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ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Christy's Firing, Angle's Announcement,
Sting's Status, and A Few Other Tidbits 
December 21, 2005

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Turns out the Yankees didn't get Nomar.... but the managed to stick it to Boston even more deliciously, by plucking Jonny Damon directly away from the Red Sox.
  

If the Yankees had to overpay for a former Red Sox, I think they picked the right one. They actually filled a gaping void with the best-available option, whereas Nomar represented a B-grade option to fill a non-void in the Yankee line-up (provided Giambi can hit about .280 with 30 HR).

But an even more gratifying part of

the Yankees signing Johnny Damon is this: finally, undiscerning girls the nation over will have to shut their traps about how dreamy he is.

Look, I think of myself as just about as comfortable and secure as my gender can get in terms of acknowledging deserved male desirability... granted, the limitations of the gender mean that's not VERY comfortable or secure, but I figure I do OK. But for the past 3 years or so, I swear I was the only person in America who remembered Johnny Damon's years playing in Oakland, where lax personal grooming habits were not encouraged as they were in Boston; because I just could not fathom how Johnny Damon had become one of the sports world's pre-eminent panty moisteners.

But now, we await Pretty Johnny undergoing the standard Yankee Make-Over before signing his contract. You might have loved the hair and the beard and his vaguely-cute free-spirited-retard act... but once you get a look at Corporate Johnny Damon, that's all gonna be gone. Granted, he won't be quite the eye-sore that Corporate Randy Johnson was once Randy was forced to lose the mullet and facial hair.... but once the Yankees shave their newest monkey down, he'll be nothing but an off-puttingly-Mongoloid looking guy of self-admitted sub-normal intelligence. In short: he'll look like a Downs' Syndrome patient dressed up in pinstripes.

Which doesn't bother me a lick. So long as the guy scores 150 or more runs a year, he'll be making me happy. Getting to tease countless chicks about their suddenly-waning attraction to Johnny Damon? That's really nothing but gravy.

Especially seeing as how most of them had weeks of fun at my expense approximately 14 months ago, even though not a one of them really knew anything about baseball other than the fact that Johnny Damon was smoking hot. Ha ha. Joke's on them! Now he's playing for the Evil Empire AND he's butt-ugly! 

Well, actually, my entire point is that he was *always* butt-ugly, and shame on you Ladies of America for being so easily distracted by the hair. Let's just say you did not see the discriminating and discerning The Rick having to retire a well-publicized Grown Man Crush when the object of his erection suffered an unfortunate haircut at WrestleMania 20! 

And I could probably take this pre-ramble on entire other tangents, and part of me thinks it would be quite fun... but I'm really only rambling because this holiday season, it's a sparse collection of mid-week news items that awaits us. And I've been struck by Inspirado! Instead of sitting here busting my ass to try to pad this out to a respectable 40KB, why not just get it over with, instead?

Yeah. Long live Half-Assery!  

  • There's really no point doing a standard RAW analysis thingie here at the top, like we usually do on Wednesday. Simply put, Monday's show wasn't really designed for us. It was designed for the troops in Afghanistan who probably don't have a whole lot to put smiles on their faces here during the holidays.
     
    And in that regard, from what we saw it certainly looked like WWE succeeded.
     
    It's the third time WWE has done this, and it's the third time I basically have to bust out the notion that it wasn't necessarily "good" in the sense that we're used to.... but it was very unique, and a chance to see an out-of-character side to a lot of the RAW performers.
     
    WWE's other, more-oblique, purpose with the show was to "honor the troops" by telling their stories to American TV viewers. That part is maybe a noble idea, maybe not, I really don't know. I tend to think that what our troops want and need out of those of us back here is less lip service, and more equipment, resources, and competent leadership. But that's just me. I was also bothered by the all-encompassing vibe that WWE was less honoring the troops at times and more honoring themselves for honoring the troops. And I'm just not a fan of WWE in "PR Mode" at any time (whether it's patting themselves on the back for actually selling tickets on overseas tours or going to great lengths to paint themselves as selfless heroes for going to Afghanistan).
     
    But putting motive aside, all that really matters is the end product. And that was -- by all appearances -- an extremely entertaining diversion for our troops over the course of 3 days or so. That's tons more important than how the tour played as a 2-hour TV show back here in the States.
     
    But for those who are interested in the nuts and bolts, I still did a recap of the show -- and much to my own surprise, still found more than a few openings for jokes, tangents, and general snarkage. So you can check out the OO RAW Recap; it's not QUITE up to usual snuff (due to the nature of the show), but I can endorse it without reservation as still being an amusing read.
     
  • Just about the only thing that took place on Monday that has an impact or influence on the storyline side of things is actually something that didn't even take place on Monday's show.... it was an ad bumper for NEXT week's show.
     
    In short: the promise was made that next week's RAW is a show that "can't be missed" because Kurt Angle is going to make a shocking major announcement.
     
    Oh, lord. From the company that thought Tim White's "suicide" was a reasonable and sane idea for a pro wrestling storyline, and given how far WWE has already asked Kurt to go down the road of Character Suicide (in terms of behaving stupidly and against not just his own on-screen personality, but also in violation of any normal human being), I just cannot see any good outcome here.
     
    It really does seem like WWE is intent on more "Addition by Subtraction." So concerned about Angle getting cheered over Cena is WWE that they'll do anything to chop out all relatable and compelling aspects of Angle's persona in order to make him an easily dismissible and uninteresting one-dimensional caricature of Evil.
     
    To me, that could not be a more stupid plan of attack. To me, you leave Angle as he is: a capable, ass-kicking, real life bad guy that you actually believe can exist in the real world, and thus, that you can actually care about. And then you put your attention into fixing John Cena, because his character is the one that's broken. But what do I know?
     
    All I'm really hoping for is that WWE doesn't do something so retarded with Angle next Monday that I couldn't start UNdoing it the following week, should I decide to go through will a full-fledged "prove-I'm-better-than-an-entire-staff-of-writer-monkeys" Fantasy OO Universe. Cuz I made it through Armageddon without anything happening that would screw up my plans too badly, and now I just need to survive one more week without drastic shake-ups to have my plans hold up as extremely entertaining AND imminently-do-able.
     
    But if they fucking have Angle go out and declare his allegiance of Osama, or something, I don't even know how I'd go about undoing that without just resorting to "it was all a dream." Or something. Needless to say, I am VERY concerned. Equally as much for us fans who are still subjecting ourselves to Real World WWE as I am for the viability of my Fantasy Plans....
     
  • Speaking of which, you want another teaser, just to prove that I'm not going down some redonkulous Fantasy Booking Path, and am trying to stay relatively true to things WWE really could and would do?
     
    I have just two words for you: The Wangs.
     
    Oh yes. In my Universe, within the first 6 weeks of 2006, SD! would be invaded by a pair of masked brothers from China. Just as the Dicks come to the aid of MNM, the Wangs would mysteriously appear to further the agendas of Paul London and Spanky Kendrick. They would squirt soy sauce in the eyes of their opponents. And I haven't decided yet, but their names MIGHT be Super Wang and Giant Wang.
     
    Admit it. You want to see that as much as you want to see my Fantasy WM22 studded with **** workrate classics!
     
    OK, maybe not. But it's a long 3 months till WM22, and if this is what it takes to underscore how dumb "The Dicks" are and to have some fun with that, then that's what I'll do...
     
  • WWE.com has reported that Ted DiBiase collapsed at WWE HQ yesterday (Tuesday), and was scheduled to be held overnight for observation at a local hospital.
     
    I have no further information about the exact cause of DiBiase's collapse, but as of this writing, I can confirm that he's been released from the hospital with a clean bill of health. So it sounds like everything's OK for the one-time Million Dollar Man turned Road Agent.
     
  • Not so lucky is Tough Enough Matt (a/k/a "the guy that got beat up by Bob Holly")... when being treated for a concussion after a recent OVW show, doctors found a brain tumor. Further tests are needed before the nature of the tumor is known, so keep your fingers crossed for Matt. Despite a slew of untimely injuries, he's become a huge player in OVW, especially since the arrival of Paul Heyman as booker.
     
  • Christy Hemme has revealed exactly why she was fired by WWE... well, she's revealed exactly what she was told about why she got fired, but it's such an asinine explanation that I can't help but keep wondering.
     
    Anyway, Spaz wrote on her website that she was abruptly released with no advance warning, and was told that it was simply a budget cut. Nothing personal, WWE just needed to save a few bucks. Huh.
     
    And this just 2 months after Spaz had signed a new contract (at a significantly-reduced level of pay versus her bloated Diva Search 2005 contract), and had willingly relocated to OVW where she wanted to not only continue working on her increasingly-passable ring-work, but also develop a character hook.
     
    I know I rode Spaz as hard as anyone -- and rode the idiots who over-pushed her well before she was ready -- but I also was willing to grant the recent improvements, and considered them a glimpse into Christy's now-seemingly-attainable "upside." That she had re-signed on the (relatively) cheap and accepted assignment to OVW with a smile makes her seem like a model employee, not a disposable body.
     
    Adding to my confusion: normally when WWE makes it's "budget cuts," they do it with a swarm of releases. And yet: Spaz was singled out and released all by her lonesome. Odd.
     
    And so it is that the girl with the actual personality and the improving in-ring work ethic is gone, yet Candice Michelle still has a job.
     
    Let's make this Lesson Of The Day #2 for all the ladies out there... I've already helped you see the error of your Johnny Damon-lusting ways, but now let me point out that should you ever (EVER~!) sign a WWE contract, don't agree to appear in Playboy. Cuz the only reason I'm coming up with for why you'd keep Boobies McTitsalot around and fire Spaz is because one had already been pimped out to Hef, and the other was still gonna make the Fed a nice chunk of change. 
     
    Think about it: since 2001, how many WWE women have been in Playboy? Five. And how many of them still have jobs? One: Torrie Wilson. And by some accounts, she only just barely has one. So I guess if there's an upside to all this, it's that Candice Michelle will be done wasting precious air time on RAW no later than the winter of 2006? Yay?
     
  • WWE has yet to address the Tim White situation (remember, my stance on Monday was that they'd be forced to back-peddle from "suicide" to "attempted-by-failed suicide" just to come into line with their own published content guidelines)... but the website for White's bar has addressed the situation, trying to deflect criticisms away from Tim White himself.
     
    The "he was just doing what he was told to" defense is in full effect. Also, in an attempt to reduce WWE's liability in all this, word is being circulated that the creative team wants people to know they thought of this idea before Eddie Guerrero died.
     
    Whhhaaaaaaaa?
     
    What's one got to do with the other? I don't care when you thought of it, dum dums. Because all that really matters is that you thought of a fucking retarded idea, and somebody should have put the kibosh on it before it made it to air.
     
  • Although I don't think it's a matter of taste or appropriateness or anything, I will pass along that the UK broadcast of Armageddon axed out the Tim White crap for those reasons.
     
    Screw that... it should have been censored for stupidity.
     
  • Several readers have passed along a tidbit that Vice President Cheney is currently visiting troops in Afghanistan... and in his opening remarks to the men and women, had a Witty Rejoinder about being sorry he wasn't there a few weeks sooner, because he keeps hearing about how he missed out on meeting Vince McMahon and the Big Show right here at Baghram Air Base.
     
    I got a few responses to that.... (1) more proof positive that WWE did a lot of good over in Kabul if the troops are still talking about the visit. (2) Good lord do I ever dread RAW on Monday if WWE gets a hold of that videoclip, because we won't hear the end of it. And (3) it looks like Cheney has been studying Mick Foley tapes for help on how to ingratiate oneself to a live audience.
     
  • TNA's rating over the weekend was a 0.7, down a tick from the week before. This is the second time in a row that Impact's ratings have suffered slightly following an "off-week" from the usual Saturday night slot. It's kind of odd, since you'd think that the greater exposure of the primetime Thursday slot would generate more interest....
     
    But instead, when TNA leaves it's Saturday late night home, it seems like their first night back in their usual slot drops a few viewers. As if whatever audience is home on Saturday night "forgot about" TNA. Don't know if that's a plausible interpretation or not, since we only have 2 incidents to go on, but if this trend continues to repeat if TNA gets prime times specials, that'll be kind of interesting.
     

     
  • Although my understanding was that Sting would not appear in a TNA ring until the January 16 PPV, there's now word that he will be flown in for the January 3 TV tapings...
     
    This could mean any number of things. It could mean the plan has changed and that Sting will appear in the flesh on Impact. It could mean they just want to tape some fresh material to use as Video Screen Fodder (since clip-art scorpions will get old pretty fast). Or it could just mean he's coming in to meet and talk with TNA folks about their plans going forward.
     
    At this point, I just don't know. 
     
    But I know my feelings on the subject are pretty solid: this is the inverse of the Christian debut from 2 months ago. This time around, TNA has already shown their hand and is going to use 5 full weeks to build up the arrival of Sting. They should NOT spoil the "moment" of that arrival by having him show up to make some tepid cameo appearance on Impact. [Whereas with Christian, TNA played it so tight to the vest that they could have really jolted some fans with a quick cameo by Christian on the last Impact before the PPV, and drawn some casual-interest-buys that way.]
     
    To me, it just feels like things are set up so that Sting should not appear in the flesh until the PPV. Now, some ominous promos or something pre-taped like that? That's probably OK.
     
  • Something a few more-TNA-attuned readers have pointed out... in this feud of TNA mainstays versus recent invaders, Sting almost fits in better with the TNA mainstays. 
     
    Although Sting's most memorable affiliation is with WCW, which would make him a logical addition to the WWE/ECW invasion force, the simple fact is that insofar as Sting has done anything in wrestling the past 5 years, it's been as a part time bit player in TNA.
     
    And that got me thinking: cuz I'm still not totally sure how TNA's fanbase is going to react to Sting. They really are, by and large, a bunch of clueless tossers, and I could see them deciding to crap all over Sting just because he's old and he came from outside. And yet, the same tossers will invent reasons to cheer Lance Hoyt. Morons. If small existing core of TNA fans were to turn on Sting, then the question becomes whether or not Sting can draw in enough normal/casual wrestling fans to still keep him a strong babyface...
     
    And if he can't, what might the possibilities be for turning things upside down by having Sting turn heel, possibly even in his first match back in TNA? He'd only be joining the TNA mainstays with whom he's been working, off-and-on, for 3-plus years. It could almost make sense. ALMOST.
     
    I'm not saying it will happen or that it should. I'm just tossing it out there as an idea, since I'm still trying to gather information so I can figure out just how the fan reaction to Sting will work out....
     
  • And I think with that, I've just barely surpassed the 40KB mark (of body-text, anyway; I have no idea what the final page-size ends up being with all the graphics and ads and stuff), which is pretty much the line that separates a shitty half-assed column from a fairly respectable half-assed column.
     
    I'm not entirely sure if I'll talk at you again before the holidays... pickings are slim since the wrestling world's basically on hold until Monday. Throw in the fact that the parade of returning friends and families has already begun (and already started putting a dent in my spare time), and I might not have the material OR the motivation to do a Friday column.
     
    But then again, you also never know when something feature-y or OOpinion-y might occur to me as something I can throw up on the main page over the holiday weekend.
     
    Just to cover my bases, I'll wish everybody out there Happy Holidays. Or, to placate the religious fundamentalist retards, I'll also echo the words of one Mr. Jon Stewart, who (despite being a filthy no-good Jew) finally realized the TRUE reason for the season and wished everybody a Christily Good Jesusy Christ Christ. Then again, he's the same guy who told Bill O'Reilly to go celebrate Christmas at "Osama bin Hitler's Homo, Abortion, Pot, and Commie Jizzporium," so maybe he wasn't being totally sincere?

    Or, OK, OK.. to be serious for a moment: I don't care what your flavor is, just have yourselves some good times doing whatever it is you choose to do at this time of year with your friends and family. Hit the church or hit the egg nog, whatever you like; just have some fun, and be excellent to each other. I don't think anybody would argue with that as a perfectly good Reason For The Season..

    PS: I know I've been nice this year. And you all know what I want for Christmas. Just sayin' is all...
     
    See you when I see you, folks....  


  
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E-MAIL RICK SCAIA

BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

 

 

 


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