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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Special Expose: Behind the Bash 
July 2, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

 

I had the best of intentions for today, folks, I really did... I was gonna write up a column, maybe talk some about how John Cena was the funniest he's been in months last night on SD! during the approximately 7.3 seconds when he WASN'T talking about poop and then also do some other news.
 

But the truth is that my heart wouldn't have been in it. Wrestling's not exactly white hot these days, and other things are attracting my attention. Like how this week featured the Season Championships of both the World Poker Tour and Celebrity Poker on back-to-back nights (go Lisa From NewsRadio!). Or how my landlady made me do ricockulous amounts of yard work that she's probably legally responsible for (she's on death's door, you know, so it's the LEAST I can do for her).

Or how, um.... I dunno. I did other stuff, too. Probably involved drinking and playing guitar, or something. Maybe watching some Reds games. I do those things a lot.

Anyway, point is I'm not up to a sparkling effort of my own here this holiday weekend. So I hope you consider it as fortuitous as I that, just last night, I happened to fall ass-backwards into one of my bi-annual scOOps that I can just transcribe for you and present on an as-is basis. No work necessary for me!

That's right: you want to know the real story behind the Great American Bash? Well, as you know: Vince wasn't at the PPV, he was back home sick, and had to be kept abreast of things via emails (and satellite transmissions BROADCASTING THE FREAKING ENDING OF THE MAIN EVENT 4 HOURS BEFORE IT "HAPPENED LIVE"). Just because Vince wasn't there in body didn't mean he didn't have his fingerprints all over this show.
 
And lucky me: I've got a mole who just so happens to have tapped the WWE intranet, and all of last week's communications between bed-ridden Vince McMahon (sidelined with his severe infection) and his top management (charged with putting together a PPV in his absence) are now mine! After collating them and putting them into the proper order, they tell quite a tale. 

I read through them, and frankly, I was one part shocked and one part completely unsurprised. What follows is, simply put, pretty much the only logical explanation for what we saw a few days ago at the Bash PPV. Read on through for yourself, you'll feel the same thing: disbelief that it came to this and an resignation to the fact that this is why it did.... it just makes too much damned perfect sense to not be 100% the real deal. Go ahead, YOU try to come up with a more plausible explanation. I dare you!

So: enjoy these stolen communiqués from Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Jim Ross, and all the Gang, which explain in gory detail why we got what we got last weekend...

From: The Stamford Clinic
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Thursday, June 24, 3:23pm
Subject: Diagnosis
We regret to inform you that Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon has been diagnosed with diverticulitis, a severe intestinal infection.

We cannot, in good conscience, allow Mr. McMahon to leave our facility in this condition. Although he has debated us on this matter, citing important business this weekend, his wife Linda has assured us that his health is the more important concern, and has committed him to stay here as long as it takes to knock this infection out.

Traditionally, a 5-day treatment involving heavy pain-killers and antibiotics keeps a patient suffering from diverticulitis pain-free and clears things up nicely. 

We wish you the best of luck in your weekend business, and assure you we'll return Mr. McMahon to you as soon as he's healthy.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rosenpenis
Head Guy in Charge, 
The Stamford Clinic

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Thursday, June 24, 4:44pm
Subject: The Show Goes On
All -- 

While it's terrible to hear about my Daddy's illness, we must all band together and make sure this weekend's Great American Bash pay-per-view is the best show of the year. Daddy would want it that way.

I feel very strongly that we can accomplish this challenging-but-attainable goal, as the current SmackDown! paradigm, vis a vis our PPV line-up, is increasing exponentially according to all pertinent metrics.

Our pro-active stance on creating such compelling niche-market alternatives like Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn and Mordecai vs. Bob Holly indicates a high level of customer satisfaction. Way to work 24/7 to produce these actionable items, people!

So let's move forward and push the envelope, and put together a great show, OK, troops?

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross, VP
To: Stephanie McMahon
Date: Thursday, June 24, 5:03pm
Subject: Vis a Vis Your Paradigm
Way to take charge Steph! I'm sure you're right: Suzuki vs. Gunn and Mordecai vs. Holly sure look like real crowd-pleasing Slobberknockers to Good Ol' JR!

Hey, why not go ahead and add Luther Reigns to the line-up, too? He could face, oh I don't know... let's just say Charlie Haas. Sure, Charlie Haas. Why not?

Fans'll eat it up, I bet!

JR

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Thursday, June 24, 6:39pm
Subject: Great Idea!
Jim Ross has just come up with a GREAT idea for another match at the GAB PPV...

Luther Reigns vs. Charlie Haas

Awesome thinking, JR! Way to think outside the box!

See, this is the kind of work I'd like to see out of the rest of you... but I know we've been running you pretty hard lately, and so we've been thinking about adding new members to the creative team.

Especially with Daddy out of commission, I think I'll take care of this this weekend. We need some new blood to make sure this PPV rocks! I'll update you when I make my decisions...

Steph

 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Friday, June 25, 10:48am
Subject: STAND BACK
These idiot doctors think they can stop me from running MY show?

Well, when I was a young boy, everybody used tell me what I should do and who I should be. But they never understood the kind of man I am; do my own thinking, got a lotta big plans. I never wanted to be just an ordinary guy, I always push harder, reaching for the sky. I'm a man who's running wild, heading for the top, never slowing down, never gonna stop. And all along the way, you're gonna see a lotta men drop. Baby, watch 'em drop! So doc, STAND BACK!

You got that? I'm Mr. McMahon, and the Great American Bash is still my show. So you people do your best, put it together, but I still get final say so. Steph, make sure you run EVERYthing past me, OK? I'm Mr. McMahon, dammit!

VKM

 
From: The Stamford Clinic
To: {WWF Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Friday, June 25, 12:12 pm
Subject: Apologies
It appears as though Mr. McMahon has charmed his way into gaining internet access in our Media Room... however, we warn you that the cocktail of drugs that we are serving Mr. McMahon may render him a bit unbalanced. We apologize if his e-mail outburst in any way distracted you from your important weekend business.

For the next several days, Mr. McMahon will be out of sorts. These pharmaceuticals affect different people in different ways, but you may notice rampant megalomania, hallucinations, almost certainly he'll be in a highly suggestive state. But it'll be OK, as one of the side affects of this particular drug combination is that memory of the delusion periods is almost completely wiped out.

We'll endeavor to keep Mr. McMahon under a closer watch as these conditions worsen and his dosages increase. Again, you have our apologies, and we'll try to keep prevent Mr. McMahon from hassling you again.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rosenpenis
Head Guy in Charge, 
The Stamford Clinic

 
From: Jim Ross
To: Vince McMahon
Date: Friday, June 25, 12:13pm
Subject: Revenge, Motherfucker!
Hallucinating much, Vince? Won't remember a thing, Vince?

Well, allow me to introduce myself: I am Cheatum the Evil Midget, and I order you urinate in the hallway outside your room. Or else I'll have to send you to the White Castle of Fear.

Teach you to fire me three times, asshole....

Love,
CHEATUM~!

 
From: The Stamford Clinic
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Friday, June 25, 2:42pm
Subject: Complications
Mr. McMahon has not responded well to his new medications... we only just placed him on the latest, most-intensive round of drugs, and within hours, he was standing outside his room, urinating in the hallway while claiming the "the midget made me do it."

Obviously, we are used to adverse reactions to this combination of pharmaceuticals, but this is completely unique in our experience. We'd like to ask anyone with insights into Mr. McMahon's past if there is some psychological imbalance or pre-existing fear of midgets or anything of that nature that we should know about as we continue to fine-tune his medication and dosages.

Other than that, Mr. McMahon appears to be fine, and we again hope to keep him under closer guard in case these episodes repeat.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rosenpenis
Head Guy in Charge,
The Stamford Clinic

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Friday, June 25, 4:01pm
Subject: Help is on the Way
All --

I've spoken with the Clinic and assured them that there's nothing in Daddy's history to indicate that they should deviate from the planned medications. This was just a one-time freak episode, and I still intend to keep consulting Daddy to get his OK on our final plan on Sunday.

Also, I've completed the screening process, and am happy to announce that I've hired three new writers who will begin helping out this weekend.

First is Troy Stevens, who did great work on "Yes, Dear" last season. Second is Mitch Rogers, who was the driving force behind many of "Dharma and Greg's" classic episodes. We are SO lucky to have two guys who have so much experience writing absolutely GREAT television.

Also, I got some guy named Stephen King. He writes for the magazine "Entertainment Weekly," and I guess he used to do books, too, but I've never read any of them. But he said he was done with books, and the magazine job was only part time, so he was curious about branching out and trying something new. I'm not so sure if he's WWE material or not, but hey, "Entertainment Weekly" is always a great read and if they hired him, I'm thinking maybe he'll work out.

I'd like for the new guys to introduce themselves and maybe give us a few ideas about the WWE product and how they might help us keep things going as absolutely great and perfect as they are right now!

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Friday, June 25, 4:11pm
Subject: Welcome Aboard?
Well, I would have thought my office would have been consulted on the hiring of new creative talents, but OK, whatever...

I think Steph is right, this Stephen King guy just might be a big help to us. Good luck to you other two, as well.

I've contacted Information Services and had them issue the three new guys WWE Intranet IDs so that they may join our mailing list and introduce themselves. I look forward to hearing from them and meeting them....

JR

 
From: Troy Stevens
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 9:34am
Subject: Hi, I'm Troy!
Greatings, everybody!

My name is Troy. I went too film school, and when I got out, a fiend of my dad's got me a job on "Friends." Well, I really only got coffee and made copies. But the expirience was great, and I finally got to put my years of writing to use when a job opened up on "Yes, Dear" and I submitted a script and they said it was the best thing they'd ever seen, which didn't surprise me because I've spent so many years prefecting my craft and don't think you'll find to many writers out there with as much natral ability as me.

I haven't seen a lot of WWE, so its lucky for you I've got such a great background with my school and expirience as well as my natral ability. When I knew I was getting this job, I did watch some of this week's SmackedDown that Stephanie sent me on tape. I don't know what all those little guys fighting in the ring was about, but I thought it was neet when that lady through salt in that guy's eyes. I know from expirience that Evil Japanese People make great villins. I will enjoy writing for that character!

And I look forward to working with all of you, to!

Troy
Professional Writer

 
From: Mitch Rogers
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 10:21am
Subject: Greetings!
Hi, I guess if Troy did this, I should, too, right? Hey, are you the Troy Stevens that worked with my friend Dave on that spec script that eventually got turned into "Soul Plane"? If so, I really look forward to working with you... you've obviously got talent. And I should know: working on a show like "Dharma and Greg" as long as I did, you see nothing but the best day in and day out!

Anyway, I also haven't seen a lot of WWE on TV, but look forward to familiarizing myself with the product in time to contribute positively to this weekend's show. I'm sure there's nothing unique or tricky about pro wrestling that I can't pick up on, what with my years of experience working on sitcoms!

Catch you on the flip flop....

Mitch
Professional Writer

 
From: Stephen King
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 11:08am
Subject: A Few Ideas
I figure I'll leave the introduction for another time. I'd rather just let my work speak for me, as I think I've got a couple quick ideas for how to make this Undertaker guy a lot more spooky (spooky is sort of a hobby of mine, and I think you guys are really screwing the pooch on this character), and how you can make this Concrete Crypt thing really dramatic and scary.

I'm hopping on the plane to Norfolk right now, and I'll share these with you as soon as I get to the arena. 

But in the meantime, just a quick suggestions about your Monday night show:

My experience is that whenever a woman gets pregnant and nobody knows who the father is, that story is headed down the tubes. Dunno why, but as a plot-thickner, pregnancy just naturally seems to suck! *

So maybe you'll let me help out on this Kane/Lita thing, too? I've got a few ideas.

SK

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 11:20am
Subject: Team Players, Only
Don't even bother getting on that plane, Mr. King. I'm sorry, but I think I made an error in judgment hiring a magazine writer for WWE. You're clearly used to freelancing, doing whatever you fancy, and what we need here is team players.

Who are you to say pregnancy sucks as a plot-thickener? What experience do you have? We've been doing dramatic stories here at WWE for years, and MANY times have used pregnancy. I don't think you understand dramatic writing, Mr. King, and will thank you to please keep your harebrained ideas to yourself, instead of contaminating the skilled minds of our other new incoming writers.

I wish my Daddy were here to do it, but since I hired you, I guess this is my mess to clean up: Mr. King, YOU'RE FIRED.

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 12:33pm
Subject: That was Quick...
Well, I guess if my office didn't get any say on the hiring of these new writers, why would I get any say in the firing?

Seems kind of rash, though, to fire Mr. King... I think if you'd given him a chance (or even looked a bit deeper into his background), you might have found he'd be able to really help our product out. 

JR

 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 12:58pm
Subject: Thin Ice
Hey, watch it there, JR. Steffi's in charge, and if she says this King guy doesn't know what he's talking about, I believe her. You know your role and shut your mouth!

And anyway, Kane and Lita are working out great! Fans love the pregnancy, and I think it's the best thing we got going on Mondays. You know: maybe SmackDown! could keep up with RAW's great pregnancy if they did something like add more poop jokes!

Yeah, more poop jokes, somebody get on that! Oh, wait, nurse says I have to go, now, I guess I need to go take more medicine.

VKM

 
From: Jim Ross
To: Vince McMahon
Date: Saturday, June 26, 1:03pm
Subject: Bomb Threat
Know my role and shut my mouth, you morphine-soaked blowhard?

There's a bomb in your room, you must escape the clinic, Vince. I wouldn't lie to you, I'm Cheatum the Evil Midget!

Asshole....

CHEATUM~!

 
From: Troy Stevens
To: Stephanie McMahon
Date: Saturday, June 26, 2:14pm
Subject: Poop
Hey, Steph, I was thinking about your dad's sugestion, and I think I comed up with something...

How about next week on SmackedDown, we have that rapping guy come out and make fun of the Japanese guy for being constipated? I said I'd love writing for that charecter, and I think I can do a reely good bit if you want.

Becuze if theres anything people hate more than a Evil Japanese Guy, its a Evil Japanese Guy Who Can't Poop.

Troy
Proffesional Writer

 
From: Mitch Rogers
To: Stephanie McMahon
Date: Saturday, June 26, 3:28pm
Subject: Contribution
Stephanie --

I don't want to overstep my bounds, but it seems to me that the show on Sunday needs more comedy. And I know comedy, as I did spend half-a-season as a writer on Saturday Night Live!

I'm thinking maybe I could recycle a skit that got cut from SNL (I don't know why, it was GOLD). It's all about guys with big feet, if you know what I mean. Guys with big feet have big, well, you know... always funny!

I could rewrite it to include one of the "divas" (see, I'm getting the lingo already!) and the hot tub. Just tell me who you think should have a small penis, and I'll get on it!

Later on....

Mitch
Professional Comedy Writer

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: Mitch Rogers; Troy Stevens
Date: Saturday, June 26, 4:46pm
Subject: WOW!
Seriously: Wow! Just, WOW!

You guys are on the job less than a day, and already you're contributing great ideas. I can tell you'll go far here at WWE, guys like you are EXACTLY what we need to keep things rolling as good as they are right now. Great work.

Troy: get to work on the Evil Japanese Guy Who Can't Poop skit for Thursday. And Mitch: maybe take a note out of Troy's book for the PPV skit... foreigners are evil, so give Rene Dupree the small penis, OK?

You guys are AWESOME.

Steph

 
From: The Stamford Clinic
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Saturday, June 26, 7:31pm
Subject: More Complications
Mr. McMahon continues to experience extreme and bizarre side effects from his medications: last night, we had to forcibly sedate Mr. McMahon after he was caught attempting to escape our facility. And again, he was ranting nonsensically the whole time.

Something about a bomb in his room, more about the midget, and how he knew this day would come. Do the names "Cheatum" or "Vader" mean anything to you? We'd really like to isolate the cause of these delusions so we can return Mr. McMahon to his full dosage and get him healthy and discharged as soon as possible...

Please advise as to how you'd like us to proceed.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rosenpenis
Head Guy in Charge, 
The Stamford Clinic

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 10:02am
Subject: Show Time!
All --

So today's the big day. Don't worry about my Daddy; I don't know what's going on with those quacks in Stamford, but I'm sure Daddy has very good reasons for acting the way he is. I've told the Clinic to make sure Daddy has access to the internet and a satellite hook-up later today so he can give us his final OK on a few things.

Here's your to-do list, folks:

(1) We need to complete the pre-shoot of the Paul Bearer in cement stunt. On the actual PPV, we'll just be using a dummy in the crypt, so we have to pre-shoot all the footage of Paul inside so we can insert it into the broadcast. Also, I want Daddy to be able to see this and OK it, so try to get it done early so we can beam it up on the satellite and let him see it. 

(2) I think we're pretty close to done on the final format for the show. It looks like it'll be (to borrow a quote from Tazz) a real Rocketbuster! Great work, but if anyone has any last-second suggestions, now would be the time. Again, I want Daddy to be able to approve the final format this afternoon, so chop chop, people...

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross
To: Stephanie McMahon
Date: Sunday, June 27, 10:36am
Subject: Maybe we could.... 
I was so happy that you took my ENTIRELY GENUINE AND SINCERE suggestion of pitting Luther Reigns against Charlie Haas in a Big PPV Showdown to heart. Truly, those two will have a Slobberknocker for the ages!

But I had another idea, and maybe we could toss this in to further shore up the middle portion of the show...

You've got Torrie Wilson and Sable in an 8 minute straight-up wrestling match. I was thinking more in terms of using that Hot Tub we've got set up in the back. Let 'em cat fight in that for a bit. I think it might give the home viewer a little more bang for his buck and keep that middle part of the show from slowing down.

Just a thought....

JR

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: Jim Ross
Date: Sunday, June 27, 10:59am
Subject: Be Serious
Please, Jim... Torrie and Sable have been objectified enough over their careers, don't you think? It's clearly time to let them show the world what skilled grapplers they are, and to pay-off this well-told and long-standing storyline with a real WRESTLING match.

WRESTLING, JR, you're talking about it all the time. I thought you'd appreciate this decision more than anyone. Maybe two girls fighting in wet t-shirts works over on Mondays where we've got King who can sell the PUPPIES, but this is SmackDown!, and it's all about the wrestling.

Thanks for the suggestion, but please get your head out of your ass, and remember that Daddy says I'm in charge. And I say no to your idea.

Steph

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: Vince McMahon
Date: Sunday, June 27, 4:32pm
Subject: Just Need Your Final OK, Daddy
Daddy,

I hope by now you've seen the Paul Bearer footage over the satellite. That was a great idea, by the way: I can't imagine beaming the finish to one of our matches out over the satellite hours before show time could EVER cause any problems.

Plus, it gives you the chance to decide for sure if you like what we've done or not. And with your impeccable judgment, that's the most important thing of all.

And also: we've finalized the format sheet for tonight's show. Look it over and make sure you like what we've got planned:

0:00 -- Opening Video Package and In-Arena Pryo/Welcome (4 min.)

0:04 -- John Cena d. Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Rene Dupree to retain US Title (20 min. with intros and post-match)

0:24 -- Kurt Angle forces Charlie Haas into match with Luther Reigns (3 min.)

0:27 -- Sable cuts promo on Torrie Wilson from the Hot Tub (2 min.)

0:29 -- Luther Reigns d. Charlie Haas (10 min. with intros/post-match)

0:39 -- Video Package About  Cruiserweight Title (3 min.)

0:42 -- Rey Mysterio d. Chavo Guerrero to retain CW Title (25 min. with intros and post-match)

1:07 -- Hot Tub Segment with Torrie Wilson and Bickering Cruisers (3 min.)

1:10 -- Kenzo Suzuki d. Billy Gunn (10 min. with intros/post-match)

1:20 -- Paul Heyman verbally berates Paul Bearer backstage (5 min.)

1:25 -- Sable d. Torrie Wilson (10 min. with intros/post-match)

1:35 -- Dawn Marie and FBI make fun of Rene Dupree's Small Penis near the Hot Tub (4 min.)

1:39 -- Mordecai d. Bob Holly (12 min. with intros/post-match)

1:51 -- Video Package about Heyman, Taker, Paul Bearer, Dudleys (5 min.)

1:56 -- Undertaker d. Dudley Boyz, then seals Paul Bearer in Concrete Crypt (20 min. including intros and post-match angle)

2:16 -- Video Package about JBL/Eddie feud (5 min.)

2:21 -- Eddie Guerrero d. Bradshaw to retain WWE Title (25 min. with intros and post-match Eddie celebration)

2:46-2:55 -- Extra time in case segments run long; can also extend Eddie's victory celebration

That's what we've got, Daddy... let us know how you like it!

Steph


 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 5:04pm
Subject: A Few Things
Wow! I think that Paul Bearer footage looked amazing. Also, I think this story is so important and fans will be so concerned about Paul that we should make that be our main event.

Thanks again for going through the trouble of making sure I could see that footage, because if I hadn't seen who GREAT it turned out, I wouldn't have known that we need to shuffle the top two matches. Put Taker vs. the Dudleys on last, what a huge way to end a PPV!

Other than that, looks good. Way to go, Steffi, darling. Daddy's proud....

VKM

 
From: Jim Ross
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 5:29pm
Subject: Gotta Disagree
With all due respect to Mr. McMahon, I'm not entirely sure his medication is allowing him to think clearly here.

I've also reviewed the Bearer footage and I'm not so sure it's even adequate, much less worthy of a main event slot... and what kind of message does it send to fans if we put the WWE Title match out there ahead of some convoluted "main event" that nobody really understands the point of?

I'd argue strongly for keeping things the way they are... Eddie's title win should go on last.

JR

 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 5:48pm
Subject: Thinner Ice!
Jim, "with all due respect," you need to keep your big mouth shut. Maybe I'm a little groggy, but I'm still the inventor of WrestleMania, and you're still just a redneck rasslin' announcer.

Please: it doesn't take any kind of drug enhancement to see that this thing with Paul Bearer looks awesome and will totally be a hit with fans. This is our main event, and that's the end of the story.

Now, it looks like it's time for my evening medicine... good luck with the show, everybody...

VKM

 
From: Jim Ross
To: Vince McMahon
Date: Sunday, June 27, 6:02pm
Subject: Here's Another Suggestion
Whacked out on the next round of pills, yet, Vinnie? Because if you think Taker/Dudleys is a good main event, maybe you'll like this one, too:

How about making John Bradshaw Layfield the new WWE Champion? Sounds like a winner to me, and I'm an Evil Midget, which is WAY more important than inventing WrestleMania.

JBL, WWE Champion! Or else!

Feel the ratings, Vince... feel the ratings!

CHEATUM~!
The Evil Redneck Announcer Midget

 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {Top WWF Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 7:23pm
Subject: QUICK
Everybody, I need to make another quick change to the format sheet. JBL has to beat Eddie and win the WWE Title. The midget says so.

And I think he might be right. Think about it: we can repackage JBL! Tell that Nazi swine to grow out his Hitler-stache, we're going balls-out with this one! It'll be HUGE ratings. Just thinking out loud here, people, maybe we replace the WWE Title belt with the Lost Arc of the Covenant, and have GM Kurt Angle hide it somewhere. Then we can change Eddie's first name to "Indiana" and have them chase each other all over the world. First one to find the arc wins World War II! The midget is right: feel the ratings!

JBL wins the title, got it? Good.

VKM
Inventor of WrestleMania and Undisputed Wrestling Genius Who Cannot Be Disputed 

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {Top WWE Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 7:41pm
Subject: Make It So
You heard Daddy: JBL is the new WWE Champion... 

I think we should make another change to the format sheet, too: take out the Cruiserweight video package and replace it with a pre-tape of JBL guaranteeing that he'll win the belt.

Hop to it, people, time's running short...

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross
To: {Top WWE Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 7:49pm
Subject: Um, Really?
It's 10 minutes before show time, you can't be serious!

C'mon, ANYbody can see Vince is whacked out of his gourd on something. JBL as the Nazi WWE Champion? Just use your heads, folks. 

We're already killing a dummy that looks like Paul Bearer, we don't need anything else stupid on this PPV....

JR

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {Top WWE Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 7:53pm
Subject: Yes, Really!
Dammit, Jim, you heard my Daddy! He said he's just groggy, but I think he might be on to something. Daddy's never wrong, ever, never ever! So you shut up and do your job!

And if I know how Daddy thinks, Jim, maybe you should get in touch with Charles Wright and see if he's still got the Papa Shango outfit. And see about getting the rights to the name "Mola Ram," too. Daddy will be so proud of my thinking ahead...

But not too far ahead, people: it's showtime, so let's do this thing. This will be the greatest show in the history of wrestling! No thanks to that negative nelly Jim Ross...

Steph

 
From: Jim Ross
To: Jim Ross
Date: Sunday, June 27, 7:59pm
Subject: Way to Go, Dumbass!
Boy, you really fucked this one up royally, didn't you, Jimbo?

JR

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: Vince McMahon
Date: Sunday, June 27, 10:53pm
Subject: So?
Show's over, Daddy... how'd you like it?

Steph

 
From: Vince McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 11:22pm
Subject: LOVED IT!
Wow, what a great show. I loved it. I was crying my eyes out at the end. I couldn't believe he'd really kill his friend like that, but he did. It really got me, I'm still bawling.

I gotta get myself together, here.... I'm Vince McMahon, dammit!

VKM

 
From: Stephanie McMahon
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Sunday, June 27, 11:35pm
Subject: High Praise!
See, everybody (and Jim)? Daddy loved it, and if he loved it, it has to be good. 

Daddy will be back again next week, but till then, we've got two TV tapings to do, so let's hop to it and try to do more of the same, OK!

Great work, everybody! I can't see how ANYbody could have not loved the Great American Bash!

Steph

 
From: The Stamford Clinic
To: {WWE Top Mgt. Staff List}
Date: Monday, June 28, 12:26am
Subject: Again, Apologies
It has been another long night. We've just finished an hours-long stand-off with Mr. McMahon. 

He barricaded himself in the media center, saying he needed to get online because "the midget wants JBL." We had no idea what he was talking about, but he was VERY agitated. After several hours, we were able to gain entry to the Media Center through an air duct... shortly after midnight, a decidedly more docile and teary-eyed Mr. McMahon was easily subdued by our staff. 
 
For whatever it's worth, he did not have access to our cable/PPV system, and appears to have spent the night watching a tape of the Disney classic "Old Yeller."

We're not sure what he might have sent you via e-mail over the course of the afternoon and evening, but we're quite confident it was opiate-enhanced raving and nothing more. We are sure you were able to notice his altered state, and realized that his messages could not possibly be taken seriously.

In any case, he'll be making no more visits to the Media Center: we have decided that whatever is causing these outbursts is likely to repeat. We will again rethink our medication strategy to see if we can prevent this "evil midget" from surfacing and inspiring Mr. McMahon to behave oddly, and will also be transferring him to our medium-security wing where he will remain under total lockdown until his treatment is complete.

Mr. McMahon remains completely safe, mind you, and you should be happy to know that he won't be bothering you any further... we apologize for any inconvenience we've caused by allowing Mr. McMahon access to e-mail, and hope it has not adversely affected or distracted you from your important business this weekend.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rosenpenis
Head Guy in Charge, 
The Stamford Clinic


 

* This is a real quote from Stephen King. You may choose to believe or disbelieve the rest of the contents of this column (hey, even the best of us reporters gets duped by a bogus source every now and again), but I can assure you that Stephen King himself really did write those words.


  
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E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 


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