Emanating from the Scope in Norfolk, VA

Your commentators are Michael Cole and Tazz

- Torrie Wilson comes out in skimpy red, white, and blue outfits to welcome us to the show. She’s going to have to wear a whole lot less if she’s going to get me to enjoy this show.

Fatal Four Way Match for the United States Championship: John Cena (champ) vs. Booker T vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree
 

Inside, Dupree suplexes Cena and gets a 1 count. A knee by Dupree puts Cena down for another nearfall. With the elimination rules, Booker is just staying on the outside watching Dupree taking it to Cena. Cena hits Dupree with an atomic drop, but when he charges, Dupree pulls down the top rope and causes Cena to fall to the floor. Booker throws RVD into the ring for Dupree to attack. Dupree misses a charge and then RVD kicks him in the head. RVD hits Dupree with the split-legged moonsault and gets 2. Rolling Thunder gives RVD another nearfall. RVD grabs Dupree and monkey flips him out of the ring. As Cena starts to grab Dupree, RVD flips over the top rope and lands on both of them. RVD brings Cena back in and gets a few nearfall attempts on him. RVD rolls outside and throws Booker into the ring. Cena quickly grabs him and rolls him up for 2.
 
Now Cena goes outside and throws Dupree back in so he can fight Booker. Dupree slams Booker and then does the French Tickler. Booker recovers and catches Dupree with a spinebuster. RVD goes up and hits Dupree with the five star frog splash. Cena goes up top, but RVD shoves him down. RVD goes up again hits Booker with the frog splash. Cena runs in and rolls up the hurting RVD for 3. That takes a lot of energy out of the crowd. Booker blindsides Cena with a clothesline. Now the heels work together to beat down Cena. When Dupree covers Cena, Booker gets upset and says that’s his cover. Dupree rolls up Booker for 2 and then they start shoving each other.
 
The bickering allows Cena to recover and he goes on the attack. Cena nails Booker with the Throwback and then nails Dupree with a weak looking FU. Booker delivers a scissors kick to Cena and then covers Dupree for 3. Booker goes for several pinfall attempts on Cena, but can’t keep him down. A slugfest is quickly ended with an elbow by Booker. Booker then puts Cena in a chinlock. Cena fights out of it and slugs away on Booker. After knocking Booker down, Cena connects with the five knuckle shuffle. Cena pumps it up, but Booker catches him with a kick to the midsection. Another kick drops Cena, but when Booker goes for the scissors kick, Cena moves out of the way. Cena then quickly hits the FU and pins Booker for the win.

Bottom Line: The match had this weird quality where in some aspects wrestlers were smarter than they typically are and in other cases, dumber. Early on, you had guys taking breathers because of the eliminations rules. Now while that’s smart, it doesn’t make for compelling action. The match suffered from the same problems that most triple threats have of only having two guys fight in the ring while the other(s) rest on the floor. Once it came down to the two heels and Cena though, things got real dumb. Why should Booker care who pins Cena? Those two should have done everything in their power to defeat him in order to ensure he didn’t win. I know I shouldn’t apply this much logic to wrestling matches, but I can’t help myself. For four guys being out there, there sure didn’t feel like a whole lot of action going on in that ring, which is not a good thing, especially for an opener. **

- Backstage, Cena is congratulated by Charlie Haas and Jackie. Cena walks over and hits on Jackie, right in front of Charlie. That guy’s got some nerve. After Cena leaves, Angle approaches Haas and berates him for falling so far from his Team Angle days. Can’t argue with him there. Angle then informs him that he’s got a new protégé now in the form of Luther Reigns, who he promised a match tonight. So wouldn’t you know it, he’s making Hass fight Reigns and it’s NEXT. Boy, good thing Charlie is already in wrestling gear despite not being booked for a match until now.

Sable is hanging out in a hot tub and tries to act sexy. I’m guessing she wishes it was a hot tub time machine that would take her back to 1998. Since no one else will, she interviews herself to remind us that she’s got a match tonight with Torrie Wilson and guarantees a win. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. They’ve fought each other so many times, she’s bound to know every one of Torrie’s moves by now.

Charlie Haas vs. Luther Reigns

Reigns wheels out Angle to ringside to watch this match. Haas tries to mat wrestle Reigns, but he’s too big for him to takedown. Reigns knees Haas and then beats him down in the corner. Haas catches Reigns with a quick rollup for 2. Reigns recovers and sets Haas down with a big boot. Reigns gives Haas some rough turnbuckle treatment. A backbreaker by Reigns gets 2. Cole calls Reigns methodical, which we all know is code for slow and plodding. Haas tries to comeback with a pair of dropkicks. However, Reigns is able to stop the momentum and throw him to the floor. Outside, Reigns rams Haas into the post. A gorilla press slam by Reigns gets a 2 count. Reigns wears Haas down with a half crab. Jackie’s hands are getting raw from clapping so much trying to get this crowd to care about this match. Haas tries to mount a comeback, but Reigns drops him with a clothesline. Reigns misses a charge and Haas hits him with a t-bone suplex. That gets 2. Haas connects with a German suplex and gets another nearfall. Haas charges at Reigns, but misses and rams into the shoulder. Reigns grabs Haas and hits him with that Roll of the Dice swinging neckbreaker. That easily keeps Haas down for 3.

BL: Unnecessary filler here. Why not just give the fatal four way some more time? It’s not like Reigns is brand new and needs a squash match to introduce himself to the crowd. Haas did his best to bump around and make Reigns look good, but no one was into Reigns’ ‘methodical’ style. ½ *

- JBL chats with us about his past guarantees that have come true. He then guarantees that he’ll become champion tonight. I think we’d all prefer if he had guaranteed us the rest of the show would be good.

Cruiserweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (champ) vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo won a 10-man battle royal to win this title shot. Glad to see they decided to give us a fresh matchup in this division. Chavo jaws at Rey to begin. The two then engage in some mat wrestling with both men getting a couple nearfalls. Now both men attempt to work on the other’s arm. Chavo tries to wear down Rey by clubbing him across the back on the neck. Rey recovers and goes back to work on Chavo’s arm. Rey wraps Chavo’s arm around the top rope and then dropkicks him in that arm. Chavo blocks a hurricanrana attempt and dumps Rey to the apron. Rey tries to hop back in, but Chavo springs off the ropes and dropkicks him to the floor. Chavo brings Rey back in and goes after his injured knee. Chavo tries to hop on Rey’s leg, but Rey shoves him over the top rope with his other leg. Chavo quickly recovers and wraps Rey’s knee around the post. Chavo locks Rey in a half crab and Rey fights out of it by booting Chavo with his free leg. Rey connects with a bulldog and now both men are down. Chavo tries to whip Rey, but Rey’s knee gives out and he collapses to the mat. Chavo dropkicks Rey to the apron and then suplexes him back in. That combo gets 2.
 
Everytime Rey tries to stand, Chavo kicks his leg out from under him. Chavo now puts him in another submission hold by wrapping Rey’s leg around his neck. He then picks up Rey, but Rey spins out of the hold. The two slug it out until Chavo rams him back into the corner. Chavo charges, but Rey boots him with his good leg. Rey then connects with a hurricanrana. Rey hops over Chavo, but hurts his knee again when he lands. Chavo puts Rey in a tree of woe and chokes him. However, when Chavo tries to charge, Rey sits up and Chavo ends up ramming into the post. Rey then leaps off the top rope and lands on him. Both men go up top and fight until Rey yanks Chavo down face first. Both men go for pinfall attempts but can’t keep the other man down. Chavo monkey flips Rey, but he lands on the second rope and then jumps off and hits him with a dropkick. Rey delivers a springboard bodypress and then a Russian legsweep. That combo gets him a nearfall. Rey jumps off the top rope and sits on Chavo for another 2 count. Chavo catches Rey coming off the ropes and delivers a Gory bomb. Chavo covers and gets 2 ¾. Rey nails Chavo with an enziguri and then hits the 619. Rey jumps off the top rope again, but Chavo catches him and puts him back in the half crab. Rey reaches for the ropes, but Chavo pulls him back. Rey crawls again and this time gets the bottom rope. Chavo goes for another Gory bomb, but Rey manages to reverse it into a sunset flip and keeps him down for 3.

BL: I appreciate the psychology exhibited here in this match, but this is also the type of match where you wouldn’t expect to see a lot of mat wrestling and selling. For that reason, it was somewhat of a disappointment. You want to see these guys flying around and doing all sort of acrobatics, not armbars and half crabs. Things picked up nicely in the closing minutes and actually got the crowd excited for once. I would have liked to see Chavo rewarded with a win for the work he put in on Rey’s knee, but having Mysterio retain is probably the better way to go. An enjoyable, albeit unexpected match. *** ¼

Torrie is now hanging in the hot tub with Spike Dudley, Billy Kidman, and Funaki. The guys all argue over the fact that they could have beat Rey had they fought him tonight. Their bickering stops as soon as Torrie stands up and leaves. She tells them that she has to prepare for her match again Sable. I don’t know what’s more laughable, that statement or watching Billy Kidman ogle Torrie Wilson like he’s never seen her naked before.

Billy Gunn vs. Kenzo Suzuki

Oh man, I need to break out the booze for this match. Although, I don’t know if all the alcohol in the world could numb me from the pain of this match. The two being with an epic lockup. Kenzo backs Gunn to the corner, but then misses a chop. Kenzo knocks down Gunn, but then misses a knee. Gunn hits Kenzo with a fisherman suplex for 2. Gunn gets another nearfall after a swinging neckbreaker. Kenzo chops Gunn in the throat and then face palms him to the mat. After connecting with a kneedrop, Kenzo applies the ever deadly nervehold. The trademark hold of terrible workers worldwide. Kenzo goes for a knee to the midsection, but Gunn rolls him up for 2. Kenzo suplexes Gunn and then puts him in another resthold. A slugfest breaks out and is won by Gunn. Gunn whips Kenzo to the corner and then hits the Stinger splash. Kenzo avoids the Fameasser and then delivers a poor Shining Wizard. Gunn sets down Kenzo with a tilt-a-whirl slam. That gets 2. Kenzo manages to lowblow Gunn without the referee seeing it and then hits him with a reverse DDT into a backbreaker. That sloppy looking move is enough to give Kenzo the victory.

BL: Truly, truly awful. Let’s face it, Billy Gunn is no stellar worker, so already the match is at a handicap. But it was baffling to see again what a lousy moveset Kenzo had. I can’t believe the WWE actually thought this guy could be a potential main eventer at one point. Everything this guy did was sloppy and boring. This match had no redeeming qualities, please just skip over it if you’re watching it on DVD. -**

- Paul Heyman chats with Paul Bearer, who’s tied up in a chair. Heyman tells him that he’ll have no problem burying him in cement if the Undertaker won’t ‘do the right thing’. Heyman uses the phrase so much that I think Spike Lee should be owed some royalties. By the way, as terrible as that angle was, I did enjoy Heyman’s sinister acting. It makes me miss his presence all that much more.

Torrie Wilson vs. Sable

Shockingly, this match came to be as a result of Sable being jealous of Torrie Wilson. Well at least they gave the match a fresh set-up. Cole has the gall to argue that this Great American Bash is better than any of the previous ones because it has Sable and Torrie Wilson as opposed to Dean Malenko and Arn Anderson. Vintage idiocy by Cole! Torrie runs after Sable, who flees to the floor. Back inside, Torrie takes Sable down and rams her head repeatedly. Sable kicks Torrie in the corner and then connects with a snapmare. Sable whips Torrie, who comes back and delivers an ugly sunset flip for a nearfall. Sable hits a drop toe hold and then chokes her on the bottom rope. After a lengthy resthold by Sable, Torrie escapes and boots her. Torrie suplexes Sable and gets 2. Torrie chops away at Sable and she better be careful not to get any silicon on her hands. The women collide in the corner and fall to the mat. Sable appears to be knocked out, so the referee checks on her. Torrie just stands there stupidly and Sable, playing possum, rolls her up for 3, even though it was clear that Torrie’s shoulder wasn’t down.

BL: What began as just another lame outing from these two turned into an utter mess. You had that lengthy resthold which killed any crowd reaction that was still there. Then these two hit some real sloppy moves before finishing with that moronic ending. Somehow, this still wasn’t as bad as the Kenzo/Gunn match, but awful nonetheless. DUD

- Backstage, The Undertaker walks ominously. Oooh!

- Back at the hot tub, Dawn Marie talks with Rene Dupree about his loss. Dupree rants about that travesty and then begins to hit on her, asking if she wants to see his ‘French tickler’. Soon the FBI come in and Nunzio shows off his 15 inches, shoe that is. After an embarrassingly long time, Dawn figures out that Nunzio is implying that guys with big feet have big um, members. She leaves with Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli mocks Dupree’s shoe size. Of course, Tazz finds all of this hilarious. Me, not so much.

Hardcore Holly vs. Mordecai

This gem of a match came to be after these two were seen brawling backstage for unknown reasons last week on Smackdown. Holly gets right in Mordecai’s face and soon they’re slugging it out. Cole correctly says that this match will ‘not be pretty’. Holly ties up Mordecai in the ropes and pounds away on him. After being whipped to the ropes, Mordecai puts on the brakes and bails to the floor. Holly follows him out there, but Mordecai is the one who goes on the offensive. Back inside, Mordecai works over Holly’s back. Mordecai drops Holly with a boot to the side of the head. That gets 2. And now, not surprisingly, we hit the chinlock. Holly breaks free and drops Mordecai across the top rope, but when Mordecai bounced off, his head cracked into Holly’s. Holly boots Mordecai and then delivers a pair of clotheslines. A flying clothesline by Holly gets 2. Holly hits a reverse DDT and gets another nearfall. Mordecai comes back with a sit-out spinebuster and that gets a 2 count for him. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but Mordecai escapes and hits Holly with the Crucifix bomb and that easily gives him the win.

BL: And we hit the trifecta of suckage here. This one will narrowly avoid negative stars thanks to being brief, but not by much. Like Kenzo, they had high aspirations for Mordecai, but they clearly didn’t pan out because he just wasn’t very good in the ring. Then again, he wasn’t being given any favors having to work with Holly in there. Is it too much to ask for even a one star match? ¼ *

Texas Bullrope Match for the WWE Championship: Eddie Guerrero (champ) vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Since JBL technically won his match against Eddie at Judgment Day, he was granted a rematch and was allowed to name the stipulation for it, which is how we got here. They’ve put up fancy lights on the posts to indicate when either Eddie or JBL have touched one of the turnbuckles. If you don’t remember, the winner of the match will be the one who touches all four turnbuckles in succession. JBL misses a clothesline, so Eddie is able to dropkick him in the knee. Now Eddie chokes JBL with the rope. JBL boots Eddie and then beats him up in the corner. JBL whips Eddie to the ropes and then knocks him down. JBL hits two turnbuckles before Eddie stops his momentum. Eddie delivers a back body drop and then touches two turnbuckles. JBL pulls Eddie back and clotheslines him to stop that attempt.
 
Now JBL begins to whip Eddie with the rope. With the rope wrapped around Eddie’s neck, JBL picks him up by the rope to choke him. JBL then nails Eddie with the cowbell attached to the rope. He then hangs Eddie up in a tree of woe and chokes him with the rope. With Eddie still hung up, JBL begins to dismantle the Spanish announce table. JBL puts Eddie on one announce table and tries to powerbomb him, but Eddie escapes and trips him. Eddie hops off the announce table and nails JBL with the cowbell. Yanking on the rope, Eddie rams JBL repeatedly into the post. JBL reverses a whip and sends Eddie over the announce table. However, Eddie grabs a chair and blasts JBL in the head with it. Retribution for Judgment Day! JBL has been busted open by that.
 
Back in the ring, Eddie hits him with the chair again. Eddie touches three corners, but JBL hangs onto the bottom rope to prevent him from touching the last one. Eddie wraps the rope around JBL’s neck and goes for the turnbuckles again. He touches three before JBL drops down and clutches the ropes to prevent Eddie from winning. Out of nowhere, JBL hits Eddie with a big boot and then follows it up with a DDT. JBL goes and touches two turnbuckles. Eddie slides under JBL and crotches him with the rope. Eddie gets three corners before getting yanked down again by JBL. Eddie connects with the Three Amigos and then hits the frog splash. Eddie hits three turnbuckles again, but JBL falls to the outside to prevent Eddie from going any further.
 
Outside, Eddie rams JBL’s head into the steps. With both men on the apron, JBL nails Eddie with the cowbell. JBL then wraps the rope around Eddie’s neck and hurls him off the apron and onto the Spanish announce table, which doesn’t break. Ouch! JBL grabs Eddie and powerbombs him through the Spanish announce table, which does break this time. Back in the ring, JBL touches three turnbuckles and now it’s Eddie who hangs onto the bottom rope to prevent the match from ending. JBL nails Eddie with the cowbell and again hits three corners. Eddie gets into a tug of war with JBL and eventually pulls him in and delivers a lowblow. Eddie whips JBL repeatedly with the rope. Eddie touches a turnbuckle, but JBL does as well behind him. Both men touch three before JBL hits Eddie with the cowbell. JBL gets close to the fourth, but Eddie nails him with the rope. Eddie lunges forward, leaps over JBL and hits the fourth turnbuckle. Eddie wins…

BUT WAIT! Kurt Angle comes out and says that he has to do the right thing. He shows a replay which reveals that JBL’s back hit the fourth turnbuckle before Eddie’s did, therefore, the winner of the match and NEW WWE champion, John Bradshaw Layfield.

BL: When this match happened, I vividly remember texting my friend that JBL had won the title, as if it was a death notice. Such disappointment and disbelief that they would actually give him the title. Hindsight would show that while Bradshaw won’t go down as a great champion, his character was strong enough to make him a valid title holder. As for the match, the rope produced some difficulties at times in the fluidity of the action. Overall though, this was yet another entertaining brawl between these two. Credit Eddie Guerrero for making it possible for us to even consider JBL as a legitimate main eventer. The action here was a vast improvement over everything else we’ve seen tonight, but in the moment this left most feeling even worse than they did watching those previous three matches. *** ½

Concrete Crypt Match: The Undertaker vs. The Dudley Boyz

So try to follow along here. The Dudley Boyz and Paul Heyman decided to kidnap Paul Bearer. Heyman did this in order to get the Undertaker to follow him. Needless to say, Taker was hesitant to join him. In order to, I guess, motivate him, Heyman set up a match between the Dudleyz and Taker. In the match the Undertaker needs to ‘do the right thing’ or else, Heyman will bury Bearer in concrete. What ‘the right thing’ is was never made explicitly clear.
 
Before the match begins, Heyman gets on the mic and tells Taker to see what will happen if he doesn’t do the right thing. He then flips a lever which fills the crypt with concrete up to Bearer’s ankles. Bubba gets on the mic and tells him to do the right thing by lying down. Taker actually lies on the mat, but when Bubba straddles him, Taker grabs him by the throat. D-Von comes in and Taker grabs him too. Heyman yells at Taker that that’s not the right thing, which is enough of distraction for the Dudleyz to escape and attack him. Taker quickly recovers and beats up both of them on the outside.
 
In the ring, Taker attempts to do Old School on D-Von, but Heyman says he’s a bad dog and fills the crypt up to Bearer’s stomach. Bubba grabs Taker’s legs and crotches him on the post. The Dudleyz gets some pedestrian offense on Taker, but soon Taker comes back. He knocks them both down and then goes after Heyman. Heyman says if he takes one more steps, he’ll flip the switch. Taker stops and the Dudleyz attack him from behind. Despite that, Heyman says ‘that’s it’ and pulls the switch. The concrete reaches Bearer’s chin before Bubba comes over and flips the switch. He says they can finish Taker and once they do, then Heyman can do what he wants with Bearer. Back in the ring, the Dudleyz boringly double-team Taker. Finally, Taker begins to slug back and mount a comeback. Taker hits a big clothesline on D-Von and then gives him Snake Eyes and a big boot. Taker gives both Dudleyz some rough turnbuckle treatment and then connects with Old School on Bubba. Taker tries to Tombstone D-Von, but he escapes and lowblows him. The Dudleyz now deliver a tandem neckbreaker on him. Taker sits up though and gives Bubba a chokeslam. He then follows that up with a Tombstone on D-Von. Taker covers and gets the 3 count on him for the win.

Postmatch: Heyman says that since he didn’t do the right thing, he’ll have to. Heyman goes for the lever, but a magical lightning bolt streaks from the sky and hits the cement mixer. Taker walks over and does his pose by the mixer. Then he gets on the mic and says ‘Paul, I’m sorry. Rest in peace’. Taker then pulls the lever and the show ends with cement flowing over Bearer’s head.

BL: I sure hope you got from the recap here how stupid this whole thing was, because it was unbelievably ridiculous. There are so many logic gaps with everyone’s behavior that it makes your brain hurt trying to rationalize them. I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that they barely mentioned what Taker did in the weeks after this on Smackdown. Although the WWE did have to sheepishly announce on their website that Paul Bearer was still alive since there were some idiots out there that actually thought they had witnessed a murder. The American public scares me sometime. And while all of the crypt stuff was obviously ill-advised, let’s not ignore the fact that this match features the Undertaker easily handling and defeating the tag team champions. Ridiculous storyline or not, that never a good idea. The action here deserves about a *, but the extracurriculars deserve a -* which results in one DUD of a main event.

Final Thoughts: It’s easy to see why this is considered one of the worse PPVs ever. Let’s begin with the wretched middle hour that featured no match rating above ½ *. You also had JBL becoming a world champion, which seemed like one of the worse moves ever. Then you cap off the show with a fake murder being committed by one of your top faces. Unless you have some sick perversion or you’ve lost a bet, there’s no reason why you should ever watch this show. The world would be a better place if we all forgot that it ever took place. I bit the bullet for all of you and watched it again in order that none of you would ever have to suffer from it. This is one of the easiest recommendations to avoid I’ve ever made.

Next time, it doesn’t matter what happens, it’ll have to be better than what happened on this show.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.