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FOOniverse: Introduction and Spoilers 
January 2, 2006

by The Rick
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to what may well end up being 13 weeks of more fun than you'll have actually watching WWE TV shows.

Or which might, in the end, turn out to be a purely masturbatory act on my part, one which suffers the same pitfalls and narrow-mindedness that the current WWE product does. It's

sort of hard to say... but what I do know is that if there be pitfalls and narrow-mindedness, at least they will be MY pitfalls and narrow-mindedness, and so I'll consider that a step in the right direction.

Consider this my attempt to prove that it is possible to conceive of a WWE product that (a) does not deviate substantially from the "sports entertainment" vision WWE aspires to, (b) does not require a non-stop onslaught of stunt casting and guest stars, (c) does not alienate a single existing fan of the current product, but which (d) does a whole hell of a lot better job of being sustainably entertaining leading up to a climactic PPV than what WWE's been serving up for much of the past 20 months.

It's a "Fantasy" Universe in name only... but for the most part, it strives to be a feasible, do-able vision for the WWE Road to WrestleMania 22. Bret Hart need not wrestle a match. Steve Austin and the Rock need not find themselves back in the WWE Title picture. Yes, there will be guest spots, and surprises, but by and large, they are limited to a realistic "side-show" role in the Fantasy Universe. I think of it this way: yes, I'm going to pursue a pair of kind of wacky, off-the-wall storylines which would require a lot of risk and money and stuff to pull off and which MIGHT be a bit outside of WWE's realistic sphere of influence.... but those two storylines will be so insulated that you could take them both away, and you'd still have a HIGHLY marketable 10-match WrestleMania card built firmly on the week-in and week-out stars who do all the dirty work on RAW and SD!.

So: I'm not allowing myself any ridiculous "free agent signings." Guys who still have an affiliation with WWE (your Hogans and Austins and Rocks and Foleys) I figure are fair game for appearances, but I'm not allowing myself to bring in Brock Lesnar or Goldberg as full time wrestlers. I won't even let myself re-hire Molly Holly to hang around in tight jeans and repeatedly insist on taking me out for drinks in exchange for reminding her how much fun wrestling can still be when it's not an army of Hollywood Writer Monkeys in charge.

I'm not allowing myself to totally re-order the WWE Rosters so as to push only the guys I like and then completely bury any top level star I don't like. I am not granting myself the Johnny Ace power to fire Chris F. Masters. I am, instead, granting myself the Paul Heyman power to try to reduce exposing weaknesses and only focus on the positives. If that so happens to mean CFM is on a one-way train to being Dumb Muscle for Carlito, well, so be it. It's the only way he'll learn.

I'm forcing myself to match-up to WWE's general TV formats, including being cognizant of having the right amount of material for each show. On RAW, that means 11 segments with 10 ad-breaks, totaling a little over 90 minutes of content. On SD!, I believe it's 10 segments, 9 ad-breaks, and a little under 90 minutes of content. Authenticity, right down to pacing, is key. [Although, please note that I might scrimp on the Exact Dialogue, almost as much as I will scrimp on match play-by-play; this is by design. WWE's TV shows have become over-written, and they need to get back to more spontaneous dialogue based on a General Idea, instead of just reading stilted/prepared lines. So even if I really WERE writing these shows, I'd move just give notes and trust the performers -- who should understand their characters and be able to fully inhabit their roles -- to flesh things out, to make them seem genuine, and to get them over with the audience. And if the performers aren't capable of doing that? Well, maybe they don't belong on TV to begin with; performers who don't crave and embrace the creative freedom to have that level of input into their own characters might be part of the reason why WWE lately feels its so necessary to hide them behind the army of Writer Monkeys.]

Anyway, if you catch me somehow getting away from a show that sounds/reads-like it's authentic, by all means let me know. I figure for at least the first few weeks, this won't be a problem. Fucking Writer Monkeys really threw a few wrenches into the works for me last week, and in order to create a seamless, non-jarring transition into my stories, it'll probably take until the Fantasy Royal Rumble before I'm totally off on my own, doing the Good Stuff I envisioned originally.

And I guess the last thing for me to include here is my vision for WrestleMania 22... my whole stance is that this is an exercise WWE should have had done a month ago: knowing their WM22 line-up and then trying to come up with the Best Possible Reverse Engineering to get there. Instead, one gets the honest impression that the WM22 plans have yet to solidify. To prove that it *is* possible to think further ahead than 2 weeks, to prove that it is possible to see the connections and to grasp the big picture so as to create a truly epic, climactic PPV, I figure the only way to do this is to go ahead and reveal my line-up ahead of time, so you can't accuse me of making it up as I go along (like WWE seems to do).

I might make a few minor modifications, but by and large, I know my New Year's Revolution ends, I know how the Royal Rumble ends, I know how No Way Out ends, I know who wins the Rumble and which title he decides to fight for and why (and how long it takes him to decide), and I know how that should all build up to a very compelling WM22 main event. I've already done the mental gymnastics over the past week and come up with the ways to un-do some of the stuff WWE put into the mix last week (like Mark Henry, and the unnecessary Vince/Shawn storyline), and I think I can still get to where *I* wanted to go in pretty seamless fashion. So I can't see much of this line-up changing.

If I'm stalling a bit here, it's because I hope I can stop some (if not most) of you from "spoiling" things... I'll put the WM22 line-up here as a show of good faith, but I'm also concerned that by reading the matches, you'll be sucking some of the fun out of the 13-week journey to get to the matches. Do as your conscience dictates. I'll add a few inches of blank "spoiler space" as a precaution, and the WM22 line-up will be at the bottom of the page...









FOOniverse WrestleMania 22 Weekend
March 31 - April 2, 2006 / Chicago, IL

Friday, March 31
Fozzy vs. Tenacious D ROCK-OFF

The culmination of weeks of posturing and rocking-out on RAW, Chris Jericho and Fozzy join forces with Jack Black and Tenacious D for one cataclysmic Rock-Off! The loser of the Rock-Off must pay homage to the winner on Sunday's WM22 PPV, and crown the winner as the one true King of Rock 'n' Roll. Broadcast live from Chicago's historic Metro Theatre, at 11pm, on USA Network.

Saturday, April 1
2006 WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies

A collection of past legends are honored by today's superstars and by the fans. I figure you can look for Bret Hart, the Legion of Doom, and maybe Chicago's own Mr. T to be among the inductees. Broadcast live from some hotel ballroom, from 10pm to midnight, on USA Network.

Sunday, April 2
WrestleMania 22

The finest in RAW, SD!, and special cross-promotional matches. Literally 3 months in the making, it's a four-hour PPV spectacular kicking off at 8pm! The full line-up:

SD! presents... World Title Match
Batista (champ) vs. Rey Mysterio

RAW presents... WWE Title Match
John Cena (champ) vs. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

RAW and SD! present... a Special Low-Impact Wacky-Ass Sports Entertainment Segment
Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin vs. The Rock and Mick Foley
Guest Referee: Mr. T
Guest Commentator: Jim Ross
Guest Ring Announcer: Ken Kennedy
Guest Time Keeper: Terry Funk

RAW presents... Ladder Match for the IC Title
Carlito Cool (champ, w/ Chris F. Masters) vs. Rob Van Dam

SD! presents... US Title Match
Chris Benoit (champ) vs. Randy Orton (w/ Bob Orton) vs. Shooter Albright

RAW and SD! present... RAW vs. SD! Tag Match (Winning Brand Wins Veto Power in Upcoming Draft Lottery)
Big Show/Kane  (w/ GM Shane McMahon) vs. JBL/Booker T (w/ GM Teddy Long)

RAW presents... World Tag Title Match
Kurt Angle/Daivari (champs) vs. Shawn Michaels/Shelton Benjamin

SD! presents... 3-on-1 Handicap Match Boiler Room Brawl (Only Way to Win is to Escape the Boiler Room, Make it to the Ring, and Grab the Magical Gold Urn)
Undertaker vs. Boogeyman/Goldust/Palmer Cannon

RAW presents... Women's Title Match (Last Woman Standing Rules)
Mickie James (champ) vs. Trish Stratus

SD! presents... WWE Tag Title Gauntlet-Style Elimination Match
Paul London/Spanky Kendrick (champs) vs. MNM vs. Regal/Birchall vs. the Mexicools vs. the Dicks vs. the Wangs

RAW presents... OMG GRUDGE MATCH~!
Ric Flair vs. Edge (w/ Lita)

RAW and SD! present... OMG bOObies~! (Bra and Panties Reverse Battle Royale; only way to be eliminated is to be stripped down and then thrown INTO a conveniently located Swimming Pool)
Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria vs. Maria vs. Stacy Keibler vs. Jillian Hall vs. Melina vs. Kristal vs. Any Other Useless Divas I'm Forgetting 

All that plus: appearances by Fozzy and Tenacious D, as only one band will be crowned as the Greatest And Best Band In The World... appearances by Hall of Fame legends... and the proverbial much, much more. Including Pete Rose. I don't know how or why, but he'll be there. Trust me.... oh, and I'm sure you can pencil in a Cruiserweight Match and/or a Cross-Brand Battle Royale for a pre-PPV Heat, too. It's almost too much entertainment for one night to handle, and it'll all be coming your way on Friday, March 31, as OO gets a 2 day jump on WWE's own pathetic attempt at WM22! Stay tuned!

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PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
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RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28



Rick Scaia is a long-time wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  The FOOniverse shall prove, once and for all, that *that* is more important to understanding good wrestling than graduating from some joke of a "film school" or contributing to some shitty sitcom.




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