by Adam Gutschmidt 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating from Madison Square Garden in New York City, NY

- Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “the Body” Ventura, decked out in a pink tuxedo.  Ahh, God bless the ‘80s.

- Mean Gene gets things started by singing the National Anthem.  You would think that with the efforts they made to get all these celebrities, they would get an actual singer to do this.  I won’t complain though as Gene makes it a nice moment by having the N.Y. crowd sing along with him.

Opening Match: Tito Santana vs. The Executioner

                They have these comical promos before all the matches where Gene interviews one guy and then immediately interviews his opponent.  They were so concerned about not breaking kayfabe back in this era, yet they thought it would be ok to have supposed bitter enemies standing in the same room waiting to be interviewed.  Anyways, to the match, criss-cross sequence begins and Santana ends it with a backdrop.  A dropkick by Santana sends the Executioner to the floor.  The Executioner draws Santana into the corner and then kicks him in the gut.  A few attempts at a figure four leglock are made by the Executioner but Santana avoids it.  The Executioner blocks a piledriver attempt and backdrops Santana.  Santana catches the Executioner on the top rope and tosses him off.  He goes for a big splash but the Executioner gets his knees up.  The executioner tries to work on Santana’s legs again but Santana dumps him to the outside.  Back inside, Santana hits the flying forearm.  Santana drags the Executioner to the middle of the ring, puts on the figure four leglock and that’s all she wrote for the Executioner.

Bottom Line: Usually a mysterious new wrestler who is undefeated would get the win here, but I guess the WWF didn’t have big plans for the Executioner.  He’s used here as a glorified jobber, which is fine as it is nice to have the face win the opener.  **

King Kong Bundy vs. S.D. Jones

                Promos and intros take longer than the match itself as Bundy avalanches Jones and pins him in 9 seconds.

BL: In case you didn’t get the message, Bundy is a MONSTER.  I guess S. D. stands for “swiftly defeated” tonight.  DUD

Matt Borne vs. Ricky Steamboat

                Lockup between the two leads to Steamboat chopping Borne as he was coming off the ropes.  Steamboat is in control until Borne catches him with a reverse atomic drop.  Borne whips Steamboat to the corner but gets caught as he follows it up.  Steamboat is excessively using a side headlock, which just screams excitement.  A belly-to-belly and a snap suplex allow Borne to get a 2 count on Steamboat.  Steamboat comes right back with a series of chops.  A swinging neckbreaker gets 2.  Going up top, Steamboat hits the flying bodypress and that gets a 3 count.

BL: Wow, there was nothing interesting about this match at all.  They just kinda went out there and did some moves that had no real meaning behind them.  A disappointing outing for Steamboat.  ¾ *

Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino

                Big stall to begin here.  Beefcake uses his *ahem* power to gain an early advantage.  Sammartino counteracts that with quickness.  A lot of mat work between the two in these early minutes.  Sporadically they show shots of each man’s respective manager (Bruno Sammartino and Luscious Johnny Valiant) in the corner of the screen.  Sammartino locks on a double toe hold but can’t get a submission out of Beefcake.  Beefcake comes back with a pair of bodyslams.  Sammartino reverses a whip and then backdrops Beefcake out of the corner.  That sadly has been the most action-packed sequence of the match thus far.  A suplex by Sammartino gets 2.  Beefcake headbutts Sammartino and then dumps him to the floor.  Valiant attacks Sammartino, which promps Bruno to come over and take action.  Soon the managers and the wrestlers are all brawling in the ring until the Sammartinos clean house.  Match is ruled a double disqualification.

BL: It’s sad when the biggest reaction of the match comes from the managers fighting.  It was a poor decision to make this a mat-based match as it seemed that the fans would have been happier with a brawl between the two.  *

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Greg Valentine (champ) vs. Junkyard Dog

                JYD gets a crazy huge pop for his entrance.  It’s all JYD early on as Valentine looks reluctant to fight him.  After Valentine misses a forearm, JYD hits him with the headbutts.  Valentine cheats on a test of strength to allow him to go on offense.  He begins to work on JYD’s leg to set him up for the figure four leglock.  A slugfest in the corner is won by JYD.  JYD nails Valentine with a big headbutt.  Jimmy Hart gets on the apron so JYD goes after him.  Valentine tries a sneak attack but JYD dodges it.  Valentine baits JYD into the corner and then pins him with his feet on the ropes.  Santana runs out to protest this and the referee believes him.  You mean that’s all it takes to get a referee to reverse his decision?  The referee restarts this match and counts Valentine out because he refused to get back into the ring.

BL: Another short match but the crowd was super into it and it added a nice chapter to the Valentine/Santana feud.  Too bad JYD couldn’t win the title though.  Just another example of “The Mahon” keeping the black man down.  ** ½

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo (champs) vs. The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff

                The Russian and the Iranian are the heels here.  Crazy, huh?  Rotundo is all over the Sheik to begin the match.  Now Windham gets tagged and gives the Sheik more of the same.  Windham gets caught in the heel corner but heel miscommunication allows him to escape.  Rotundo and Windham use quick tags to work over Volkoff’s arm.  Rotundo gets rammed head-first into the Sheik’s horned boot to slow him down.  An elbow by the Sheik gets 2 on Rotundo.  The managers jaw at each other as the Sheik locks an abdominal stretch on Rotundo.  Rotundo escapes so the Sheik tags Volkoff.  Volkoff can’t get to Rotundo quickly enough and Windham gets the hot tag.  After wailing away on Volkoff, Windham hits a bulldog and covers but the Sheik breaks it up.  Rotundo comes in but the referee quickly gets him to leave.  With the referee’s back turned, the Sheik blasts Windham with Freddie Blassie’s cane.  Volkoff covers and we have new champs.

BL: Given the foreign enemies vs. American boys premise, the cheap heat was at a boiling point.  But the flow of the match could have been better and the face-in-peril portion of the match was too short.  Let’s call it ** ¼

- Mean Gene tries to get a word with the Iron Sheik, Volkoff and Freddie Blassie about their controversial win.  Blassie says the win wasn’t controversial.  He pinned him right in the middle of the ring.  Can’t argue with that logic.

$15,000 Bodyslam Challenge: Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd

                If Andre slams Studd, he wins the money.  If Andre fails to slam Studd, Andre must retire.  Studd blindsides Andre and goes to work on him.  Andre chops back and then nails Studd with a headbutt, forcing Studd to take a breather.  Studd gets choked in the corner as the referee does nothing about it.  Studd attempts a bodyslam, but Andre doesn’t budge.  As Andre slaps a bearhug on Studd, the crowd starts a “slam” chant.  Studd tries to kick Andre, but Andre catches him.  Andre now begins kicking away on Studd’s knee.  With Studd hurting, Andre picks him up and slams him. 

Postmatch: Andre starts throwing the money into the crowd, but Heenan runs up, grabs the bag of money and heads to the back.

BL: You could say it was sound strategy to have Andre use restholds the entire match to wear down Studd before he slammed him, but that doesn’t make for compelling television.  I would have also liked to see a false slam or two before the real one, but I’ll cut them some slack.  * ½

- Mean Gene gets a celebratory interview with Andre.  You could tell by the smile on Andre’s face after his win he genuinely loved being in front of that crowd for this huge event.  That is always refreshing to see.

WWF Women’s Championship Match: Leilani Kai (champ) w/Fabulous Moolah vs. Wendi Richter w/Cyndi Lauper

                And at the 0:08 mark, the hair-pulling is unleashed.  Wasting no time today I see.  The ladies trade hammerlocks with Richter’s being more successful.  Kai continues to grab hair to gain an advantage.  As Kai tries to choke Richter, Richter counters with a legscissors.  Richter gets a couple of nearfalls.  Kai goes back on offense with a snapmare.  A missed charge by Kai gives Richter another nearfall.  Moolah chokes Richter while the referee yells at Kai, so Lauper comes over and breaks it up.  Richter gets Kai on her shoulders and then heaves her off.  She jumps on Kai but only gets 2.  Now it’s Kai, who catches Richter charging in the corner.  A backbreaker by Kai gets 2.  Kai goes up and nails Richter with a bodypress, but Richter rolls through it and gets the three count.  New champ!

BL: A tough one to call.  It’s your typical hair-pulling, snapmare women’s match.  But the infusion of rock and roll and a super hot crowd erase a lot of the negatives.  Still I can’t go higher than * on this one.

- Wendi and Cyndi share their celebration with Mean Gene.  It looks like Cyndi got hit in the mouth or else she’s laying the lipstick on a little too thick.

- It’s main event time so let’s roll out the celebrities:

       Starring:    Billy Martin as “The Ring Announcer”
                           Muhammad Ali as “The Referee”
                           and Liberace as “The Hot Oil Masseuse”

Main Event: Hulk Hogan (WWF Champ) and Mr. T w/Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff w/ Cowboy Bob Orton

                As the combatants jaw at each other, there is a janitor trying to sweep up trash off the apron.  Orndorff grabs the janitor’s broom and threatens to use it as a weapon.  Classic!  Piper and Mr. T have a staredown and then commence with a manly slap-off.  Piper has enough of that and kicks Mr. T in the gut.  Mr. T gets driven into the heel corner, which draws Hogan into the ring.  It’s CHAOS in the ring until Ali comes in and lays down the law.  Well, I guess he’s earned his paycheck now.  Piper says “F this” and has his team take a hike.  Ego gets the better of them though and they come back to fight.  Inside, Hogan takes it to Piper and Orndorff.  Mr. T gets tagged in and now it’s his turn to beat up the heels.  Hogan is back in and he boots Piper to the floor.  But just like that, Orndorff clotheslines Hogan to the outside.  Piper and Orndorff now smartly draw Mr. T into the ring continuously in order for the referee to send him back and allow them to double-team Hogan.  A kneelift by Piper gets 2 on Hogan.  Orndorff tries for a flying knee but misses.  Hogan manages to tag Mr. T.  Mr. T initially goes on the attack, but Piper blindsides him to slow him down.  Piper gets a front face lock on Mr. T, but he escapes and tags Hogan.  Orton tries to come in but Snuka cuts him off.  As Piper and Mr. T brawl, Orndorff holds Hogan for Orton.  Orton comes off the top rope, but accidentally nails Orndorff.  Hogan covers and gets the pinfall.

BL: Man this was a train wreck.  But it was the best train wreck I’ve seen, if that makes sense.  This was no mat classic and with non-workers like Mr. T and Ali involved it often deviated from the normal tag match formula.  It did though deliver on all levels by letting the fans see Mr. T and Piper go at it as well as having the faces win.  Truly a historic moment.  ***

Final thought: You can’t say anything negative about this show due to its impact on the industry.  If you put this show in a vacuum, there isn’t a whole lot here.  A lot of the matches aren’t very good and those that are were not fleshed out fully to make them classics.  But when you look at all this show did, you can’t deny how great it is.  From going to MSG, to using numerous camera techniques.  From adding celebrities to a wrestling show, to having it on closed circuit television.  This show was leaps and bounds ahead of anything else that was being produced at the time in the wrestling world.  And for that, this show will always be a must-see.

Next time, it’s triple the locations, triple the fun…

Until then, keep surviving inside the Squared Circle of Life.

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