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RAW, Ratings, Heyman, Flair vs. Foley,
Lesnar, Diva Frustration, and MORE!
December 15, 2004

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


I cannot tell a lie: I chuckled a little chuckle yesterday when Pedro Martinez confirmed he's gonna be a New York Met. 
I mean, it'll be nice to have him out of pro baseball. I don't have to fear the off-chance that the fragile, whiny bitch will actually pitch one good game per year against my Yankees (and have it be in October) by staying with the Red Sox. I cannot tell you how much happiness it gives me to not have to fear that Mad George's spending   

spree did *not* result in said fragile, whiny bitch donning Yankee pinstripes, either. That would have turned into an unmitigated disaster.

Instead, I can't wait to sit by next year as Pedro pitches perhaps 50 innings and New York begins to theorize that Pedro's daddy is, in fact, Mo Vaughn.  If you catch my drift.  I mean, I do kinda feel bad for Willie Randolph, but...

Well, Boston already hates me, I don't need to alienate the 7% of New Yorkers who support the Mets, I guess.  So I'll zip it and get on with the rasslin':

  • Monday's RAW? *Lots* better than the previous two weeks. A bit more focus, a lot more building on the week before, and best of all, no glaring logic holes or moments of suck. The closest we came was with Snitsky and the Useless Divas. And I guess even that served its purpose.
    Erin stepped in on Monday (either because she knew I wasn't feeling so hot and was being nice, or because she knew I saw that girl in the "Macon House Show" bumper reduced to tears by a kiss from Randall Orton and was going to twist it into something extraordinarily mean if *I* did the recap), and although she largely speaks for me in terms of what worked and what didn't, I *do* like the sound of my own voice.  So let me share a few additional thoughts...
    First off, I was REALLY pleased with the Foley appearance and his sparring with Mohammed Hassan. I thought Foley toyed just enough with the Alabama crowd over politics that it was clear where he stood, but while remaining "on-story" and not being too over the top. Yes, I do have this ethic that when you're on a wrestling show, you be a wrestler (and if you want to be a political activist, there's times for that; and if you want to have a rock band, there's times for that; but on the wrestling show, give people what they paid to see for the most part, and just a TOUCH of what you do for hobbies so we get to feel like we know you without getting BORED by you). But I actually think Foley nailed that mix: he wasn't gonna pass on the opportunity to twist the knife a little bit in some red-staters, but he also didn't make a big deal out of it. Just a little joke, and move on; then again, in so far as I could stomach EITHER candidate this fall, I did throw in with Kerry, so maybe I'm a soft touch. I also don't have a disINTEREST in American Politics (which I think is what Erin said put her off a bit here), but rather have a disTASTE for it.  Which means I care, but in a negative way. Seeing Mick gently mocking a crowd that is probably part of the problem as I'd define it, well, that was good for my soul, the same way an episode of the Daily Show usually puts a massive grin on my face.
    And then Hassan and Daivari stepped out, and it got better. Yes, Alabama probably just booed the guy because (1) he's Ay-rab, and (2) he said "9/11."  And Alabamians, please don't get angry: I live in a Red State, too, and it doesn't make me an idiot, it just means I'm surrounded by them, so I'm sure you're the Good Ones.  But in that promo, one which you can tell was NOT from the keyboard of a sitcom writer, but rather one with Foley, Hassan, and Daivari worked out together, a wrestling could have gone from hating Hassan because he's Ay-rab to hating him cuz he's an Ay-hole.  And folks, that makes a TON of difference.  If it were me, I wouldn't let Hassan say "9/11" ever again; put that on the pile with "Praise Allah." Not because I'm particularly PC (I ain't) but because I don't particularly trust the average wrestling fan (especially now that we're down to this core and have lost much of the mainstream casual fan) to respond in a way that DOESN'T make me hang my head in shame.  Because Hassan and Daivari, if they're talking about life getting a bit tougher after 9/11, they're essentially speaking the truth and idiot fans will boo them for it. That's kind of uncomfortable.  
    But thanks to Foley providing the foil, we drew another side out of Hassan and Daivari on Monday. They actually ARE heels, they are total assholes, because they took something that affected EVERYbody and turning it into their own personal Waterloo, and seem to lack the understanding that if they want to talk about being "Arab Americans," that still means being "American." Which as Mick pointed out, they are more than happy to take advantage of when there's First Amendment opportunities to be had, but not so much when it comes to the sending troops abroad thing.  They aren't evil because they're different, they're evil because they have selective perception.  A well-crafted promo, subtle and nuanced, and Foley really did draw all that out of them. Oh, and the punchline: "I won't fight a man I don't respect"... yet ANOTHER great reason to hate a self-righteous douchebag. Has nothing to do with how he worships, but it *does*, in so far as wrestling fans are concerned, have to do with the fact that he's so convinced his twisted world view is right that he cannot recognize that Foley Is God.
    I hope I'm explaining that well, cuz I really did like that segment, and I really didn't WANT to, so that's saying something. I hope WWE latches on to some of what Foley and Hassan did, instead of just tossing it aside to let sitcom writers go back to doing THEIR version of the Evil Foreigner. Which is probably being a bit naive, since more than likely this was just a one-off thing for Foley (although, Monday *was* the exact one-year anniversary of his "walk-out" on RAW, and perhaps after Monday's "non-finish," well someday see the climax of Hassan vs. Foley? Nah, I think I'd rather see Mick's special attraction matches be a bit more special than that...). And like Erin said, turd polishing is tricky business. In the absence of Mick Foley, somebody might step up and help turn Hassan into another Carlito Cool; or he might just end up as Simon Dean's running buddy on Heat.
    I also liked the over-riding tale of the six men and the Elimination Chamber.  I think you obviously had to include HHH, Benoit, and Edge in whatever solution Bischoff proposed to the Title Problem, and then as soon as Orton beat Edge in the opener, I KNEW I'd been right to call for the six man Elimination Chamber in the preview.  By the Transitive Theory of Pro Wrestling, Orton's win over Edge meant that Orton > Edge, and if Edge is in the title hunt, so is Randall. Looking ahead to the main event, I'd actually predicted that Jericho should beat HHH (via miscommunication with Batista) so that the transitive theory could be applied AGAIN to explain Jericho's presence in the match, and then you just use the strength of Batista's current storyline to shoehorn him in.
    WWE went a different way, and gave Batista the "transitive win" over Benoit, which really screws Jericho over a bit (tell me which of these six doesn't belong? Sorry, Y2J, it's you; no recent major wins, a character-castrating week as GM, d'oh). But it also allowed for a few of those really cool Batista/HHH moments (quick reaction shots of HHH looking up and seeing Batista living out the very vision that Batista had talked about HHH living out earlier), and so if we're at a point where Overdoing It with Project Batista is taking precedence over Doing Anything for Project Jericho, I can cope.  Project Batista is not a bad thing.  [Fer chrissakes, did Batista REALLY just use the "Don't TELL me, SHOW me" line on HHH? A week after he used, "I have feelings, I just express them differently"? When the hell did somebody lock me in the gym for 3 years, assign me to Barry Bonds' personal trainer, and then put me on RAW, dammit?  I honestly think that the thing I like best about Batista at this point is that he shows up in a skit and says EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD SAY.  He's still a notch or two away, inside the ring, of being a genuinely valuable in-ring singles "monster" -- in the manner of mid-90s Kevin "Diesel" Nash or the Undertaker -- but until he adds that extra ringwork dimension or two, his character is coming along nicely. You know what I really want to see in the Royal Rumble: Big Show vs. Batista at the end. I'm not usually in league with Big Man Fetishist Vince McMahon, but when you have two hosses who are simultaneously Getting It Done, you oughta take advantage. Have Show win and go after JBL, and send Batista back to RAW to complete his face turn against HHH. Randy Who?]
    Only three matches on Monday, but they all accomplished something: the Orton/Edge opener was EXACTLY the same thing as their PPV match, which is kind of annoying. It's like those two have a bet with somebody as to whether or not they can turn "10 minutes of chinlocks" into Good TV. And of course, what makes it more annoying is that they throw the slow opening minutes into sharp relief by having an absolute KICK ASS final 5 minutes or so....  the tag match was solid through-and-through, almost more so than anything on the preceeding night's PPV.... and although it was flat, the six-man had the EXACT right ending; I knew as soon as the match started that the correct finish was gonna have to be a flukey win for Maven over Shelton. And thus shall be born our next IC Title Feud, freeing up Eugene/Regal to pursue actual Tag Team Storylines while periodically popping in to provide competition for Maven in the week's he's NOT making Shelton's life a living hell; all this was VERY nicely set up, too, going back two weeks to the skit where Shelton was there being the shoulder for Maven to cry on about not having a title. Little things: they make me happy. Almost makes me thing we've gotten back onto a long-term plan!
    The one thing I didn't care much for on Monday: combining the Useless Divas, Snitsky, and the Demotion Of The Women's Title all into one rather underwhelming segment. For one: if you're gonna do Dancin' Snitksy, then for fuck's sake DO DANCIN' SNITSKY! I wanted it, the crowd wanted it, and the WORLD wanted it.  They guy is going to be a dead man here soon enough, so it's never too early to start looking for his post-Kane hook, if there's even gonna be one.  Dancin' Snitsky, people, coulda been huge!  For two: the follow up to Lita's emotional and hard-fought women's title win is her re-inserting herself into a bunch of soap opera crap? I mean, maybe they'll get it right this time and Lita won't be a wimpy little victim once Her Husband Kane is back, but if you still had a Women's DIVISION, WWE, you could have followed up and showcased the importance of the title a lot better than this. Seriously, Trish's short-but-very-good promo later on did more to remind us that the title exists than anything the champ did.
    And for three: Erin's exactly right, I did think the Wall of Fire was very gay. Magical walls of fire might be "consistent" with the story so far (especially with the craptacular wedding debacle), but being consistent with camp and nonsense is no way to win me over.  That said: if they wanted the Wall of Fire Visual, Erin's right another way... Lita shouldn't have mentioned Kane by name, and it could have been cooler: if they had just had Lita mock Snitksy ("Hey, Snitsky, picking on women must make you feel like a big man. Compensating for something there, Tiny Dick?" since lord knows it's been too long since Lita's picked on some dude's manhood), obviously trying to enrage Snitsky but without mentioning Kane, and then when Snitsky predictably leaves the ring to chase Lita, Lita scurries up to the top of the stage and waits.  And just as Snitsky approaches: WALL OF FIRE~!  Lita stands and laughs.  Snitsky tries again: WALL OF FIRE~!  Lita chuckles, maybe points at Snitsky and mouths "You're a Dead Man," and walks backstage as Snitsky slinks back to the ring to regroup. And just like that, instead of Mysterious Supernatural Forces, Kane's Wall of Fire is part of a mind-game set up by Lita and Kane, and the fans get the message LOUD AND CLEAR that Kane's coming back without, as Erin would say, Lita's Anvil.  See, I may be predictable in my tastes, but I can also be reasonable.  
    I think that's everything I wanted to get off my chest from Monday... good show. They still ended it with Orton as the "main event" (he got the premiere spot in the Elimination Chamber announcement and it was his music that ended the show), so maybe I'm not SO positive about that "changing gears" piece I wrote on Monday. But they certainly have seemed to add a lot more elements to the title mix, and at the very least, this feels like they've stopped, paused, and told Randall Orton, "Hey, go out there and EARN it, dickweed, cuz we ain't gonna give it to you anymore. It's not just you and HHH with a ticket punched to Mania, now there's Benoit, Edge, and oh by the way: you got Batista next and *HE* is running with the ball we're giving him so far. So bring your A-game, Junior, or else."  I can deal with that.  Monday's show felt like: here's six guys, and we're as interested as you to see who shines. Instead of: the next chapter in Randy Orton's Flaccid Face Run to WrestleMania.  Good stuff, and hopefully now we ARE back on track a bit...
    And for details instead of my rambling analysis: You can get the full report on all of Monday's RAW action in what I just remembered I'm supposed to be calling the OO bRAWd Recap. Enjoy.
  • The rating for Monday? A 3.8, down one-tenth from the series of four 3.9's scored by the Guest GM episodes. Is that a statistically insignificant fluctuation? A sign that fans are shitting on the lazy Vacant Title thing? A sign that Bischoff does NOT equal ratings? Or maybe just a sign that we've hit the time of year when people are distracted by other things (shopping, finals, family) than wrestling?

    For now, I'll stick with Option #1. I look for big time trouble for next week's Year in Review Show (which might be worth recording and checking out for a few of the matches they promised to show, including the WM21 main event, but which will mostly be WWE's twisted, almost-painful-to-watch version of 2004; seriously, WWE, nobody expects a company to come right out and say "Hey, this sucked," but would it be too much to ask for you to just IGNORE the stuff that sucked and focus on the good, instead of shoving the suck back down our throat and try to convince us it was good?), and again for the week after that.  Ratings-wise, those'll be tough sells.  But once we get into the new year, we'll find out if RAW can get back up to around 4 or not, and then we'll get a feel for how healthy the brand is.
  • All was not rosy in terms of Mick Foley's surprise appearance at RAW... he certainly did have a Spirited Debate with Ric Flair at one point, and depending on who I choose to believe, it might even have come to blows (which, if true, was still broken up VERY quickly).
    I'd be curious to know what, exactly, set it off, since even AFTER the release of Flair's book (in which he called Foley nothing but "a stuntman"), there was still kind of this understanding that there'd be a Foley vs. Flair feud down the line in WWE. I mean, the two had aired their dirty laundry with each other, already, and STILL decided that they don't have to like each other to make money with each other. So I'm having a hard time envisioning what either one could have said, after everything else that's ALREADY been said, that'd send 'em flying off the handle.
    I honestly don't know what to tell you. To me, the way it was explained, I'm gonna go with "this ain't a big deal," and say this just another expulsion of tension between two guys that don't seem to see eye-to-eye. I wouldn't even write off the Legends Feud. Money's money.
  • Another bit of backstage intrigue: apparently Paul Heyman was not even backstage in Atlanta for the PPV. To be honest, his absence from the show itself didn't even register with me (since I was too busy cursing WWE for teasing me with visions of Heidenreich not ever coming back to SD!), but come to think of it, shouldn't he have been there taking care of Wacky Ol' Prostetnic Vogon Heidenreich?
    You could maybe come up with reasons why Heyman wouldn't have an on-screen role (maybe he was as fooled by Heidenreich's desire to stay away from wrestling as everybody?), but not even being backstage? Kinda weird....
    Neither Heidenreich nor Heyman were a part of SD! tapings, and I'm again pretty sure Heyman wasn't even in the building.  However, a taped vignette featuring one or both of them could easily be added in before broadcast on Thursday, so that'll maybe be somethig to keep an eye on.  Hey, a reason to keep an eye on Heidenreich!  Finally!  
  • Jesus H. Kidneypuncher's prognosis is NOT looking good. Turns out it was a pre-existing neck condition and then a more recent groin injury that were hampering him in the PPV match. And the news on the neck is particularly bad: he might require immediate surgery. If a differing second opinion cannot be had, Jesus will get the surgery over the holiday break and is looking at a lengthy visit to the injured list.
  • A few readers wrote in after seeing the Armageddon PPV Recap (none seemed to have seen the actual show, though; IN YOUR FACE, WWE!), saying that a recent article in their Minneapolis newspaper did state that Brock Lesnar -- after not being approached even for the Vikings practice squad given all the trouble the Vikes' defense has had this year -- has kind of realized that football might not be for him and that he's talking about a return to wrestling.
    Interesting timing.

    Because Big Show did use the F-5 to finish off Team Angle at the PPV on Sunday, and it was so-called by the announcers and everything.
    I'm not sayin', mind you.  I'm just sayin'....
  • There were a few alternatives for wrestling fans seeking entertainment this morning...  in the few markets that still air him, Howard Stern had Triple H on as a guest, and from the handful of reports I got, there was nothing of interest discussed, unless you think making fun of borderline-retarded wrestling fans by spanking them for mis-answering wrestling questions is funny.  Hey, sometimes Stern's got it, sometimes he don't.  This sounded like a "don't."  Also, there was talk of the sex tape.  Yes, that one.  I don't want to go there...
    But then I guess Trish Stratus was on ESPN2's "Cold Pizza," and enough readers know my tastes to know there were a few tidbits they should pass along. First and foremost, there was a story about how her broken hand from earlier this year was actually a couple different broken bones. And although now she's mostly healed, there's a shattered little knuckle that's still just floating around in her hand in pieces, and is gonna be a pain in her ass (or her hand) for the rest of eternity. I have a feeling that story has been relayed to me by a Fellow Grown Man Having A Crush On Trish rather than by a Medical Professional, but if that's even CLOSE to accurate, then Trish is one tough broad and is officially going to receive another Gold Star from The Rick. 
  • I've read a couple recent interviews with Gail Kim, too, and in them, she displays many of the same sorts of traits that have me convinced that Trish is awesome. Namely, that she realizes that doing the things to be a Good Wrestler (or "sports entertainer") are more important, and that doing the Smoking Hot Eye Candy things are just kind of secondary.  In essence, Gail's aspirations *are* to be a wrestler, not to be the T-Shirt Gun Girl.
    Gail also once displayed an intimate knowledge of Chris Benoit's submission move arsenal and alternate identities dating back to 1992 in Japan. How ANY of you out there can't find that about a billion times hotter and more interesting than looking down Maria The Mic Stand's blouse absolutely baffles me.
    Anyway, the specific thing I wanted to mention about Gail that I was reminded of by Trish's remarkable toughness is that Gail has been going around saying that her favorite match ever was against Nidia on Heat back about a year ago. Maybe not because it was actually the Best Match she had, but because she's proud that she worked half of it with a badly-separated shoulder, and the two DID have a good showing despite that. Also, it sounds like Gail and Nidia are really good friends, so she was probably just putting her pal over.  In any case, that Gail's a tough dame, too.
    And is also quite fired as part of a WWE Hiring Policy that I have yet to figure out.  If you're intrested in more on this topic, be sure to stay tuned later this week for Jeb Lund's victorious return to columning.  I'm not sure he's exactly saying what I've been wanting to say these past few weeks (but have been unable to find the right way to say), but he certainly hits a few similar notes.
  • Oh: "Rochelle" from Monday? Some chick who's only qualification is "Has been naked in Playboy Newsstand Specials," and which probably means she was also one of the non-finalist Diva Search Losers if she's on WWE's call-back list. So we're STILL gonna get the twins in here eventually (it's a question of "when" not of "if"), and now we're plumbing the depths of the NON-FINALISTS? 
    I'm not even gonna bother. If you don't know what's wrong with this, then just go fucking walk up to Titan Tower.  They've probably got a cushy job waiting for you in the "Dumb Ass Sycophant" Department.  Your job will be to tell Vince McMahon that you just saw this TOTALLY HOT CHICK in a magazine, and you think she'd be GREAT at wasting up to 10 minutes of time every week on RAW with her utter uselessness. Think you can handle it? Then Vince McMahon Needs You!
  • And HHH's appearance on Stern is part of the secondary push for "Blade" movie publicity.  It continues tonight on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien."  HHH will be the second guest of the night, behind Liam Neeson.  OMG~! Triple H jobbed to Liam Neeson!
    And just because somebody up there hates me: Avril Lavigne is the musical guest on Conan. "But Rick, you like the Rock, you must like Avril more than Britney or XTina!?!" you say. Wrong, Potsie. Avril's a cute kid, and maybe some day she will rock in a meaningful way. But when I had to sit at a party earlier this year and actually listen to somebody get visibly excited talking about Avril's new CD coming out and how it's good to finally have some REAL rock 'n' roll on the air and stuff like that, I get annoyed. Real annoyed.  What have you done to the children, MTV?!?
    I think I ditched that dum-dum with a mention of "Well, I'm sure Avril's new record will kick the ass of the Velvet Revolver bullshit that just came out. Thanks for tipping me off. I'm going to go stand over here now, please don't follow me." And tonight, I shall probably ditch Avril herself by hitting "stop" and "delete" on my DVR as soon as Trips is done.
  • WWE is conducting a semi-interesting poll... who fans think should be included in the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2005.
    There are some very interesting names listed (Wendi Richter? When hell freezes over! Bruno Sammartino? Oh shit, looks like the forecast for Hades is 35 degrees and dropping!), but I think just about every legitimate star from the Hogan Era onward (which is what my expertise is limited to) is there.
    Curiously, they only let you vote for one, which seems to me it's gonna drastically skew things one or two big names (in this case Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper), whereas you might get a better idea of who fans respect if you let 'em vote on their own Entire Class of 5 or 6 wrestlers.  Then again, WWE says upfront that this is a non-binding polll and shouldn't even be considered a full or official ballot, so who really cares, I guess...
    One thing I do care about: Hulk Hogan is listed as "Hollywood Hogan." Which is an excuse for me to once again issue a friendly old "Fuck you" to the idiots at Marvel Comics.  One's green and a cartoon. The other's orange and a real person. What the fuck are you worried about? Idiots....
  • Alright, I think that's enough out of me and my well-sanded vagina today. Plenty of good stuff coming the rest of the week: Bulldog, Jeb's back, maybe something outta me!
    And then next week shall commence The Year End Awardening by all your favorite OO Semi-Stars! So don't neglect your reading over the holidays, folks!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28



Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.




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