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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
TEAM COVERAGE:
WWE Judgment Day PPV Preview
May 20, 2005

Compiled by Rick Scaia
Featuring All Your Favorite OnlineOnslaught.com Semi-Stars

 

Sorry about taking the day off yesterday, folks. I'd actually intended to do a "make-good" news column, since Bulldog usurped the top spot on Wednesday. But then we wound up having some pretty kick-ass bad weather move through on Thursday, and one of the waves of storms took my power out in the afternoon.

When it came back, well, let's just say the boozening for the Pacers Game (Reggie Miller's Farewell) had begun, and I had no desire to stick around here drudging up something that passed for a column. So I just kinda said "Fuck it," and went about my business without doing an update. 
 

That's OK, though. For one: Bulldog's column was so fricking hilarious that if a few more people checked it out on the second day, I'll consider that a good thing. And for two: I really wouldn't have had a whole lot to say. I already said my piece about RAW, frankly, there's not a whole lot worth saying about SD! these last couple of weeks, and the pickin's for other

news is a bit slim these days. I think, if I had done a column, I would had to have stretched the following two dubious news items into 2500 words:

  • SmackDown! is being moved to Friday nights this fall by UPN. I know from e-mail that this has bunched numerous panties, but that's only because you're all idiots. Is Friday a bad night for TV? Yes. Do some industry trades call Friday nights the "death slot"? Sure. But none of that applies to wrestling, and if you used your heads, you'd know it. For the same reason that wrestling's audience never rubs off on any shows around it, wrestling's audience will follow it wherever it goes. There will be a nominal, at best, impact on SD!'s ratings because of this move. I'll have more to say about this on Monday, but as long as you're not so retarded that you can't operate a VCR, this is a gigantic non-story.

  • TNA signed both AJ Styles and Chris Daniels to 3-year contract extensions this week. This is theoretically good news, and hopefully means that SOMEthing will be announced soon regarding TNA's TV situation, since they've only got a little over a month to get that sorted out. But realistically: these "3-year" contracts are only enforceable if TNA has a national TV deal in place for those full 3-years, and I think we all know my own personal opinions on that matter. TNA's next TV deal won't be guaranteed for any more than 1 year, which means that Styles and Daniels are only guaranteed for 1 year. Beyond that, it's up to TNA to perform and deliver ratings if they want to hold onto this pair. This news item basically amounts to "If we still have a TV show for 3 years, Styles and Daniels will be ours that whole time." Which they probably would have been, anyway; Styles has already turned down WWE overtures, and Daniels actually spent some time in the WWE system (albeit only as a WCW holdover who was released as quickly as possible, as I recall) and was happy to get out. Again: the way the contracts are structured makes this seem to me to be a non-story, just a maintaining of the status quo, really.

But you know how I loves me talking about non-stories, since it makes me look wiser and more cynical if I tell you about a story and then claim that I don't care about it enough to tell you about it. Or something. Sometimes, I can't even figure out my own logic.

You get the idea, though: the above two bullet points would have been the entirety of any Thursday column I wrote. Because if you think THOSE are non-stories, then you don't even want to know what I'm leaving out.

At least today, we have something to talk about! A pay-per-view! Except that, dammit, this one sure doesn't inspire me to be on my A-game, either. Seven announced matches, and other than Eddie/Rey, I can't say as that anything on tap for Judgment Day puts me in the mind of "worth $35." In 2 or 3 cases, it's so bad that I find myself wondering if it's even worth 3 hours of my time. But I'm sure come Sunday, duty will win out, and I'll be in front of a TV somewhere watching this thing.

Somebody check me: I was talking about this a few nights ago, but I couldn't be sure.... was it Judgment Day last year where the line-up was so bad that I went on tilt and did the "Ghost of Andy Kaufman" match and all that other silliness to try to make the PPV Preview tolerable? Because if so, then I hope this isn't the start of an Annual Tradition of Suck for WWE.

Then again: unlike the line-up that inspired my insubordination last year, this one isn't flamboyantly bad to the point that it makes me want to lampoon it. It's just kinda boring. It makes me want to ignore it. I don't know which is worse.

Whatever the case, I have assembled the trOOps to half-heartedly breakdown the entire Judgment Day card. Sometimes we do it out of love, sometimes we do it out of obligation. I get the impression that I'm not the only one in the latter category this month. But that said, no matter WHY we do it, the simple fact is that when we do it, nobody does it better than OO!

So let's take a look at the 7-match card for Sunday's Judgment Day... I think you'll find that among us, we hit all the key angles, and will leave you fully prepared out the weekend's PPV event.
 

JOHN CENA vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
WWE Title Match / "I Quit" Rules

Well. This one wasn't exactly setting the world on fire 7 weeks ago at WrestleMania. And it hasn't exactly made any huge quantum leaps forward in the interim.

The short version: 

John Cena is a Regular Guy who Fights For All Of Us because he Keeps It Real. Word. Dawg. 

JBL is a Rich Guy who Only Cares About Money and is Better Than All Of Us.

So of course, it makes perfect sense that they must fight, right? Well, maybe in 1985 it did.... but here in 2005, this is a flimsy premise, at best. Making matters worse: Cena's "I fight for all of you"/Chain Gang promos are some of the most embarrassingly pandering drivel I've ever seen. And judging by undercurrents of boos, I'm not the only one who doesn't see a single "real" thing about the rich white kid from suburban Boston pretending to be street so he can fight against a one-time cigar-chomping barroom brawler who decided to start wearing suits.

Call this feud the Wigger vs. the Reformed Redneck. Because no matter what you call it, you can't make it any less enthralling than it already is.

So that was the archetypical storyline heading into WM21, where Cena took the WWE Title from JBL in a crappy 10-minute match that even those within WWE agreed was Not Very Good. This rematch took 7 weeks to get to, but it's Cena and JBL's chance to "make good" and deliver the memorable blow-off match that they didn't at Mania.

The extra part of the story to get here is simple: for a month, Cena just treaded water and waited while Teddy Long conducted a "#1 Contender's Series." Out of six men, JBL ended up standing tall at the end (Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, Booker T, Big Show, and Rey Mysterio were the other five challengers). So he earned his title rematch (after being so cocky as to not bother putting a rematch clause into his original contract).

Since the match has been locked in, the hostilities have been purely verbal. And the feud, such as it is, has pretty much been carried by JBL's outstanding assholitude, more so than by Cena's likeability. For instance, as soon as Cena debuted a new customized WWE Title belt, JBL began appearing with the OLD title belt, declaring that the new belt and the new champion were both abominations and that soon, he would again be recognized as the WWE Title holder.

Another one of their verbal confrontations resulted in Cena challenging JBL to make their rematch an "I Quit" match. They've also taken turns taking potshots at the other's merchandise: JBL mocking Cena's crappy new album, and Cena poking fun at JBL's year-old book. Not exactly the most exciting stuff, but I'll say this: at least they kept it relatively free from the utter crap and juvenile antics that marked the road to WM21. Instead of being unlikable this time around, Cena's just more.... bland. He's there, but that's about it.

And that's the crux of the problem: by trying to create a tough-nosed "thug" character who is still safe for 10-year-olds to cheer for, WWE has pretty much robbed Cena of any chance to be a truly complete character. In this feud, JBL is actually the more entertaining of the two. The problem is, he's not quite good enough to inspire me to cheer for him over Cena; nor is Cena bad enough that I want to see him lose to any average schlep. This is your main event, WWE Title feud, and I'm finding it hard to muster up strong feelings one way or the other. And that's just not good.

We'll see what they can do with the "I Quit" gimmick.... I actually have high hopes that the No Rules environment frees them up to do things that will ramp up the drama, even if this isn't a **** Workrate Showcase. JBL, it should be noted, made a guarantee: but not to win the match... merely to make Cena bleed. So right there, I think you can see the direction Cena and JBL are intending to go: make up for other deficiencies with UltraViolence. Both are competent brawlers, so as long as they keep the pace moving (if they've only got 15 minutes worth of action, that means only doing a 15 minute match, instead of dragging it out into 25), I think this COULD end up as a satisfying climax to the show, and the match that FINALLY legitimizes Cena's underwhelming WM21 title win.
  

The OOutlOOk
Cena wins: 9 votes   --|--  JBL wins: 0 votes

Erin Anderson Says... John Cena d. JBL.
There's a pay-per-view this weekend? Shit. I didn't know about it. I don't watch SmackDown! I don't care. My knowledge of the show and its storylines is extremely limited. So why the hell am I doing this? I know you like to have everyone participate, Rick, but I'm probably just going to drag down OO's prediction percentage with this.

But fuck it. Why not?

So Cena and JBL in an "I Quit" match? Hopefully they'll get more than 10 minutes to tell the story (*coughWrestlemaniacough*), because if JBL bleeds enough, this might be entertaining. I wish I could give some insight into these characters and where the booking will go from here, but I have no clue. Half the time, I don't even remember that wrestling is on every Thursday night. Cena's not dropping the title this soon after WrestleMania, so he gets stretchered out of the arena with his stupid new bling-y belt still in hand.

Canadian Bulldog Says... John Cena d. JBL.
Although I don't (yet) see Cena as the answer to SmackDown's woes, there's a lot more upside (and potential opponents going forward) than there is by giving the strap back to JBL at this point. Don't get me wrong -- I can definitely see another title in Bradshaw's future (let's face it: the guy eventually proved his worth), I just don't think it will happen this Sunday. Cena's CD is selling quite well, the guy is over, and he's not an *awful* worker. Plus... there's no way WWE would create a belt that ugly only to give it two months' use.
Matt Hocking Says... John Cena d. JBL.
Cena's going to HAVE to take this one, if the WWE wants to establish any sort of credibilty on Cena as a champion.  JBL is a perfect feud for this, given their longish backstory and abrupt Wrestlemania match, along with JBL's superlong title reign and good to great mic work in that time.  The feud hasn't by any means set the world on fire or anything, but it never really had to.  People love Cena and they hate JBL, and come match time, I think that'll be all that matters.  The fact that Cena has a new CD that (by all accounts) has been selling fairly briskly, makes it doubly important
that Cena win his first big title defense.

The WWE has done well in setting up the perfect kind of match the two men involved.  Both guys are mediocre level brawlers, which suits the run-'n-chair offensive style of an I Quit match very well.  Both guys have well built characters that are too proud to quit easily, and the extracurriculars of the Cabinet, the weaponry, and the one or two big spots
we're sure to have, should be enough flash to distract most people from the lack of meat on this match.  In all, this might, if the WWE pulls out at least one AMAZING spot, rival the best "hardcore" match from the LAST WWE PPV in Minnesota, Summerslam 1999's Test/Shane McMahon.  Yes, it's been that long.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... John Cena d. JBL.
It baffles me how they thought it would be a good idea to have these two in an I Quit match.  Neither man knows a submission move, let alone have an arsenal of them to use on their opponent to get them to quit.  However, I'm guessing that this won't be one of those type of I Quit matches.  Rather, as we saw on Smackdown last night, it's pretty much a ?beat your opponent senseless? type of match.  Since JBL is still carrying around the real WWE title, the smarter move would have been to run the angle like Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon did back in 94 where each man claimed to be champion and they had a ladder match with both straps hanging above the ring.  But once again, we've proven to be more logical and interesting than the real booking team.  As for this match, I suppose this one will be more compelling than their WM match, but that's not saying much.  As much as I would like it to happen, I don't think they'll end Cena's reign so soon.  I guarantee though that even though Cena will "win", JBL will some how dispute the victory.
Jeb Lund Says... John Cena d. JBL.
I learned a hard lesson last year: never bet against JBL. But a harder lesson I've also learned over the years is this: never bet against someone that WWE considers "cool," regardless of all evidence to the contrary. John Cena may be a played-out, white-bread, tedious, no-new-move-learning chunk of hip-hop that you wished hip-hopped into the Charles River during an ice storm, but WWE thinks that he's keener than Danny, Donny, Joey, Johnny and Jordan — and, what the hell, Vanilla — put together. As much as I would love to see the little pest drop the belt to JBL immediately (now there's a lesser-of-two-evils comment for you), I have the sinking sensation that Cena will go on to rucking fule Smackdown for months to come.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... John Cena d. JBL.
Hold up a sec, I feel a rhyme coming on...

Nah, it was just heartburn. Gotta lay off the shawarmas. Anyhoo, I may have been one of the original JBL apologists, but that doesn't mean I think he will or should be getting the title back. Unless they're thinking of pulling a Mankind/Rock thing and swapping the belt a few times. Which I would not advocate. I forsee two courses of action following this PPV: Cena v. Eddie Guerrero, or Cena v. Restaurant Quality RAW Draftee. I expect the latter, because Guerrero needs more heel stank on him before meeting Cena, lest the crowd cheer for the wrong guy.
PyroFalkon Says...  John Cena d. JBL. 
Big Danny T Says... John Cena d. JBL.
The "I quit" match is one of those rare matches that the WWE hauls out on special occaisions. How special? I'm not positive, but I think the most recent one was Rock vs. Mankind in the 1999 Royal Rumble. That being said, how does it feel that they are using a match that defined two men's characters at that time as a blowoff match to a feud that isn't even the #1 story at the PPV between two competitors that have not impressed anyone with their ringwork in recent memory during an off month PPV? And it's not even a guarentee that this is really the blowoff match, because if Cena wins, J"B"L will continue to whine until we get, I dunno, a ladder match at Summerslam, and if J"B"L wins, Cena will be "on the hunt" until we get, I dunno, a ladder match at Summerslam. My prediction is for Cena to retain, tho, mainly because he's got the shiny spinner belt and Vince isn't going to let that go away anytime soon, as long as it keeps selling replicas.
Rick Scaia Says... John Cena d. JBL.
Simple rule of thumb: babyfaces do not say "I Quit." Just look at how much crap JBL had to go through to get Scotty Fucking 2 Goddamned Hotty to say it last night on SD!, then realize that Cena is about 7.3 trillion times higher on the pecking order than Scotty, and then do the math: in "WWE Think," it would take a blast equivalent to 87 supernovas to make John Cena even CONTEMPLATE saying "I Quit."

So it's not gonna happen.

And it probably shouldn't: a sufficiently brutal brawl, and this could be the match that finally "makes" Cena. He sweat, he'll bleed, but he'll never give up. And the "I Quit" stip would be adequate closure on JBL's one year at the top. As unsatisfying a loss as he took at WM21, a match like this could be his proverbial depantsing: forced to say "I Quit," forced to stop carrying around the old WWE Title belt, basically forced to step down and let another heel have a shot on Thursday nights. There's a surplus of them, so the time is now: Cena must win, and move on to a challenger with whom he can have better matches. JBL must advance to the mid-card where he can continue being an entertaining personality, but will cease befouling PPVs with subpar 20 minute main events matches.

 

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. REY MYSTERIO
Very Special "Best Reason To Order This Stupid PPV" Match

No reason to mince words: the last month-and-a-half, these two guys had been the only really good reason to watch SmackDown!, and then the last two weeks when the storyline dictated that Rey be missing in action, it's no accident that the show immediately started resuckening as it started to focus on other issues and other personalities.

So when the two are brought back together on the PPV for yet another one-on-one showdown? You'd have to be pretty dense to not suspect they'll deliver the most excitement and entertainment of the entire PPV.

Like the main event, this is a WM21 rematch, and again, I'm not particularly compelled to go into tons of detail about the pre-WM21 build-up, which actually dated back to November and December. In short: as members of opposing tag teams (Eddie with Booker T, Rey with Rob Van Dam), these two were in the tag title hunt. But when their partners powdered out (Booker to challenge for the WWE Title, RVD to tend to an injury), they wound up as partners, albeit partners with a bit of a friendly rivalry in their past. In all those showdowns (be they tag matches or singles matches), Rey always got the better of Eddie. But at first, Eddie didn't let it bother him, and so that's who Eddie and Rey managed to win the Tag Titles together. Then Eddie's nephew Chavo started getting into his uncle's head a bit, accusing him of teaming with Rey because he knew he couldn't beat Rey. This led up to Eddie issuing a challenge to Rey to fight at WM21.

And in a mostly-scientific showdown, Rey AGAIN beat Eddie. And although you could tell Eddie didn't like it, he took the loss in stride. Eddie and Rey continued as friends and continued defending their tag titles, at least for a few weeks... but even while they were still the tag champs, they both found themselves embroiled in the #1 Contender's Series. And with singles agendas staring them in the faces, both men put the partnership on the back burner.

And worse: both men cost each other matches in the #1 Contender's Series. Eddie's interference caused Rey to be disqualified against JBL, a match that Rey was poised to win if not for Eddie's temper. But Rey seemed to forgive Eddie, and actually tried to help Eddie out the next week in Eddie's match against Kurt Angle; but that time, purely by accident, Rey caused Eddie to be pinned by Kurt. Eddie CLAIMED to accept Rey's apology, but you could tell something was simmering inside him.

Another week later, and Eddie/Rey defended that tag titles against newly-arrived MNM... and in that match, Eddie was distracted by a faceful of Melina's boobs, and Rey was pinned. Rey asked Eddie why he wasn't there to make the save, and Eddie became the aggressor in a shoving match. Still another week later, though, Eddie begged Rey's forgiveness, and asked him to join him one more time in an effort to regain the tag titles. Rey happily agreed... but was hung out to dry. Eddie, with wheedling from Chavo driving him now more than ever, essentially sacrificed Rey to MNM in the rematch.

And then, the coup de grace: 2 weeks ago, Eddie again tried to apologize, but by now, Rey was getting sick of it. Rey ended up in a Street Fight main event against Eddie's nephew, Chavo... and in that match, Rey managed to fend off not just Chavo, but also MNM, to win an excellent match. But afterwards, he fell prey to the 3-on-1 assault. And that's when Eddie came out to the rescue: he fended off Chavo and MNM, and seemed to make good on his apology from earlier. Except NO: as soon as Eddie helped Rey to his feet, he leveled him again, and the ass-whupping was on. In a memorable closing spot, Eddie bloodied Rey and the suplexed him across the steel ring steps. Ouch.

Rey hasn't been seen since, but apparently demanded this PPV match from his hospital bed. Eddie, meantime, has shown up on SD! to explain himself. His claim: that Rey and all the fans were leeching his Latino Heat, and so he had to cut them loose. Now he's got his mojo back, and the sky's the limit. No more friends, no more fans, just looking out for #1. Bastard. He's also taken to carrying around Rey's bloody mask from a few weeks ago, and uttered the classic line, "I already have your blood on my hands, Rey. If you show up at Judgment Day, I'll have your life." Intense.

These are two more guys looking to improve upon a disappointing WM21 outing. And unlike the 2 in the main event, they don't need any stipulation or gimmickry to make it happen. They just need a bit more time, and Eddie's full-on heel turn should ensure a hot crowd, and the rest oughta slide nicely into place. Expect this to be the Match of the Night.
  

The OOutlOOk
Eddie wins: 9 votes   --|--  Rey wins: 0 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
If I were bothering to watch the show, this would be the only match I would care about. Need I say more? We all know how awesome these two are, and I'm hoping everything "clicks" for them this time around, because the last few times they've met on PPV, they weren't quite on the same page. I can't complain much, though, because these two guys wrestling each other on an off-night is still good enough for Match of the Night honors on most shows. If Eddie has just turned heel, then I think he's got to win here. May as well let these guys continue to fight for another month or two, because they are awesome and deserve the showcase. It would help the Smackdown! product immensely to keep this feud going a little longer. Eddie wins (by evil and no-longer-funny cheating, which will set up a rematch. Sweet.)
Canadian Bulldog Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
I'll admit it: I haven't watched a ton of SmackDown in recent months. But what I have seen has been largely related to this match, and it's been pure gold.

Eddie, having dropped the funny shtick for a more dark, serious gimmick, is in a great position right now. He's always been one of the top three or four wrestlers in the company. Now he has a character that people want to see more of, and I can definitely see a Cena-Guerrero program by the end of the year. That said, Eddie goes over. Should be a fantastic match.

Matt Hocking Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
I've heard all the rumors that the WWE would like to extend this feud into the Summer so that they can bring in Super Crazy and Psichosis to do up one of them Luchadore feuds.  Forget about it.  Not that it won't happen, but because it doesn't matter.  Eddie Guerrero needs to go over here, and strong.  Both Eddie and the WWE have done a fantastic job of selling Eddie's heel turn on TV, but for fans to really REALLY bite, he needs to do something in the confines of an actual match, and something worse than putting Rey's mask on some shmuck and beating him about.

In short, these two need to have a fantastic match (better than their Mania showing) with an ending similar to what they did with the break up, with Eddie getting the win.  Right now, in a singles match between heel Eddie and poor face Rey, this Eddie heel turn wouldn't work near so well if Rey gets vindicated immediately on his return.  I suspect that we'll see a more "viscious" Guerrero that will target Rey's injuries mercilously.  The only problem would be him losing via DQ, which wouldn't hurt his image any, but it'd hurt my PPV percentage.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
Clearly this is the only reason to watch the show and I'm sure these two are going to do everything they can to give the fans something memorable.  However, when the match is surrounded by the rest of this junk, it's hard to get real excited.  I really don't have a lot to say about this match as I think they've done some excellent stuff with this feud (although I think it could have been done sooner, but that's neither here nor there).  I think this is finally the won for Eddie to win.  Rey continues to win each of their matches and eventually Eddie has to get one.  Even though the big beatdown a few weeks ago should indicate that Rey gets the victory, I think it's imperative for Eddie's new heel character that he get the win.  I really don't care either way as long as the match is good.  My only hope is that Rey finds a good fitting mask, as the fidgeting with his mask last month took away a little from that match.
Jeb Lund Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
Two important factors. One, Rey Mysterio keeps getting the better of Eddie, leaving Eddie without that definitive win over a pesky opponent. Two, he needs to fully go over to the dark side, and breaking Rey Mysterio in two would certainly get the job done and make sure that those few audience members lingering on his side finally abandon him.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
I had my druthers regarding Eddie's heel turn, but they've pulled it off thus far. Turning on uber-babyface Rey Rey will do that to someone. But there's more to be done. Guerrero needs to continue to lie, cheat and steal against Rey in a non-humorous and deliciously evil fashion. Evil, like the fruits of the Devil. Evil.
PyroFalkon Says...  Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
Big Danny T Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
Eddie is currently 0-fer-3 against Rey. In those previous meetings, Eddie was still happy go lucky Eddie and in that role, Eddie still had a "wall" blocking him from going all out on Rey. Now, Eddie has dropped all pretentions of friendship or good naturedness and has demonstrated that he no longer has any adversion to hurting Rey. Look for this one to outdo Wrestlemania in terms of "Holy Shit!"-itis.
Rick Scaia Says... Eddie Guerrero d. Rey Mysterio.
Well, for six months, Rey has beaten Eddie in every showdown they've had. Tag matches, singles matches, Thursday night matches, PPV matches, and probably also Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, and Cribbage. It seems like he's due to get off the schneid.

And truthfully, if you consider that the main event is basically set up to be JBL's final hurrah as a top heel, that leaves a vacuum. And to help plug that hole, Eddie could use the win here, I guess. In addition to ending his losing streak against Rey, a win here makes sense from the perspective that Rey will come into the match wounded and vulnerable, and thus, able to take the loss without also losing face.

Now, you give ME the book, and I actually pick Rey to win. Up until yesterday, I was prepared to make that pick here, but then I got cold feet and decided to go with "WWE Think" instead of "Rick Think."  I think nothing would be hotter than Rey eeking out another improbable win over Eddie, causing Eddie to go even MORE loco than he has so far... but I don't have faith in WWE to want to drag this storyline out along those lines: I think they will give Eddie his win here on Sunday, and when the times comes for more rematches, they will come because Eddie Cheated 2 Win.

They just need to be careful: Cheating 2 Win is what got Eddie popular to begin with... that's kind of why I think Pitching A Fit After Losing is a good idea, yet again, but I also understand that it's time for Eddie to end his losing streak to Rey. So the cheating has to be evil enough to justify Rey getting rematches, but not the COOL kind of evil. If that makes sense....

 

KURT ANGLE vs. BOOKER T
Very Special "And You Thought It Was Impossible To Screw
Up A Kurt Angle Match, But You Were Wrong" Match

Hoh boy.

You know me: as far as I'm concerned Kurt Angle can really do no wrong. He's Chris Benoit's in-ring ability with The Rock's personality, he's a once-in-a-decade sort of performer. What Flair was in the 80s, what Michaels was in the 90s, that's what Angle has been the last 6 years or so.

Which makes it all the more amazing that a bunch of idiots on the creative team managed to come up with the second Kurt Angle Storyline of this calendar year that just leaves me rolling my eyeballs. First, he was involved in the memorably retarded "Let's See How Many Useless Divas We Can Force Into a Main Event Feud" storyline of January. Granted, Angle was the only one WITHOUT a useless diva (unless you count Mark Jindrak! ZING~!) and was the least-objectionable of the three men in the feud, but still... and now, this abomination.

Ladies and gentlemen: Kurt Angle is horny. And his own wife is apparently not fulfilling her womanly obligations at home, nor are the hot and cold running ringrats satisfactory for Kurt's voracious appetites. Only Booker T's wife Sharmell will suffice when it comes to acts Kurt himself has dubbed bestial. What the fuck?

I could probably try to make this interesting or halfway realistic, but why bother with mentioning the #1 Contender's Series and how this might, at some level, break down to a desire to get a WWE Title shot. WWE's braindead, worse-than-Springer, COMPLETELY-out-of-character and out-of-context storytelling of the past few weeks hasn't bothered to go those routes. So until they get their heads out of their ass and start paying me to fix their ideas, I'm not gonna try.

So: this one is all about Kurt Angle's insatiable lust for Sharmell T (who Kurt claims is just as hot for him as he is for her) and Booker's defense of his wife's honor. And I couldn't possibly care any less. Fuck you, WWE, for making the damned-near-impossible look so absolutely simple. You've made Kurt Angle an easily dismissible performer. Nice work, monkeys.
  

The OOutlOOk
Angle wins: 7 votes   --|--  Booker wins: 2 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
I hear Booker's wife has been showing up recently and awesomely bitching out Booker's opponents backstage. She'll be involved in this somehow, and I'm guessing that she'll inadvertently cost Booker the win here (miscommunication, or her being put in peril of some sort.) I love Angle and like Booker, but this match is a great big steaming pile of apathy to me. Whatever. Angle wins because I like him more than Booker, and then he can move onto John Cena, with whom he has a track record of good-to-great matches. You want to make Cena look good? Angle's your man.
Canadian Bulldog Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
I won't even pretend to understand this whole bestiality "thing". The storyline, that is, not bestiality in general. Er.... not that I really understand that, either. Sure, there was this one time a petting zoo where we all... WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC!!!

Point is, they really didn't need add this aspect into the storyline. You have two solid, dependable workers, and they already had an issue dating back to the non-Gold Rush tournament. Wrestler A feuds with Wrestler B because A interfered in B's match. It's a simple formula; one that's been used since the beginning of time.

Anyways, like Guerrero, Angle probably has a title shot in his future, so it would make a lot more sense to put him over here. And its not like WWE has made a point of making Booker T look good anyways. Why start now?

Matt Hocking Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
If they're jobbing out JBL in the main event and continuing the Rey Misterio/Eddie Guerrero feud, they've got to protect one main heel to run against John Cena, and I'll guess it's going to have be Kurt Angle.  The stuff between Angle and Paisley has been really stupid, but the match itself shouldn't be too bad, depending on which versions of each man shows up.  Angle has said that he's back close to feeling good, but you never know with him, and Booker's back is always a question mark.  Despite that, these two are still both tremendous athletes, which works to the match itself's favor.

My guess is that Paisley will end up being a bigger distraction at ringside for Booker than for Angle, as Angle chases her around, distracting Booker just long enough for Kurt to slap on an anklelock and get the win.  Not really sure where they'd go from there (the most obvious and cringe worthy ending being Angle finally getting his hands on Paisley).  The best case senario I can think of right now is that Angle reveals that he's been playing Booker the whole time to get an easy win, and challenging Cena to a match against a "real" master of making people say "I quit."  But that's probably not where they're going.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
3 weeks ago, I was starting to get very excited about this match.  It was the first time in a while that Booker was going to be in a high profile match that had a chance to be very good.  However, their decision to do this god-awful angle with Angle's fetish has completely ruined the appeal to this match.  There is still a strong hope that the workrate will be fine for the match, but it's hard to get excited when you fear where this feud will go.  Does Kurt win and kidnap Sharmell?  Does Booker seem poised to win only for Sharmell to turn on Kurt?  Does Kurt win cleanly and we just drop this angle?  I'm pretty sure that no matter what the end result is, it won't be pleasant. 
Jeb Lund Says... Booker T d. Kurt Angle.
I don't think this angle makes any sense if Booker loses in the end. Torment, insult and assault Booker's woman — and what? He charges up to you and gets his ass kicked? No, no, no. That sort of thing might work if you're Triple H, but it's not going to play again. Not with Booker being the victim both times. I say he gets vengeance in a surprisingly great match with Angle.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
Unlike The Rick, I've gotten a jolly good chuckle out of Angle's sweet nothings to Sharmell. It's a mind game-thing, like Rick Rude versus Jake Roberts, only with the added incongruity of Angle being the hips-swiveller. Even if you don't like the premise, come on, it's Angle and Booker T. That's good wrestling.
PyroFalkon Says...  Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
Big Danny T Says... Booker T d. Kurt Angle.
Booker will take this one. Not even going into the fact that Booker hasn't had a PPV win in... forever, but please god just so that we can get beyond the stupid "I wanna fuck your wife!" bullshit!
Rick Scaia Says... Kurt Angle d. Booker T.
Like I said in the last prediction, up until yesterday, I was going with the logic that only one (1) of Kurt or Eddie would win, and that one would then move up to challenge Cena, while the other would be stuck with another month or so of his current feud. Well: I changed that around to allow both to win, but I STILL think that only one of Kurt and Eddie is gonna move on up, while the other sticks in his current feud.

Eddie: please enjoy a continued feud with Rey Mysterio. But Kurt Angle: please put your wang away, finish this asinine storyline, and get yourself back in character and away from whatever horseshit the creative team hands you, and you should find yourself feuding with John Cena, post haste.

It makes my brain hurt to even think about this match, again a testament to how fucked up WWE is if they can make me unenthusiastic about Kurt Angle. Best I can figure is that Booker will be on tilt, and Angle will capitalize on some mistake he or his wife makes to win the match. It could even be dumber than that, too: Booker or Sharmell could "snap" and get DQ'ed. In any case, Kurt wins by winning the match and then moving on to face Cena; Booker saves face by having his wife remain loyal and untouched by Kurt's demon seed (despite Kurt's bragging to the contrary) and never speaking of this retarded storyline again. 

Please: that's really all I'm begging for.... that Angle wins and we pretend these last 3 weeks never happened. OK?

 
BIG SHOW vs. CARLITO COOL

Very Special "At Least We Won't See Big Show's Ass" Match

This could be interesting. Two exceptionally charismatic personalities + a guaranteed-sweet Big Man vs. Little Man dynamic = Not an entire waste of time and space. Hopefully.

The story is short and sweet: a week ago, Carlito offered Big Show a job as Carlito's bodyguard, and Show turned him down on the grounds that he plays second banana to no man. So Carlito tricked him into eating a poisoned apple and then kicked the shit out of him.

Big Show asked for the PPV match, and got it. Because Carlito, he found his new bodyguard and won't be coming to Judgment Day alone: Matt Morgan will have his back.

That's another interesting element here: not only will Carlito have the Crafty Little Man vibe rolling, but he'll have his own big man outside the ring. It's essentially a 2-on-1 situation, which makes this a bit less of a foregone conclusion. A very tiny bit.... but still: some mic work by Carlito to set the stage, and I think you'll get the crowd into this one, and it could be a nice piece of fun fluff on an undercard that is absolutely devoid of anything that'll engage the crowd.
  

The OOutlOOk
Big Show wins: 6 votes   --|--  Carlito wins: 3 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Carlito Cool d. Big Show.
Big Show loses because he always seems to get the short end of the booking stick. Let Morgan figure into the finish and help Carlito get the win, and then endure the asshattery of Carlito for a month or two until the fans are practically begging for Morgan to be turned face.
Canadian Bulldog Says... Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
I really dug the poisoned apple/Snow Wight angle a couple of weeks back, but I can't see that leading to a decisive win by Team Carlito. Show is at his absolute best as a crazed animal, and I expect this match to have plenty of that. Even if its a DQ win, Big Show still gets the nod.
Matt Hocking Says... Carlito Cool d. Big Show.
Could go either way, right?  Show's been so buried in this feud, that you'd almost think that the guy HAS to get the win sometime or another.  But Big Show is teflon for that kind of thing, because no matter how many times he jobs, he's still bigger than anybody else, and thereby, he stays over.  But the guy's gotta win sometime.  He HAS to.  Right?

The addition of Matt Morgan in the feud adds a little bit of uncertainty, but not for any particularily interesting reason (Triple C and Morgan seem really oddly paired, don't they?).  Logic dictates that you ALWAYS pick against Big Show on PPV whenever you can, and also dictates that they've gotta put over the new bodyguard for a few matches, unless it's Viscera.  Carlito gets the crap beaten out of him all match long, but Morgan inserts himself some how, and Show gets pinned.  This sets up a Morgan/Show feud for a few months or so, while Carlito goes on to whatever else you can do with
him.  Interim challenger for the WWE Title?  It might work for a Smackdown or two anyway.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
As much as I love Carlito, I have to say he dropped down a cool peg or two last night by choosing the stuttering idiot to be his heavy.  I just don't see promise in this pairing.  I would love it if Morgan messed up and caused Carlito to lose on Sunday and then Carlito immediately fired him.  But I don't think that's the gameplan.  I'm sure Morgan will get involved, but I think Show can overcome it.  Carlito has gotten the better of Show the past two weeks and after the embarrassing sumo match at WM, Show could really use a good win.  I'd rather not have Carlito job on his first singles PPV match, but I believe at this point that Carlito is strong enough to overcome it.
Jeb Lund Says... Carlito Cool d. Big Show.
Big Show never wins. Carlito could use the win. After winning, Big Show could opt to appear on Carlito's show and be his muscle. The Monster Big Show would once again be occupied away from the belt. Carlito could exert a little domination on the show. This crap writes itself. Unless I'm wrong. In that case, totally different crap will write itself.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
I predict Matt Morgan will join Carlito in some shenanigans that will result in a DQ, leaving Carlito relatively unscathed. Since we've already done the Snow White thing with the poisoned apple, maybe this time Carlito will shoot Bambi's mother.
PyroFalkon Says...  Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
Big Danny T Says... Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
As cool as it would be for Carlito to take out a man 3 times his size, even with Matt Morgan's help, he won't be able to take down the Big Show.
Rick Scaia Says... Big Show d. Carlito Cool.
Here's another one where "WWE Think" and "Rick Think" are in direct opposition. In "Rick Think," Carlito should win, since that'd be the cooler way to establish Carlito as yet another upper-card heel to be taken seriously AND establish his dynamic with Matt Morgan as an effective bodyguard. And then what you do is later on, you give Show the win over Morgan to "blow off" the feud without Carlito ever giving up a loss. But in "WWE Think," Big show should win because he's big.

For whatever it's worth, Erin's "Carlito picks on Morgan and Morgan turns face before too long" idea is only "Erin's" in the sense that she comes alphabetically first, dammit... she just completely absconded with one of my insightful observations: that's what I get for taking the time to help her cover up the fact that she hasn't watched a minute of SD! in months (and, based on the need for a personalized tutorial, can't even be bothered to read about it anymore! Not even in her most favoritest webmaster's column!). My good manners: always coming back to bite me on my ass.

Luckily, I may have taught Young Miss Anderson all she knows about this PPV, but I did not teach her all *I* know, for I can take that interesting little subplot and make it work this way OPPOSITE from how she predicted it: Morgan's interference could actually indirectly cause Carlito's loss to Big Show, and THAT would trigger Carlito's mistreatment of Morgan. Subtle at first, and then growing more and more pronounced. I picture it as a slow burn thing where Carlito, ever the chickenshit, knows what line not to cross with Morgan (and Morgan, perhaps a little shy and insecure over his speech impediment, lets himself be the target of some of Carlito's teasing). In the short term, I figure what you do is let Carlito blame the loss on Morgan, which sets Morgan up for a run as Big Show's next (forced-by-his-boss) opponent (and Morgan's first loss), while Carlito, by christ, should focus his energies on bigger and better things (more on that in my US Title Match prediction).

But in the long run, what a Big Show win here should do is just set the tone that Morgan is the sympathetic whipping boy for Carlito who shall be a babyface by summer's end. I think that's what you need to look for out of this match... or at least, if WWE's thinking further ahead than 2 weeks -- always a dodgy proposition -- that's what you should look for.

 

PAUL LONDON vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Cruiserweight Title Match

Um, wow. Somebody remembered that the Cruiserweight Title is still around. And that Paul London has it. And that he won it in a six-man match WITHOUT actually beating Chavo Guerrero, who was the champion going into that match. And that he was, for some reason, NOT given the pay-off match against Chavo at WM21. And that he disappeared from TV for about the next six weeks.

Yet somehow, here we are, FINALLY: Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero, the PPV Showdown. This is basically the result of a completely random six-man tag match a week ago in which Chavo Guerrero (partnered with MNM) pinned London (partnered with Haas/Holly) to win the match. Just like that Chavo's claim to the CW Title was restaked.

There's no denying how good a match these two could have. But will it pan out? I don't know. An undercard as crappy as this one means that the live crowd will likely be out of this show for vast stretches: and good as the cruisers can be, they can't salvage a crowd that is having to sit through matches predicated on Kurt Angle's boner, or in which Heidenreich could win the US Title. A dead crowd saps any match of its sizzle. And of course, the other issue: time. These two could use 15 minutes of it, but if they only get 5, that'll only compound problems. Give it time, and they can create an entire match; don't give it time, and this'll be a forgettable affair with probably one trademarked Paul London Holy Shit Spot peppered in somewhere at random.
  

The OOutlOOk
London wins: 8 votes   --|--  Chavo wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
Holy shit - London is still the champion? Has he been getting TV time every week? I may have to rethink my "Who cares about SmackDown?" stance. I don't know what Chavo's been up to, but London is so awesome that I'm going to put my faith in the Power of Positive Thinking and say that London will win. If I say it, it'll happen, dammit!
Canadian Bulldog Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
This, oddly, is the match I'm torn most on. Paul London *should* win here; he's really owed a WrestleMania match -- even though he won the title before that -- to legitimize his reign. On the flip side, though, Chavo winning may work out nicely with all the cruiserweights that are expected to join the roster soon, such as Super Crazy, Psycosis, etc. So its hard to pick a winner here, but I'll go all safe and pick London.
Matt Hocking Says... Chavo Guerrero d. Paul London.
Don't know that this is official, as it's not listed on the Judgment Day Match Listing, but if it is, and it's on the PPV, I think Chavo wins it.  Not that I don't like Paul London as the champion, but this senario makes the Guerrero/Misterio match a little more interesting later on in the night. Chavo's title win would lead to a backstage pep talk from Chavo to Eddie about protecting the Guerrero family name just like he protected it earlier that night.  If Chavo loses, it doesn't help things any, unless Heel Eddie takes the time to chew Chavo out.

[Note from Rick: Matt also added that if the match takes place on Heat, he'd pick London to win... but if the match takes place on Heat -- contrary to current advertising -- it won't count towards any OOfficial Predictions, so we only count the Chavo pick for Matt.]

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
With Chavo spending as much time as he has sticking his nose into the Eddie/Rey feud, I'm surprised they are even having this match.  However, I do recall that Chavo has beaten London twice recently to necessitate him being the #1 contended.  This could have been so much more, but again that would have required the WWE to actually care about the cruisers.  If given proper time, this would be solid, but I'm pretty sure it'll be lucky if it gets 10 minutes.  I think given the fact that Chavo has gotten those wins, he won't get the win here.  Plus, with the draft around the corner, I think it would be better to not rock the boat and allow London to potentially face a new opponent who comes over from RAW.
Jeb Lund Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
In the last six months, Cape Cod chips have really stepped up to the plate. Up until then, they were pretty predictable: good crispy potato chips, available in regular and low-cal versions. Then, around the Super Bowl, apropos of nothing — HUZZAH! There's Salt and Vinegar, Nantucket Spice, Barbecue, and Jalapeño and Aged Cheddar. My wife really likes Salt and Vinegar, and they're pretty good. But for some reason, too many of them make the top of my tongue feel like it's cracking. It's the sourness. I get the same thing if I eat two rolls of Sweetarts or Spree. The Nantucket Spice has its points: it's mainly very salty and peppery, and it's an excellent beer chip. (As in, "It's much better with a beer than without — whereas a plain potato chip is great with soda or tea or water or even on its own.") But my favorites are the Barbecue and the Jalapeño and Aged Cheddar. The barbecue chips are transcendant. Practically every time I have a goddamned barbecue chip, it's really thin and crumbly and greasy, and ninety percent of the flavor is in the dust that collects on my greasy fingers. The Cape Cod Barbecue Chips are thick and crisp like all their other chips, and the spiciness of the barbecue flavor is delivered with their customary minimum of grease and with barely noticeable "flavor dust" accumulation on the fingers. And while you might think that that would be the apotheosis of chip, I urge you to try the Jalapeño and Aged Cheddar. It's a vision. I love this chip. I would welcome this chip into my home and recommend it to family. I would proudly eat this chip at a funeral — even if eating were prohibited. The loud crunch would not be an alarm indicating my tactlessness but rather a beacon calling all to take note of my fantastic potato chip palate. I recommend this chip as I recommend all Cape Cod chips. I may go so far as to say that Cape Cod chips are the premiere brand of chip in this nation. I may, but I won't. I believe they are still neck and neck with the wonderful but less widespread "Dirty Chips." One thing I will say, though: they'd beat the fuck out of Kettle Chips and drag their broken bleeding sorry asses to die on their front porches, in front of their wives. Kettle Chips are weak. Though they remain the perfect snack food for revenge.

London wins.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
Who's got the title again? Whichever. Seriously, they've buried this title so much that you can let these guys go for 15-20 minutes of great action, and it doesn't matter anymore what happens in the last two. But let's chalk one up for the good guys here. Balance and all that.
PyroFalkon Says...  Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
Big Danny T Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
The Rule of Guererro Economics clearly states that no more than one (1) Guererro per PPV will emerge victorious (exception: when two Guererro's are in a Tag team.) So since I already gave Eddie the nod, Chavo, looks like you are S.O.L. Besides, it would be nice if Smackdown actually gave the Jobberweight title some credibility instead of just passing it around the lockerroom.
Rick Scaia Says... Paul London d. Chavo Guerrero.
They already robbed London of his chance to pay-off his feud with Chavo in a singles match at WM21. Now they've robbed him of his caveman outfit on the grounds that it was too close to the faggoty fur robes worn by MNM, and heaven forefend they confuse the dimwits in the audience. They will NOT rob London of the Cruiserweight Title. No! I won't stand for it!

Actually, who knows? They might....

But I don't think so. Chavo seems like he's got enough going on, existing on the fringes of storylines with both MNM and his uncle Eddie. He'll be fine without the CW Title. London, on the other hand, would have nothing without the strap. So I say keep it on him. As far as other cruisers go, I think Spike, Akio, or Kidman are more interesting as possible challengers to London than Funaki, Moore, or Scotty would be to Chavo.... so using the metric of "there are better matches to be had, albeit I'd have to watch Velocity to see them, if London retains," I'll say London retains. 

And then I'll proceed to see none of those matches I just outlined. Unless WWE remembers the CW Title still exists the next time a PPV comes up.

 

MNM vs. CHARLIE HAAS/BOB HOLLY
Tag Team Title Match

Um, so OK.... you know how I said in the previous match's preview that it was predicated at least in part on a randomly generated six-man tag match a week ago?

Well this one is predicated ENTIRELY on that randomly generated six-man tag, and is one of the most inexcusably lazy and pointless PPV contests in recent memory. MNM have promise, Charlie Haas is criminally underutilized, and all... but somebody needs to get it through their thick skulls that nobody, not ever, in the history of time nor space, will pay money to see Bob Holly wrestle. And plus: the lazy storytelling (such as it is) doesn't help. This match is barely Velocity-worthy, and here I'm supposed to be fired up to watch it on a PPV?

I think not, Pedro. 
  

The OOutlOOk
MNM win: 9 votes   --|--  Haas/Holly win: 0 votes

Erin Anderson Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Poor Charlie Haas. A few years back, he was in the best tag team in the company and under the tutelage of Kurt Angle. Now he's stuck teaming with Hardcore Holly while Shelton Benjamin routinely steals the show on RAW?  Shit, Stevie Richards has it better than Haas at this point. Just to dig the knife in a little deeper, he'll lose here to a team named after a fucking chocolate candy.  Sorry, buddy.
Canadian Bulldog Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Now let us never speak of this again.
Matt Hocking Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
For exactly four reasons:

1.  Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly are NOT going to win the Tag Team titles.
2.  MNM are too new, and have too much of the WWE machine behind them to make them seem "special" to lose on their first PPV title defense.  Especially to Holly/Haas.
3.  Melina is readily available to run interference if the WWE so desires. 
4.  This match is pretty much just a vehicle to put MNM over strong on PPV without damaging anyone on the roster who actually matters.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Give me a break.  Why should we believe for one second that Haas and Holly have any remote chance of winning this match?  What, because Holly beat Mercury in a meaningless singles match?  This is clearly just padding for the undercard.  MNM get the easy win and continue to roll until two men who actually resemble a team come along to challenge them.  If Haas doesn't work the majority of the match, I will be in agony.
Jeb Lund Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
When you look at these two teams, you just see two great competitors. These guys like to wrestle, and fans can see that. When they get out there, they give absolutely 110%, and they're unselfish. Will you look at these guys? No one is out there on their own. They're all thinking about the TEAM. And what they want to do for the team is step up. Look for these guys to step up, because I guarantee you two will. And the two who do will make great plays. Great players make great plays, and at the end of the day, it's the two teams who made the most great plays who are going to win. Now when I look at MNM, I not only see two superstars, I see two people who are poised like a bear in sheep's clothing, head bowed in prayer for combat, ready to rise above like Samaritan Icarus and yelling into the sea like a phoenix. Mark my words: Haas and Holly will fumble against the ropes, become embroiled in a stink/scandal/imbroglio/fooforah-Gate and find out that close only counts in horshoes and hand-to-heart, they're going to discover where's the beef, baby, terror freedom liberty peace evil.

EVER!!!!!!!
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
The big push continues - for Melina. Mamacita... oh, I guess I should say something about the match itself. Ummm... bountiful pontoons! Oh, what a giveaway. I'm not gonna lie to you, that's a healthy piece of real estate.
PyroFalkon Says...  MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Big Danny T Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Holly and Haas are Velocity level, at best. And while MNM probably SHOULD be there, they just so happen to be the lucky holders of the belts right now,  They actually have much more personality then the challengers, and they have a super hot manager. Tough luck Holly/Haas, if Charlie had hung onto Miss Jackie, then maybe I would have given you the nod, but no title for you today. Get a good feud going, and we'll see what happens next time.
Rick Scaia Says... MNM d. Haas/Holly.
Duh. MNM are the new team on the block, and Haas/Holly haven't been relevant (either individually or together) in months. This is a slamdunk. MNM wins, if there is ANY justice in the world, Haas gets lotteried over to RAW to feud with Shelton over the IC Title, and Bob Holly can go do whatever it is Bob Holly likes to do. As long as he does it on Velocity.

There's enough talent in the ring that this won't outright suck as a match, but I'm guessing not one fan will give a shit. Melina's ring entrance will get the biggest pop of this match.

Also: I just realized that in this entire document, the only member of MNM I mentioned by name was Melina. Twice. Once here and once in the Eddie/Rey preview. There's probably a snide remark that could be made here about how ill that bodes for the other two anonymous putzes she's with, but I'll refrain until such time as they're in a match somebody cares about, and thus, a match worth my A-game material...

 

ORLANDO JORDAN vs. HEIDENREICH
Very Special "No, I am *NOT* Shitting You, This Match Really *IS* For the Once-Prestigious U.S. Title" Match

And the further down the card we go, things only get LESS compelling, even when you thought that would be impossible. Less compelling that MNM vs. Haas/Holly? Yep, because the once prestigious United States Title is on the line in a match between a champion who's barely been on TV the last 2 months and a challenger we WISH hadn't been on TV the last 2 months.

Jordan won the title before WM21 mostly just because it was "in the way" of Cena's quest to win the Big Gold; so in a move that probably seemed like a good idea at the time, WWE had JBL's henchman successfully beat Cena for the US Title. Problem is that since then, if Jordan's had a successful title defense on TV, I've missed it. Hell, if they've even really mentioned he's the champion, I've missed it. Jordan, as a C-level star holding the B-level belt, has essentially made the US Title disappear.

And then there's Heidenreich, who continues to be all OVER TV which his new gimmick: the wrestling retard. Except not as cute or entertaining as Eugene. If he hadn't spent the last part of 2004 raping Michael Cole and having Moments of Vague Homoeroticism with Snitsky, maybe it wouldn't be quite as sick and wrong that he's now consorting with young boys.... but he is, and it's not amusing, and it's silly, and on top of all that, his matches still suck. OK, WWE, so I'm fully aware that you keep giving Heidenreich chance after chance to latch on because "He tries really hard." But jesus, I tried real hard to be a guitar player, and never got much better than hack rhythm guitarist, so I just swallowed my pride, switched to bass, and moved on. Effort's all well and good, but if you can't deliver, you can't deliver. Heidenreich has yet to deliver, not even once.

And yet, here he is with a US Title shot? And how'd he get it again? Oh yeah, by winning a non-title match against OJ last night on SD!.... except: why'd he get a non-title match? There was NEVER ANY REASON GIVEN. Christ. Ostensibly the 3rd or 4th most prestigious title in the industry, and THIS is the amount of effort you're putting into it, WWE? If the tag title match doesn't put 'em to sleep (or send 'em rushing to the restrooms), this one'll do the trick....
  

The OOutlOOk
Heidenriech wins: 4 votes
Orlando Jordan wins: 4 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Heidenreich d. Orlando Jordan.
Heidenreich is a babyface now? I suddenly feel the need to check and make sure the skies haven't turned orange and plagues of locusts aren't ravaging the earth, because surely the apocalypse is nigh. I just... I don't get it. Heidenreich wins, because I'm so confused I don't even know where I am right now, and in a world where nothing makes sense, Heidenreich has a belt around his waist.
Canadian Bulldog Says... Orlando Jordan d. Heidenreich.
Disclaimer first: I really do think Heidenreich has the potential to become a lot better than he is right now. Sure, he's an untalented lump of shit with "Hoss" written all over him, but he's got tremendous charisma and plays the psycho nut job quite well. I was disappointed that they turned him face so quickly when there wasn't yet a demand to turn him. And I STILL don't understand the Brooklyn Brawler segment.

Nonetheless, Orlando needs a win over someone, anyone, to pretend that's he even a remotely worthy champion. And who better than Jobber John H. to fill that role?

Matt Hocking Says... Orlando Jordan d. Heidenreich.
For this match, I'll simply pull out the "If Hnnrnnr got the win on free TV, Jordon will get the win on PPV" rule for WWE Mid-Card matches.  Hnnrnnr should be kept away from title matches of any sort at all cost, but the Smackdown roster is so thin in this area, it almost makes a sad kind of sense that he's the one getting the shot here.  It's the kind of sense that makes you die a little on the inside, you know?

Hnnrnnr himself has been pushed so heavily on TV lately, that they have to do SOMETHING with him (sadly enough, again), and Jordon has no readily available opponents with which to defend his title.  Really, I'm shocked the WWE didn't bring in Tha Tradmarc and/or Bumpy Knuckles (for all you who wrote in about my album review:  THERE, I spelled them correctly) to sell one PPV match against the Cabinet...wait...sorry, I'm not.  So, somehow, from the depths of hell, this match is born.  My prediction?  Hnnrnnr reads a poem, gets some woefully terrifed/bored looking kid out of the crowd to do a little dance which is really creepy, Jordan comes out, the Bashams attack Hnnrnnr from behind, and Jordan rolls him up for the win.  YAY!
Adam Gutschmidt Says... Orlando Jordan d. Heidenreich.
I can't believe I am actually being forced to make a choice in this match.  This is worst than having to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.  Thank goodness Heidenreich is on Smackdown where they can pipe in the crowd cheers, because if he was on RAW the awfulness of this gimmick would be revealed.  Why would any young boy or girl in the audience want to be near this horrid offspring of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bushwacker Luke.  I figure that since Heidenreich won on Thursday, OJ will find a way to win on Sunday.  If we're lucky they?ll put this on HeAT instead and I won't have to be subjected to watching it.
Jeb Lund Says... Orlando Jordan d. Heidenreich.
Supposedly Heidenreich is a quasi-face now. Wonders never cease. And while I could see him winning, I think it makes sense for Jordan to hold onto the belt a little longer. JBL and his Cabinet once dominated Smackdown, and the final dissolution of their power and their group will make an interesting angle. However, I think the time for that is further down the road. For now, Jordan should retain, thus giving the Cabinet something to focus on. They can support Jordan and plot and scheme. Later, when the Cabinet break-up story doesn't have to fill as much of a storytelling void, they can run that angle and branch off into others.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Heidenreich d. Orlando Jordan.
Admit it. You know it has to happen. Just think of the lineage of this great title. Ric Flair. Roddy Piper. Rick Steamboat. Wahoo McDaniel. Barry Windham. Sting. Eddy Guerrero. And... Hei-den-REICH! Hei-den-REICH!

Mind you, after that match they had on the ol' telly, there may have been some second thoughts about giving the big man such a distinction. But Heidenreich is nothing if not a known quantity. And, besides, he wants us to be his friends. Did Magnum T.A. ever ask you to be his friend? Hell, no.
PyroFalkon Says...  N/A.
This match was added after PyroFalkon's picks were submitted.
Big Danny T Says... Heidenreich d. Orlando Jordan.
A poem!

Orlando cheated to win Thursday,
Heidenreich needs more friends,
If he wins the US title,
He'll SURELY get more friends,
It's not a PPV,
Without a title change,
So everyone prepare yourself,
For a Champ that's really strange!

And THIS has been a poem, by Big Danny T!
Rick Scaia Says... Heidenreich d. Orlando Jordan.
Jordan only won the title because somebody had to take it off Cena. The past 2 months have made it startlingly clear that he's got no business still holding it.

Heidenreich also has no business holding it. But I look at it this way: there are more heels than babyfaces who DO have business holding it, so this way, we can use Heidenreich as an purely interim champion. A placeholder. If OJ holds on to it, it's another 2 months on Velocity for the US Title, and that cannot be allowed to happen.

But if Heidenreich wins? That's an engraved invitation to get Carlito Cool back in possession of the US Title which should never have been stolen from him in the first place (RIGHT HERE, in Dayton, OH!). So purely on the grounds that Heidenreich's title win would result in a quicker Resolution To The Suck than OJ's continued title reign, yeah: I'm actually picking Heidenreich. It's still not good, but it'll get us good places faster than if they do some lazy-ass bullshit like cart the Bashams out here to get a cheap win for a champion that absolutely zero fans believe in and with zero challengers worth rooting for.

Trust me, I'm no happier about it than you are. And truly, in this match, there will be no winners. Only losers. Including us poor saps who have to sit through this abomination.

 

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Seven announced matches is a pretty full slate.... but you know us here at OO: we are not content to analyze the announced. We know there'll be a few other things going on Sunday night. Here are some of our thoughts....
  

The OOutlOOk

Erin Anderson Says... I'm doing this last paragraph only because The Rick twisted my arm.
I had a hard enough time coming up with a paragraph for each match, let alone extra fluff. Uhhh... the Undertaker will show up? I miss seeing him on TV. I wouldn't be shocked if Randy Orton showed up for a time-wasting promo, either. It'd make sense given the impending Draft Lottery, and this show will be stretched thin enough as it is for content.
Canadian Bulldog Says... the Best Predictions Ever! EVER!!
Since I was too busy this week putting together the most awesome ITR column ever to include some "Judgmental Day" predictions, I thought I'd use this opportunity here to slip back into the Bulldog gimmick and do just that. Also because I don't have anything else to say about the PPV:

-- Smack! Down District Manager Ted E. Long will be debuting his new rap video "Holla Holla!", which has the following lyrics:

Holla, Holla, Playa

Holla Holla!

Holla, Holla, Playa

Holla Holla!

Holla Holla Holla Holla

Holla Holla Holla Holla

Holla, Holla, Playa

Holla Holla!

(Repeat until fade)

-- Spoiler alert: Divas Torrie Watson, Don Marie, Joy Giovanniribisi and Michelle Caribbean Cool will have some sort of bikini/fashion show! Tazzzz will say "This is off the hook, cole!"

-- To cross-promote the upcoming WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW One More Night paper-view, The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To will tastefully cremate Chris Candida in front of the live audience.

-- Scotty The Hotty will be shown backstage, talking with one of the Diva Reject Bitches and saying he's worried about being drafted. Then Vince MacMahon will show up and say "Quite frankly, anyone in the WWE can be drafted. But not you because you're a fucking piece of shit. You're FIRRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDDDD!"

-- Will this be the night where Hollywood Hal Kogan finally return for "One More Match"? BANK ON IT!!!

Matt Hocking Says... Through Rose Colored Spectacles, This Show Ain't So Bad!
I'll be the first to cop to the fact that since I'll be there live, I'm looking at this PPV through semi-rose colored glasses.  No matter what they throw out there, I'm going to have a good time, and that's pretty much all that's important to me.  I don't really care about you all this month.  Sorry.  There are a few matches in there, anyway, that might prove to be pretty fun if you let yourself enjoy them for what they are (Carlito/Show for example, doesn't look good on paper, but the personalities involved might very well make the match itself an enjoyable brawl).

Really, the selling point of the PPV is the two "main events," with Eddie/Rey being the stronger of the two both in terms of story and probable match quality, but I'm not going to overlook the chance that Cena and JBL could use the wide open structure of their match to put together some really
neat spots, which should be fun to watch.  But, overall, this PPV does seem more like a springboard PPV to put over certain talents (Cena, MNM, Carlito) on which they can base their summer run.  Hopefully I'm right, otherwise it will be a fun experience, but ultimately, an empty one.

Extras:

-  I will buy some sort of T-Shirt.  Probably a Judgment Day one, so I can go home and pretend I'm Scotty 2 Hotty.
- The wrestlers will ignore and spite me, because I do not write a Smackdown Satire.
- If London/Chavo makes the PPV, the Heat match will be Rene Dupree v. Akio v. Nunzio, as they are the only active members of the Smackdown roster who I believe are not actually on the PPV.
- Somebody will make a "Whizzinator" joke (my money is on Cena)
- Teddy Long will come out to the ring, say "Buhleedat" and then leave.
- Undertaker will not even put in an appearance, which makes me a little sad.
- I will end up not showing up because moments before the show, I will be arrested for actually looking forward to this PPV.

Section 138, Row G, Seat 14 if you're going.  Stop by and say hello.
Adam Gutschmidt Says... The only surprises are NO surprises.
I don't think we'll get any surprises at this PPV.  That seems to be typical of Smackdown PPVs lately.  I'm sure we'll get plenty of backstage segments.  It seems like only RAW guys have been talking about the draft, so I figure we'll get at least one if not a handful of guys talking about wanting or not wanting to jump ship.  I also figure that Teddy Long will have something to say about the ECW PPV, but I doubt it will be anything as impactful as Bischoff's involvement with the show.  Finally, the Diva skanks will be lurking around somewhere.  After all, they're in the Divas magazine too and I'm sure the time spent pimping it at Backlash wasn't nearly enough. 
Jeb Lund Says... If I wrote the column in question, does this plug make me the pimp or the whore?
I actually wrote a column this week. However, owing to Rick's concern about spatial restraints, it won't run until next Wednesday, Thursday or, maybe, Friday. Check back, and, if you're watching, enjoy the show.
"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Mammalian Protuberances?
For what essentially looks and cooks like a throwaway PPV, I'm looking at three surefire good matches (you know which ones) and possibly a fourth with the tag titles. Mammalian protuberances! Erm... and you know JBL is going to bleed buckets in an attempt to save the show like Eddie did against him last year. But you know what would make this a special event, besides Yours Truly doing a run-in and giving Cena the Macbeth Roll? Jesse Ventura. Hell, we're at the Tar-zhay, so why not? Something with him and Carlito would be so choice.

While we're at it, since Christian is openly campaigning to head to SD! to face Cena, let's have him show up and say a few words to rile up the crowd. Otherwise, I guess it's the usual Interchangeable Diva Fluffery. And we all die a little inside.
Rick Scaia Says... Only Triple H Can Save SmackDown!
There are, of course, three big "surprise appearances" that a lot of people are waiting for... one is the Undertaker, since he was supposed to return to the road last weekend in advance of his return to TV. The others are Brock Lesnar and Jesse Ventura, because the PPV is taking place in Minnesota.

You know what? I wouldn't bet on any of them. Lesnar and WWE still have pending litigation that I don't believe has been settled. Knowing how Jesse prices himself, I tend to think WWE would have promoted him ahead of time in order to get some kind of return on their investment (unless he's just there sitting ringside or something). And much as I'd love to get Taker back on TV, I really don't see a spot for him on this card. Which match does he interfere in? What purpose would him showing up serve?

You want a Shocking Appearance that I really WOULD love to see? Triple H. You want me to believe the "HHH quits RAW" angle for even one second, then have him show up at a SmackDown! event. I, personally, think they should have had him on SD! immediately after his RAW walk out, but maybe Trips is such a Huge Rock Star that he only does PPVs? I dunno, but I DO know that HHH showing up and sitting in a ringside seat or popping into Teddy Long's office backstage or something would be a welcome touch of sizzle to a show that is incredibly lacking in that department.

HHH appearance or no, addressing the draft lottery is something we should see teased in a few spots on the PPV. Again: even if just in Teddy Long skits backstage, we need SOME kind of awareness from SD! stars that the lottery is coming up. Maybe it's just me and my heavy-FF button (I watched last night's SD! in less than half-an-hour earlier this afternoon), but it seems like the only lottery talk has been limited to RAW. They should balance that out if they want the brands to seem equal.

MNM's on-going title reign practically begs for the Dudleys to return to set things right, but I'm not sure if that fits into the framework of this PPV, either. But it should happen soon. Then again, I've been saying that since February.

And as always: it's not The Rick's Extras Section if he doesn't make some snide remark about the Useless Divas showing up to suck the life out of the show. But I guess if it's something silly that ends with Michelle McCool actually Being Useful by kicking Dawn Marie's ass again, I could deal with that. But instead, I'm sure it'll be something more along the lines of a soul-sapping "Sex in the City" vignette in which the Useless Divas and Mrs. Sharmell T talk about that naughty Kurt Angle. And his package, which (if you believe Kurt's latest dumbass promo), Mrs. T fondled. Oy.

 

There you have it: seven big ways to win big at Judgment Day. It's a show that runs the gamut: all the way from matches that actually look like they might be PPV-Worthy, down to a few that seem Thursday-worthy, and all the way to the bottom with a couple that are Velocity-worthy. So if I had to come up with some fake optimism, I might jovially opine that:

Hey, Judgment Day's got a little something for EVERYONE! WHEEEE!!!

Check it out, if you so desire, or otherwise, we oughta have some PPV coverage posted here before you go to bed on Sunday night. See you then, folks....


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 
 
E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 

 


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