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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
The Greatest and Best Spoilers
In the World
November 16, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

WWE came back to Dayton with the TV cameras... and I *guess* we gave them what they wanted. Kind of.  I mean, we were loud.  Those of us who showed up, at least.
 
My adopted hometown didn't show up in numbers, make no mistake.  The 8000 or so who were here for RAW? At least half of them stayed home tonight. With almost exactly half of the Wright State (Wrong School!) Nutter Center tarped off, WWE STILL didn't fill every available seat. If there were 3500 people in the building tonight, I'd be shocked.  And how

many of THOSE paid?  And kids, I'm here to tell you: I love being Johnny Hotshot in this podunk burg -- I love getting drinks for free, and walking into bars and having people say, "Hey you were in suchandsuchaband," and so forth -- but I'm also the first to admit that there was nothing better to do on a Tuesday night besides hit some TV Rasslin'.... cuz this place sucks.

And still: we got about a third-of-a-house.  Ouch.  To every one of you Mediocrity Loving Bitches who mails in to tell me to relax and just appreciate the product, I happily submit *this* as proof that I'm not out-of-touch or off-my-rocker or anything else.  When I say something sucks, it's because IT DOES.  When half the audience that was inspired to come out to a live RAW six months ago can't be bothered (and when I'm forced to be a few minutes late because *I* can't scare up company -- not even ONE other person -- even with three free tickets in my arsenal and after we had a half-dozen for RAW), that's a problem.  And it ain't *my* problem.  It's WWE's problem.

I've struggled with this for a few minutes tonight: what's my Overriding Thesis for this recap?  And this is what I got... the fact that WWE has pretty much whittled its audience down to the core.  The people who were here for "TL Plopper" or whatever his name was are what's left.  That sad place I was at in 1994 is where I'm at again in 2004.  I sat here and IN ALL SERIOUSNESS had what passed for a "conversation" with a girl who wanted to know what I thought about a tag team title match; she wore a femullet, and she axed me "You can't like that Tye-jeeri guy can you?"...  Good christ, WWE, you've made me feel bad for supporting your product tonight.  I am now equals with some girl who shares a hairstyle with Reba McIntyre and an intellect with Eugene.  "He's slanty-eyed, he must be Tye-jeeri," WHEEEE!
 
And you people wonder why I'm entering my third decade on Planet Suck and am still flamboyantly single.  The Rick's woman must at least ENDURE wrestling, and *this* is what Dayton has to offer.  Bleach blonde femullets who think Kenzo Suzuki is named "Tye-jeeeeeri".  And who probably couldn't name me one good reason why Tye-Jeeeri kicks ass if I'd stopped to ask.  Not that I did.  I actually scandalized that dum-dum by stating that I found Rene Dupree quite attractive.  Her response: "Yer too cute to be a fag" (this is verbatim, or damned close).  Me re-response: "I'd do him before I'd do you."  Thank god this was in the second half of the show and I'd got some Jim Beam in me, cuz I'm telling you, *this* was the promo of the week and it was probably powered more by whiskey than by wit.  My secret shame: I'm not entirely sure I was lying.  Another shame: know that *I* blinked first, and just walked away from her before the conversation continued.  I had nothing left, so....  still: CHRIST~! Bring me the hot poker now, my eyehole demands it~!

Just for once, I'm begging you, The E: step away from the Kool-Aid, listen to outside reason, do NOT assume that just because Vince McMahon had 2 or 3 good ideas 20 years ago that they must ALL be gold... because if you wait for the next Steve Austin to fall in your lap, that's a recipe for disaster.  I had my fun at SD! tonight, but that's cuz I'm a dork who has 20 years vested in wrestling and is being WAY to patient with you.  But even the difference between this taping and RAW six months ago is remarkable, substantial, significant, and many other adjectives.  You have a strangle hold on the Lowest Common Denominator, and nothing more.  I'm not saying there's an easy route back to 6.0 ratings and mainstream popularity, but I'm saying I should NOT be ashamed to show up at your fucking events, either.  If people like me seem to have Sandier Vaginas than usual, MAYBE, just MAYBE it's time you quit hiring fucking failed sitcom writers and telling yourself that you have to stay the course because It's All Entertainment and People Will Come Around.... because you're a fucking WRESTLING COMPANY, and you need to start acting like it.

I say that with a staunch record of fucking HATING the "wrestling fans" who trade tapes and use notepads and stopwatches and write about the form in their idiot newsletters that go by initials like "WON."  This is something you have to get out and APPRECIATE, and witness in person and stuff like that.  But nights like this one make me want to retract into my couch, limit my wit and wisdom to the audience of fans I have, and not ever, in one million years, go out in public for a wrestling show again.

Congratulations, WWE, on putting on a show tonight in Dayton that (although, if you read on, you'll find I enjoyed at times!) mostly made me feel like some kind of sick pervert.  I've downloaded porn that I've been less self-conscious about than my peer group tonight.  Seriously.  The 52nd biggest city in the nation, and you draw 3000?  Maybe 3500?  I'm here to tell you, there was nothing better doing... people just decided to stay the fuck home.  Because that beats getting lumped in with the mass of subhumanity that I saw out at the Nutt House tonight.....

How's about I quit rambling and fill you in on the details.....

THE GENERAL OBSERVATIONS

  • Like I said, I got there late, so I didn't have a WHOLE lot of time to saunter around....
     
    But the crowd was, AT MOST, 3500.  One-fifth of Wright's State's anemic Nutter Center was closed off for the stage and the FistTron and all that.  Of what remained, almost exactly one-half was tarped off.  Of what remained of the remainders, only about 90% of the seats were full.
     
    You do the math.  It ain't pretty.  And this is in a town that I happily admit blows goats on Tuesday nights.  Seriously: we all get together in the barn downtown, and watch the inbreds blow goats.  It makes us laugh.  Until I got sucked into "Veronica Mars," it's what *I* did on Tuesdays.  Good clean family fun, really. 
     
    I called some friends who went to the Goat Blowing.  They drew the usual crowd.  WWE makes not a dent.  Wheee~!
     
  • Merchandise was not NEARLY as good this time around....  
     
    Back at RAW, they had both brands, plenty of stock, pretty much anything you wanted (including lots of new stuff).  This time -- and if they had a glimpse at the advance ticket sales, I don't really blame them -- they brought the D-Game on Merch.
     
    Only SD! stuff, for the most part, and even in that sub-genre, not a whole lot of variety.  They, for instance, didn't have the almost-cool Eddie shirt (but which I'm sure I wouldn't buy cuz it's 95% likely to have lame shit on the back), but they DID have the Eddie "Faux Tabasco Sauce" shirt that is just trying too hard.  LOTS of Cena merch, too.  The "Word Life" (in the old "WrestleMania" font) was in both t-shirt and hoodie form, and as a fan of the hooded sweatshirt, I *might* get behind the latter. Those were OBVIOUSLY the best sellers on the night.  I can't count how many mulleted drunkards I saw wearing those "Word Life" T's over top of their Cleveland Browns satin-jackets.  Hey, I just live here, people.  I can't explain it.
     
    The ONLY non-SD! merch?  Goddammit, it just HAD to be the "RKO" t-shirt, didn't it?  The one with "DESTINY" on the back in the same "RKO" font.  Way to marry two concepts that suck, WWE!  The RKO and Destiny, together forever!  On a SD! show, no less.

    WHO THE FUCK HAS MY HOT POKER, DAMMIT?!?!?!?!?!
     
  • Get to the building, and I saunter in, and get this: no pat-down or anything (oh, honey pie, you KNOW I had the flask with me, since it's a required accessory to the EVIL t-shirt), but the "EVIL" t-shirt actually got me a stop-and-pause.  Why?
     
    Get THIS: the dirtstached rent-a-cop said that it was on his list of "danger" shirts (I don't actually remember, it might have been something else, but I'm calling them "Danger Shirts").  He made me take my jacket off.  Why?  
     
    Because he was looking for a "WWF" logo.  I'm not lying.  The security at the door of the Nutter Center was more concerned about a rogue WWF logo than about what was in my ass-pocket.  The only "WWF" logo on the Kaientai "EVIL" shirt is on the back, and the guy said if I promised to keep my jacket on, I could go in.
     
    Well, I'm happy to help out, Inspector Columbo.  The jacket stayed on.  The flask was VERY helpful in soothing the pain, so thanks for not looking for it, TJ Hooker.  And if *this* is what WWE is concerned about, maybe it's no wonder the product frequently underwhelms.  How about a little less time worrying about signs and t-shirts, and a little more time making sure that I don't waste 40 FUCKING MINUTES OF MY LIFE ON TOUGH ENOUGH!!!!!!!!
     
    Morons.
     
  • Stupid, pointless observation: they had the clocks off.  At RAW, they left the scoreboard clocks on.  Probably because the show was "live," and therefore the clocks wouldn't expose the show.  But here, when SD! might have started taping at 8:45 and didn't finish up till 11, they can't have that kind of Continuity Error.
     
    YAY~! WWE turned the clocks off.  Just like they checked my t-shirt.  But they STILL put 40 minutes of Tough Enough crap out there.  I dare you: tell me they aren't spending their energy the wrong way.  Tell me that.  You can't.
     
  • I wish I had more stories, but I mostly TRIED to keep to myself.  I can't help the times people engaged me, but the side of the arena where they have the only Cocktail Lounge (with hard liquor, where I needed to stay, since 6 ounces in a flask is only PART of the solution to a night out at WWE TV tapings) is also the side of the arena with the Hard Cameras (tee hee! look at the profeshonual riter do his thing! Hard Liquor, Hard Cameras!  WHEEE!), and on that side of the arena, they had the entire thing tarped off.  Seriously.  There were maybe 500 seats filled on that side, and that's where I tended to spend my time, so....
     
    No stories.  No funny meetings with Randy Orton fans, no nothing, no grand theses.  The pickin's were slim, so I just tried to enjoy the show as best I could.....
     

THE SHOW, PART ONE: THE VELOCITIZING

  • I missed a Dark Match, but believe you me, after two tries at engaging idiots in conversation resulted in two diametrically opposed tidbits, I just tossed my hands up.  I don't care.  Maybe The Good Lord Jesus H. Seriouslynotajobber came down from heaven above to wrestle Joey Matthews... I just didn't feel like getting to the bottom of that mess.  You'll never see it on TV, anyway.
     
  • I did get there just in the nick of time to see Hugh "Bill DeMott" Morrus and WWE Diva Josh Mathews come out to the ring.  One gets (and deserves) a pop, the other gets (but doesn't deserve, win over OJ aside) a pop.  Seriously, Dayton, how about we boo the tool box next time, OK?
     
  • Velocity will open on Saturday night with the Rick probably out doing something constructive with his evening.  But if you tune in, you'll be greeted by Torrie Wilson wearing short-shorts, which I guess might not be the worst thing in the world.  Some really dumb-ass half-entendres about Thanksgiving and recipes and stuffing and whatever later, and she's finally ready to shut her yapper and be the Guest Ring Announcer for our Opening Match.
     
  • Bob Holly beat Spike Dudley.  Holly, inexplicably, was even more over than Josh Mathews.  Spike?  Although he's probably one of my Top Five Favorite Heels on SD! now, was getting NOTHING from the fans.  Ingrates.  I already have suspected I'm adopted, and now I ALSO know that I don't belong in this town.  I'll get in line behind the goat next Tuesday, Dayton, and you can all blow me~!  Holly wins clean after an Alabama Slam; maybe 4-5 minutes; not bad, but not memorable, either.  Clean win for a heavyweight over the CW Champ, and you better believe that I'm actually BITING MY TONGUE to stop from saying more mean shit at this point.  Seriously.  Does Bob Holly need to be on TV?  No.  But if he does, can't he just pin Orlando Jordan or something?  Dammit....
     
  • Big Show beat Two Guys.  Exactly what you'd expect.  But get this: I'm a big enough man to admit that it's kinda fun live.  Show is one engaging mother-fucker.  His body language was tip-top, and got the fans feeling the fun that you thought HE was feeling beating on two scrubs.  Nice.  My main memory of this match was Show "shushing" the crowd; dead silence; then he'd SMACK THE SHIT out one of them with an overhand chop.  HA!  Lather, rinse, repeat.  I don't think the Two Guys even got a rally in, Show just ended up hitting a Double Chokeslam about 2-3 minutes in, and got the Double Pinfall.  HUGE pop for Show both on his entrance and his win, and damn if I didn't get a bit into it, as well.
     
  • Shannon Moore beat Akio.  So sue me, I don't watch Velocity.  Ever.  So if this is old news, I apologize: but Akio actually has a pretty cool solo entrance.  Shannon Moore, not so cool, but he's still doing that Road Warrior Gay S&M Thing he was doing when last we saw him on SD! (against, no wonder, Heidenreich, towards which all things vaguely-gay tend to gravitate).  Sounds like a Workrate Dream Match, right?  Not so much. No heat for EITHER guy, cuz Dayton doesn't like wrestling.  Also: I noticed here that there was a serious problem with the ring mics (every hit sounded soft, and the ref's counts were nearly silent and stuff; most fans don't catch that, but I did, and I knew it was a deal where they didn't have the ring mics working; trust me, it's a thing where if it's there you don't notice it, but if it's missing, it really does kill the crowd a bit)... this match wasn't great, but it probably DID deserve better than it got, and the sound problems were likely key.  VERY tepid "USA, USA" chants and rhythmic clapping when Akio went to the restholds, Shannon fired up, Akio countered.  Akio set up for a top rope Frankensteiner, but Shannon blocked it; Akio to the mat, Shannon stayed up top.  Shannon came off with a Buff Blockbuster for the pinfall win.  Maybe 6 minutes.  Not as good as you might hope, either.  Or: maybe OK, but VERY flat cuz of the crowd.
     
  • They did stop for a good 5-6 minutes to fiddle under the ring, only enhancing my confidence that this was a Ring Mic Problem.  Except that it never really got much better all night, so who knows?
     
  • WMXX DVD ad here.  I think.  Maybe it was before the Shannon/Akio match, though.
     
  • WWE's "Back to Iraq" tour is happening this holiday season. Like I said on the PPV recap, this is a neat idea, but this is also not the same Iraq as it was a year ago. I'll be honest, I don't believe in god, but if you guys are going back to Iraq at this point, I'm saying prayers for the all of you.  By the power of whiskey or Jobu or SOMEthing, may you all be safe on this trip.  
     
    Also: I gather that *this* is what Creed's Alleged Greatest Hits is supplying music for, not for "Armageddon."  So I offer All Apologies to the Broad: I am so very, very sorry that Your Dreamboat Scott Stapp will have nothing to do with the PPV coming to your hometown next month.  If it's any consolation, I hear he's a REALLY bad poker player in addition to all his other shortcomings, and maybe WWE will drag him along to Iraq and leave him in a spider hole!  Trust me, your heart may ache for up to 3 nanoseconds, but it's for the best, Erin!
     
  • Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns beat Nunzio and Funaki.  Nunzio and Funaki came out to the standard FBI entrance, which IMMEDIATELY started me down the path of wondering about whether Funaki might in in position to usurp JT Smith as the Funniest Full Blooded Italian of all times... sadly, one must get off of Velocisquash Duty to discover things like that, and it's not happening.  Very standard, very basic, very flat Formula Tag Match, with Nunzio as the ostensible Face In Peril.  Room Temperature Tag to Funaki leads to a semi-rally, which is cut short about 30 seconds in.  Nunzio is sent out of the ring, and Funaki eats what *I* am going to call the "Hart Attack Dropkick" (Luther hoists Funaki up in like a Spinebuster Position, and Jindrak uses that Vertical Leap of his to hit a killer drop kick).  Almost a babyface Respect Pop for that move, which leads to the Team Angle win.  Again, about 5 minutes, and not really worth staying home on Saturday for.  Just trust me.
     
  • At this point, we start the countdown to SD!... first: the announcers entrance.  Tazz and Cole enter together to "NOT The Theme From Tazz."  It starts out with the same heart-beat thing from Tazz's known-theme, but then it cuts into some shite.  Almost sounded like Limp Bizkit.  Which is only useful for inducing (a) vomiting in the weak-stomached, and (b) pitying laugher in the rest of us.  Still: huge pop for Tazz.  And I guess for that other guy.
     
  • Filler: a new Diva Tribute Video is shown.  And by "new," I mean BRAND FUCKING NEW.  How new?  Not a single one of the fired divas is in there.  No Gail, no Jazz, no Nidia.  And it's a mix of photo-shoot and in-ring footage, too, so just cuz Jazz isn't "TV pretty" is no excuse.  And kids, if you want to know one of the BIGGEST problems I had on this night, here it is: *in* the video are The Red Headed Spaz, Lillian Garcia, Moolah, and Mae Young.  
     
    And guess who is NOT in the video?  Not even for ONE FUCKING SECOND?  Molly.  
     
    I'm not gonna start any rumors here, but for chrissakes, this was VERY telling to me.  And if it's telling me what I THINK it's telling me, then WWE, get ready for a Virtual Sac Punch the likes of which you've not EVER gotten from me before.  You idiots really have no clue, do you?  There's room in a Diva Tribute Video for Mae "Fine, You Might Deserve My Tacit Respect For 50 Years of Service But Get the Fuck Off My TV Now And Have Some Respect For Yourself, Woman, and Don't Be the Punchline To Vince's Unfunny Jokes Anymore" Young, but Molly is apparently in a pile along with Gail and Jazz?  AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH~!  If you think I'm over-reacting, well, kidz, just read on.  Because if you think Red Headed Spaz and Mae Young are bad, it gets worse.  A LOT worse.  On the plus side: lots of Ivory in the video.  Christ, at this rate, it's looking like the 44 year old chick is gonna default into being my #2 favorite diva again....  oddly, she's STILL too young for him, but she's the only diva Lawler has NOT lusted after in the last six months.  But I guess I'll polish up my MILF fetish is this is where we're heading....
     
  • Tony Chimel hops in the ring for the customary get up, give us one more look at your signs hype thingie, and then counts us down to LIVE, ON TAPE, ONLY ON UPN......
     

THE SHOW, PART THREE: THE SMACKINGDOWNENING~!

  • Cold Open:  I fucking LOVE cold opens, and I think we get on on Thursday.  No pyro, no theme, no nothing...  straight to John Cena making a grand entrance to the ring.
     
    Huge pop, second biggest of the night, and he immediately complicates matters by mentioning "Dayton" for no good reason.  [The Rick Says: you can't be bothered to buy a Cheap Heat jersey, then you get not Cheap Pop from me.  I'd have fucking LOANED him a UD jersey, and he couldn't bother, so BOO on Cena.]  Cena goes into a non-rap segment that talks about how Carlito was man enough to steal his chain, steal his title, and have him stabbed in a nightclub (pause for reaction, but Dayton is NOT forthcoming with any "oohs" or "ahhs" at the Alleged Real Life Drama, so maybe this town is NOT retarded).  But Cena says that tonight all that matters is whether or not Carlito is man enough to step into the ring and defend the US Title.  Seemed to bring the intensity, and for all my lack of infatuation with Cena's pandering to below-average IQs, this was good stuff.  Crowd was ALL (I mean ALL) standing for this, they never sat down.  That's pretty special.
     
    Then Cena went into a rap segment.  Not so good.  Afro this, Chia Pet that.  Cena's not cool, he's on fire, so Carlito better retire.  I dunno, just really lame rhymes for the most part.  Nothing edgy at all, nothing clever, either.  The Sure To Be Censored by UPN Punchline will be "Paybacks are a BLEEEEEEEPPPP."  I'd not be put out, except that I could have written Cena a rhyme that'd have gone over GANGBUSTERS with the Dayton crowd.  Something like:
     

    So Carlito, you say you're cool /
    And I'm beggin you to prove it tonight / 
    You're just like those lying fucks in North Carolina /
    Always trying take credit as the Birthplace of Flight
     
    Dayton's where it's at, yo /
    Home of Orville and Wilbur /
    I'll make you my bitch and /
    This'll be a November to Remember
     
    So this town /
    Is where we learned to fly /
    Well you can just call me Velvet /
    And you all will see why
    [likely boos from the Wright St. crowd who do not remember Roosevelt Chapman as fondly as I do, but FUCK THEM]
     
    And last thing before I go /
    There's this guy out there named Rick /
    Well, Steph, if you don't hire his ass /
    I'm afraid you'll have to suck my
    [mic raise]
     
    WHEEEE~! I can make up rhymes only slightly less dumb than a guy who never made it past "gopher" on WKRP back in 1978!
     
    But self-serving, D-grade freestyles aren't the point.  The point is that Cena hit his "make Carlito my bitch" punchline and Dayton ate it up.  Big pop, play his music, and we're done.
     
  • Backstage: Tough Enough Crap Part One.  Somebody gets eliminationed.  Johnny Injuredribs.  I couldn't care less, and I'm not taking any more of my time recapping this....
     
  • [ads]
     

  • Tough Enough Crap, the Sure To Be Edited Down Or Else Somebody's Even More Retarded Than I Thought Edition.  So the remaining TE guys hit the ring.  Al Snow (being in his hometown, for all intents and purposes) gets a bit of a pop, and borrows against that goodwill later by channeling Mick Foley by mentioning "Dayton, OH" after the crowd has turned on the segment.  He takes about 5 minutes to intro and talk to each of the remaining guys.  The only one who gets any appreciable babyface pop is the one what took Kurt Angle two weeks ago.  The rest: apathy and some boos.  Whee.  The challenge this week is a Capture The Flag deal.  A flag is in one corner, the TE contestents (one at a time) will be in another, and in between, the Basham Brothers.  How thrilling.  I'm not recapping this shit.  Suffice to say, none of the guys overcomes the two-on-one to get the flag, and the ONLY drama of the night is when (and this is sure to not make the cameras) ONE of the Bashams appeared to get legit hurt before the last chump, and they REALLY milked it for extra time to let him recover.  But honestly, they milked it between EVERY guy.  I'm serious: stupid challenge followed by stupid interview, followed by (and I DO love you Al, but SHUT UP AND WRAP THIS SHIT UP) rambling commentary on what we just saw, and I swear to you.... final tally is close to 25 minutes (plus more before the ads), and what's the punchline: NOTHING HAPPENED~! NOBODY WON~!  YOU WASTED YOUR TIME~!  I hate you, WWE, I hate you so very, very much.  The only thing I can hope for: this was SO bloated and clearly over-long that it'll be edited for TV.  There is no fucking way they can show this whole thing if they are attempting to have non-zero ratings.   
     
  • Chavo vs. Kidman bumper.  Hey, my mood picks up!
     
  • [ads]
     
  • WM Recall: Andre and Uecker.  How did THAT ever make the annals of WM history?  Seriously?
     
  • Later Tonight: Rey Mysterio/Bob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree/Kenzo Suzuki.  As far as *I* know, this is for the titles.
     
  • Chavo Guerrero beat Billy Kidman.  Oh man, I hate you Dayton.  From the get-go, you can cut the silence with a knife.  In so far as there *is* any heat, I swear to you, the loudest chant of the first 3 minutes is some dudes in section 209 (about 4 of them) chanting "Billy, Billy."  It's here that I begin to suspect Dayton might have a problem with the non-Caucasians.  And again, I'm ashamed.  There's a BIT of half-assed rhythmic clapping once Kidman goes to the rest-holds, but Chavo fires up to DEAD SILENCE.  When he takes over the match and actually BEGS for cheers, he gets only Mixed Reactions.  Goddamn.  Unfortunately, I think it might actually have been Chavo's begging for cheers that opened the door for Kidman's re-comebackening.  With Chavo show-boating, Kidman attacked from behind, and set him up for a Shooting Star Press (in so far as there WAS a reaction for this major development, it was also mixed).  But Chavo might have played possum.  He yanks Kidman's foot down, and crotches Kidman up top.  He joins Kidman on the top rope.
     
    And kids, here, it gets ugly.
     
    They sit, they adjust, they wrangle, they your-choice-of-verbs, and it's just OBVIOUS that they're cooperating on a wrestling move.  I'm all for highspots, but I'm not for transparency of highspots, so I already got annoyed.  But then: They finally decided they had it, and the thing just flopped.  My interpretation: they were TRYING for a Top Rope GoryBomb (which would have looked SWEET AS HELL, make no mistake), but Try #1 was basically Kidman saying "Fuck this," and he took more of an inverted sunset-flip bump while Chavo TRIED to act like he had anything to do with it.  Luckily, we're on tape here, so...
     
    Re-do Time~!  Fans in Dayton are idiots, but they know a re-do when they see it, and they're already riding Chavo, and between the fact that this is just flat-out a tough move to pull off and the added pressure of the fans being pricks, he TOTALLY tanks it.  Worse than last time.  Him and Kidman just come crashing off the top together in a mess.  So Chavo hits a REGULAR GoryBomb (affirming my interpretation of the move they were TRYING for), and gets the pinfall win.
     
    Don't know HOW they'll edit this one, kids.  They could axe ALL the top rope stuff entirely and have the Gory Bomb be part of Chavo's rally; they could show the FIRST attempt (if there's a good angle) and then quick-cut to the pinfall, and use that as the finish; or they could show the SECOND attempt (missed top rope move, then regular Gory Bomb)... the the end will be Chavo pinning Kidman, no matter what.  About 5-6 minutes, and honestly: not bad, way better than the fucks in Dayton were giving it, but also not great.  And that doesn't even count the messed up final spot.  Even before that it was flaccid.
     
  • Backstage: Rey Mysterio is WALKING~!  And OMG~! he passes a Dayton Bombers logo~!  If only I cared about hockey~! And then also lacked enough excitement in my life to care about Minor League Hockey~!  Then I might give a shit~!  But Rey also walks into Bob Van Dam's dressing room.... and BVD?  He's a hit with the chicks.  And right now, he's doing some stretching.  With his new Personal Trainer.  Who just so happens to be My Michelle McCool.  Yes, the only palatable Diva Search Loser makes her TV Returnening in Dayton, OH.  Howdy, Michelle: you seem quite pretty, not to mention reasonably tolerable a personality, but please hand your contract over to Gail Kim immediately, OK?  It's for the best.... CHRIST~!  Another Diva Search Loser (even if she's my favorite one) gets hired the same week WWE puts a bullet in the Women's division (and releases a new video sans Molly)?  Crazy.  
     
    Anyway: Michelle uses her Powers of Flexibility to hit a pose that very well may inspire me to Lawler Caliber Naughty Thoughts, but that's neither here nor there.  Both BVD and Rey hit the same pose and then proceed to totally ruin things with Unfunny Dialogue that half-references the potential-naughtiness while also trying to reference their upcoming tag title match.  There is a big pop for Michelle's pelvic raise, and then nothing for the last minute of the skit.  There is ZERO punchline and the thing ends with an audible flop.  Way to go, sitcom writers~!  Sure you don't want my help?
     
  • Haas vs. Heidenreich: the history.  The showdown is next.
     
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  • Cena vs. Carlito: Flashback #1.

  • Backstage: Teddy Long is on the cell phone.  He's talking to Erin Anderson about Armageddon in Hotlanta, GA, trying to convince her to show up, and she's not interested.  No Jericho, No Broad; Teddy hangs up on her in frustration.  And just in time, because he's got to deal with an Intruder Alert.  Carlito Cool is here!  And so is our lord and savior Jesus H. Conquistador!  And so is Carlito's sling!  Because, you see, he's injured!  Bad shoulder!  And he has X-Rays to prove it!  And he can't wrestle tonight!  But maybe in 6 weeks!  But Teddy is furious about the Erin Situation, and is in no mood to haggle: the US Title match is ON for later tonight, because if John Cena can wrestle with a wounded kidney, Carlito can wrestle with a wounded shoulder.  Carlito goes into some rambling Spanglish at this point, and Teddy cuts him off, "Yo, if you ain't talking Ebonics, I don't understand a word you're sayin', playa."  And Dayton, we might hate them filthy Mexicans~! But we're LOADED with obnoxious white dudes what want to act STREET, so they LOVE Teddy for that.  Although, secretly, so did I.  Hopefully for different reasons.  Hilarious.  Carlito leaves in disgust.  But then he comes back in Even Greater Disgust.  And then he bites his apple in the Greatest Of Disgust.  And then Teddy, god bless him, just smirks and says, "Don't even think about it, playa.  You just get to steppin."  And Carlito does NOT call the bluff. Fun stuff.

  • Also Backstage: Paul Heyman is strapping Heidenreich into a straight-jacket, and talking the Big Talk.  He says that he knows Taker won the match last night, but it was a MORAL Victory for Heidenreich.  Because Heyman says he's never seen Undertaker look the way he did after that match.  He looked at Heidenreich with RESPECT, maybe even with FEAR.  He never looked at The Rock that way.  Never looked at Stone Cold Steve Austin that way.  Never looked at Hollywood Hogan that way (yes, HOLLYWOOD Hogan, and a big ol' FUCK YOU to Marvel Comics from Dayton, OH!).  Although Heyman talking and Heidenreich doing nothing is as close as we'll get to quality here, Jon decides he must speak.....  d'oh.  "Paul?  Is the jacket on?'  Paul says it is.  "Then let's get this over with."  Simple enough.
     

  • ECW DVD Bumper: Bob Van Dam vs. Ram Ram Rigelow.  Possibly one of my favorite 10 or 15 matches of the 90s, actually, but this is just the top rope into the audience senton spot...  buy the DVD, or Paul Heyman will put you through a table~!  And I'll question your fandom.  Because really, I think this thing is gonna trump almost every WWE DVD release to date in its uniqueness (Flair set exempted, since I'm STILL not over seeing all that mutli-promotional footage assembled in one spot for the Powers of Right).
     
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  • Charlie Haas beat Jon Heidenreich by Count-Out. Why Heidenreich is not huddling with Billy Gunn in the Unemployed With Good Reason Line is beyond me.  Why he's not a sad-sack heel is even more baffling.  Here, they make a big show out of his straight jacket act, CLEARLY trying to get a babyface thing going for him as the innocent monster who doesn't know any better (hey, it's a nice archetype, and this one might even by Heyman's own doing, since he's the guy what tricked us into caring about 9-1-1), but sadly, we all already know that Heidenreich blows.  Goats.  In Dayton.  On Tuesdays.  While I watch teen dramas on UPN.
     
    What?  Oh yeah, a recap....
     
    The crowd doesn't care about Heidenreich, and cares even less about Haas (which sucks).  They DO show signs of caring about Miss Jackie's attire, which would be charitably described as "almost pants."  And I'm back to cursing my home town.  [At one point, they also started chanting "We Want Lita" during a commercial break."  Morons, don't they know that she's the psychotic wench what made the Lovely and Talented Trish Stratus bleed?  Then again, during a DIFFERENT ad break, they started spontaneously WHOOOO-ing for Flair, and that wasn't so wrong....]
     
    The match is nothing.  Thirty seconds of Haas getting his ass kicked, and then suddenly, Heidenreich gets squirrelly.  Heidenreich leaves the ring.  Paces nervously.  And gets counted out.  Haas wins.  Well, well, good for him.  Too bad the story is CLEARLY Heidenreich, who starts muttering and frothing or something.  Then he collapses into the fans at ringside; at FIRST I thought he was clutching his chest, but that was just blind optimism.  Oh, Rick, tell me I didn't just say that~!  OK, I said it, but I didn't mean it; peace and long life (and no WWE Contract) to Heidenreich~!
     
    But it's not a serious health problem, it's just some kind of gay-ass anxiety attack.  Oh, the Delicate Genius of Heidenreich~!  The Poet~!  The Tortured Soul~!  I fucking hate delicate souls.  So does Dayton.  They boo briefly, and then they just stop caring.  In the ultimate show of suckiness: Heidenreich only starts to calm down when Heyman hands him his straight jacket.  Heidenreich clamps on to it like its his blankey.  Oh joy.  This REEKS of Attempted Face Turn (right down to the cute security blanket thing), but it was slaughtered by Dayton fans, and will continue to suck in every other town.
     
    Oh, that "slaughtered" thing? More Professhunal Riting!  Because when the WWE officials sprinted out to take care of poor, delicate Heidenreich, the only significant crowd response was a "Slaughter, Slaughter" chant for the Sarge.  Take a note, WWE.  This is CLEARLY a sign that the fans want less Heidenreich.  And more Sgt. Slaughter vs. Mohammed Hassan.  I mean.... DAMMIT!
     
    I can't win, can I?  An awful segment with even more awful implications for the future.  And I say that as a Charlie Haas fan; too bad him winning is not even CLOSE to being the story here.
     
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  • Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio beat Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree in what turns out is NOT a title match.  Goddamn, RVD's pyro is LOUD in person.  You folks don't know me, but take my word: I'm a fucking ROCK, not skittish at all, don't scare easy, or anything, but I leapt perceptibly at RVD's pyro. Put this with the Trish Problem from the PPV, and I'm gonna have to schedule a check up with the doc to make sure I still have male genitalia....
     
    Don't know if I'm made note of this before, but I TOTALLY dig the team entrance for Suzuki and Dupree (La Resistance March with the Kenzo Flutey Thing, conveniently in the same key, peppered in); Hiroko, god bless her, is really into it too, doing the geisha thing, but then accessorizing with French flags in her hair and stuff (making me not care a whit that Fifi is missing, since we have all our ethnocentric gimmickry wrapped up in Hiroko, who pulls it off smashingly).  I like things what are fun (like Eugene and Regal winning on RAW, for instance), and it just seems like maybe Hiroko and Kenzo are having more FUN than most on TV these days.  I think that translates to TV, too.
     
    RVD starts with Kenzo, and this is where I had that soul-crushing exchange with some girl that apparently liked the cut of my jib, but who also couldn't understand why I was amused by "Tye-Jeeeri."  Ugh.  It STILL hurts to think about that.  All RVD to start, then a tag into Rey, and it's STILL all babyfaces.  Total heat sequence, really.  A double team move or two (including a cool dual thing that's probably best called a "Double Atomic Legdrop," but which you can figure out for yourself on Thursday).  Dupree tries to come in to stop the bleeding, but succeeds only in getting HIS ass kicked as well.  Some relative highspots leave Kenzo KO'ed outside of the ring on one side (and bleeding from the mouth, maybe?), and Rene KO'ed outside of the ring on another, and RVD and Rey are in the ring celebrating.  Although we're only about 3 minutes into the match, I'll eat a bug if this wasn't a spot designed for some......
     

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  • Back, and let's be honest: during the "break," it was just posing and filler.  But also: all night, they TRIED to keep the pace going by NOT honoring the full commercial breaks.  So here, it was about 60 seconds TOPS of filler, and then Kenzo comes in, we get a quick Dupree back attack, and all of a sudden, Kenzo is in charge and Rey is your Face In Peril.  Not sure of the "when" of the comeback from break, but I'm GUESSING they might hold it off until after the heels took over, just cuz doesn't it seem like that's what WWE always does?  So Rey spends about 5 minutes getting his ass beat (which, though I love Rey, is not unentertaining, since he does it so well).  A big ol' FUCK YOU to Dayton, since they fire up a "USA USA" chant for Rey, without even a LICK of irony.  Idiots.  To his credit, BVD is also a kick-ass cheerleader outside the ring.  Stomping, pounding, doing whatever he can to induce rhythmic clapping.  I know all about this "WWE style" and how BVD probably doesn't fit in, but on the ringside cheerleading?  He's fucking awesome.  Marty Jannetty, circa 1988, could take notes.
     
    Finally, Rey hit some big spot or another (sorry, don't remember, might have been a tilt-a-whirly-reversey something that ended in a DDT, if I recall, though), and then the ref applied the double count.  At 7 or 8, Rey got a burst of energy and dived to his corner and hot tagged BVD.  Bob is a house afire for a good minute or so, but then Rene and Kenzo try to double team.  The fire is slightly moistened, but not put out~! Because here's Rey to make it a two-on-two Pier Sixer!  More chaos.  BVD hits a drop toehold on Kenzo; Rey low-bridges Rene to send him out of the ring; Rey sees Kenzo's convenient positioning, and hits a (619); Kenzo bounces back into EVEN MORE CONVENIENT POSITIONING, and BVD hits a Five Star Frog Splash.  One, two, three.  NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS~!  Very entertaining 12-15 minute match, and I'm falling all over myself trying to remember the last title change in Dayton when.....
     
    Hiroko, god bless her narrow and overly-made-up ass, grabs the tag titles  and hands them to Kenzo and Rene.  Non-title match?  Yep; turns out, the Rick wasn't paying attention earlier, and bunched his panties for no good reason.  Really solid heat on Hiroko, Kenzo, and Rene as they pose with the belts to finish the segment, and GOD did I feel stupid for thinking I just saw history made..... not that I didn't have a pretty good feeling I'd see it made in a few minutes, but still....
     
  • Cena vs. Carlito: Flashback #2.  They are doing a nice job making this feel like a big deal, actually.....  even if I KNOW I'm getting my title change later, they're making me WANT it.  Know what I mean? 
     

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  • The Kurt Angle Invitational is Open.  Here's something cool: Kurt Angle makes his first appearance of the night, and the crowd just INSTANTLY stands.  Dayton, you may be stupid sheep, but sometimes, you are led by the right man~!  And I swear, NOTHING made me more proud than to see 3000 or so dorkwads standing, pumping their fists in time with the music, and chanting "You Suck" at possibly the greatest performer in the business!  Because I was doing it too!  Sure, my reasoning might be different (I just don't want to see Kurt limp through another babyface run), but it's still goddamned FUN to be a part of that.  It's less fun to be a part of a crowd that still thinks "WHAT?" is fun (and they used it on Kurt), but whatever...  Dayton: a good 3 years behind the curve on some things.  Like I said, I just live here.
     
    Anyway, Kurt hits the ring, and he's here to talk.  Because tonight, in Dayton, OH, we launch the Kurt Angle Invitational. Every week, Kurt will go to a new town, and let some Hometown Hero try his moxie against an Olympic Hero.  And none of them stands a chance.  And Kurt's so sure that the prize will be a rich one: if any of these "hometown heros" can beat him, they will win Kurt's Gold Medals.  Huh, interesting.
     
    Although, between you and me, I KINDA want to check my schedule and see if SD! is taping in San Antone sometime soon after what I heard about Kurt and Edge's exchange at the PPV....  but I won't.  I'll leave the smarky pants bidness for the column tomorrow.  But I *think* you smell what I'm cooking...  this is WIDE open for cross-brand shenanigans, and if they want Shawn/Kurt, well, it might be on because of this gimmick....
     
    But for tonight: no gimmick.  Kurt just says, "Bring out the first chump."  And so the first chump materializes....
     
  • Kurt Angle beat Some Guy.  Kurt takes the time to give Some Guy some mic time before the match.... his name is Nobody Cares, and his Hometown is Predictable, Ohio.  Fans STILL aren't sick of hearing "Dayton," though, so they pop for it.  Not sure who this guy is based on my brief glimpse; I think his name was "Visk," maybe, can't remember (and if he's working in HWA or OVW, it might now be under that name)...  in any case, it was no "Snitsky," so we shan't be unexpectedly turning him into a semi-star just because his name is like mouth-candy (or keyboard-candy, as the case may be).  Some Guy hangs with Kurt for some mat wrestling, but then when Kurt extends the Handshake of "Wow, I Respect You for Hanging With Me," Some Guy proves that Dayton is every bit as dumb as I said.... he shakes Kurt's hand, gets an eye poke for his troubles, and from there, the squash is on.  Ends with an Angle Slam and an Ankle Lock.  Tap out. No more than 2 minutes total.  More interesting for the possibilities than it was good.
     

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  • RAW Rebound: I think.  The audio played, but no video.  And I don't recap radio.
     
  • Backstage: Orlando Jordan is WALKING~! Right into the locker room of his boss, and STILL WWE Champion, John Bradshaw Layfield.  And JBL is getting make-up applied?  Or something?  By a gir..... AH FUCK~!  Look, again, I make a big show out of pretending not to know the Diva Search Idiots, but I'm not a fucking retard, I do have a head on my shoulders.  And that's not just Some Girl.  That's Diva Search Loser Amy Weber.  Our SECOND Diva Search Loser of the night who has won a contract while Gail Kim sits at home and drowns her sorrows in the fact that This Internet Jerk-Off thinks she's at LEAST half as talented as she is hot.  When did Jerry Lawler get promoted to the front office, dammit?  And when may I punch him just on general principles?
     
    Oy.  Back to the recap: Amy is now JBL's "Image Consultant," and proves it by half-convincingly delivering her one line ("Image is everything") about five times in the span of 30 seconds.  Wheee! Molly Holly'd leave her confused as hell inside a wrestling ring, but she can read three words off a cue card~!  Clearly, this is who deserves a WWE Paycheck!  OJ admires JBL's fine taste in useless women, and then says it's time... time for what?  Time for....
     

  • Another Cena vs. Carlito Flashback.  And then time for....
     

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  • WWE 24/7 package?  Maybe.  It's getting foggy now.  This might have been earlier.  I'm the fucking smartest dude you know, but even I have my limits when it gets up on 3:30am and I'm trying to remember something I saw while drinking the whiskey.  But typing this now is better than typing it tomorrow. 
     
  • The JBL Victory Speech And Thensome.  I'm HONESTLY not sure if this all makes it to TV (they really did seem to tape about 2.5 hours of TV for a 2 hour show, and I do NOT trust them to be smart about it and cut the Tough Enough shit), but this segment seemed to last a good half-hour....  and it was good.  JBL wrestling?  Bad.  JBL talking?  Increasingly awesome.  So make him a midcard heel, and keep him out of main events, is that so hard to figure out?  Anyway, here's how this went down....
     
    JBL is out with Full Limo Entrance to good heel heat, and gets in the ring to proclaim, "It's morning again in America."  Dick.  And he compound his conservative douchebaggery by adding that he's so proud of Ohio's choice in the recent election.  DICK~!  And it's not just a cheap aside, he's going somewhere with it: cuz JBL, he might appreciate Ohio's choice, but JBL does NOT need swing states.  He's so bad-ass that he really doesn't care about stuff like that.  He coins the phrase "JBL Era," and for the life of him tries to convince me that 20 years from now I'll be using that the same way I do "Hogan Era." Which I won't.  Because I'm not a dolt.  But as heel shtick, it's actually VERY effective.  JBL doesn't go for the "Hogan Era" comparison, and instead goes MUCH, MUCH dirtier.  He says that he respects Booker and Eddie and Taker, but they are just the wrong guys at the wrong time, because this is the JBL Era, and it's like Larry Bird and Isaiah and Hakeem: they're good, but they aren't the best.  JBL compares himself to Michael Jordan, and says that everybody else is fighting for scraps of spotlight.  Which is SO bullshit, but also SO well delivered that it totally works.  If JBL tried to make reasonable claims, it would suck.  But when he does shit like this: hilarious, and hateable, and it sends him towards Honkeytonk Man territory.
     
    Actually, JBL's ricockulousness reaches incredible proportions, as he announces something along the lines of:  "Since I became WWE champion, the US economy is thriving, unemployment is down, and most importantly, there have been no major terrorist attacks on US soil."  TRIPLE DICK~!  But funny, especially when Dayton acts like he just sac-punched George W. Bush, or something.
     
    But right around here is ALSO when I think we finally got our First Interruption.  Booker T.  Decent pop for the Bookerman, who comes out and says he can't believe the MJ comparison; can't remember, but there was a line in there about Jordan never needing a House Boy to feed him steel chairs, or something like that.  Funny.  All leads up to Booker dropping the Bomb: he wants a rematch, and he wants it for the title, and he wants it TONIGHT IN DAYTON. YAY.  But also: WAIT.
     
    Cuz here comes Eddie Guerrero.  Thank got the limo moved out of the way, cuz Eddie's got a low-rider.  Damn, I've often wondered about this, but Eddie really is a good driver.  Very precise.  I mean, I could do that, too, but I'm the kind of anal jerk who does NOT like to be a passenger with certain drivers, and even with his Personal Demons (*ahem*, significant qualifier here), it seems like Eddie might be able to operate a motor vehicle quite expertly.
     
    Disappointing pop for Eddie, and again, F-U Dayton, since I think maybe you're kinda a little bit too redneck for this show.  Without getting into a whole big thing, I know SD! plays real strong in major markets and in the SW, but when you think "multiculturalism" you don't think Dayton, so.... I dunno.  I had a point, but I forget it now.  Something about me being mildly miffed, though....
     
    Eddie gets on the mic and says some stuff.  "No Disrespect to Booker" is a big part of that.... but then he builds up to HIS punchline, which is ALSO how he was dicked over by JBL and how HE wants a rematch, and so maybe HE should get that.....
     
    *BONG*
     
    *BONG*
     
    And another country heard from~!  And kids, I'm just man enough to tell you I got really excited here.  Partly because it's been damn near a decade since I saw Taker make the OOld School entrance live (and it is neato-keen), but also because I started putting the pieces together in my head for what this meant for Armageddon.
     
    Taker does the slow entry, does the eye thing, does the hat thing, and honestly, I'm loving it.  Standing, leaning forward, soaking it in, the whole nine.  And then: Taker just stands there.  Because they don't pay him enough to talk in podunk Dayton.  Or something.
     
    But JBL will talk.  He grabs a mic, and says "OK, losers, I know what this is about: you all want title shots, but guess what? I beat you all, and I'm not facing a single one of you every."
     
    Cue Teddy Long.  He's STILL trying to convince Erin Anderson to buy a ticket for Armageddon, and he's got a Major Idea; he stands on the stage and says, "You're right, JBL, you will NOT face a Single One of these guys."  Dayton, the Eugene of Wrestling Towns that it is, has Teddy beaten to the punchline....
     
    "You'll face ALL THREE OF THEM."  Big pop.  And that's saying something, because the Live Fan Instinct is to boo a sweet match that won't happen till three weeks later on PPV.  But goddamn, it IS a pretty sweet notion: JBL, all alone in a match against the three guys he has cheated out of the title for 8 months.  The DePantsing of JBL is coming at Armageddon, on PPV in December, and even sitting here in Dayton for this promo by Teddy Long just ANNOUNCING the match, I got giddy at the thought.  I don't care which of the three other guys wins, I just know that months and months of JBL's suckery might be made worth it if his demise is as delicious as I think it will be when faced with Booker, Eddie, and Taker.
     
    FYI: Teddy confirmed it's "Fatal Fourway" rules, which means NOT elimination style, but rather First Decision Style. After Teddy's announcement gets its nice pop, he's out to his music.  
     
    Then Silence.
     
    Then Booker's music.  Brief celebration, and he leaves. 
     
    Then Silence.
     
    Then Eddie's music.  Brief celebration, and he leaves.  It's like this was a Heat Check or something.  But it's also like they knew the way it'd end up, since they've still got one rather large superstar in the ring.
     
    So with Booker and Eddie gone, we enter a segment that *I* am guessing we don't see on TV.  In fact, I bet My Mighty Liver that you fans at home see Teddy Long leave, and that's it... this other 10-plus minutes was Bonus Footage, even though it kicks the ass of anything Tough Enough.
     
    In any case, once it's down to Taker in the ring, JBL gets a mic and grows a sac.  An ill-advised sac.  He announces, "This was my victory speech, how DARE you interrupt me, Undertaker."  He acts all tough and gives Taker a three-count to get out of "his" ring.  One.  Two.  Twelve.  JBL clearly doesn't want to get to "three."  He blusters further (and does it in style), he takes off his jacket (bad idea, the dude is sweating like a mother-fucker and apparently has never heard of an undershirt; very uncouth).  Finally, JBL nuts up and says "THREE."  Which is Orlando Jordan's cue to put his two cents in.  And Taker gladly changes him out.  JBL tries to attack from behind.  No dice, Taker's on that, too.  The brawl ends with OJ getting a choke slam and JBL eating a Tombstone.  HUGE pop for all this, and Taker is the only man to eclipse Cena all night in terms of popularity.  Play Taker's music, and he leaves, and everybody is happy.  And again: I'm convinced NONE of this makes TV.
     
    Further convincing me this was Bonus Footage: when JBL struggles to consciousness, he gets a mic, and goes into a 3 minute ramble about how he's never been treated to shoddily, and how he's never coming back to Ohio (YAY~!), and then takes some cheapshots at Ohio State's recent problems which I'd probably have bothered to remember if I didn't think Ohio State's recent problems were fucking hilarious and expected.  Remember, kidz: I'm a "Buckeye" in name only, but I'm a Born Hoosier~!  From beginning to end, this whole thing was a half-hour if it was a half-minute.  But the last 10 minutes or were almost certainly NOT taped for TV.  VERY fun stuff, though, and JBL went a long way to making me ALMOST think I owe him an apology.  Except for the part that he still has to wrestle, and I still have to watch.
     

  • [ads, and they also set up some weird flood light thingies on the stage, which I IMMEDIATELY knew meant more of The Suck]
     
  • SD vs. RAW for PS2 Bumper.  Dayton's so dumb they pop for Virtual John Cena.
     
  • Sure Enough, It's Tough Enough:  Al Snow parades his bitches around.  He also fucking talks to all of them, wasting a good 5 minutes of my life.  Then the customary phone number/voting thing, and NONE of these dorks sells it quite the same way Red Headed Spaz did when she was wasting my life during retarded segments like this.  Go to hell, the all of you.  And may you have nightly barbeques with Vince McMahon or whoever is responsible for this shit making it to TV.  Total Time Wasted on Tough Enough Tonight: If it's a lick under 40 minutes, you may smack my ass and call me Sally.  Please let them edit it down for Thursday night.  That still does ME no good; I had to sit through it all.
     
  • Backstage: Jesus H. Cockblocker walks in on Carlito Cool, who is being gingerly tended to by.....
     
    GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMMIT TO HELL BITCH WHORE SHITTY SHIT SHIT SHIT I HATE YOU ALL AND WILL COME TO STAMFORD TO WREAK MY VENGEANCE UNLESS YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELVES PRONTO YOU STUPID FUCKING DOUCHES~!
     
    Carlito has a "massage therapist." Who just so happens to be a THIRD FUCKING DIVA SEARCH LOSER.  Joy.  The mom, if I recall.  Nothing against her, but HOW IN THE BLUE FUCK DO WE INTRODUCE THREE USELESS DIVA SEARCH LOSERS IN THE SAME MONTH WE FIRED GAIL KIM AND ON THE SAME NIGHT MY STOMACH CLENCHED AT THE ABSENCE OF MOLLY HOLLY IN THE DIVA TRIBUTE VIDEO.  Do you have a clue, WWE?  Do you?  Do you have a clue?  I'm not saying Molly Holly sells PPVs.  But you can at least put her on TV and people won't turn the channel.  Because if you think Diva Search losers are the answer, then CLEARLY you assume that your audience can't find Real Porn when they just HAVE to rub one off.  IDIOTS~!  We're not all as hopeless as fucking Lawler.  If you're putting a girl on my TV, she'd by christ better be good at something related to wrestling.  Otherwise, she's just Randy Orton: pretty, but useless.  I'm serious.
     
    Do I have a point here?  Yeah, I guess: WWE comes to Dayton and fucking pimp slaps The Me with this Diva Loser crap.  I'm not saying it was on purpose.  But I'm saying it hurts.  Hurts bad.  
     
    Diva Loser Joy tries to dig in on Carlito's shoulder to loosen him up, but digs too hard.  So Carlito calls her "too rough," but says he shouldn't have expected expertise, because she's "just a woman," and then seeks solace in the expert and masculine embrace of Jesus H. Manlover.  Together, they decide that Carlito is gonna be able to beat John Cena tonight.  And they head to the ring.... 

     
  • One last Carlito vs. Cena Flashback Bumper.  I think the total time of these flashbacks will exceed the match time of the main event, but that's neither here nor there....
     
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  • It's Confirmed: JBL vs. Eddie vs. Booker vs. Taker for the WWE Title at Armageddon.  Once it's on a graphic, you CAN'T take it back.
     
  • John Cena beat Carlito Cool to win the US Title, BUT....  Carlito and Jesus out first, then Cena. And Cena wants to waste no time.  So he sprints to the ring, and is cut off by Jesus.  Ref doesn't even have time to ring the bell to start the match.  Cena and Jesus brawl for a minute, Cena wins it.  Carlito tries to escape, but Cena cuts him off.  Outside the ring, Cena dominates a 30 second brawl, and that's when Jesus tries to attack from behind with a chair.  But Cena sees it coming, dodges, and steals the chair.  And in fact, he uses the chair on Carlito, hitting Carlito's injured shoulder (and mostly, hitting the ring post for a nice sound effect).  Carlito sells it like a gun shot.  
     
    But hey, it's all legal!  Cuz the match hasn't started yet!
     
    So Cena tosses Carlito's limp carcass into the ring.  Ref rings the bell.  NOW it's legal.  Cena picks up Carlito.  Cena hits the F-U.  Cena scores the pinfall win.  Total match time: 15 seconds.  Maybe.  NEW US CHAMP, though!  Right here, in Dayton, OH!
     
    Cena TRIES to celebrate, but his celebration is cut even shorter than the match.... cuz like I said in the Bold Header, there's a "but" here....
     
    In the middle of Cena's celebration, our lord and savio Jesus H. Kidneypuncher attacked~!  He hit Cena from behind, and then went to work on the tender, supple kidney of John Cena.  The drama seemed to be lost on the Dayton crowd, which was filing out of the Nutter Center at a rapid pace, but I stuck around.  Jesus kept on pounding on Cena's lower back, and Cena eventually just collapsed in the ring.  Jesus left, helping Carlito to the back.  They are losers in the battle but what of the war?
     
    Well, in the war, Cena did a Stretcher Job.  Kind of a cheap, rushed one, since you could tell they wanted to get the image on Cena on a stretcher dedicated to tape before the arena was empty, but that was the finish.  Cena, stretchered out of Dayton, OH.  How very, very sad.  First Shawn Michaels, now John Cena.  Maybe Dayton is the REAL Kiss of Death?
     
    If so, Pucker Up to Whoever Is Championing This Tough Enough and Diva Search Shit~!  You'll get tongue, believe you me~!  And then you'll die~!  Horribly~!  Painfully~!
     
    And then Tony Chimel told us to all drive safe, and that was that.  No happy ending.  The Bonus Footage with Taker and JBL was our placebo.  Whee.

Look: not a bad show, probably.  But enough about the night rubbed me wrong that I had to vent.  The smallness and retardedness of the crowd; the Tough Enough shit; the THREE Diva Search losers debuting on a night when I suddenly started fearing for Molly's job.  Of COURSE I'm not gonna be Fair and Balanced.
 
Watch SD! on Thursday, and marvel at how different it'll probably be from how I presented it!  Or how similar it is to my Bestest Spoiler Report Nation, but how different YOU react to it.  Because I'm an asshole, and you're probably not.
 
Whatever.  It's 4am, I've got my memories dedicated to HTML, and I can go to bed, now.  Content that this hazy Spoiler Reminiscing will probably be better than an SD! Recap you read anywhere else come Friday.  That's just how I roll, playas...  holla holla.
 
And ignore that thunking sound.  That's just my head crashing into my desk in exhaustion.  I'm back at you tomorrow with news and views and a clearer head, to boot.


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 
 
E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 

 


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