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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: MAIL BAG EDITION
Letters TO a Nut:
The Rick Becomes The Prick~!
August 19, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Normally, if you see anything out of me on Thursdays, it's an ancient OOld School column from the NFD, WrestleManiacs, or WrestleLine.
 
Today, I've got a bug far enough up my ass to try something a little different. For some reason, it seems like I've FINALLY become a sufficiently incendiary personality that I'm getting (a) even more mail than usual, and (b) a significant proportion of it is NOT kissing my ass. THIS I am not used to. I believe the issue of one Young Randall Orton has been the primary lightning rod

here, making it OK for you to finally find fault with The Rick's Mighty Wrestling Acumen.  It's not that I don't like him, per se, it's that I definitely don't like him enough to want to see him trying to carry one of my 2 hour wrestling shows.

But to a significant proportion of you, he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or at least, since Brock Lesnar. So you're seeing cracks in my formidable facade, and once you spot the cracks, you're lining up with sledgehammers to knock me down. Paranoid, maybe hyperbolizing, am I? I dunno, maybe a bit. But actually, not at all! The upswing in critiques is real, but it doesn't really grate on me that much: I got some good advice a couple days ago, along the lines of "Screw 'em, you know you're right." Strangely, this advice did NOT come from the Ghost of Kurt Cobain while I was drunk off my ass....  

Anyway, maybe I should feel proud that I'm Inciting a Response, instead of lingering in the same murky bog of the Middle Ground where I've resided for most of the past 6 years? Except I'm not doing it on purpose. Only weak-minded schmucks (possibly including Your WWE Champion?) would feel proud for getting pissy responses from internet fans by Playing the Heel!

And plus, I honestly don't think I've ever said anything THAT seriously heinous about Randy Orton. Oh, we'll agree that Jokes Have Been Made... but at the heart of the matter, I think many of you are missing the point when you mail in to lambaste me about Randy Orton.  And further, I think this perception that The Rick is Losing It (launched by my "hatred" of Orton) has made it OK to start calling me on the carpet for other things.  But kids, I'm just as right about those as I am about Orton.

Trust me.

So, what to do about it?  Well, the simple truth is that I am a Smart Man.  I am an Insightful Man.  I am also a Witty Man, a Charming Man, a Handsome Man, and above all, a Gentleman.  But sadly, all that is overshadowed by the fact that I am a Lazy Man.  I can't fashion a personal response to everybody who's mailed in to me missing the point.  Well, I COULD, but I prefer not to; I prefer to use my 2% response ratio on people who are actually wanting to do Spoiler reports or send me tapes or shit like that.  I have no time for you maroons!

In a lot of ways, I consider my thrice-weekly columns and once-weekly recap to be a MORE than adequate dialogue in which you can see my oblique responses to your mails. You write in, and yes, I DO digest all that, and it factors into how I present my opinions the next time. Which you should read and factor into YOUR opinions about my opinions. But that only works if you're smart and paying attention.  Which I'm rapidly starting to think is NOT the case.

I'm left with one option: to use a public forum to DIRECTLY reply to some of the most representative e-mails I've gotten in the last week or so. I've been threatening to do this piece for a couple nights, now, but as I sit down to finally do it, I realize that it need not even be THAT involved a project.

Originally, I'd envisioned having a dozen or more really obnoxiously dumb e-mails as my Representative Sample. Then I remembered I had One True Crowning Jewel of Annoying (which I'll use as my Main Event, here), and it encompassed so many of the topics I wanted to reply to that really, I only need to use about 5-6 mails to get the job done, here. And they may not even be the dumbest: just the ones I need to hit the Highlights of Wrong...

It may only be 5-6 mails here in this column, but trust me, these represent a good 150 or more messages in my actual box. It's hard to say exactly, but I know there's a SHITLOAD about Orton, there's a LOT about politics, there's a LOT about my "Hail to the Crap," there's slightly less about the Hulk and dress codes and paychecks and other ancillary topics.  And if you add them up, I'll eat a bug if it's not comfortably into the hundreds of you who REALLY need to perk up and pay attention here.  I'm talking to YOU.  The e-mail might have somebody else's name on it, but the response, baby, it's for YOU to take to heart, dumdum.

And so we ride! A veritable How Not To Clinic follows!  Sorry to the people I'm publicly rebuking, here, for you will NOT get equal time (except for in my in-box)...  nor will I fix your spelling and grammar mistakes when republishing your gems!  Maybe take solace in the fact that of all the people who've said Wrong Things to me lately, you're the ones who said it SO RIGHT that you get singled out for special treatment.  Said them well enough that I could actually wrap my brain around your message, anyway.  Which is rare on some of these topics.

But mostly realize that maybe I've picked the wrong week to stop huffing gas, but YOU picked the wrong week to put your unique brand of sand in my vagina!

E-Mail The First
The "Lay Off Orton and Cena" Issue

From: [address withheld because this guy actually
         has one of those disclaimers at the end of
         the message about not publicly disseminating
         the contents of said message; weirdo]
Subject: You are a getting getting stale...

Your constant complaining about Orton and Cena is starting to become so tired...  You're like a lil b-tch...    You used to NOT be one of those whiney interenet jerk offs..  BUT..  Now you slam Orton and Cena like all those douches slam HHH... 

Rick Rebuttal #1a:  So good for me, I'm like a Post-Modern Douche? Beats being like a little bitch! C'mon [name withheld], you can swear here at OO!  

And why not relax and quit jumping at shadows. When have I EVER said anything other than "Orton and Cena are the next generation of main event mega stars"?  I consider it such a foregone conclusion that I got into an argument not one month ago over which of the two would win Major Gold first.  And I lost the argument because I felt that strongly about Cena's upside.

Please do not confuse my criticisms of individual performances or current packaging with slams. Or perhaps that's too subtle a distinction? What I do to JBL, what I'll probably be doing again with John Heidenreich, what I've done to Big Show in the past (but which he came out and made me eat crow on)... THOSE are slam.  The absence of me continually puckering up to plant my lips on Orton and Cena's asses is NOT a slam.  Clear?

I've got nothing against Orton other than the velocity and timing of his present push. Please refer to Just About Every Column I've Written In the Last Month (and this time pay attention), and also to E-Mail #5 for ample evidence.  And I've got nothing against Cena that I'd wager HEAVILY that Cena himself didn't much care for: when he was in control of his character at the outset, he won me over. Now he's got writers putting catchphrases and poop/fart jokes in his mouth, and he's an embarrassment. Unless you're in the third grade, in which case maybe he's still funny.

hey.. just cuz you don't work out, get zero a$$ and don't like hip hop don't hate on those who do....  

Rick Rebuttal #1b: Oh, I get it now!  "Don't work out and get no tail" translates roughly into "fat and gay."  Thanks for writing in JBL! And for contributing one of the most singularly idiotic observations I've seen in the past week!

Or perhaps I should retort in kind: "hey.. just cuz you think randy orton is a ripped, virile stud, don't make me want to kiss his waxed ass cheeks, too."

Honestly: if you want to give Cena free pass after free pass just because you're into hip-hop and Cena somehow represents the pinnacle of that genre, fine.  He's speaking your language, and apparently, that trumps the CONTENT of his words. Nobody enjoys Cena more than me when he's being clever. That simply hasn't happened as much in the last 6 months as it did for the year preceding, though.

But if you want to support Randy Orton because he works out and allegedly gets laid a lot? I don't even know WHERE to begin making fun of you there. It's OK for the guy to be Flamboyantly Mediocre to you, as long as he Looks Good Doing It? I'm sorry, but I grade my Professional Wrestlers on other attributes...  if you don't want to adopt some similar set of criteria, I'd suggest maybe wrestling isn't the hobby for you. Again, I must resist the urge to make jokes about where one might find chisled hunks of man-meat to deify... but I think you get the idea.

 
E-Mail The Second
The Homo-/Metro-sexuality Issue

From: bdiddyci#aol.com (# is my considerate SPAM
            guard; even my Blood Enemies don't deserve
            the level of SPAM I get for posting my address
            on these pages)
Subject: (no subject) 

I AM AN ADVENT READER  OF YOUR COLUMNS.......YOUR WRITING IS SUPERB AND USUALLY VER Y INSIGHTFUL......I ONLY HAVE ONE PROBLEM......WHAT IS YOUR RATIONALE FOR HATING RANDY ORTON SO MUCH?......I HAVE BEEN AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF WRESTLING FOR 25 YEARS.....( I AM NOW 32)......GRANTED, RANDY ORTON IS NOT THE GREATEST WRESTLER IN  HISTORY......BUT HE IS FAR FROM THE WORST.....BUT THAT IS NOT M BIGGEST GRIPE.....THAT WOULD BE THE FACT THAT U FIND HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES IN HIM....I FAIL TO SEE IT....YOUR FREQUENT REFERENCES TO IT MAKE ME WONDER WHY HATE HIM SO MUCH......IS IT BECAUSE HE'S GOOD LOOKING?......I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF HOUSE SHOWS AND HE GETS GREAT RESPONSES......I AM A FULLY HETEROSEXUAL MALE......I WOULD BE THE FIRST TO POINT OUT HIS TENDENCIES....BUT I NEVER SEE IT......I THINK HE'LL BE A GOOD BABYFACE CHAMP BEFORE BECOMING A GREAT HEEL CHAMP.....I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR RESPONSE

Rick Rebuttal #2: Glory be! The "I'm SO totally not gay, and I'd make fun of anybody who was, but Randy's so totally NOT gay, too" e-mail! A perfect representative choice for an entire class of messages I've been getting since March, with the "I'm SO totally not gay" Bonus Track!

The short answer: Christ, it's a joke. It's BEEN a joke for about 6 months. And pardon me for thinking it's a damned funny one.  Go back and re-read the handful of columns I did in the last half of March, if you need a refresher. The culmination of my free-form riffing is one of my Favorite Columns of the Year.

Do I actually think Randy Orton is gay? Of course not. No more than I think [name withheld] in that first e-mail is gay. But sometimes, a guy will say or do the wrong thing at exactly the right time, and an asshole like me will pounce on it, possibly even take it out of context, amplify it, and try to milk it for a few laughs. It's what I do.  Orton's critical mistake: being caught on TV drinking a beer with fruit in it. From there, the metrosexuality practically wrote itself for Young Randall!

And I make no apologies for having my own ideas of what it is to be A Guy. Randy Orton, at least in his public persona, is a male (a Straight Male, even!), but he's not A Guy.  And males who are Not Guys have always been really funny to me.  I can't explain why, exactly, but there's something laughably-insecure about trying SO hard to be attractive and hip that you'll start taking advice on what it means to be a man from the "Queer Eye" guys.  I bet Randy Orton wears cologne, puts "product" in his hair, gets facials and manicures, and actually puts more than 5 minutes of thought into what he's going to wear out.

And if he doesn't? Well, he still puts fruit in his beer, and it remains howlingly funny to me to pretend he does the rest of this shit, too. Deal with it.

Also: I thought it EXTREMELY funny that this particular reader's best defense of Orton is apparently that "Hey, quit ripping on his push. He clearly deserves it. Because he's not gay."

 
E-Mail the Third
The "OO Becomes Dumbass Sportstalk Radio" Issue

From: y2jnewhero#hotmail.com
Subject: Wednesday rant

Who are you to say what the fans should and shouldn't care about (in regards to wrestler's paychecks)??  First of all, tons and tons of baseball, football, basketball, etc fans care about those player's salaries on a daily basis, so why is it wrong for wrestling fans?  Secondly, as a fan who is also doing some pro-wrestling training of my own, I would love to know that WWE is paying the wrestlers who bring the most entertainment to the table.

Mike

Rick Rebuttal #3: You're right... tons and tons of sports fans DO care about player salaries. And their uninformed ravings make Sports Radio one of the most soul-crushingly retarded genres on the airwaves.

In some cases, maybe it's an appropriate discussion: small market teams, salary cap considerations, and ONLY if you can guarantee a retard-free panel of debaters.  For instance, I think it's reasonable for ME (as a knowledgeable fan) to look at my Beloved Cincinnati Reds payroll and notice a few annoying anomalies; because we have a tight-ass owner and a strict budget, fans who take the time to know what they're talking about MAY (in this case) take an interest in their team's finances.  But except in these cases where a team's finances directly affects the quality of the roster, fans really shouldn't care much about finances or relative pay or anything like that.

You'll recall that the issue that got wrestling fans mailing in about wrestlers' paychecks was that WWE put Diva Dodgeball on the SummerSlam PPV, ostensibly erasing a PPV Bonus Check for 2 or more wrestlers who could have had an actual match in that slot. And I really don't see why any sane fan could possibly care about that.

For one thing: would you have REALLY rather had a match in that spot? Really? A 90 second match? No you wouldn't have. It would have been pointless, and you'd have bitched because the Cruisers didn't get enough time to shine.

For another: fans should only really care about the entertainment value of the product, not so much about who's getting paid what. And specifically to Mike (the reason I selected his mail, even though it wasn't nearly as obnoxious or illiterately-presented as others who took me to task on this matter): WWE isn't gonna be paying ANYone based on the "entertainment" they bring to the table.  They're gonna pay them based on the dolla dolla bills they bring to the bottom line.  Or the PERCEPTION of bringing in money, anyway.

Sometimes Vince is wrong and gives 10 year contracts to wastes of space like Mark Henry, and invests a quarter of a million dollars in a Diva Search.  I reassert that there is little reason for fans or even aspiring wrestlers to care about WWE's internal pay structure, because really all you need to know should be self-evident: if you can make WWE some money, you will be compensated.

This is one of those brain-mushening non-issues that I can't fathom why people keep wanting to talk about.... which is a perfect segue into....


E-Mail the Fourth
The "Paychecks Aren't Dumb Enough, Here's Another One" Issue

From: luminatrix79#yahoo.com
Subject: whats the point

HERES SUMTHING I READ ON ANOTHER SITE THAT I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT ON WEDS ONSLAUGHT

WWE is planning to start handing out fines to many wrestlers who have violated the company's new dress code. Wrestlers are now required to wear slacks and a shirt on flights, at arenas, etc.

IM CURIOUS WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WWE FORCING WRESTLERS TO WEAR NICE CLOTHS PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS

Rick Rebuttal #4: Sweet Jesus...

First, thanks for the Hot Tip~!  I know OO's not all about scoring huge scOOps, and is sometimes a day or two behind on news, but I'm vaguely insulted that somebody cut and pasted something from 1Wrestling or whatever and sent it to me thinking they'd be adding to my knowledge base.

Sometimes, kids, there's just some news that ain't news. Here at OO, you get 2 or 3 new columns/recaps per day and nothing on weekends, and frankly, I suggest that it's ALL important. Other sites, they go "newsboard style" and to generate the clicks, they'll turn anything into a news story.  I remember the dumbass "turning Test and Christian's haircuts into an international incident" event of 2003, for instance...  and much like that, WWE's New Dress Code is simply not news.  Anymore than SummerSlam Bonus Checks is something you have any business caring about.

For one: yes, the new dress code is real, but if WWE thinks that THIS is the answer to their problems then they are very, very stupid. And for two: you are even stupider for caring about a silly, minor policy change that will never, in one million years, affect what you see on TV.

And now....


E-Mail the Fifth
Simply Known As: The Main Event of Wrong

From: drcrozack#yahoo.com
Subject: about raw recap and wed. OO

Rick, seriously.  I really hope the nature of your most recent Raw recap and OO was due to sleep deprivation.  Because they were your worst outings in recent memory, even though this has been going downhill for a while. (I won't even mention your Friday OO, where instead of good wrestling analysis we got...mock presidential candidates...)

Rick Rebuttal #5a: Wow. I cannot tell you how heartening it is to see that "Hail to the Crap" is so loathed that even a week after the fact, people feel the need to tell me to cut it out and stick to wrestling news.

Well, no accounting for taste. But pal, just know that you're not exactly in the minority, and I just thank you for NOT being one of the ones who suggested I was doing a lame impersonation of Matt Hocking. THAT did irk me.

But guess what? Sometimes there just ain't shit to talk about on Fridays, so even if half you morons didn't like it, the OO version of the WWE Presidential Race is very likely to continue! Because *I* think it's funny. And again, I know I'm right.

Let me tell you what got under my skin:
 
-Just stop with the politics.  I've read all that you have to say and it seems clear to me that you're just another who sees the Daily Show (as brilliant as it truly is) and takes that as real political analysis.  

Rick Rebuttal #5b: Oh lord. 

I view the Daily Show as Real Political Satire. I view Online Onslaught as Real Wrestling Coverage. You want Real Political Analysis out of me, I'll cut the Entertainment Lobe out of my brain, and hit you up with the Real Stuff on NPR or something. So sue me if I'm trying to make a few (honestly held) points in a brief and unboring way.

The idea that you condone voting for a third party just to stick it in the face of the major political parties is absurd.  

Rick Rebuttal #5c: Are you even READING my brief and unboring Political Ravings? Or just making them up in your head?

This is exactly what I DON'T condone. Witness my claim that come November I fully intend to have done my (non-Daily Show~!) research and decide which candidate comes closest to not pissing me off.

And please stop talking politics when I want a wrestling recap.  It's obvious you don't what you're talking about (as the White House has already condemned that Kerry ad...look it up.  And the idea that the White House would dismiss John McCain, the most powerful Republican, not affiliated with the White House, is absurd).

Rick Rebuttal #5d: If I'm increasingly off-topic and chatty, I'm sorry. It's my idea of making y'all comfortable with exactly who the guy is that EVENTUALLY gets around to giving you the wrestling news...

And it's obvious that you're just making shit up again. Regarding the Kerry campaign ad and McCain denouncement and White House response, the facts are: some soft money group fabricates an anti-Kerry ad, Republican McCain exhibits independent thought and realizes the ad is bullshit and insists the that White House join him in denouncing it, the White House declines to do so and a spokesman actually intimates that campaign reform laws championed by McCain were the reason why those ads were able to reach the airwaves.  

And I am NOT making this up.  Unless the AP is making it up.  And I don't think they're allowed to do that.

Rick, I know you've heard this before, but just stop with the Randy Orton bashing.  Look, you say that you're up for the idea of Orton improving and that you can see it happening down the line and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what their talking about.  Sorry, Rick.  Anyone can look at your recaps and thoughts on Randy Orton and see that you're not giving him a chance.  

Rick Rebuttal #5e: Sorry, pal, but I know you SHOULD have heard this before, but just stop with accusing me of Orton bashing.  Look, I've said I'm up for the idea of Orton improving and see it happening down the line, and that anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about. AND THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IS THE CASE.

Man alive, I merely ask you to apply common sense. Because I don't have the time or energy to PRETEND to see the promise in Orton, to generate any number of ideas for how he could be a breakout champion before the end of the year, and to advocate his role in a co-main event at WM21...  I have never attempted to mislead you on this, and would have to be some kind of fucking loser to invest time into CLAIMING to see promise in Orton only to have it be part of a massive scheme to tear him down.

If you actually believe I have the motivation to pull off this scam, fine, pal. But you could not possibly be missing the point any worse. It's almost pitiable, really.

You yourself admitted that Randy was good to shift gears when the eliminated Diva contestant wasn't crying or disappointed.  Yet, even after that deduction, you say he's...reading off the written page.  Uh, Rick, sorry, but no one memorizes a twelve minute speech.  It doesn't happen.  I'll admit that they probably told him to go out there and harp on the things they chose, but he was clearly not trying remember an entire laid out speech. 

Rick Rebuttal #5f: you're right, and maybe I mis-explained myself.  When Orton is actually trying to remember memorized lines, it comes off more like his backstage promo the week before.  The destiny one. Painfully stilted and unnatural sounding.

Orton's at his best when he's not necessarily "on the written page," but when he is working from an outline, and is then able to deliver and punctuate it a bit more naturally. My only point was that when he deviated from the outline and tried to improv, he started showcasing a lack of understanding of what words mean and kind of annoyed me in doing so. Then when he was back on the outline, he was much better. Fair 'nuff?  

The most ridiculous idea that I've heard you say in LONG time is that WWE is pushing Orton because they want their youngest champ to actually work for the company.  Oh, god, where do I start with this?  

Rick Rebuttal #5g: With the fact that I'm probably at least partly right?  WWE is so intent on playing the Youngest Ever card that they are bastardizing their own history to eliminate Brock Lesnar's acheivement.  

Fact: Brock Lesnar is STILL the Youngest WWE Champion in History.  Fact: Randy Orton is the Youngest World Heavyweight Champion in the 2-year history of that belt.  Fact:  WWE has ignored this distinction because THEY want to tell a particular story. Whatever their motivation is, I'd hope we could both agree that it's one that most fans don't care about and that some other fans can see through. 

Okay, and here's something I don't want to do, but I feel it's necessary.  Your diva McCool or whatever her name is, didn't make eye contact with Orton, because...get this...SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO!  She wasn't supposed to do anything but stand there and look good!  If you rewind your precious DVR, you'll see the other contestants were doing the same.

Rick Rebuttal #5h: It's a moot point now, since I never actually re-wound anything to check out something so insignificant. It was more a stream of consciousness observation that I decided to turn into a joke: the other vapid divas are eating Randy Orton up like Eye Candy, and the one contestant I decided to latch onto was chuckling at his verbal ineptitude and avoiding looking at Dumbo McLinemangler.  Maybe I was hyperbolizing, maybe I was reading more into it, but guess what? It doesn't matter, cuz it was just a throw-away observation.

Oh, and another "thank you" actually: in all the e-mails I've gotten about my idiotic attachment to Michelle McCool, yours is one of the few that didn't note her aloofness and declare that she was a bitch for acting all "too McCool for school," instead of enthusiastically getting into the dancing and ice cream licking and other shit.  I appreciate that.

And, yes, Rick, you can suppress feelings of 'failure'.  It's like when you go to a job interview and don't get it.  Do you come out thinking 'oh, god, I'm sooo lame!  I'll never get a job!'.  No, you suck it up and try again.  You are repressing feelings that you are a failure. 

Rick Rebuttal #5i: Simply put, "failure" and "denial" are NOT emotions by any definitions. The only thing they have in common with emotions are that, linguistically speaking, they are both nouns.

I refuse to explain this any further, as anyone who would even ATTEMPT to debate the issue is clearly a lost cause.

Finally, the thing that ticked me off the most about your analysis during the Raw Recap was this:  when you recapped what you were doing at 24.  Rick, I know you understand this, Orton was going for the feeling of anger that you felt when you said that.  Rick, most people at 24 were finishing college or getting that great job or even starting families.  Orton was trying to get under their skin.  I'm VERY surprised you did not understand that.

Rick Rebuttal #5j: My riffing on what I was doing at 24 was more offhand humor attempting to spotlight Randy's metrosexuality and sub-normal intelligence! I was trying to entertain the masses.  I'm VERY surprised that you did not understand that.

Rick, someone has to tell you this.  A DVR does not make you cool.  I'm sorry.  Whenever Kane/Lita/Matt or the Diva Search pops up on my screen, guess what I do?  Yep.  Change the channel.  Seems alot of people were doing that on Monday.  Just because we don't have a DVR does not mean that we're any more susceptible to the suck than you are.  We just handle it differently.

Rick Rebuttal #5k: No a DVR does NOT make me cool. But if I keep at it, my constant plugs will SURELY net me a cushy job at Time Warner HQ (or at least Free Cable Service), right?

And thank you for explaining how you handle crap. I remember those days, my own self. And I happen to think it's somewhat helpful of me to point out how *I* deal with it now, because that way, readers can understand where any deviations in our opinions might come from.

 
And, Rick, just because you didn't know about Monday Night Football doesn't mean the rest of us didn't.  The Bengals and Giants are two of the least fan supported teams anyway, so why that was a reason you gave for people not caring is beyond me.  This was between the Denver Broncos and the Washington Redskins (who created a blockbuster trade with Clinton Portis and Champ Bailey switching teams), two of the most fan supported teams in the league.  So, while you might not have been watching, a whole hellovalot of people were, especially since this was their first fix of football in a long time.  That's why Raw's rating was down.  People switched the channel during suck parts and football kept them away.

Rick Rebuttal #5k: OK, so my two favorite teams suck, but the two who were playing on that Monday night don't, and so somehow, that's incontrovertible evidence that I'm a Loser for suggesting a fucking PRESEASON football game might not be the main impact on RAW's ratings. 

Do me a favor: check last Monday's RAW rating (small), check the football game it was up against (small, at least by comparison to what regular season games will deliver), check THIS Monday's RAW (again small, and with no football game)... and then tell me again that I was wrong for suggesting that Monday Night Football was a mild (at best) influence on RAW's rating last week.  I dare you.

Rick, you know the reason why Marvel Comics wants WWE to pay royalties on the 'Hulk' name?  It's not because adults would get them confused.  It's because CHILDREN would.  

Rick Rebuttal #5l: Well, maybe STUPID children.

I know because when I was a child, for a while I thought that Hogan was caught in a gamma bomb blast that transformed him into a great wrestler.  

Rick Rebuttal #5m: Whoops, perhaps I said too much.

Children are still drawn to the Hogan mythos whenever he shows up in a WWE ring, and they still love the idea of being able to transform themselves into a hulking, green monster.  And, Rick, please.  The Incredible Hulk is not a cartoon character.  Again, you're talking about something you don't know all the facts about.  Stop.

Rick Rebuttal #5n: The Incredible Hulk is SO a cartoon character. Otherwise, please explain that CARTOON I used to watch every Saturday morning before my bowling league back in like 2nd grade!

You know what: don't bother explaining.  I know exactly what you're getting at, and I just don't give a damn.  I'd mock further, but any comic book fanatic so insulated from the real world that he felt the need to defend Marvel's right to the word "hulk" has probably mocked himself more than enough already....

For god's sake, we know all the reasons why Kane/Matt/Lita sucks.  You don't have to bash us over the head with it in a thinly-veiled attempt to vent rage at WWE.

Rick Rebuttal #5o: So I can't point out Randy Orton's short-comings because they don't exist. And I can't point out the Kane/Matt/Lita shortcomings because the DO exist?

That's it, kids: I'm shutting down OO. There is, apparently nothing left for me to say to you that wouldn't either be False or Too Obvious. Thank this guy for pointing me in the right direction!

You are insulting every wrestling fan's intelligence when you say the reason we want to cheer for Randy Orton is because we aspire to be him.  That is so dumb I don't even want to go into why.  

Rick Rebuttal #5p: Then please to explain why I didn't even suggest this theory UNTIL I MET RANDY ORTON FANS WHO CLEARLY WANTED TO EMULATE HIM?  I mean, met them, talked to them, soaked in their sheer mediocrity...

It may be dumb that people like this exist, I agree. But it's not dumb of me to suggest that at least some (and I suspect a large percentage) of Orton's fans do look at him as something to emulate.  Because they do exist, and they're the reason I even started to posit this theory.

Could it be, Rick, that we cheer for him occasionally because...oh, no...just because...here it comes...IT'S FUN TO CHEER FOR THE HEEL EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE?  Yes, that's it.  Simple.  There is no deep psychological longing to be Randy Orton.  You've seen it happen with Austin, Brock, Angle and Cena when they were heels. 

Rick Rebuttal #5q: Anybody (except for Canadians, you wacky Canucks just keep on fucking with Vince's mind! Remember: HE SCREWED BRET!) who just cheers for a heel on the grounds of "well, at least he's not the guy I'm supposed to cheer for" is a freaking moron.  There had better damn well be something about a heel that appeals to you if you're gonna cheer for him.

Even if it's not a "deep psychological longing" to become that heel, it's something you personally connect with that convinces you to go against the flow. For me, even in grade school I started to sense Roddy Piper was perhaps 10 times more entertaining to listen to than Hulk Hogan, and luckily, before I had to do anything TOO mutinous, the WWF turned him babyface.  Then came Mr. Perfect, who had My Hairstyle At The Time And Also Kicked Ass, and he was the next heel I cheered for.  More recently, the reason a guy like Austin gets over is because he's so anti-authority that anybody who's ever had a shitty boss would love to emulate him.

There's no such thing as just cheering for a heel cuz you feel like it. Again, unless you're a moron, or you're a Canadian.

Anyway, look, this was written to vent some anger at your unfounded own anger.  I still immensely respect and enjoy the articles and news you put out on your website.  It's still loads better than any other wrestling site out there.  That's why it irritates me so to read these ridiculous assumptions and 'analysis' when I know you could do better, Rick.

Rick Rebuttal #5r: D'oh. I take it all back!

Except not really.  I appreciate the civilized closing statement, I guess, and I've probably just cost myself a fan... but the simple fact is that I see nothing unfounded in anything I've written in the last few weeks, and see LOADS unfounded in this e-mail.  So much so that I decided to use it, instead of 8 or 10 other messages: why go piecemeal when there's one guy who got it so wrong all in one place?

What could be more pRick-ish than taking a guy who honestly thought he was Pointing Me In The Right Direction and telling him he's an idiot?  Nothing....

I think what it comes down to is that I could say do things you agree with more readily... but I don't think I could do much "better" than I am right now: Randy Orton has NOT been handled properly, "Hail to the Crap" WAS loads of fun, dress codes and PPV bonuses ARE nonsensical issues to talk about, Randy Orton's metrosexuality IS a funny little quirk of his, poop jokes are NOT amusing, US politics IS a soul-crushing cesspool of corruption and self-interest, Marvel Comics should NOT have a legal claim to the word "Hulk"....

And bottom line: I know I'm right. And if you're gonna try to tell me I'm wrong, I beg and plead with you: make it better than this, people. Try to make some sense, try to respond to What I Actually Say (instead of what you're imagining I'm saying), and if it won't kill you, lay off the caps-lock and try to abide by at least SOME of the basic rules of spelling and grammar.

Thanks. To quote my former reader: "I know you can do better." 


  
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E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 

 


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