by Adam Gutschmidt 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Before we begin, I’d like to thank everyone for their feedback.  Many of you told me about “Herb” and how he was a Burger King pitchman during that time.  He must have not been a very memorable one since I didn’t remember him and he was never mentioned in either “I Love the 80s” series. 

Also, Chuck from FL wrote me and gave me some extra info on Battle Royal participant Russ Francis, “Within a few years of this, Russ Francis made some appearances in the AWA on ESPN.  Apparently, he was a regular pro wrestler, when not playing football. I suspect that factored into him being one of the last 4; maybe the WWF wanted to get a long look at him to see if he was worthwhile signing as a regular.”  So now you know and knowing is half the battle!

Keep the feedback coming…

Squared Circle of Life Diatribe for WWF WrestleMania III

Emanating from the Pontiac Silverdome in Detroit, Michigan

Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “the Body” Ventura plus guests

- Vince McMahon kicks things off by introducing Aretha Franklin, who sings “America the Beautiful”.  Man, the Star Spangled Banner gets the shaft again this year.

Opening Match: The Can-Am Connection vs. Magnificent Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton

Muraco uses his power to shove Martel around early on.  Can-Am Connection use some nice double team moves to frustrate the heels.  Muraco and Orton try to do a double team maneuver on Zenk, but it backfires and Muraco nails Orton.   The CAC begin to work on Orton’s arm.  Muraco in now and he whips Martel to the ropes where Orton knees him from the apron.  Orton comes in, whips Martel and they collide in the middle of the ring.  Both men tag and Zenk takes it to Muraco.  All four men are in now and the CAC absolutely dominate.  Martel hits Muraco with a bodypress and Zenk goes behind them to cause Muraco to fall.  That combination is enough for a pinfall victory.

Bottom Line: This was like a Cliffs Notes version of a standard tag match.  Everything was sound but they weren’t given proper time to develop a memorable match.  A win for the CAC got the crowd jazzed up though.  **

- A quick video package showing Hercules jumping Billy Jack Haynes is followed by a Hercules promo.  Hercules tells us about Greek history to get his point across.  This show is entertaining AND educational.

Hercules vs. Billy Jack Haynes

The issue here is who has the better full nelson.  As Dave Hebner tries to separate a lockup between the two in the corner, Hercules catches Haynes with a knee.  Hercules misses a charge in the corner which gives Haynes a chance to put on the full nelson.  Hercules escapes though.  Haynes chops away on Hercules but gets murdered with a clothesline as he was charging the corner.  A suplex by Hercules gets 2 because he picked Haynes up before 3.  Haynes tries to comeback but hurts his back trying to suplex Hercules.  Hercules gets the full nelson on Haynes but can’t lock his fingers.  Haynes frees himself, but Hercules stays on the attack.  A double clothesline sends both men to the mat.  Haynes is up first and goes after Hercules with a few clotheslines.  Haynes gets his full nelson on but also fails to lock the fingers.  As Hercules reaches for the ropes, both men tumble to the outside.  Haynes gets the full nelson on again outside the ring long enough for the referee to count both men out. 

Postmatch: Haynes tries going after Heenan, which allows Hercules to nail him from behind with his chain.  Haynes blades for that.

BL: Way to settle nothing guys.  I can see what they were going for with Haynes selling the back throughout the match to soften him up for the full nelson, so I’ll give them credit there.  But when the night’s over it’s still a power match with a non-finish thus it only gets *.

- Mean Gene gets King Kong Bundy’s thoughts on his upcoming match.  Considering he was in the main event last year and in a match with midgets this year, I’m sure he feels like he’s getting the short end of the stick.  Get it…short?  Ahh, why do I waste my time?

- Hillbilly Jim says he’s going to protect his two little buddies.  But really who wants to see them come out of this match unscathed?

King Kong Bundy, Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook vs. Hillbilly Jim, Little Beaver, and the Haiti Kid

After some brief work between the Haiti Kid and Little Tokyo, all four small guys come in and the faces outsmart the heels.  Bob Uecker, sitting in on commentary, makes a crude Little Beaver joke, but keeps it subtle.  Lord Littlebrook brings Little Beaver to the heel corner, but Little Beaver fights his way out, even nailing Bundy.  Bundy gets tagged in and Little Beaver tries standing up to him.  After a failed dropkick, he wisely tags Hillbilly.  Bundy gets dropped by a Hillbilly Jim clothesline.  All three faces pile on top of Bundy, but he still kicks out.  Bundy locks Hillbilly in a front face lock and Little Beaver breaks it up by whacking Bundy with his shoe.  Beaver attacks Bundy again as he was working Hillbilly over in the corner.  Fed up with this, Bundy picks Beaver up and slams him.  He follows the slam up with an elbow which draws a DQ. 

Postmatch: Bundy goes for a splash but all the midgets pull Beaver out of harms way.

BL: Well all we wanted to see was one of the midgets get squashed, so in that regard, mission accomplished.  Beyond that, they did nothing out there.  ½ *

- Mary Hart tries to get a word with Miss Elizabeth but Macho cuts her off.  And don’t cast judgment on Macho.  He just knows that Miss Elizabeth’s strong suit is standing there and looking pretty.

- Highlights are shown that led to tonight’s Harley Race/Junkyard Dog match.  This is your typical royalty vs. commoner feud.  Although it’s hard to imagine anyone who chooses “Grab Them Cakes” as their theme song as ‘common’.

“King” Harley Race vs. Junkyard Dog

Loser has to bow before the winner here.  Heenan doesn’t waste any time as he grabs JYD’s leg and tries to trip him.  JYD chases Heenan on the outside and gets nailed by Race upon reentry.  JYD comes right back though with a headbutt.  Race dumps JYD to the floor and then tries a flying headbutt but misses.  Back inside, JYD locks an abdominal stretch on Race.  Race escapes and hits JYD with a diving headbutt.  It ends up hurting Race more though.  I guess JYD is 1/16 Samoan.  JYD starts hitting Race with his doggy-style headbutts (could this match have any more headbutts?) so Heenan gets on the apron.  As JYD approaches him, Race comes from behind and hits a belly-to-belly suplex.  He covers and gets a weak 3 count.  Odd finish.

Postmatch: JYD gives a half bow and then nails Race with a chair.

BL: Frustrating match as it was a complete squash by JYD but Race gets a cheap win.  That would be fine if they went through with it all and had JYD be humbled by bowing to him.  But instead they have JYD attack Race to get his heat back.  Either give JYD the win or have the heel get the last laugh.  Don’t do this have your cake and eat it too sh*t because nobody wins then.  * ¼

- Hogan does his usual blathering that includes this gem, “[Hulkmania’s] the purest form of the truth there is”.  And here I was wasting my life only looking to God for the truth.

The Dream Team vs. The Rougeau Brothers

Rougeaus are the faces here.  Dino Bravo and Luscious Johnny Valiant are both ringside for the Dream Team.  Beefcake doesn’t fare too well with Raymond early on, so he makes a tag to Valentine.  Crossbody by Raymond gets a 2 count.  Jacques tries a crossbody from the second rope but Valentine ducks out of the way.  The Dream Team do an interesting double team move as Valentine nails Jacques with an axe handle from the top rope and then Beefcake hits him with a gutbuster.  Oh what a treat…Heenan has joined us for commentary.  Valentine locks a figure four on Jacques but he makes it to the ropes.  Jacques reverses a piledriver attempt and then tags Raymond.  Raymond puts a sleeper on Valentine so Beefcake tries to break it up, but nails Valentine on accident.  The Rougeaus hit their finisher on Valentine and Jacques makes a cover.  The referee is distracted though by Raymond and Beefcake brawling, so Bravo comes in and nails Jacques.  Bravo throws Valentine on Jacques and the Dream Team gets the victory.

Postmatch: Beefcake protests Bravo’s heelish ways of getting the victory so Valentine, Bravo and Johnny V leave him behind.

BL: A short yet overbooked match between two teams that had no real issues between them.  That’s not the recipe for a good match.  The storyline for the break-up of the Dream Team is interesting though.  Heenan was the highlight of the match with his boastful commentary.  ¾ *

- The video package for the Piper/Adonis feud is shown.  Finally, a package that has more than one clip in it.  It actually makes you believe two guys are fighting for a reason as opposed to fighting over an isolated incident.  Nice to see the production crew is finally getting a clue.

Hair vs. Hair match: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs. Adorable Adrian Adonis

This was billed as Piper’s retirement match.  I’ll give you a minute to recover from laughing.  OK then.  A slugfest to start and then Piper pulls a leather strap out and begins to whip Adonis with it.  Piper then uses the strap on Jimmy Hart, which the crowd goes nuts for, until Adonis nails Piper from behind.  Now Adonis gets the strap and works over Piper with it.  Piper comes back though and whips Adonis to the floor.  Piper grabs both Adonis and Hart and beats them both up.  Adonis whips Piper to the ropes and Hart trips him.  A big clothesline sends Piper to the mat.  The fight spills to the floor where Adonis rams Piper’s head into the table.  Hart sprays Adonis’ atomizer in Piper’s face and then Adonis locks in a sleeper.  Piper goes down and the referee checks Piper’s hand.  After it dropped the second time Adonis lets go and begins to celebrate.  Beefcake comes down and revives Piper behind Adonis’s back.  Piper gets up and goes on the attack again.  He gets Adonis in the sleeper and that’s all she wrote for the Adorable one.

Postmatch: Beefcake helps cut off Adonis’ hair and thus the Barber gimmick was born.  Also a fan runs into the ring to celebrate with Piper and immediately gets jumped by security.  Idiot.

BL: A really fun match that played to their strengths.  Crowd was super hot throughout it all.  The finish with Adonis releasing the sleeper too early was a bit goofy but passable.  It would have been a nice finish to Piper’s career, but for some strange reason, he didn’t adhere to his retirement promise.  *** ½

Tito Santana and the British Bulldogs vs. Dangerous Danny Davis and the Hart Foundation

Backstory here is that Davis was a crooked referee who cost Santana and the Bulldogs their respective titles and then was banned from refereeing.  So he’s now become a wrestler looking to inflict more pain on the faces.  Ventura is introduced to the crowd before this match for some unknown reason.  The faces beat up the heels before the bell even rings.  Neidhart gets worked over by both Bulldogs.  Santana gets caught in the heel corner and gets beat down.  Leapfrogging Neidhart, Santana is able to avoid more punishment and tag Davey Boy.  Neidhart blindsides Davey Boy, but Bret can’t connect with an elbow.  Hart Foundation now work over Dynamite to make him your dumb limey-in-distress.  Davis comes in, gives a couple of kicks to Dynamite and then tags back out.  Way to earn your pay Danny.  After the Foundation finish their assault, they try launching Davis onto Dynamite but he gets his knees up.  Dynamite tags Santana, who takes it to Davis.  After hitting the flying forearm, Santana goes for the figure four, but Neidhart hits him from behind.  Davey Boy is now in and he hits Davis with a piledriver and a suplex.  After Davey Boy nails Davis with the running powerslam, Neidhart once again comes in to break up the pin.  Now all six men are battling it out.  Davis grabs the megaphone and clocks Davey Boy with it.  That’s enough for Davis to pick up the three count.

BL: This was pretty formulaic in its format, but when you have such strong workers doing the standard, it makes for an exciting match.  I was impressed with the amount of bumping Davis did out there.  Good effort all around.  *** ¼

- Mean Gene gets an interview with Andre and Heenan.  In a surprising twist though, Heenan does all the talking and Andre just stands there.

Koko B. Ware vs. The Natural Butch Reed

Ventura mentions that his friend Barry Blaustein was really interested in this match.  Blaustein for those who don’t know, made the “Beyond the Mat” documentary a few years ago.  A sucker punch after a lockup gives Reed an early advantage, but Koko comes right back with a standing dropkick.  Koko gets caught with his head down and Reed makes him pay for it.  After some tepid offense by Reed, Koko reverses a whip and goes back on the attack.  A small package gets two for Koko.  Koko hits Reed with a crossbody but Reed rolls through it, grabs the tights and gets the 3 count.

BL: This match looked more like an exhibition between the Tough Enough kids rather than a Wrestlemania-worthy bout.  But I guess you need fillers in between your big matches.  Still, this was a waste of my time.  DUD

- Clips of how Macho crushed Steamboat’s larynx and his recovery are shown.  Good stuff, but did they really need to add the lame clip of Mean Gene interviewing Steamboat’s “doctor” in there though?

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Macho Man Randy Savage (champ) vs. Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat

George “the Animal” Steel accompanies Steamboat for this match.  Steamboat’s speed gives him an early edge.  Macho baits Steamboat to chase him and then nails Steamboat as they reenter the ring.  Missing a charge in the corner allows Steamboat to work on Macho’s arm.  Macho catches Steamboat with an elbow and then tosses him to the floor.  As Macho brings Steamboat back in, he begins to work on Steamboat’s throat.  Steamboat comes back though by ramming Macho’s head into the turnbuckle.  No one can get any sustained offense thus far.  Crossbody by Steamboat gets 2.  Macho throws Steamboat over the top rope, but Steamboat pulls himself back in only to get clotheslined all the way to the floor by Macho.  Following him out, Macho knees Steamboat and sends him over a table and into the ring barrier.  Steele helps Steamboat back in or else he would have been counted out.  So what does Macho do?  He just tosses Steamboat out the other side of the ring.  Nice.  Macho then goes up top and nails Steamboat with an axe handle.  He tosses Steamboat back in and hits him with another axe handle.  That gets a nearfall.  Macho hits about 4 more moves and covers each time but they are all nearfalls.  A fatigued Steamboat catches Macho charging him and backdrops him to the floor.  Big bump there.  Back inside, Steamboat covers but Macho gets his foot on the rope.  Crowd thought that was it.  Sunset flip by Steamboat gets two.  Rollup gets 2.  Small package gets 2.  A slingshot by Steamboat sends Macho into the post.  Macho grabs Steamboat by the tights and throws him into the corner.  An Irish whip by Macho accidentally sends Steamboat into Dave Hebner.  Macho hits the big elbow and covers, but no referee.  With the referee out, Macho grabs the ring bell, but Steele snatches it from him.  Macho gets it back and goes up top but Steele shoves him off.  Macho gets up first and goes for a scoop slam, but Steamboat small packages him and gets the shocking three count.  New champion!

BL: There’s a reason why this match is used as a barometer for excellence.  Simply amazing match that was fast paced, back-and-forth and electric.  It also gave a great blowoff to a lengthy feud.  *****

- Mean Gene gets Jake Roberts and Alice Cooper’s thoughts on Jake’s upcoming match against the Honky Tonk Man.  Jake and a rock star?  Gee, I wonder if they’re going to go out and party if he wins?

Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Honky Tonk Man

Jake jumps Honky before he can get into the ring and goes right to work on him.  A kneelift by Jake sends Honky bailing so he can take off his jumpsuit.  Jake follows him right out though and continues the attack.  Honky hits Jake with a knee as he was charging him.  The offense doesn’t last long for Honky as Jake hits the short-arm clothesline and signals for the DDT.  Honky is able to escape before Jake can hit his finisher.  On the floor, Jimmy Hart distracts Jake long enough for Honky to send Jake into the post.  Back inside, Honky drops a fist on Jake from the second rope.  Honky goes for the Shake, Rattle & Roll but Jake backdrops out of it.  As Honky attacks Jake in the corner, Jake grabs him and hits him with an inverted atomic drop.  Jake wins a slugfest and Honky begs for mercy.  Hart grabs Roberts’ leg as he goes for the DDT.  This allows Honky to roll Jake up, use the ropes and get the pinfall. 

Postmatch: Alice Cooper and Jake trap little Jimmy and put Damian on him.

BL: Typical Honky match; he gets destroyed for the majority of the bout, yet pulls out a win in the end.  But you might as well do what you’re good at.  A fun brawl nonetheless.  **

- Mean Gene makes the attendance announcement of 93,173.  That’s odd, I only counted around 78,000 there.  Must have missed a couple of sections.

The Killer Bees vs. The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff

Before the match, Hacksaw Jim Duggan runs down and stops Volkoff from singing.  Gee, so glad they were able to squeeze time in the show for Duggan to make an appearance.  Now my night is complete.  The heels attack the Bees right at the bell but they come right back.  Brunzell clears Volkoff out so they can double team the Sheik.  The Bees do a nice job of making quick tags and working on the Sheik’s arm.  All four men are back in and the referee has lost all control of this match.  Ventura’s still upset that Duggan remains at ringside and I can’t blame him.  Brunzell gets caught in the heel corner and they take over on offense.  A gut wrench suplex by the Sheik gets 2.  Brunzell catches Sheik with a knee and tags Blair, but the referee was tied up with Volkof so he won’t allow it.  As Sheik puts the camel clutch on Brunzell, Duggan begins chasing Slick and Volkoff around ringside.  Duggan comes into the ring and blasts Sheik with the 2x4 drawing the DQ.

BL: It’s bad enough that Duggan costs himself matches with that board, but now he’s costing other people wins too.  Aside from his wretched involvement there was nothing of note here.  Simple cool down match before the main event.  ½ *

- Mean Gene talks once again with Andre and Heenan.  This time Andre actually says something.  Sadly, it took him all that time since the last promo to come up with “Tonight I’ll be wearing the belt.”

- After showing how this match came to be, Hogan offers a rebuttal claiming that after this match, “the world will shake before his feet.”  Wait, was that an in-character comment or does he really believe that?

WWF Championship Match: Hulk Hogan (champ) vs. Andre the Giant

Bob Uecker is guest ring announcer and Mary Hart is guest timekeeper.  When Mary enters the ring, she takes off her shoes.  Ewww.  We start with a huge staredown which leads to shoving which leads to punching.  Hogan already goes for the slam but Andre falls on him.  Referee Joey Marella counts 1…2…3??  He gets up and says he only counted 2 despite his hand hitting three times.  We’ve got controversy already and we’re not even a minute into the match.  Andre now clubs away on Hogan.  Two bodyslams by Andre put Hogan in serious trouble.  Now Hogan is getting some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Hogan escapes a headbutt in the corner and begins to rally.  It’s now Hogan who works Andre over in the corner.  Hogan charges but EATS HEEL from Andre.  Andre locks a bearhug on Hogan and Heenan thinks it’s over.  Referee checks Hogan’s arm and he barely keeps it up the third time.  Hogan punches his way out, but gets knocked right down with a chop from Andre.  A boot by Andre sends Hogan to the floor.  On the outside, Andre goes for a headbutt, but rams his head into the post.  Hogan pulls away the mats on the floor and tries for a piledriver (yeah right) but Andre dumps him over his head.  Inside, Andre misses a boot, but Hogan connects with a clothesline that drops the big guy.  Hogan then gets the “Slam Heard Round the World”.  The legdrop that follows is just icing on the cake as Andre is down and out and Hogan remarkably ends Andre’s 15 year undefeated streak.

BL: Admittedly, the majority of this rating will be based on the aura that surrounded this match.  Still, I have to give a lot of credit to both participants.  Andre dominated the match as he should have.  They kept teasing Hogan’s comeback to draw the crowd to a fever pitch.  A match to remember.  **

Final Thought: They finally got it right.  Unbelievable matches, great setting, enormous crowd and flawless production.  To quote Will Ferrell doing James Lipton, “If you have not seen this, go out and rent it TONIGHT.”

Next time, something else to do on Thanksgiving besides argue with the in-laws.

Until then, keep surviving inside the Squared Circle of Life.   

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