Cena wins: 1 vote --|-- RVD wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Rene Dupree wins.
A four-way? You mean I can't flip a coin? Dammit.

Uh… Dupree wins? I don't know. Maybe if I'd seen the show recently, I'd have some idea of who has momentum or all that shit. But I figure SD! needs all the new stars it can get, so why not make one out of Dupree? As for the match itself: Cena will be all, "Word Life! Deez nuts! Thuganomics!" and RVD will be all, "Dude, calm down. Don't rappers smoke weed? 'Cause you're way too tense for a guy who should be a pothead," and Booker will be doing Spinaroonies in the corner and thus making himself too busy to be a factor. Dupree takes advantage of the chaos and gets the win. Hopefully, the French Dance will be involved. That move is awesome, and should be a finisher. It probably already is in Japan, and Dupree is just way ahead of the curve. Punch and pie for everyone!

Canadian Bulldog Says... John Cena wins.
Cena still has a chance to regain that "Stone Cold Steve Austin circa 1996" quality that experts such as… uh, me, predicted for him last year. To do that, he needs to keep rebelling against authority, and what better way to shove that down our throats than having him overcome the odds? This would have been a far more interesting match as Cena Vs. Booker, one-on-one, but there's nothing anyone can do about that now. As it stands, there's always the possibility RVD or Dupree could sneak out a win while Cena's distracted, but I just don't see it.

The Cubs Fan Says... Booker T wins.
It's time to move Cena on to something new, so I'm not picking here. RVD being rumored to sign an extension for the millionth time doesn't convince me, so I think it comes down to the WWE deciding if Rene is ready for a singles belt. He's not. This is the first time Booker's gotten a chance at any US Title say he gave up the WCW version to Kanyon during the Invasion, and I think he'll get win it, for the second time.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Booker T wins.

Dupree will be the first man to go. Then RVD will be disposed of. That leaves Cena and Booker which was seemingly the originally planned matchup. Cena at this point certainly doesn't need the title, but I personally think Booker does. Cena can continue his feud with Angle/Luther while Booker can go on and feud with RVD and a number of other guys.

Matt Hocking Says... Booker T wins.
Rene is an easy first elimination because he's so young and the guys above him are so much better established. RVD would be better served at this point chasing a top heel, and Cena doesn't need the title. The time that the title needed Cena has also past. Cena is approaching a feud with Kurt once he's healthy, which doesn't need the U.S. title muddling things up. So this leaves Booker T who is a respectable a champion as any, and a nice little feud with RVD could be just the thing to pull him out of his post WrestleMania slump. I say Cena gets the pin on Dupree much to the chagrin of Kurt Angle, and then Booker runs the table against RVD and Cena (through somewhat questionable means, possible interference by either Angle or Luther) in the best non-cruiser match of the night.

Jeb Lund Says... Rob Van Dam defeats John Cena with interference from Booker T, who was eliminated by count-out after Cena ejected him from the ring via a trebuchet. Prior to this, Booker eliminates a disturbingly erect mime named “Derrida Cookie Satchmo,” by throwing Viagra up the ramp and watching the mime scrabble out of the ring to lick the pills off the metal beneath the Titantron. Prior to this, Derrida Satchmo murders Rene Dupree, who had already slaughtered his own dog and bathed in its blood while chanting, “Ze time for ze purification eez at hand, no?”
BANK ON IT!!!

Big Danny T Says... Booker T wins.
Can't really give any real reason for this pick other than it feels right.

Rick Scaia Says... Booker T wins.
OK: so the most compelling thing about this match is the fact that it's all been arranged by Kurt Angle, cuz Angle hates Cena. I'm looking ahead, and I'm thinking Angle vs. Cena, maybe at SummerSlam. And kids, that one don't need the US Title to be entertaining. [Though a non-PPV-affiliated prediction might be that unless Cena rediscovers his non-lame humor, they'll run the risk of Angle being the babyface in said confrontation.]

They really set the stage for Cena dropping the title: he's got Angle working against him, he's at less than 100% after getting wasted by Taker on Thursday, and he's gotta beat three men to hold the title. I don't see it happening. Angle and/or Luther Reigns will bring about Cena's demise.

The other three? Well, Rene Dupree ain't taking the belt; his day will come, but it's not here yet. So in my head, we come out of this match with RVD and Booker T feuding over the US Title while Cena goes and gets occupied with Angle and Dupree... ummm, Dupree hopefully finds something to do, but there sure is a log-jam of mid-card heels the Fed is trying to push, ain't there? I could go either way between RVD and Booker... but on the grounds that I always think title feuds are better with the babyface chasing, let's give Booker the title on Sunday, and let RVD go after him at SummerSlam, maybe. Works for me.

REY MYSTERIO vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Cruiserweight Title Match

There isn't a whole lot of story here, but that's also not the point. On a card as weak as this one, the point is that if WWE plays it smart and gives these two upwards of 15 or even 20 minutes, they can steal the thing and give fans at least one really positive memory from the show.

Please: I'm begging ya... speed through the undercard crap, and save plenty of time for these guys to remind us all why we should care deeply about the Cruiserweight Division!

Storywise, here's all we got: Chavo Guerrero got beat for the CW Title by his own dad in a fluke. But that storyline was aborted when Chavo Classic got fired. Classic still showed up for one last title defense, and in that match, Rey Mysterio beat him to take the belt. Just last night, Chavo Regular outlasted 9 other men to win a CW Battle Royal and earn a PPV title shot.

There's not a lot of sizzle there, and it's kind of too bad we didn't get closure on what could have been a fun father/son feud... but this is also the most sensible play to make for the CW Title, since Chavo's done great work as a heel so far this year, and Rey is so over with fans that he instantly legitimizes any match he's in. If the CW division was put into disarray in the last few weeks, there's no two better guys to call in for mop up duty. They'll put the CW Title firmly back on the map, and if given the chance (PLEASE give them the chance), they'll positively steal the show with an outstanding match.

The OOutlOOk
Rey wins: 7 votes --|-- Chavo wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
I thought that Chavo Sr. was the champion, but I did a quick bit of research and found out that he decided not to look like and idiot on national TV and dropped the title. Good for you, buddy. Maybe everyone should stage a walkout and demand that Paul Heyman becomes head booker. This is a shenanigan!

This match should be pretty good if they give it enough time (and they probably will, if there are only six bouts on the card.) Beyond that? Still don't give a flying fuck.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
To think: We were this close to having it be Chavo Classic, not his punk kid, in the match…

Seriously, this is a great matchup. It was terrific at No Way Out, had its moments during (a brief bout at) WrestleMania. So I have no problem with this one happening for a third time on PPV.

If we think that the booking plans were leading to Los Chavos feuding, then it would have made sense to give Rey the win. Even without that happening, keep Chavo Jr. in the "frustrated challenger" role for a bit longer isn't bad either.

The Cubs Fan Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
Chavo winning would mean hitting the reset button back to WMXX, and as startling successes the Jacqueline and Chavo Classic reigns were, I do not think it'd be a bad thing. Still, you're stuck with Rey chasing Chavo, and there doesn't seem to be a big desire to do that. My thinking is, in a dead division, you keep the title on the most over guy and try feuds you haven't (Rey vs Noble, Rey vs Nunzio, Rey vs Shannon), but I'm not convinced that's what the WWE is thinking. I'll take Rey anyway.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.

I picked Rey even though I believe the belt belongs on Chavo. The reasoning behind my pick is that it seems too soon to flip the title over again. The title is already losing credibility by the day so I think it would be better to have Rey keep it for awhile and then ultimately have Chavo regain it. The WWE should realize that this card is very thick and should give these two a lengthy amount of time to have a really great match but I know they won't. Heaven forbid we take away any time from other great talent like JBL.

Matt Hocking Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
Is anyone else kind of sick of this combination? The WWE is right to hold its faith in the division with these two men, but a fresher challenge would be nice. What's wrong with Nunzio? Anyway, it should be a good match, but while they've been forced into this situation due to the Chavo Classic trouble, I don't think the WWE wants to not only switch the title again in this short of a spance of time, but give the belt back to Chavo of all people. Chavo's runs with the title are done for at least a couple months, he's just convenient as a challenger here.

Jeb Lund Says... Chavo Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
The bell rings, and the two indefatigable warriors meet each other’s steely gaze. Side-stepping and feinting, the two circle each other without ever losing contact with the other’s eyes… the other’s intentions. As if to test both fear and aggression (and, lest we forget, doubt), both offer forth their arms, their fingers slicing and tapping at air. Neither man moves forward, but instead slides his arm forward, ever forward, inch by inch, awaiting the assault, the action of the other.

Finally, the fingers meet and lock, and Rey wrenches Chavo toward him with such vehemence that Chavo is caught unawares and soon finds himself in Rey’s unrelenting embrace. Bound together, body to body, they lock arms, each in the fiercest hold of base passion. Rey’s deft tongue flicks its way past the restraint that is his mask (and what of the mask? Do we not all wear masks at times – afraid of who we are and what we love?) and finds its partner in Chavo’s mouth, another tongue, furious and fearful, yet supple: giving, frightened, yet giving more, ever more, yes. Rey grips him more tightly and falls backward to the mat, yes, and, Chavo says yes, and Rey thinks, “As well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me yes would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.” Chavo picks up the pin to regain the belt.

Big Danny T Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
Well, since the departure of Chavo Classic threw a big wrench into the workings of the Cruiserweight title (such as it is), I see a big reset button being punched here and we just resume the Chavo vs. Rey feud.

Rick Scaia Says... Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero.
To me, logic would dictate trying to get the Cruiserweight Division to the point where they wanted it to be at the conclusion of the inevitable-but-aborted father/son feud: namely, with Chavo holding the belt. I think Chavo beating Rey to regain the title would be a smart move, and it would let WWE do with Chavo whatever they'd intended after he got the title back from his dad.

But screw logic: maybe there's residual bitterness or something and WWE will try to punish the father by punishing the son. Maybe they think that without Chavo Classic to do his cheating, Chavo Regular can't score a win over Rey without it diminishing Mysterio. Maybe somebody actually realizes that the CW Title could use a little push into the spotlight and Rey's the man who can get it there. Whatever the case, I'm bucking logic because it just FEELS like WWE will go with Rey Mysterio holding this belt for a while. As long as the matches (this one against Chavo included) are good and given time to mean something, I won't complain.

KENZO SUZUKI vs. BILLY GUNN
Very Special Grudge Rematch

Um, Beavis?

As if a Shitty Main Event Rematch didn't do enough damage to the GAB's marketability, the utter craptacularity of the slapped-together undercard should finish the job.

So, the deal here is that Suzuki debuted a few weeks back, and dominated a few Cruiserweights. Then last night, he got his first Real Test, in the form of Billy Gunn. In fact, Gunn seemed poised to hand Suzuki a loss when Kenzo's handy geisha interjected herself and blinded Gunn with a handful of salt to the eyes. It WAS a loss for Suzuki, afterall, but only via DQ. The moral victory was his.

And after such a hotly-contested match, fans were just CLAMMORING for closure. So sure enough, we've got ourselves a rematch on the PPV. I can tell you with a straight face and in all honesty: this is EVERY BIT AS THRILLING as our Eddie/JBL rematch!

The OOutlOOk
Suzuki wins: 7 votes --|-- Gunn wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
The only thing worse than watching a Bob Holly match is watching a Billy Gunn match. Honestly, I'd rather watch the divas walk around in thongs and shake their asses at the camera.

[Pause for The Rick to pull The Broad aside and whisper something to her.]

Oh -- so they're already doing that? Shit. Okay, so if I was actually going to see this PPV, I'd rather watch scantily-clad divas (despite my hetero status) than this match. The point still stands. I will now predict this match with a long-proven scientific method: the coin toss.

Suzuki wins! How 'bout that?

Canadian Bulldog Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
What, exactly, is the point of giving us not one, but two PPV matchups featuring the tag team known collectively as "Hardcore Ass"? Seriously – was anyone ASKING for this to happen? Are there a ton of Billy Gunn marks out there that I don't know about? The only way this guy could EVER be over again would be the bring back Road Dogg and do the whole 'New Age Outlaws Reunion 2.0' thing. And whatever happened to making him a heel, as it looked like they were doing back in January? Sorry, went off on a tangent there…

I'm not as hard on Suzuki as some other out there, but I don't see this guy exactly setting the ring on fire, either. He probably won't be able to get a decent match out of Gunn, the guy who even Chris Benoit couldn't make look good, just ain't gonna happen. In that case… might as well give the rub to the new guy.

The Cubs Fan Says... Billy Gunn d. Kenzo Suzuki.
They've got to do something more than Kenzo than just have him beat up Cruiserweights, since you've got quite a few doing the same thing. Since Kenzo got the screwy win on Thursday, maybe Gunn gets that back here, and they turn it into an actual rivalry (which no one wants to watch, but hey.)

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.

I could go the easy route and say "see thoughts from Mordecai match" but I'll add a little more. While not that much better in the ring, I like the old school feel of Kenzo's character. The manager and the throne are all nice touches. Hopefully, he can fine tune his skills and maybe become a decent star but I'm not holding my breath. I will chuckle when Cole will list Gunn's accomplishments (KotR winner, bazillion time tag team champ) as if that will actually make us believe he has a chance.

Matt Hocking Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
Damn...Another one of these, huh? Billy's honestly got nothing going on right now, and they seem intent on pushing Kenzo, so why not? Billy gets in some "veteran offense," but interference by Kenzo's Geisha-style support gives him the win.

Jeb Lund Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
The Asian Load will defeat the American Load.

Ordinarily, I go with the evil I know. But I’m confident that the good people at WWE Trainwrecks Inc. want the evil we don’t know to become a household name. Therefore, I foresee both of them waving at each other with fans for two minutes. Kenzo will have a Japanese fan; The Load, a wide antebellum fan from God knows where. Having blown air at each other for 120 seconds, both will collapse from mutual cardiac events. Kenzo will crawl across the ring and drape one hand over The Load’s heaving palpitating chest. The EMTs will surely have oxygen masks on both of them by the end of the three-count. Thus, we will crown the Asian Load.

Big Danny T Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
Same as above with Mordecai/Holly. Look for it to go about 7-10 minutes, Ending with Billy eating a 'Setting Sun' and allowing Kenzo to move on to a program with RVD, maybe.

Rick Scaia Says... Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn.
OK, so here's the deal: the Fed put two fucking throw-away squash matches on the PPV. But I refuse to believe that they'll just give us the "expected." No, no: they hear us bitching about a shitty PPV line-up, they see us making "no brainer" predictions, and they want to shove it in our stupid faces. So maybe I'm overthinking, but I don't see these two ricockulous squashes going by the book. Remember: JBL got a DQ win over Eddie just a month ago. That said: Billy Gunn, you're NOT the lucky winner of the Rick Hyper-Obsesses And Overthinks In An Attempt To Justify A Match Being On the Card Award. You will job, and probably ignominiously. Kenzo, likely with an assist from his handy geisha, gets the W and moves on to continue log-jamming the mid-card heel ranks.

MORDECAI vs. BOB HOLLY
Special Velocity Match

And you thought it couldn't get any worse? WRONG! We travel several more steps down the Pointless Nonsense Continuum, here, with a match that's got EVEN LESS reason for happening than Suzuki/Gunn! Still: Way to both get on the PPV, Grumpy Old Men! I knew they wouldn't let those young whippersnappers steal all the spotlight and spirit them away to the nursing home that is Velocity!

Here's what passes for this match's justification....

Mordecai debuted last month at the PPV, and has spent the past several weeks alternating between destroying Cruiserweights and cutting promos promising to make the heathens all pay for their sins. It almost seemed like they were giving his character a direction when he clearly named lying, cheating, stealing Eddie Guerrero as one of the most prolific of all sinners.

So of course they follow up on that by having Mordecai pop out from behind a door, in the middle of a Heated Brawl with Bob Holly. Yeah, I don't understand, either. But it happened right in front of Kurt Angle, so he decided, "What the hell, it's not like we don't have plenty of room on his pathetic piece of crap PPV, so why don't you two fight there, instead?"... and VOILA, we have a PPV match!

The OOutlOOk
Mordecai wins: 7 votes --|-- Holly wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly
Mordecai is someone WWE would like to make a star. Bob Holly will never be a star, no matter how hard they try. Mordecai wins. I don't see how beating a jobber will elevate someone, but whatever. And is it just me, or does Bob Holly seem like the type of guy who'll live to at least age 93 and spend most of his final years out on his front porch, waving his cane at young whippersnappers who have the audacity to walk on his grass, which is already in a sorry state because he's too old to mow it himself? I'm not alone? Good.

I hate not being able to say much about a match, so I'll just go off on a tangent here. Did you know that you can watch four hours of "The X-Files" on any given weeknight? TNT, the Sci-Fi channel, and WGN all show reruns late at night -- a fact that I just discovered last week. I'm hooked, and I fully revel in my geekdom.

So, yeah. Mordecai wins. Whoopty-shit.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.
Now let us never speak of this again.

The Cubs Fan Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.
I think they've got bigger plans for Mordecai than feuding with Hardcore Holly. He'll go over here in an attempt to pretend it's moving him up a level.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.

To quote Gorilla Monsoon, "Give me a break". In fact reanimating his corpse so he could announce this match is about the only way it would be watchable. The fans are screwed either way as we either get a short squash that proves to be pointless or we get a lengthier match between two bad workers. As sick as it sounds, I would not care one bit if one or the other worked sloppy and injured the other.

Matt Hocking Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.
What are we running Velocity picks now? What? This match is actually scheduled for the PPV?! NO! Yeah, yeah, ok...Uh...Mordecai wins because he's new and they're not doing anything with Bob.

Jeb Lund Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.
Holly’s rage gets the better of him, here. After Mordecai gets on top of him for a submission move, Holly goes nuts. Blinded by his own hatred for “yung boahs who doan’ repec’ thuh bizness,” he forgets that Mordecai is dead weight in the ring and breaks his neck. Mordecai’s corpse crushes all the air out of Holly. Mordecai picks up the win, bringing death to Holly as well, and insane jubilation to all fans. Their carcasses are flash-fried and diced, then served to Rene Dupree’s dog. Little does Gimmick Frenchie Pooch know, but it is to be his/her last meal as well. Oh, the irony.

(There is hope for wrestling fans: after Dupree’s dog is killed, it’s grilled and fed to Big Boss Man. While eating the animal, he’s forced to watch tapes of 1960s Civil Rights demonstrations. With any luck, he might choke to death.)

Big Danny T Says... Mordecai d. Bob Holly.
You're kidding, right? No other reason for this match but to give Mordecai a victory over a "name" wrestler. Sure, Bob will put up a good fight, and might even carry him into a good 7-10 minute affair. But in the end, it'll be Mordecai that will come up with the win so he can move on to his program with Eddie.

Rick Scaia Says... Bob Holly d. Mordecai.
And here's where I get nutty just for the sake of being nutty. Actually, you know what: I'm not being nutty, I'm just busting out the Attempted Fantasy Booking on the grounds that my way would be better than the obvious.

Everybody thinks they're getting a squash and an easy 5 minute win for Mordecai. Why give it to them? Here's a way to semi-surprise people AND give the Mordecai character his first real "hook" that fans can latch onto:

Do the match, let Holly hang tough for a bit, but in the end Mordecai stops the momentum and is well on his way to victory. But then, something in Mordecai snaps, and he feels the Deep Desire to punish Sinner Bob Holly. He can use his Magic Staff or some other new device/object, but he just goes medieval on Holly, forcing the ref to call for the DQ. You can either do it that way, or you could even have Mordecai score the win, and do his attack post-match, forcing the ref to reverse his decision or something. Point is, Mordecai ends the segment standing tall over a brutally beaten sinner, but also a loser via technicality. Fans get a mild surprise and also an indication that this Mordecai cat isn't so much about winning and losing as he is about doling out punishment to the sinners. It's a hook you can build on in coming weeks, too, especially if you want to get this guy to the point where fans will care enough about him that you can feed him to Eddie...

That's not too nutty, is it? I don't think so.... of course, as is always the case with my many good ideas that I give away for free, it won't happen this way. I'm sure Mordecai will win, and all I've accomplished here is further decimating my already-embarrassing PPV predictions percentage. Call it chivalry: I'm trying to make sure Erin has company in the Prognostication Basement... poor girl actually thinks Rene Dupree is gonna win, so this pick is the least I can do. At least you all can know she's not joking about getting blitzed to do these picks: ignorance of SD! alone isn't a good enough excuse to make Rene Dupree the US Champ! Then again, I'm stone cold sober right now, and I'm picking Bob Holly over Mordecai, so what the fuck's my excuse? Oh right: to flex my big Fantasy Booking Muscles and make sure everybody knows that My Way is better than WWE's Way. I rule, no matter WHAT the PPV picks rankings say!

THE EXTRAS
Or, "Do we have anything else that might save this show?"

The rigors and demands of running as tight a ship as I do here at Online Onslaught means that I have to send out the OOfficial PPV Card and request for predictions before SD! actually airs. Which means I basically guessed at the card based on spoilers, and told my boys (and Erin) to just pick the six most logical matches that I could see being put on the PPV.

So no official picks for Torrie vs. Sable, which is right up there with last month's Torrie vs. Dawn match in terms of complete pointlessness beyond eating up TV time on an anemic show. If it's not predicated on partial nudity, there's really no reason to have the women wrestling on SD!... put 'em in a bikini contest, make 'em wrestle in gravy, whatever, but don't ask 'em to play it straight. Not only are the results usually forgettable (at best), but it kinda makes it harder for fans to take the women wrestling on RAW seriously, too.

So anyway, there will be no picks for Torrie vs. Sable, here, although that match IS HAPPENING. This hiccup didn't stop the trOOps from chiming in with a few thoughts about what other extras WWE might have in store for us... some of them are definitely diva-related, as we DID already know that Torrie, Sable, Jackie, and Dawn are supposed to be our "hostesses" for the evening. So here's a few other things you can (maybe) look forward to...

The OOutlOOk

Erin Anderson Says... GYMNASTICS RULZ AND THIS PPV DRULZ~!
To reiterate: I won't be seeing this show. I don't have to work on Sunday, so that's not the problem. But gymnastics will be on TV, dammit. Here's one more prediction for you: this PPV will suck giant quantities of hairy donkey dick. I don't care if Eddie and Bradshaw bust out a 5-star classic for the ages (they won't, but this is strictly hypothetical. Just go with me on this.) Nobody will care. I went to Hooters for RAW's last PPV, and I was struck by how small the crowd was -- and this was a PPV for a brand that had been regularly kicking ass since Wrestlemania and boasted a Hell in a Cell match between two of the best WWE performers of the last ten years.

You think fans will bother making the trip to a local bar to watch this, let alone pay for this show?

Canadian Bulldog Says...
Torrie and/or Dawn Marie and/or Sable and/or Miss Jackie Over Torrie and/or Dawn Marie and/or Sable and/or Miss Jackie
(Winner: WHO CARES?)

Let's see… one woman killed the other's father; then they ended up making out; another woman tortured the first one because of their dueling roles in Playboy; and then they posed together and became friends before feuding with each other again; then you have Miss Jackie, whom NO ONE can get along with…

This isn't wrestling; this is Fucking One Live to Life!!!

What is the point of this? Sure, you have four relatively attractive women (Dawn Marie being the Bulldog's personal pick here), with very little storyline or reason for the match. It was annoying when I went to a SmackDown taping last month; how could it be any less painful to watch on a show where people will be DESPERATELY demanding at least some compelling wrestling matches?

I mean, at least somehow get Trish in there and I wouldn't complain too loudly. But still… who the hell cares?

Other Predictions

In the grand tradition of the Great American Bash, Bradshaw will lose his match because of excessive blood loss from the forehead. No, but it would cool to see SOME attempt to connect with the original event, as they've opted to do for people who will be watching on the webcast. I figure they'll either do a kick-ass opening with lots of old GAB footage or maybe just maybe… have Ric Flair come out to warm up the partisan Norfolk crowd? Or even Arn Anderson? Or (even if he's working loosely with TNA), Dusty Rhodes? Or Sting? Or what about The Road Warriors? Certainly, they haven't been in the spotlight lately and… oh. Right. Anyhoo…

Following John Cena's victory, I could see Kurt Angle trying to make life miserable for him, somehow… One last thought: would it have KILLED them to put Mark Jindrak in a match on the show? I'm not crazy about him, but he's not that bad in the ring and has a great manager in his corner. That ought to count for something in the midst of this watered-down roster.

Unfortunately (heh heh heh), I'm going to have to take a pass on this one. Not only is my movie theater connection not going to pan out this month, but by the time you suckers are settling down for Bradshaw-Guerrero II, I'll be on an airplane fresh from a weekend in The Big Apple. WWE wasn't able to convince me to change my travel plans this time around.

The Cubs Fan Says...
This is one of those cards where burying the cruiserweights (and others who could work) really hurts, because it screams out for a good match to be a late addition to the card. There's many combinations of guys that could provide a match that'd be technically excellent, but the crowd has been taught they're food breaks, so I expect a cold reaction.
I'll guess Akio/Sakoda vs London/Kidman on Heat, with that sort of non- loud reaction.

I think there's a good chance of me going 0 for everything here.

Adam Gutschmidt Says...

Same old, same old with the Diva Hostess: Tepid catfighting that won't reveal any skin and only cause an arousal in the toothless guy wearing an old, ratty nWo t-shirt.

BONUS PREDICTIONS

Cole and Tazz will try to compare the greatness of this show to GAB's of the past.

Many shots will be shown of U.S. troops in the audience.

I will be severly drunk by the time 10:40 rolls around.

Matt Hocking Says...
1. Rico and Charlie Haas will have some sort of comical backstage interaction to make sure that everybody doesn't forget they exist while Rico is injured.

2. The concept of the Oatmeal Bath match will still not be clear even after it is over.

3. The WWE will run at least one "History of the Great American Bash" vignette which is heavy on WWE guys.

4. Angle and Luther will have no fewer than 3 viginettes complaining about how much they hate John Cena and/or Eddie Guerrero which will be interrupted by either of those two men.

Big Danny T Says...
Look for hilarity to ensue as Funaki tries to revenge himself on Luther. Of course, there will be the obligatory Diva shenanigans: I pick Torrie over Sable. I wouldn't be surprised if they threw a Mark Jindrak squash in as a throwaway match in all this as well.

Rick Scaia Says...
They SHOULD serve us up another Cruiserweight match. A free suggestion: after their very-entertaining interaction in the battle royal last night, hook Paul London and Nunzio up with a 10 minute time slot on the PPV, and you'll make the entire night a little more tolerable, WWE!

They WILL serve up something pointless like Torrie/Sable in a Not Predicated On Nudity Match. Luckily, they should also be serving up plenty of bethonged ass in other segments, since Torrie, Sable, Dawn, and Jackie are all going to be around in "hostess" roles, and there had been talk a month or so ago of taking advantage of the location to do some sort of Beach-themed triathlon of events. It won't save the show, but at least it'll be more fun to look at than Paul Bearer's doughy form or a pair of Velocitastic matches!

A final additional prediction: I may well have to pull a Solitary Man. A recent canvassing of my Wrestling Buddies turned up a grand total of zero interest in this show. My own interest is so low that I flat-out refuse to shell out $35 for this show and invite people over for a free look, too. If I'm going to have to fork over more than the usual $5 share of a PPV price tag, I'll just suck it up and go sit alone at the bar at Hooters, and feel secure in the knowledge that my money is going towards over-priced draft beer, over-greased food, and patronizing small talk from orange-clad waitresses who feel sorry for the Wrestling Dork What's Got No Friends instead of towards encouraging WWE to ever, in the history of time and space, present such a weak-ass PPV line-up again. Two in a row of these stinkers is enough, thank you.

I'm not entirely sure I made any additional sales for WWE with this document... I sure haven't accomplished anything remotely akin to making myself more interested in the show. In fact, I dare say the fine contributions from the trOOps made this document a more entertaining read than the final product we're previewing will be. Or something.

Actually, for all my big talk, I don't expect the Bash will suck entirely. The US and CW Title matches should be very good. It's just that even if they are good, they are surrounded by things that probably aren't. And even if every match on the show is tolerable, the thing that most sucks is that they'll put together a tolerable show, but nobody will see it because nobody cares. Much like Taker/Cena last night kicking ass in a vacuum, there's just no context for anything good at the Bash to end up truly compelling or memorable.

The stultifying blandness is SD!'s main trait lately. They don't outright suck, they just haven't put on a single storyline (much less an entire 2 hour show!) that really sinks its claws into fans and makes them excited about the product. I find myself feeling more and more like lumping SD! in with TNA: I don't hate it, in fact, I can watch it and enjoy parts of it, but I can't come even close to really caring what comes next.

That said, this is still a WWE PPV, and I haven't missed one of those without a good excuse in a long, long time (yes, last fall's Yankees World Series game was a Good Excuse, dammit!). However I have to do it, I'll be seeing this show on Sunday, and I'll be reporting the results here around midnight for the (probably many) folks who won't be seeing the show for themselves. So let's wrap this thing up, and I'll see you Sunday night with the complete Great American Bash PPV Recap.

I'll take the bullet for you people. You can thank me later.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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OOTRR: Great American Bash 2004 Re-Revued

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