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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
RAW, Matt and Rhyno Released, OMG
MOLLY'S BOOBS~!, and More...
April 11, 2005

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Should've kept my mouth shut about the Reds, eh?  
 
From sweeping the Mets to getting swept by the hated Astros... now THAT is the team I know and love: completely failing to take care of business within its own division!

It's all part of the new Cincinnati Master Plan to approximate competitiveness for a few months, before ending up in a pitched battle with  

Pittsburgh and Milwaukee to see who can finish in fourth place, proving superiority over the NL Central's second class citizens. Don't think I'm not on to you Carl Linder! 

It's probably all my fault, though, right? For buying the $5 cheap seats and then sneaking down into good seats around the third inning? Damn me, and the tens of dollars I'm costing the organization every year! That's money that could be spent on ANOTHER flamboyantly mediocre pitcher or addle-minded utility men who make horrible base-running decisions and single-handedly cost us a game!

Enough bitterness, and enough baseball for today. Let's cut to the chase:

  • With a RAW brand PPV now only 2 or 3 weeks away (I forget which, but it's soon), we have to stop basking in the WM afterglow and move on. 

    The outside chance remains that we'll keep the special feeling rolling if they drop the Draft Lottery Bomb on us (the event had, at one point, been expected to take place next Monday at a joint RAW/SD! taping, but the buzz has died down significantly on that front). That would certainly shake things up and give us something to bunch our panties over for the next 7 days. But if that doesn't happen, tonight's gotta just be full speed ahead to Backlash, which might not be as sexy, but it's still work that's gotta get done.
     
    And though we know what the main event of that show will be (Triple H vs. Batista), what we don't know is what WWE intends to do to sell us on it. Last week's show certainly did nothing to make me care about what HHH Schiavoniously called "The Biggest Rematch in the History of Our Business," as Batista uttered nary a word, and Trips spent his promo time trying to act like he was telling us something that we hadn't already pretty much known for ourselves. OK there, Hunter, you're getting a rematch and you think you can win... we get it, so can we please let somebody else talk who might not be so prone to bludgeoning us over the head with the obvious?
     
    Specifically, I cannot get past my notion that Batista HAS to talk at some point if we're gonna care about his title reign. As long as his primary challenger is HHH, there's still time to salvage what has been a lazy (and sometimes even counter-productive) last 6 weeks or so of storytelling. Instead of being scared to do anything other than the crap-ass Goldberg-style mute-ass-kicker thing, WWE needs to just the Big Man to go out there and do what he did between September and January when he slowly won the fans over by being intelligent, articulate level-headed, and often times, one step ahead of The Game. If it seems like I'm going back to this on a near columnly basis, it's only because it baffles me that WWE has done so little for Batista, since the blueprint for what needs to be done is RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THEM. Watch your videotapes from last fall, take it to the next logical level, and then sit back, relax, and enjoy as Dave Batista actually evolves into a fully-formed character that people will care about.
     
    If Batista doesn't come out at some point in the next 2 weeks and cut the promo on HHH where he calmly relates HIS side of the last six months, climaxing in a detailed timeline of how he's known for a while that he could beat HHH and how he's sure he can do it again at Backlash, then believe me: the HHH/Batista rematch will have almost NO teeth to it... WWE's own lack of doing anything to make the FIRST match seem super special is a contributing factor here, too; if they'd done more than the bare minimum amount of totally obvious crap the six weeks leading into Mania, then there'd be a foundation for the rematch having merit on its own. But they didn't, and now they need to basically recreate an all-new buzz for the rematch, a new reason for fans to care. Letting Batista shine as the cool, collected, and confident champ who welcomes HHH's challenge because he KNOWS he's got his number would be one way to change the dynamic up enough so that the rematch seems interesting.
     
    If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say the #2 match on the Backlash PPV should be Chris Benoit vs. Edge... at the very least, it's a match I'd like to see get another 15-20 minutes given the entertaining contest they put together last week. And the finish with Benoit winning the match, but Edge winning the war (thanks to a steel chair) practically begs for another chapter. I happen to love the idea of Edge, with his guaranteed Money In The Bank title shot, losing an extended feud to Benoit, as it has a dual benefit: (1) it establishes Benoit as even better than a guy who is already a proven #1 Contender, creating more challengers for Batista and (2) it lets Edge play to his character's strengths as a whiny conspiracy victim (this is a big reason why I was against having Edge win a title shot, he can no longer claim victimhood; but having the title shot banked, and then losing constantly to Benoit? Suddenly he can bitch and moan again, which is what fits his character best)....
     
    Beyond that, I guess maybe we're gonna get a Trish vs. Spaz rematch? I dunno; I realize that keeping this feud simmering is probably the best idea that WWE's ingenious staff of creative wunderkinds has for maintaining the heat on Trish vs. Lita so it can resume this summer... but that match at WM21 was really not very good at all, and AGAIN this is a deal where WWE would have had more room for rematches if they'd told the story going into the FIRST match better. It almost seems like they are retroactively trying to do what I'd been advocating back a month ago: make Trish look super-bad-ass and make Spaz look like a weak underdog, and from THAT dynamic, you might get some fans believing in and caring about the story. But it's too late now... maybe they'll do a Trish vs. Spaz/Lita handicap match at the PPV, maybe that's the next step? Lita's obviously capable of handling simple spots at this point of her rehab; maybe have it be a deal where Spaz does the grunt work, but one-legged Lita somehow swoops in and rolls Trish up for a cheap pinfall? I bet that'd steam Trish's cabbage and make for another interesting month or two of treading water till Lita can stage her full-on challenge for the title... of course, I still say that in that month, if you give ME the book, I can turn Victoria heel, Molly face (unless you let me rehire Gail, in which case Molly'd stay heel and Gail would turn face against her to create the next viable challenger), and create a whole bunch of other things to care about in the women's division so that we don't have to tread water with a Useless Eye Candy Diva like Spaz being taken seriously as a wrestler.
     
    I'm at a loss past those three pretty-established feuds, though... Randy Orton seems to be poised to take a little vacation, as a result of his shoulder injury, so thankfully we shouldn't have to see or hear much from him, other than maybe brief little pre-taped vignettes where Orton's battles against the English Language can be massaged into tolerability. If Orton *is* gonna keep working through the injury and keep appearing on TV in the near term, it does seem pretty obvious that they are setting him up for a feud against Kane. I guess if it's just a quickie deal, you could do it now; otherwise, it probably waits till after Orton's healed up.
     
    For an IC Title feud, it sure as hell doesn't seem like there's a clear cut contender to Shelton Benjamin. The match he had with Christian and Chris Jericho was a Jim Dandy, though, and if they just wanted to come up with a half-assed excuse to run that again at the PPV, I wouldn't mind. Sadly, I don't think Christian has a whole lot to recommend him as a solo challenger (though that could probably be remedied if WWE ever wanted to give the Captain his due)... though I *could* see Jericho stepping up and demanding a title shot. He nearly had the title won last week, till Shelton swooped in from behind... and he's also the guy that Shelton beat for the IC Title, if memory serves (Taboo Tuesday, right?), and he might be itching for a one-on-one rematch. Jericho's smooth enough that he could slide into a quasi-heelish role long enough to add some sizzle to the feud, and then slide right back to his usual self when it was over; it wouldn't even so much a deal of adding heelish overtones as it would be just adding some intensity to his usually-more-comedic-based act (witness the pre-WM21 Highlight Reel for how four babyfaces all got "ooohhs" and "aahhhhs" for their trashtalk, all without actually turning "heel" in any way, shape, or form).
     
    Shawn Michaels is kind of twisting in the wind, isn't he? Wants a rematch with Kurt Angle, but there's no current mechanism in place for that to happen, so instead, he gets his ass beat by Muhammad Hassan...  if it's me, and I'm trying to get Shawn something fun to do for the next PPV, I get Marty Jannetty to RAW tonight, and I set up The Rockers vs. Hassan/Daivari for Backlash. Daivari can take the fall so Hassan can keep his "essentially undefeated" claim intact, or you could even have Jannetty lose the match as part of a scheme to start a heel turn for him (in which he could find a new tag partner, and free up Shawn to continue on with his more important singles business). Another Rockers Reunion is infected with myriad possibilities, and I think it'd also be a nice selling point for the Backlash PPV.
     
    Tag titles? Who the hell even knows at this point? It's criminal that WWE would under-utilize two guys as entertaining as Regal and Tajiri, and even moreso that they'd torpedo their own tag team title by not featuring it on TV... maybe keep feeding Regal/Tajiri chump challengers until such time as (1) Eugene is ready to return to TV and could possibly throw a monkeywrench into the works if he wants to go back to teaming with his buddy Regal (a year ago, everybody thought it was just a matter of time before Regal turned on Young Master Eugene; today, NObody would be expecting that; and hell, I'm not even sure if I'd LIKE it; probably better to turn Tajiri heel if somebody's got to go), or (2) the aforementioned Jannetty heel turn leads to the creation of a new heel tag team that ISN'T La Resistance so that Tajiri/Regal have some viable challengers. I'm not a fan of the Maven/Simon team, simply because anything that keeps Simon and his crap-ass gimmick off of Heat where it belongs is bad news; but after they got humilated last week by Austin, WWE Logic would be that they are now in prime position to make a run at the tag titles. We'll see...
     
    Whether it turns into a hype show for a sudden Draft Lottery, or rather it gives us a more solid glimpse at what Backlash holds in store, tonight's RAW has some work to do, and it ought to be interesting to see how they go about doing it. So check it out. And then, whether you just want the finest in incisive analysis and snarky observations or because you just need to fricking FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED, the OO RAW Recap will be posted tomorrow, and will scratch you directly where you itch. It's just that damned good. So check it out.
     
  • Next big story today is that WWE has made official a couple of roster cuts: one not so surprising, the other rather shocking.
     
    Rhyno has officially been released by WWE (and actually, he might even have been at the time you read me saying that he WASN'T fired on Friday; but word was slow to trickle out)... the reason is ostensibly a public outburst in a hotel over WM21 weekend, but really, nobody seems to believe that was all that big a deal. Rather, Rhyno is just a guy that WWE deemed expendable, and this was the justification for WWE following through on something they probably wanted to do for a while. All one has to do is look at the massive divergence between pops Rhyno usually gets and the push he received on TV (at times other than when Paul Heyman might have had some say), and you could just tell that the WWE braintrust never had much desire to push Rhyno. It's not quite as bad as the situation that exists with RVD (who can go out and be the #2 or #3 most popular guy on a show, but is never pushed commensurate with that), but it's the same kind of deal where Rhyno doesn't fit the Vince McMahon Mold, and thus, was always fighting an uphill battle. One little hissy fit in public was enough to send him stumbling back to the bottom of the mountain, apparently.
     
    I can't really work up too much outrage over this: pragmatically speaking, Rhyno was allowed to be a "monster" in ECW because he really was bigger than most guys. He can't do the same thing in WWE, and it limits his value. If I had to get upset about anything, it'd be the simple fact that Rhyno could have been the perfect guy to plug in as #4 in a Strange Bedfellows Storyline once Eugene returns. Eugene has been replaced by Tajiri, Rhyno could bemoan that *he* was replaced by Regal, and out of that combination of four guys, you could do almost anything, and come out with 2 tag teams both with legit title aspirations. Not to be, though...
     
    For whatever it's worth, I *believe* Rhyno is still likely to appear on the ECW One Night Stand PPV, or at least, that WWE wants to work out a new deal for him to appear there. This would preclude him going to work for TNA in the interim. Also: should Rhyno want to go to TNA (either immediately, or after the ECW PPV), I *think* he can call himself "Rhino." Or at the very least, "Rhino Richards." He had the nickname long before starting with ECW, and the vagaries of what trademarks might have been owned by ECW and thus are now property of WWE are kind of beyond my scope of knowledge. If ECW every trademarked just plain "Rhino," then he might be screwed on that, but "Rhino Richards" would still be his. The "Rhyno" spelling is really the only thing that he's for-sure gonna lose.
     
  • The other release: Matt Hardy.
     
    The fuck?
     
    WWE made this announcement today, and one has to assume that this is the final move in the chess game of Matt Says, Edge Says. And WWE doesn't exactly play fair.
     
    The incendiary personalities can't really be the whole story here... the belief that Matt, Edge, and Lita couldn't exist in the same locker room is just woefully insufficient grounds for Matt being cut loose. There are two brands, and rarely the twain shall meet... Matt's to entertaining a performer to just cut loose when he could have (in a worst case scenario) been sent over to SD! to help bolster the barren mid-card and bridge the gap between the top 6 guys and the curtain jerkers. Seriously, a show that has Orlando Jordan holding down the Secondary Title could use some solid mid-card support, don't you think?
     
    One story going around is that Matt might have seen the way things were going (Lita and Edge's pushes continue unabated, meantime he's asked to stay away from TV tapings so as not to cause unpleasantness), and might have ASKED for his release. I don't know if there's any truth to that or not, but if there is, it'll probably come out through his website/message board eventually.
     
    The story that (and this is a sad commentary on WWE's personnel decisions if true) seems more believable at this point is that WWE released Matt NOT because they didn't think that the backstage/locker room issues would be a problem, but because they are salty that Matt aired his dirty laundry in public. In so doing, Lita was a heel at several tapings in March, and chants directed at Edge were audible and might have confused non-internet-reading fans who thought that the only guy who should be screwing Lita is Kane. Anyway, the theory that has the most gravitas right now is that Matt got fired because his handling of the situation gummed up some of WWE's storytelling by turning Lita "heel" and confusing the issue of exactly how big a filthy, filthy whore she is, and with whom she might be sleeping. WWE has no problem with Edge being a heel, but they apparently have a problem with him being another notch in Lita's belt when it comes to TV.
     
    I dunno. Maybe there are good reasons to cut bait and just wait until the whole thing blows over before trying to analyze who is right and who is wrong, here. But my gut reaction to this is that there's no reason Matt Hardy should be a free agent at this point, not when there are so many spots on the card where he could be a huge help. He can work as a face or heel, he can work as a singles or in a tag team, he can work as a Cruiser or as a heavyweight, and he can do it all in a way that keeps fans interested...  but he gets fired, and a guy like Chris Masters, who is pretty much as pathetically one-dimensional as they come and exceptionally boring and of dubious skill to boot, will be hanging around the fringes as WWE tries to shoehorn him onto TV? [I still fear that Masters is being pegged for a spot in a "new" Evolution.] Mind boggling.
     
    We'll see what the future holds for Matt. He's actually healthy and cleared to wrestle, so WWE kept paying him at least through his rehab, which is something. There's the obvious move to TNA, where he could join his brother (or feud with his brother, since I'm of the mind that WWE never got the most out of that match when they ran with it a few years ago; shoddy storytelling/psychology bit them on the ass, and a stripped down deal in TNA might work... any time the "big brother" card is available, it SHOULD make storytelling a snap)... but I'd also hope that if we're gonna sit back and let this blow over a bit before WE make judgments, then maybe if Matt sits back and waits, there'd be another opening for him in WWE before too long.
     
    But for the time being, Mattitude seems to be a thing of the past.
     
  • Just quickly going back to one of my main tentpole items from Friday's column...
     
    I 100% stand behind EVERYthing I said about John Cena and his status as a niche caricature who is doing everything he can to seem "hip" and in so doing is coming off as the antithesis of "cool."
     
    I got a lot of e-mail about it, but I'll bottom line it: any guy who wraps himself up in so many bogus affectations and has to practically beg fans to cheer for him? Not cool. It's so freaking needy that my instinct is to dislike him (which sucks, since the one thing most people agree on is that Cena, the Real Guy, is actually one of the Good Ones). It might not be a huge problem now, but if my track record for spotting problems before they exist means anything, you MIGHT want to take a note now, and when Cena starts hemorrhaging fans in 3 or 4 months, just remember where you heard it first.
     
    To those who wrote in to say that I'm clearly out of touch and don't realize how popular rap and hip-hop really are: no, I'm not. I'm just a realist and a pragmatist. I realize how popular they are, and the truth is, it's not popular enough to justify Cena alienating people who AREN'T hardcore into the hip-hop subculture. You can look at record charts or genres of radio stations and you could make the cases for creating an entire federation out of John Cena's and Jeff Jarretts. All hip-hop and country. And you know what? You'd flop with it. Because just because you're the most popular genre in the market today don't mean dick. I hate to go all business school on you here, but we're living in a ridiculously segmented world where people can dial in to ONLY what they like, and don't have to worry about anything else. There's CD players in every car, and almost nobody I know even listens to radio anymore... even the cheapest tier cable packages have 150 channels of crap to choose from... every movie ever made is on DVD, so you're not even a slave to 13 channels of HBO: you can watch what you want, when you want.
     
    It's a society in which it's real hard to get true cross-over, mainstream acceptance. For instance, I doubt there will ever be another real music evolution (the last one was Nirvana, 12 years ago) just because everything people are interested in is ALREADY OUT THERE and already has an outlet. Just because you're the biggest thing on MTV doesn't mean anything; because there's that pesky MTV2 that appeals to a lot of different types of people. And then there's VH-1 that isn't exactly the "old folks home" it started out as 15 years ago. And there's Fuse, which is pretty much *my* personal choice of a music station, and keeps me convinced that I'm not so far out of touch.  And don't even get me started on how antiquated the notion of the "Top 40" radio station is; today, markets just don't have that one catch-all station for all that is popular, they have a new rock station, a rap/hip-hop stations, a new country station, and so on... the days of anybody (be it in music, movies, TV, or anything else) catching America by storm and creating a national phenomenon are over. But when it comes closest to happening, it'll be because somebody who belongs to ONE niche is still accessible to members of another. Exactly unlike today's John Cena.
     
    We're a society of loosely-tied together niches. Is hip-hop one of the bigger niches out there? Sure seems like it to me. It might even be the biggest one right now, but in a world fragmented into hundreds of niches, that's really not saying a whole lot. You still end up with a genre that'll only speak to some miniscule percentage of the overall population, and if I had the time and inclination to do the research, I could probably come up with the numbers for you. 
     
    But barring that, the anecdotal evidence should be enough for everybody out there to just sit back and realize that creating a character that has strong appeal to MAYBE 20% of the audience, which might be tolerated if it seemed a bit more genuine to another 30% (this is the group where I place myself), and which genuinely confuses about half of the audience is maybe not the wisest idea in the world. I'm not joking when I say that Cena could, if unchecked, turn into a polarizing character. Especially if he feuds with Kurt Angle, who I suspect would draw cheers from about half the audience (not because they are the "uncool" half, but because they are the half who came to a wrestling show to watch WRESTLING, and not see some wigger pander to them with TV-PG poop jokes that mostly rhyme).
     
    I realize that what WWE wants Cena to be, and there are ways to accomplish it, I think. You start by turning him into a wrestler who happens to like hip-hop, instead of a half-talented hip-hop guy who sometimes wrestles, also in half-talented fashion (the analogy HAS to be to Eddie Guerrero, who does a great job of being a wrestler first, and a Latino Wrestler second, so that we have no doubts about his character, but we're also not alienated by it). They just aren't doing this now. To be honest: there are times when Cena reminds me less of Steve Austin and more of Doink the Clown. 
     
    I am only half-joking, people....
     
  • And I think the last thing I got today, folks, is a semi-retraction from Friday... turns out, when the supplemental Diva 2005 magazine is released this week, it *will* feature Molly Holly! And apparently will *not* feature any of the Useless Eye Candy Divas other than Spaz!
     
    For whatever reason, the decision was made to include Amy Weber, Joy Giovanni, Michelle McCool, et al, in the DVD release, and to exclude Molly from that. But when the magazine version hits shelves, it'll be focused mostly on the roster of established WWE females. Including Lillian Garcia in her "diva debut." And also including Molly.
     
    For the record: I mentioned how there was much torment over whether Molly would go with wigs or not for the shoot... she chose not. And I daresay chose wisely. I can't say I've really got a thing for or against short hair, but it certainly is something that takes away a possible distracting element (look at how over-made-up Spaz and her Big Hair were in Playboy, for instance; I think I'm on record with not being a fan of distracting elements, as maybe most men are stupid, but trust me, ladies, you ain't fooling The Rick with window dressing!), and I gotta say that Molly stripped down to her simple, basic core Mollyness sure glazes my donut. It's funny, cuz I always thought that of the existing WWE women, it'd probably end up being Lita who went with the short hair, just because it seemed like it'd be more in keeping with her punk grrrrl character. But after a year of dealing with the WM20 fall-out, I think I'm of the opinion that there's probably no one of the women with the flat-out requisite cuteness to have pulled it off better than Molly.
     
    Not that I'm endorsing the theft of others copyrighted materials, or anything, but you MIGHT be able to see for yourself what I'm talking about if you made a stop past the OO Forums, where some 60 pictures may or may not have been posted. And where Molly may or may not (in deference by my own known fetishes) have been put right at the top. And where the second and fourth pictures are quite pleasing to my expert eye. And best of all, where the first picture should have even the most UNdiscerning connoisseurs of fine women among you (all fans of the distracting elements, instead of the core hotness and total package, you are! I can tell from the e-mails telling me I'm a homo for not spanking it to Spaz's Playboy pics!) doing a bit of ogling, convinced that Molly's been holding out on you. Even better: they're real. Even betterer: she can WRESTLE. What the hell gives? Why must I be the only Molly fan on the planet?
     
    Enjoy. Remember, if you must: support the magazine, but not the DVD!
     
  • That's all I got today. Recap tomorrow, midweek news on Wednesday, and frankly, I suck at planning ahead, so who the hell knows after that? Jeb's been saying he had another column idea, Matt's scheming up the final cycle of the Lord of the Reign, and one of these days Erin might get unbusy long enough to pop back in, so you never know what might be in store... the only way to find out: stay tuned to OO!
     
    See you later, kids.


  
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 

 


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