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Everybody Hates Jeff 
December 5, 2005

by Jason Longshore 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Good to see that the Impact ratings went back up last week. My guess is that the momentary drop could have had something to do with Impact being bumped out of its regular time slot during the prior week. With the numbers we’re talking about, how big of a difference is a 0.6 to a 0.8 really? Impact’s doing twice the ratings that Velocity

was doing a year ago, that’s what matters to Spike. What I’m really curious about is if the PPV buyrates have improved with the move to Spike, that’s what would make everything worthwhile.

Enough rambling, it’s time for Impact…

The show begins with Don West walking around backstage looking for Raven. Samoa Joe walks by instead, still carrying his Christopher Daniels commemorative blood stained towel. West tries to talk to Joe, but Joe just walks off. Bobby Heenan walks by next and says he’s there because Impact is the place to be. He’s also there because next week, TNA is honoring some of the World Champion Chicago White Sox and he’s a Chicago guy. Alrighty then…


Shelley now brings a video camera to the ring. I guess he wants to review his matches, but didn’t pay his cable bill. Poor Alex, maybe he shouldn’t spend his money on the silly hats he wears. All four men start things off in the ring. Shelley and Petey get knocked to the outside. Aries and Sabin do stereo suicide dives to the delight of the Impact Zone faithful. Back in the ring, Aries hits an elbow off the top rope on Shelley. He then tries to sunset flip Petey off the apron, but Williams is having none of it. Shelley drops Aries with a vicious looking spin kick. Alex then does some odd looking head scissors/head slam combo. I think the crowd summed it up correctly with a chant that questioned Alex’s manliness. Aries is so shaken up by the move that Petey tags in and immediately puts him in the Tree of Woe. Of course, that’s followed with the Oh Canada Standing Nut Stomp. Shelley comes and continues the beating of Aries with a slam. Everyone joins in the fun, which is punctuated by a nasty basement dropkick by Sabin to a tied-in-the-Tree-of-Woe Petey. Aries knocks Shelley out of the ring and goes for the Brainbuster on Petey. Williams reverses it, and kills Austin with the Canadian Destroyer. Tears are shed in Nova Scotia however when Sabin nails Williams with the Cradle Shock for the victory.

After commercials, Terry Taylor joins AMW in their locker room. They’re just hanging out, knocking back a few beers, and watching a tape of the Team 3-D funeral segment. I think there’s a clause in the producer’s contract that a clip of that segment has to be used in every Impact episode for six months. Taylor whines about the segment being disrespectful, but Chris Harris goes off about how Team 3-D should have been honored by the wonderful tribute. He talks about how they’re too stupid to realize it was a tribute though, just like they should have realized not to come to TNA. Storm says that AMW is going to perfect the table match at Turning Point. They’ve finally had enough and kick Terry out. On the way, Taylor tries to steal a beer. He should have known that Drunken James Storm would NEVER allow anyone to steal a beer from him. Storm grabs the beer back, which gives him a chance to hit the AMW catchphrase.

ABYSS V. ???

After Abyss’ entrance, we learn that the man in the ring is Kenny King from Tough Enough. Note to Kenny, when they don’t have music or an entrance for you on your debut, you’re going to be counting the lights at the end of the match. Well, counting the lasers in the Impact Zone, but you get the point. Kenny does get in a nice clothesline, but that just serves to piss Abyss off. Abyss sends him about 87 feet in the air on the flapjack, then kills him with a big boot. Corner splash, Shock Treatment, Black Hole Slam, and it’s good bye Kenny.

Mitchell is in the ring with a mic after the commercials. He talks a lot of trash to Sabu, using his standard vocabulary which goes ten feet over the majority of the crowd’s head. Sabu hates vocabulary, so he’s out to challenge Abyss yet again. Abyss is not happy about his recent losing streak though, and takes it out on Sabu. I guess beating Tough Enough Kenny wasn’t good enough for him. He rams Sabu in the ring steps and then they battle to the back. Mitchell gives Abyss the barbed wire chair and Abyss finally uses it to whack Sabu over the head. As far as barbed wire chair shots go, it was a good one. He then sets up some extra guard rails and chokeslams Sabu on them. Is Sabu even going to make it to the PPV match?

A very good second part to Rhino’s video package follows a commercial break. This one touches mainly on his WWE stint, and the personal problems he was going through while he was there. It was a good piece, but probably a little short.

Tenay and West were talking about the piece when Jeff Jarrett’s music hit. I almost didn’t recognize him, no pink shirts or white pants. I guess he took Christian’s fashion advice. Anyway, he drags Tenay out to the ring and does the same old routine about TNA management hating him and trying to get the fans behind Rhino, blah blah blah. He says that Gail Kim won’t return his calls because TNA management brought in Jackie Gayda. Tenay tries to ask about that situation, but Jarrett just says don’t go there. He then says that if Tenay continues that line of questioning, he “crush his voicebox.” He says that he’ll beat the flavor of the month Rhino at Turning Point and that Christian would probably be the next flavor of the month.

When Jarrett finishes his ranting, Christian’s music hits. He steals Jarrett’s old WCW line, “Listen up, Slapnuts!” Bonus points for that, but I hope the WWE legal department wasn’t watching. Christian says he is not a flavor of the month, but “Captain Charisma, you silly bastard!” He also disses Jarrett’s haircut. The crowd chants, “You got served,” at that one. Christian again says that he’s coming for the NWA World Title. Jarrett challenges him to come on down to the ring so they can settle things. Christian acts like he’s not going to do it, until Jarrett yells something about Christian lacking testicles. No one insults the little Charismas, so the fight is on. Christian gets the better of it and sets up for the Unprettier, but Jarrett bails. Bobby Roode attacks from the blind side and nails Christian with his Northern Lariat. Jackie Gayda runs out and yanks Jarrett off the apron. They talk trash, Jarrett shoves Jackie, Jackie slaps Jarrett, then security breaks it up. AMW comes out to ask Jarrett what’s going on with Jackie, but he keeps saying, “It’s not what you think.”

After commercials, Bullet Bob Armstrong makes his grand return to TNA. Bullet Bob was the greatest Director of Authority in TNA history back in the day, and he’s also BG James’ daddy. He’s with the Kru and says that they could be the best stable in the history of wrestling. He gives special praise to Konnan, saying that he’s the one who really made it happen. BG says that the Kru is going to show Team Canada what “family” is all about at Turning Point.

Back to the ring, Larry Zybysko again offers Raven his release. Raven says that he’d only sign it if: a) He gets to give Larry the Raven Effect, b) Larry pisses himself in fear, and c) He signs the release in Larry’s blood. Zybysko doesn’t really like that idea, so he goes to get Raven’s opponents in the (Clockwork Orange) House of Fun Match. He says that Raven’s girlfriend might like the match, which sets Raven off again. Obviously, getting said opponents takes time, so we head to our last commercial break.

RAVEN V. ???

Zybysko introduces Simon Diamond and his Diamonds in the Rough as Raven’s opponents. He asks Diamond if they’ve got a deal and Diamond says yes. Raven tries to fight them off, but the numbers game gets to him. They do the classic Wishbone Nut Crunch on the ringpost. Young grabs a scale of all things. While Raven’s sitting in the corner, Young places the scale over Raven’s nether regions and smashes it with a baseball bat. Umm, that’s not cool. Skipper then follows it up with a shot with a crutch. They hold Raven up and Elix missile dropkicks a trashcan into his head. They try again to get Raven to sign the release, but he hits Young with the clipboard. You don’t treat David Young like that, so he slices Raven’s head open with the infamous pizza cutter. Cassidy Richards, err Riley, is out to try to make the save. He actually kicks some ass for a bit with a kendo stick. Young takes him out with the trashcan. The diversion gave Raven some time to recover though as he’s not back and swinging away with a trashcan of his own. The numbers are just too much though as they do Raven’s drop toehold into a chair move on him twice. They hold Raven up and Zybysko again offers the release. Raven spits at him though, which leads to the Diamonds throwing him through a table set up at ringside and the pin.

Tenay starts to tell us about next week, but is interrupted by Samoa Joe beating the unholy crap out of AJ Styles. He loudly slams AJ’s head into a moving case in the back and tells him that he doesn’t respect AJ’s code.


· Not as much wrestling as usual this week, they definitely were focused on the storylines heading into Turning Point.

· The opening X Division match was good fun. I’m wondering where Shelley’s camera gimmick is headed. I do know that his head scissors/head stomp move was really, really stupid. His reaction to the crowd hating it was pretty funny though. I hope there’s something more substantial planned for him, he’s been really entertaining since he rejoined TNA. Aries is still just sort of there for me, and Petey and Sabin delivered their usual goodness. It’s very clear that this group is in the midcard of the X Division though while AJ, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels (when he’s back) are at the top.

· Drunken James Storm is still great. I loved Taylor trying to snag a beer on his way out of the dressing room, but Storm catching him. You can’t trust that Terry Taylor at one of your parties.

· Tough Enough Kenny sells pretty well, I’ll give him that. I wonder if we’ll see him again. Speaking of Tough Enough people in TNA, anybody remember when Jonah showed up? Whatever happened to that guy?

· I’m almost dreading the Barbed Wire Massacre match at the PPV. If Sabu doesn’t lose limbs, I think the fans will boo and do a stupid chant about he’s not hardcore.

· Memo to said TNA fans: Wait until Jarrett speaks before you start chanting “Boring”. I almost want Jarrett to hold the belt for a year so these people will go home and cry in their Indy Wrestling Roolz pillowcases. Sure, I with he’d lay off the whole “JJ v. TNA management” saga. He’s still good in the ring and can work with a wide variety of people. I’m actually looking forward to a Christian/Jarrett feud at this point.

· I feel bad about looking forward to that because I’m starting to come to the conclusion that Christian has in fact leap frogged Monty Brown in the TNA pecking order. That’s a shame, because it really looked like Monty was being groomed as the home grown talent to take the belt from the hated Jarrett. He still could do it, but it looks like the table is being set for Christian at this point. Could it be time to bring in the NWA North American Title, or something similar?

· I’m hoping that the Jackie/Gail/Jarrett thing doesn’t revolve around Jarrett being a pimp with the ladies. Unfortunately, I think I’m going to be disappointed. Please let there be more to this.

· Speaking of woman troubles, when are we going to learn more about Raven’s mysterious girlfriend. I have no idea where that’s headed.

· Hooray for the return of Bullet Bob!

· Konnan still didn’t seem to happy about the newly enlarged Kru. Please turn heel on them at Turning Point, please K-Dawg.

· The House of Fun match was pretty sloppy. At least the Diamonds actually seem a little intimidating now. They’re not completely inept.

· Nice simple backstage beatdown to end the show. I would have rather Joe just said that he doesn’t respect AJ, instead of bringing up the mystery code again though.

Impact’s next edition will be on Thursday at 10 p.m. Eastern time, due to the Spike Video Game Awards airing on Saturday night. The show will feature Christian v. Bobby Roode, Bobby Heenan appearing with some of the Chicago White Sox, Samoa Joe v. Amazing Red (Don West might have to change his shorts with the return of Red), AMW/Jarrett v. Naturals/Hardy, and more. If you miss it, I’ll be back with a recap/preview of this weekend’s Turning Point on Friday. Until then…


Jason Longshore is your second-most-favorite wrestling fan/writer from Atlanta, GA.

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