by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Spoil away, you sick freaks....

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Garrison Cade beat Maven
• Victoria beat Gail Kim, thanks to an assist from Stevie-in-drag
• Val Venis beat Some Guy
• Tajiri beat Chuck Palumbo

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• The FBI beat the Bashams
• Charlie Haas beat Mark Jindrak
• Paul London and Billy Kidman got a DQ win over the Dudley Boyz (non-title) in what was said to be a very good match

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Kurt Angle opened the show with a promo, and basically introduced new WWE Champion, Bradshaw, for a celebration.  Eventually, JBL himself came out, talked about how great he was, and promised to be a fighting champion, with a defense, right here, tonight.
• Booker T beat Rene Dupree and Rob Van Dam in a triple threat match to earn himself another US Title shot.  OK match, finish had RVD read to win, but Booker scooped the pinfall by shoving RVD out of the ring after a Frog Splash and stealing the win.
• Backstage:  JBL makes the announcement that his opponent tonight will be... a Dudley!  Nearby, Bubba and D-Von get excited. Until JBL makes the predictable proclamation that he meant SPIKE Dudley.  Wheee!  And elsewhere backstage: Luther Reigns tells referee Charles Robinson that he screwed up in the Torrie/Sable match at the PPV, so he'd better get it right tonight in the rematch. Or else.
• Torrie Wilson beat Sable via pinfall.  About as thrilling a wrestling match as you might guess, from what I've been told.  Although nobody spotted any obvious controversy, Luther still comes out after the match and tells Li'l Naitch that he screwed up, and his punishment is a match.  Right now.  Against Luther.  Before anything bad can happen, Charlie Haas runs in and makes the save.
• Big Mid-Show Promo: Paul Heyman is out, and brags about what he accomplished at the Bash PPV, says Undertaker is now under his control.  Cue the Spooky Lights.  Taker comes up on the TitanTrons, and says he's not controlled by any man, and if he did what he did to Paul Bearer (someone he liked), and if he really killed his own conscience, then imagine what he might still do to Paul Heyman. OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, NASTY!  Taker fades out, Heyman looks as though he may have soiled himself.
• Rey Mysterio beat Mordecai.  Sorry, Se7en, looks like the party's over for you.  Personally, I blame the idiots who think a PPV match with Bob Holly is the answer to anything!  And also the person who thought bleaching the eyebrows would help.  Rey escaped the Razor's Edge and rolled Mordecai up for the surprise win.
• Another Promo: Kenzo Suzuki is out in his usual grand style, but it's to talk.  In Japanese.  I guess the crowd was "What-ing" him in true 2001 fashion.  Finally, John Cena is out to the make the save, and cuts a promo on Suzuki in his own dialect (i.e. "affected white boy street").  Actually, my cynicism aside, this was said to be very funny.  Then again, some people thought Cena and Booker  a month ago was funny, too.  And they were wrong.  
• Bradshaw beat Spike Dudley to retain the WWE Title.  Match was a Spike Specialitay: doing his level best to make a much bigger opponent seem like a bad ass.  It didn't come near his epics against Bam Bam Bigelow, but I guess it was adequate.  And mostly, after Spike finally did the clean job, it was only really an excuse for the post-match angle: Eddie Guerrero came out and attacked Bradshaw.  Bradshaw escaped, but Eddie got on the mic and made an announcement... that in his contract, he had a clause that allowed him a rematch for the WWE Title, in a match of HIS choosing.  So Eddie announced that in two weeks, he would challenge Bradshaw in a Steel Cage Match.  It's SD!'s idea of Free Per View, baby!  [Show ends here, but the live crowd got another in the on-going string of Bradshaw-gets-squashed-by-Undertaker happy endings.]

Well, it looks like Luther and Suzuki have won in the "Which new heels are we gonna keep randomly pushing" sweepestakes.  Mordecai and Jindrak are you losers.  I guess maybe we be happy that they're narrowing it down, and that one of these weeks, we'll have us a focused show where SD! knows who its go-to guys are?

Yeah, let's say that: baby steps forward.  Except for the part where I'm really confused and upset about how they held our PPV dollars hostage so that they could do the blow-off to Eddie/JBL on a random Thursday night.  At least, I HOPE its the blow-off: if this isn't Eddie winning and JBL getting his ticket punched back to midcardsville, I'll be even more confounded.

Anyway, check it out Thursday night. Or come on back here to OO on Friday for the full recap and analysis. 
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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