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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
"Hail to the Crap," Part One:
Meet the Candidates!
August 6, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Prefatory Matters: this autumn, WWE intends to parallel current events by running a Presidential Election of its own. My understanding is that the new "president" will be a cross-over character, manipulating events on both the RAW and SmackDown! brands. 
 
More than likely, the E will take what could be a moderately interesting device for incisive satire of the REAL election and for creating unique cross-brand opportunities throughout the fall to set up the Rumble-to-Mania corridor next year, and they'll turn it into a brain-dead haven for awful jokes and "reality TV" style stunts, contests, and 

eliminations, and the thing'll end up sucking as bad as the Diva Search. So my thinking? If it's gonna suck, then why don't *I* at least get a head start and make it suck a relatively funny way?!?  YEAH!

I've actually thought this whole thing through, and envision a 4 or 5 part series... assuming this first part doesn't tank badly, at least. It's not only a way to guard against lack-of-Friday-content, which is always a lingering threat... but it's also just the Right Way To Tell The Story.  In my vision, Tough Questions Todd Grisham will be our host and moderator throughout the election, and in the coming months, random Fridays when there's nothing else to put in the headline spot will bring you Primary/Convention Coverage for each of the three parties, and then most likely a final capstone piece featuring the final campaigning/debating between the nominees.

I think we can have some fun with this one, kids... more fun than WWE will probably have with it, anyway.  One request: OO is every bit the democracy that WWE is, so I want to hear from you!  I mean, like WWE, the fix might be in here at OO and if I disagree with you, well, I'll warn you ahead of time that my ballot is allowed to count for anywhere from 1 to 20,000 votes, depending on what I need to have happen!  But I honestly *would* like to hear back from you on how (if?) you'd like to see "Hail to the Crap" proceed, and which candidates appeal the most to you, and so on and so forth.  SmackDown Your Vote, peoples!

And with that, it's time to set the table: you must meet the candidates. Members of The RAW Party, The SmackDown! Party, and The Wildcard Party have all declared their official candidacy and filled out the required paperwork.  Below, please find capsule biographies and their submitted mission statement.

The RAW Party Candidates

Mick Foley
For Vice President: Al Snow

Motto: "Midgets First. Friendship Second."
Qualifications: Decorated WWF Legend, Best-Selling Author, Former WWF Commissioner (Foley); Is Friends with Mick Foley (Snow)
Endorsed by: The Friars' Club of America, the Lima (OH) Chamber of Commerce, the "Planet of the Ewoks" (a retirement home for midgets located at George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch)

Prepared Statement:
MF: First, I'd like to say it's great to be RIGHT HERE, at ONLINE ONSLAUGHT DOT COM!
You All: YAY!
AS: Christ, Mick, enough with the cheap pops, already.
MF: Hey, everybody, I just remembered a story about Al Snow, Pat Patterson, and a kielbasa!  Who wants to hear it?
You All: ME!
AS: Ah ha ha ha. Just kidding, Mick.  You are one very funny and over Superstar!
MF: That's right, Al, and don't you forget it. Otherwise I'll have you back on Heat, or possibly hosting shitty-ass "Tough Enough" segments this fall on SD!, before you know it!
AS: Yes, sir.
MF: Anyway, our platform is this, people: if you vote for Mick Foley, I guarantee you four years of making Al here my bitch, and also four years of letting Al do any kind of midget-related comedy he deems appropriate.
AS: That's right, Mick! Everything's funnier with midgets.
MF: Hush, you! Vote Foley In Oh Four!

 

Eric Bischoff
For Vice President: Jonathan Coachman

Motto: "Hey, At Least I Didn't Pick Jason Hervey As My Running Mate!"
Qualifications: Evil Mastermind Behind WCW's Rise to Prominence, Smart Enough to Evaporate During WCW's Fall To Suckiness, Current RAW General Manager (Bischoff); Does a Mean Charleston (Coach)
Endorsed by: Ted Turner, nWo Hollywood, Barry Manilow, Just For Men Hair Coloring

Prepared Statement:
EB: Folks, I shouldn't even have to say a word.  I'm Eric Bischoff. I created Nitro. I beat Vince McMahon for 73 straight weeks. And now I'm the boss of the hottest show on TV. Just vote for me. You know you wanna.
JC: Um, boss, you think maybe you should address... you know...
EB: What?
JC: The hotel room, and the stripper....
EB: Oh, that?  Yeah, thanks, Coach!  People, you voted for that scumbag Clinton TWICE, and all he ever did was get a BJ from a fat chick and then slept on the couch for months after his wife found out.  If you think that's great, how about Sleazy E: I got a hot-ass stripper to come back to the hotel with me.  And my wife WAS THERE.  And I didn't get into any trouble at all!  Because I'm Eric Bischoff!  You GOTTA vote for that.
JC: That's why I love ya, boss.

 

Chris Jericho
For Vice President: The JeriTron 5000

Motto: "I am a Huge Rock Star."
Qualifications: First WWF Undisputed Champion, Exceptionally Charismatic Public Speaker, Recently Ditched Winnipeg to Become American Citizen (at least as far as Lillian Garcia knows) and Thus Legally Able to Be President (Jericho); Surprisingly, Has Evaded Destruction for 18 Months (JeriTron)
Endorsed by: Mongoose McQueen, the Nation of Canada, Erin Anderson

Prepared Statement:
CJ: Look people, I'm gonna be completely honest with you.  I've been busting my ass in this business for over a decade, now, and all I've got to show for it is some dumb-ass feud with Batista and the job of introducing Diva Search contestants on the Highlight Reel.  I'm bored.  I'm too good for this.  So I'm begging you: Make me the new WWE President!  I need SOMEthing fun to do.  Show 'em what I mean JeriTron 5000....

[JeriTron showcases many hilarious Jericho moments from years past]

CJ: And even the one time I DID get a fair shot, and was the First Ever Undisputed Champion, they screwed me over.  Monkeys in the Truck, roll the footage....

[JeriTron reminds us of the craptacularity of Lucy The Puppydog and so forth]

CJ: So come on, people.  A vote for Jericho is a vote for Jericho Not Being Criminally Underutilized! A vote for anyone else is an excuse for me to just give up and go make another album, or something...

 

Kane
For Vice President: Lita

Motto: "Needs More Kane"
Qualifications: Intend to be married by November, making them the first-ever husband/wife ticket in history, which clearly qualifies them.
Endorsed by: Absolutely No One

Prepared Statement:
L: ....yeah, Glen, I so totally agree. "Anchorman" was actually pretty funny.  Matt and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for suggesting it.
K: No prob, Amy, it was my pl....

Producer: Um, "ACTION!" or something? You're on, idiots!

K: Hmmm? Oh yeah.... SO LITA! I will make you my wife, and now I ALSO want make you my Vice President! Because all I want is a Normal Life, and what could be more normal than that?
L: OK, Kane, as long as you want a Vice President who'll campaign hard on the Kane Has a Much Smaller Penis Than Matt Hardy Platform. At least until SummerSlam and my SHOCKING TURN~!...
K: You'll campaign WHAT the Kane was a Small Penis Platform?
L: I said I'll campaign hard on the....  OH, I get it.  Uh huh huh huh huh.
K: Mheh heh heh heh.  You know what else is cool? FIRE!  F-F-F-FIRE!

Producer: You know you're still on, right?

K: What?!?  Fire's in character, bitch!
L: Yeah, but I'm saying you have a small penis and ejaculate prematurely, so...
K: Oh yeah... ahem! SO LITA! Mind your sass mouth and fetch me my slippers, Woman! And then a brandy! And the Partial Birth Abortion Act! And my Vetoing Pen! Because I'm all about the issues! And making sure you bring my offspring to full term! VOTE KANE 2004!

 

William Regal
For Vice President: Eugene

Motto: "Born Naughty. Campaigning Naughtier!"
Qualifications: Decorated Former WCW/WWE Superstar, Former WWF Commissioner 2001 (Regal); Intimately Familiar with the Collected Rulings of Former WWF President Jack Tunney (Eugene)
Endorsed by: The United Kingdom, the East India Company, and All The Kids on the Short Bus

Prepared Statement:
WR: Dear, dear... we are in quite the bind now, aren't we? So many wonderfully qualified candidates, but only one job as President of WWE.
E: Jack Tunney was president. 1988, stripped Ted DiBiase of the WWF Title, and put it up for grabs in a tournament at WrestleMania 4!
WR: Yes, dear boy, very good. And I implore WWE fans to once again look beyond the borders of your fine country for a new President.  As commissioner of the WWF, I proved I can control this company.  And as president, I can assure you I would rule over both RAW and SmackDown with an iron fist.  Or rather, a brass one, if you bloody well take my meaning.
E: POWER OF THE PUNCH! POWER OF THE PUNCH!
WR: Yes, yes, but don't go shouting it from the mountaintop, Eugene. Some things should just be between you and I.  Or between myself and anyone who tries to stand between me and the job that is rightfully mine. I'm here to tell you that my methods will be decidedly diabolical, that I will bring every ounce of vile and venom in my veins to this election, and that once I get rolling, negative campaigning will bloody well be the LEAST of your worries, Sunshine!
E: Sunshine, you are my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You....
WR: Lovely, Eugene, lovely.... [corralling Eugene and leaving...]

 

Triple H
For Vice President: Randy Orton

Motto: "Just Let Me Handle This, Randy."
Qualifications: Highly Decorated WWF/E Champion, Married to the Boss' Daughter, Expert Backstage Politician (HHH): None As Yet Identified (Orton)
Endorsed by: Stephanie McMahon, Vince McMahon, Linda McMahon, Sir Charles Darwin

Prepared Statement:
HHH: Friends, jack-offs, countrymen, lend me your ears...
RO: Hey, you know what, Trips? I got this one. I can handle it.
HHH: You can handle it?
RO: Yeah, sure, just gimme a chance, boss!
HHH: OK, fire away, sparky....
RO: Ahem. Greetings to all our fantastic WWE fans!  I would just like to say that our enemies are innovative and resourceful. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our company and our wrestling, and neither do we.
HHH: Oh, dear christ...

PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!

RF: Seriously, Hunter, why didn't you just let me be your running mate?
HHH: I dunno, Ric. Some douchebags behind the scenes apparently think the guy should be on top. I think maybe his daddy phoned this one in, or something.

 

The SmackDown! Party Candidates

Paul Heyman
For Vice President: Tommy Dreamer

Motto: "Heidenreich! HEIDENREICH!"
Qualifications: Owner/Operator of ECW 1994-2001, SD! General Manager 2003-4 (Heyman); once drank Undertaker's spit, somehow bagged Beulah McGillicutty (Dreamer)
Endorsed by: Terry Funk, Rabbi Saul Rubenstein, Skoal

Prepared Statement:
PH: Heidenreich.  Heidenreich!  HEIDENREICH!!!
TD: You know, boss, you're just saying "Heidenreich" over and over again...
PH: Heidenreich?
TD: Yeah, "Heidenreich."
PH: HEIDENREICH!!!  HHHHEEEIIDDENNNREEEIICH!!!
TD: You know, Paul E., you used to be really sharp on the stick. You even got that worthless slug 911 over with the ECW fans. What the hell's gotten into you, man?
PH: Heidenreich!!!
TD: Yeah, I get it. Heidenreich.  But you realize, that dude sucks hairy donkey balls, right?
PH: Heidenreich?
TD: Yes, he's the one who sucks.  Heidenreich. Now come on: it'd be awesome if we could win this election and shape WWE in our image.
PH: Heidenreich! 
TD: Quit saying Heidenreich!  Actually, you know what? Heidenreich is kind of fun to say.  HEIDENREICH!
PH: Heidenreich!
TD: Heidenreich!!
PH and TD: HEIDENREICH!!  HEIDENREICH!!!  HEIDENREICH!!!!!!!!

 

John Cena
For Vice President: Brian Hebner

Motto: "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. YO!"
Qualifications: Likes to rap (Cena); Is a Human Beat Box (Hebner)
Endorsed by: Vanilla Ice, Eminem, Reebok Pumps, Planters Incorporated, Mo, Oscar, and Mabel

Prepared Statement:
JC: Yo, Hebby B, lay me down a phat beat, dawg.
BH: [complies]
JC: My name's John Cena /
     And I support the Troops / 
     I know our boys love / 
     Jokes about poop
 
     Word Life! Dese Nuts! /
     You Can't See Me! /
     Since going babyface /
     I'm a veritable Shitty Catchphrase Factory!
 
     But I can't let that stop me /
     From becoming the Pres /
     I guess I'll just keep saying /
     The stuff Steph's crappy sitcom writer says!
 
    I'll trust you people /
    To remember the Real John Cena /
    The guy that was funny /
    Not this lame-ass wiener.
 
    Casting a vote for the Doctor of Thuganomics /
    Would sure be a kick /
    And if you ain't down with that /
    You can suck my [obligatory mic raise so 
        dumbass lemmings can finish the phrase]

 

Rico
For Vice President: Charlie Haas

Motto: "We'll Have a Gay Old Time!"
Qualifications: Former Las Vegas Cop, Once Bested a Man What's Name was "Turbo," is Flamboyantly, ummm, Flamboyant (Rico); is Not Flamboyant (Haas)
Endorsed by: GLAAD, Shelton Benjamin, American Gladiators' Alumni Association

Prepared Statement:
R: Hey, everybody. You all look simply FABULOUS tonight. And I want to let you know that I intend to Joust with all these other candidates until I can Breakthrough and Conquer the SD! nomination for WWE President.  Then I know that I'll have to put up with an Assault on my credentials, but I promise you that I'll Hang Tough and climb that Wall, if you give me a shot.
CH: Dude, what in the blue hell are you talking about?
R: Oh, hello, Charles. How nice of you to pop in. I was just talking to the fans about how I'd like to be WWE President.  I haven't even gotten to my secret weapon, yet... the Power Balls!
CH: I have NO idea what's going on here....

 

Chavo Guerrero
For Vice President: Chavo Classic

Motto: "Respect."
Qualifications: Multi-time Cruiserweight and Tag Team Champion, Frequently One of the Better Reasons to Watch SD! (Chavo); Left the Company Rather than Be Humilated, Now Out for Revenge (Classic)
Endorsed by: Internet Jerk-Offs and Workrate Freaks the World Over, the Gobbletygooker

Prepared Statement:
CG: Hello and good day to all the fine fans of World Wrestling Entertainment.  I am very happy, today, to announce my candidacy for the job of President of WWE.  If you should vote for me, I promise an enhanced role for all Cruiserweight Wrestlers, and an emphasis on the in-ring product.

[eerie silence from the fans, allowing the distinct sound of a perverted minority of fans moaning "Ohhhh, Chavo, you've saved wrestling. Workrate!  WORKRATE!  WOOOORRRKRAAATE~!" as they apparently reach self-induced orgasms to reach our ears]

CG: Further, I would like to introduce you to my running mate: a proud man, who decided he'd rather lose his job than humiliate himself and the Cruiserweight Title...  my dad, Chavo Classic. 

[sound of crickets chirping]

CG: What?!? You people thought I'd come out here and be making jokes, or something?  I'm serious, I want to fix WWE!

[sound of perverted minority of fans so turned on that they're ready for another go; but dead silence from everybody else]

CC: HEY! You know what, son? I think I'd like to go pay to have sex with some disgusting 50-year-old skank!

[crowd laughs uproariously]

CG: [under his breath] Thanks dad.
CC: [whispering back] No problem, son.  I didn't need that dignity, anyway.  Fucking idiots.

 

Theodore R. Long
For Vice President: The Diva Harem

Motto: "Ya Feel Me?"
Qualifications: Current SD! General Manager, Knew Enough to Get the Fuck Rid of Known-Ankle-Weights Rodney Mack and Mark Jindrak (Long); Are Easy on the Eyes, Useful as Diversions (Torrie, Sable, Dawn, Jackie)
Endorsed by: The Playas' Club, Hugh Hefner, Every Chump Ass Wrestling Referee Who Ever Suffered Delusions of Grandeur

Prepared Statement:
TRL: Let me holla at ya, playas... the name's Theodore R. Long, and I'm the Man In Charge on SmackDown.  Only on the job a few weeks, and already them dolla dolla bills is rolling in.  That's cuz Theodore R. Long knows what you people want, and he's ready to give it to ya. Ladies?

[in walk Torrie, Sable, Dawn, and Jackie]

TRL: You see, these four tasty fruit booties, we all know they can't really wrestle.  Or talk.  Or much of anything else.  But they sure are easy on the eyes, ain't they? Y'all are feelin' me....  so what I propose is Theodore R. Long will do the thinkin', the talkin', and the legislatin', but I'm putting my Vice Presidents in charge of the Department of Lookin' Fine.  Now ladies, get to steppin'....

[out walk Torrie, Sable, Dawn, and Jackie]

TRL: So ya feelin' me? You wanna see more of these honeys, you better remember to vote for Theodore R. Long.  Holla holla...

 

John Bradshaw Layfield
For Vice President: Faarooq Jr. (formerly known as Orlando Jordan)

Motto: "Desperately Attempting to Recapture a Magic That Never Actually Existed to Begin With!"
Qualifications: Thinks Everybody Who Hates Him is Fat and Gay, Once Applied a Side Headlock for 10 Minutes in a PPV Main Event (JBL); Is Black, Can Say "Damn" (Jordan)
Endorsed by: The Wall Street Journal, Adolf Hitler's 937 Brazillian Clones

Prepared Statement:
JBL: Greetings, My Fellow Americans!  My name is John Bradshaw Layfield, and I'm not just the WWE Champion, but I'm also the Next WWE President. I'm beloved by all, and more over, you all are beloved by me!  I don't care who you are... good decent white folk, dirty jews, misunderstood Nazis, Mexicans... hell, I even love the coloreds.  Isn't that right, Faarooq Jr.?
OJ: Uh, my name's Orlando Jordan. I've never even met you till they told me to go out there and save you last night.
JBL: Awww, isn't that cute?  Faarooq Jr.'s a little cranky.  Now here: have a cigar and a beer and this deck of cards, and quit being so uppity, OK?  Yer daddy was never this much trouble.
OJ: My who? Listen, I told you, my name's Orlando Jordan, and I STILL don't have any idea what the hell I'm doing here with you.  Neither does anybody else.
JBL: Listen up, son, your name is Faarooq Jr., and if you want to keep having a spot on Thursday nights, you'll just shut up, do what I tell you, and say "Damn" a lot.  Got it?
FJr.: Damn...
JBL: Beautiful!  JBL in 2004!

 

The WILDCARD Party Candidates

Stephanie McMahon
For Vice President: Her bOObs

Motto: "Inevitability RULES!"
Qualifications: Vince McMahon's daughter, SD! General Manager 2003 (Steph); blatantly-artificial and thus able to defy gravity in a vaguely-becoming kind of way (the bOObs)
Endorsed by: Triple H, Vince McMahon, Linda McMahon, The 14-Year-Old Boys Masturbation Consortium

Prepared Statement:
SM: You might as well just deal with it: I'm coming back eventually.
HB: bouncy-bouncy
SM: I mean, what's not to like about me? I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm a McMahon!  Also, I am an exceptional actress! Clearly, I'm one of the most important people in this company!
HB: bouncy
SM: You think I'm pretty, don't you?
HB: bouncy-BOUNCY-bounce
SM: That's what I thought.
HB: bouncy-bouncy
SM: So vote for me. Or don't. I don't care. I'll be back one way or another.

 

Vince Russo
For Vice President: Jesus H. Christ (an hilarious parody as performed by Ed Ferrera)

Motto: "Why Have You Forsaken Me?"
Qualifications: Creative Force Behind Some of the WWF's Lamest Skits Ever, Creative Force Behind Some of WCW's Lamest Skits Ever, Rehabbed Himself and Found Religion And Is Now The Current Force Behind TNA's General Lameness (Russo); Is a Master Impersonator, as Evidenced by "Oklahoma" (Ferrera)
Endorsed by: Beaver Cleavage, General Hugh G. Rection, and David Arquette

Prepared Statement:
VR: I know a lot of you don't like me. To be honest, I don't like what I used to be either. But I'm a new man now, and I hope you'll give me a chance to be your next WWE President.
JHC: Yo, dude, check it! I just TOTALLY turned this water into wine! Wanna get wasted?!?!
VR: What are you doing?
JHC: I'm like turning the other cheek or something dude. Cuz I'm Jesus H. Christ!
VR: That's not funny, Ed. I've really turned myself around, this isn't something to joke about.
JHC: Whoa, chill out there, Vinnie.  Love thy brother, man!  Just not TOO much, ya fucking queer!
VR: I'm serious, Ed, cut it out. That part of my life is over. I'm all about responsible family entertainment now and advocating the love of My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
JHC: What do you want with my love, faggot?!?  You leave me out of your homo fantasies.
VR: [under his breath] Lord, forgive him, he knows not what he does. [full voice] Ed, zip it now, or else.
JHC: Or else what? I'm going out there now to job for the sins of all mankind... and then I'll rise again to get my heat back on the third day.  Ya queer.
VR: [pummels the holy living crap out of Jesus H. Christ] Dammit, better get my ass to confession. [leaves]
JHC: [wheezing, half-conscious] Vince...  Vince... I thought.... this was.... Crash TV? 

 

Bob Backlund
For Vice President: Steve Blackman

Motto: "Vote For Me Or Else I'll Procure The Crossface Chickenwing on Each And Every One of You Plebeians!"
Qualifications: Three Time WWF Champion Totaling Almost 6 Years, Staunch Believer in Core Conservative Values, Possesses Prodigious Vocabulary (Backlund); Makes Bob Backlund Seem Charismatic By Comparison (Blackman)
Endorsed by: The Connecticut Republican Party, Christopher Robin Zimmerman, Webster's Dictionary

Prepared Statement:
BB: It has been with a heavy heart that I've watching this once great congregation of professional wrestlers degrade into a cesspool of filth and depravity.
SB: [nods stoically]
BB: The World Wrestling Entertainment has become a cancer on the morals of society, and each and every one of you plebeians has let it happen. You sit there at home, eating your pot and you don't even care. That's why Mister Backlund is here to raise you up to his level.
SB: [nods stoically]
BB: If you vote for me, I can guarantee you an end to all this lawlessness and ribaldry.  I shall be a force for virtue, probity, and rectitude. I beg your support as we fight to build a better tomorrow.
SB: [nods stoically]

 

The Rick
For Vice President: The Mysterious Whiskey Ninja

Motto: "Death to Crap."
Qualifications: Exceptionally Witty, Intelligent, Handsome, Insightful Wrestling Fan of Almost 20 Years, and Online Wrestling Guru for Almost 10 (Rick); 83rd Degree Black Belt, Deadly with the Nunchucks of Common Sense (Whiskey Ninja)
Endorsed by: All Of You (or else!), the Dayton Flyers, the Evan Williams Distillery, and My Mom

Prepared Statement:
Loyal Subjects of Online Onslaught, I call upon you to make 2004 the year we, the fans, took over wrestling and made it our own!  You know me, you know what I stand for. I let my body of work speak for itself.

If you elect me, I shall enact broad and sweeping changes. My programs will include forcing Randy Orton to come to the ring every week with a Corona-and-lime in his hand, officially renaming Trish Stratus' valet to be The Lovely Miss Tomko, and making sure that we NEVER speak of Pregnant Lita again.  Further, my administration will be ever-vigilant, ready to act swiftly when ever new instance of The Suck appear.
 
When that happens, my Vice President will leap into action.  The Mysterious Whiskey Ninja will sneak up on any shitty segment and brutally beat all involved (performers, writers, camera crew, EVERYbody) with the Nunchucks of Common Sense, the Stiff Kicks of Extreme Righteousness, and the Throwing Stars of Not Insulting the Audience.  Believe me, that's crap that you won't see on TV again for a good long time once my Whiskey Ninja gets done.
 
Who is the Whiskey Ninja?  I'm not telling.  Maybe I've recruited Tajiri. Or maybe, like Raven's, my ninja is quite voluptuous. There's only one way to find out, people.  Vote The Rick in 2004!  Me and My Ninja will fix WWE once and for all!  Take it to the bank! 

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin
For Vice President: Some Dumb Diva Search Contestant

Motto: "Shut Yer Damn Yapper and Get Me a Beer!"
Qualifications: Most Decorated WWF Superstar of the 1990s, Sheriff of RAW 2003-2004 (Austin); might actually DESERVE to get slapped around a bit (Diva Search Contestant)
Endorsed by: The South

Prepared Statement:
SA: I been sitting home, watching RAW.
[What?]
SA: And I thought my ATV of Extreme Justice was kinda stupid.
[What?]
SA: But this Diva Search thing has really got me pissed off.
[What?]
SA: Angry.
[What?]
SA: Perturbed.
[What?]
SA: Put out.
[What?]
SA: Vexed.
[What?]
SA: Aggravated.
[What?]
SA: Infuriated.
[What?]
SA: Hot under the collar.
[What?]
SA: Incensed.
[What?]
SA: I said I'm Pissed Off!
[Big Pop]
SA: So allow me to introduce you to my running mate: some stupid bitch whose name I don't even know from the Diva Search Contest.
[boos]
Diva: Hiya, big guy.  You're so sexy and I'm so attracted to you.  Let me dance for you and all these great fans!
SA: You know what? No. Just shut yer yapper and get me a beer.
Diva: Yeah, beer, I LOVE beer. I drink it all the time. You know what else I love? That sexy bald head of yours!  Can I rub it?
SA: No. Beer me.
Diva: Why so grumpy, Steve? You're no fun!  C'mon, dance with me, cutie!

KICK - WHAM - STUNNER! [huge pop]

SA: Vote for me, and I'll do that to the other nine bimbos, too! And that's the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold said so. [beer bash, big cheers]

 

Jesse Ventura
For Vice President: Carl Weathers

Motto: "Stunt Casting Equals Ratings!"
Qualifications: Longtime WWF wrestler and announcer 1984-1991, Governor of Minnesota 1998-2002 (Ventura); Only member of original "Predator" cast not elected to major public office, wants to get that monkey off his back (Weathers)
Endorsed by: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, NOT the State of Minnesota, Alien

Prepared Statement:
JV: Hi, I'm Jesse the Body Ventura, former Governor of Minnesota, and clearly the most qualified man for this job.  Vote for me.  Thank you, good night.
CW: Umm, Jess, you think maybe you should put a little more effort into this?
JV: Why, Carl? Vince is paying me a ridiculous amount to show up for a few weeks on his TV shows because he thinks I'll make this election scam seem legitimate. He doesn't actually want me to win. He can't afford to pay me for four years, anyway.  For four weeks, I'm getting more than the Diva Search winner.  Didn't you hear, I'm a Major Hollywood Movie Star and Former Governor?!?  I am exactly as important and famous as Ah-nold!
CW: Oh, gotcha boss. But still, maybe you could at least pretend... you know, maybe do a few catchphrases, or something?
JV: Jesus, Weathers, I didn't know you were taking this so seriously... OK: hey everybody, I'm Jesse the Body Ventura, and I'm the only candidate out here telling it like it is.  So vote for me, cuz I ain't got time to bleed. SHUT UP, MCMAHON!  Happy, now?
CW: Yeah, sure, I guess. [Jesse leaves, chuckling contentedly and counting his money.] Fuck, I KNEW I should have asked Mr. T if he wanted to run, instead....  Hulk Hogan would have TOTALLY campaigned for us....

 
So there you have it....  each party has six candidates running for the highest office in all the land.  Or at least, in all the Fed.

Assuming that you've enjoyed this introduction, we SHOULD be reprising this Red Hot Campaign four more times between now and the first Tuesday in November. Keep an eye out on random Fridays this fall when Erin claims she's all busy with classes (a likely story!) and when I claim there's no real news to talk about (a likely story! it has NOTHING to do for covering my ass when I drink my face off on a Thursday night!).  "Hail to the Crap" should be a nice crutch upon which to fall back a few times here in the next several months...  or at least, I hope it will be.

That's the part that's up to you.  Remember, this is a quasi-democracy!  So drop me a line and let me know who you're supporting and why!  And maybe, perhaps, possibly you'll shape the very fiber of American Society with your vote.  Or at least the fiber of WWE.  Or, goddammit, the fiber of the FAKE WWE that I'm creating for my own nefarious purposes here.

Speak up, be heard!


  
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E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.