At this point, I’m completely giving up and relaying my sincere and absolutely serious match predictions via a chat transcript. I was so moved by what might happen at this coming pay-per-view that I could only explicate my feelings about the last few matches through a thoughtful dialogue with another person.

JebLund: Okay, so here's the set-up. It's Big Show v. Akebono. And Rick thinks that there might be an over-the-top-rope stipulation.

JebLund: Personally, I think that Hogan wins. Or maybe City Hall.

corybharris: Yeah, but because he's lost his "Yoga Fire" ability, Dhalsim doesn't stand a chance in this.

JebLund: Thank you for avoiding the "E. Honda" joke.

corybharris: Who? Don't you watch Ring of Chivalry?

JebLund: Not really. I don’t trade tapes. When I was growing up, "trading tapes" meant swapping out whatever you'd gotten off a porn channel on VHS, then gotten bored of, then traded with someone else who'd similarly gotten bored of his ill-gotten porn.

corybharris: Yeah, I remember watching women in labor on The Discovery Channel, too. Sometimes one woman's labor would be a three hour marathon, which this match will eclipse easily.

JebLund: In fairness, there won't be much of a size differential in this match, which is more than I can say for labor.

corybharris: Unfortunately, I lost my Time-Life box set, so now all I do is put my "Singer and Songwriters" collection in my boombox and imagine my long-lost tapes. Is it hot in here?

JebLund: There are mosquitoes all the fuck around me. Akebono doesn't stand a chance if Big Show appears in a kilt.

JebLund: What if The Showster disguises himself as The Largest Playboy Bunny in the World? I think that surprise is half the battle.

corybharris: Akebono may show up with a 30-foot sub. This won't appear in the match, but I think the backstage politics will play a big role. After all, if Undertaker wanted lettuce on the side, will the rookie win?

JebLund: I think that Taker will get a ceremonial first bite, but there's not a ghost of a chance that he can keep from being elbowed out of the way by Akebono, Show, and Stephanie McMahon.

JebLund: I still think you're underestimating the sexual possibilities of the match. Akebono's going to appear in a sheer robe, with nought but a thong underneath.

corybharris: Yeah, but I've seen that on ESPN2. I'm not sure if the Fed is ready to pull the trigger on full-sumo nudity.

corybharris: And really, the "what if" factor of Show stripping off his opponent's diaper is the impetus of this storyline. The East is far more liberal about their nudity.

JebLund: Absolutely. "The Showster's Singlet Is the Showster's Shame" isn't the title of my latest cultural studies essay by coincidence.

corybharris: I have to admit I have an Asian fetish. Every time I ask this Chinese girl in my neighborhood to rub her "mist glands," she looks at me as if I'm some foreign infidel. But really, I just want her to mist all over my face.

JebLund: So I say Akebono wins, and you get herpes.

JebLund: Or "Face AIDS."

corybharris: Big Show has to win this, because an outsider has never won a Wrestlemania match. Not Lawrence Tay... er, not Mr. T... wait... certainly not Butterbe... dammit! Akeebono wins.

corybharris: But Big Show will refuse to take his shoes off when entering his opponent's house.

JebLund: Joke's on you! Big Show eats his shoes to intimidate anyone whose house he enters.

JebLund: On one hand, I think Eddie should win because "Rey Rey" sounds like the name of the junkie who gives up the murderer after Lennie Briscoe leans on him.

JebLund: "You can't do another 3 at Attica standing on your head, Rey Rey, and we both know that."

corybharris: The gimmick here is that Eddie isn't sure that he can beat Rey. They've been playing it up for months. I figure Rey wins in 3 minutes, Eddie says, "Well, I can't win!" and they go for taquitos.

corybharris: Nobody puts Rey Rey in the corner.

JebLund: True enough. I think that says that Rey Rey has to be dirty. Dirty like that girl with freckles and an open sore. Yes, I think Rey Rey will ask you for a ride at dusk, after the ballgame you covered as a junior reporter for the school paper.

JebLund: Wait. I went from Dirty Dancing to something we shouldn't mention. Uh, so I think Rey should turn heel. Yeah?

corybharris: How's he going to be a heel? Is he going to put a swastika on his mask? Will he change his entrance to him jumping through a pit of fire, and then call his move the "Six Six Six?"

JebLund: The last one will only work if he dropkicks the fuck out of Jenna Von Oy.

corybharris: If he does, he needs to change his name, preferably to something German. Everyone likes a mystery, and he's the king of them.

JebLund: Either way, I think he's got nowhere else to go. We can call him Der Mysterischze.

JebLund: To cement his heel turn, he can rape a jobber named "Mr. Belgium."

JebLund: So, seriously, I think Rey wins. It makes Eddie sympathetic, while giving Rey an edge to his character. He's been a face since 1976, when he was the ripe age of something I won't look up.

corybharris: That'll certainly boost Velocity's ratings.

JebLund: .2 share or bust!

corybharris: Well, I'm going with a Rey win, but he's not turning heel. And I feel sorry enough for Eddie. Poor guy lost his title and his mullet, he doesn't need to lose a friend.

corybharris: This is interesting, because Hassan should really have Hogan's famous music. He has accomplished the dream of our great land: a man of foreign descent has made something of himself. Hogan, on the other hand, has fought and destroyed Dusty Rhodes.

JebLund: They had a theme song about that, but "I Leg-Dropped the Shit out of a Fat Man" never caught on.

JebLund: Also, Rick Derringer rhymed the last two syllables with "Batman."

JebLund: Don't ask.

corybharris: I'm still not sure what they will do this match, though. It would be neat if they used the Iron Sheik, but I don't think the WWE has enough PPV time blocked off to allow him to get to the ring.

JebLund: Good point. Either way, it's a cop out. If they want to make Hogan's return interesting, I think he should befriend Hassan as a Real American. Then they should get on their hands and knees in a cage and both wrestle wild boars.

corybharris: As an aside, if Hogan "fights for the rights of every man," why was in favor of Jim Crow laws?

JebLund: You've lost me. I was busy imagining a boar driving its tusk into Hogan's gut, whereupon Hogan furiously shook his head, waved a finger at the boar, passed out, fell down and was eaten.

corybharris: Well, I guess Hassan's winning streak will end, no thanks to his tag team partner, Jobber Hogan.

JebLund: Okay, Austin and Piper.

corybharris: Well, this is being held in a Piper's Pit, and we all know that rattlesnakes don't like being thrown in a hole with crazy scotsmen. Austin wins.

JebLund: You're underestimating the volume of chemicals that Piper's injected into himself over the years. That loon probably shot straight snake venom for at least six months without noticing. I see Austin trying to stunner bagpipes repeatedly, then wondering why they (a) don't crumple and (b) just wheeze.

corybharris: But does it really matter who wins? All the fans want to see is Austin act as if he were about to play the bagpipes, but instead pour a can of beer into each of the pipes, becoming the first redneck to make a Scottish Bong.

JebLund: If Piper tries to play the pipes after that, will they froth or just fart repeatedly?

corybharris: It'll be a frothy fart. Which was actually Piper's high school nickname.

JebLund: Okay, I have the most appropriate skit. Guess.

corybharris: "Austin and Piper's High School Reunion?"

JebLund: No, no. Keep guessing. More specific. Besides, we all know Lanny Poffo invented Post-Its.

corybharris: Austin and Piper tame a puma and teach it to track heroin?

JebLund: No. Piper diagnoses Austin with "The Sickness." He takes out a stethescope and puts it to Austin's beer gut. He says, "Take a deep breath." Austin says, "What?" Piper says, "Take a deep breath." Austin says, "What?"

JebLund: Repeat for 12 minutes.

corybharris: No. Longer.

corybharris: Lita will somehow find a way to break her neck while cheering Christy on.

JebLund: Bobby Heenan will travel back in time to 1955 and have sex with his sister. Biff will then suplex him out a pair of French doors.

corybharris: Hollywood Stars such as Bea Arthur, Ben Kingsley, and Jessica Tandy will star in the first ever "Hot Gravy In A Coffeepot On A Pole" match.

JebLund: Mene Gene Okerlund will wax his head and defy Tony Hawk to skate off it.

corybharris: Chris Jericho will win the Money in the Bank match and actually try to deposit the money at a local branch. Triple H will then steal the briefcase and ride off on a magical bicycle with Ric Flair curled in the basket, and they'll fly across the Los Angeles moon as Jericho weeps in the Comerica parking lot. The movie version will earn a thumbs up from Roger Ebert.

JebLund: New Jack will be shot to death by twenty men carrying only cell phones.

corybharris: If you've never seen a Digimon, Tazz's suitcoat will turn into one and burrow into Michael Cole's chest cavity.

JebLund: Killer Khan will use it to take control of Michael Cole, little realizing that there's not a mind left to work with. The Genesis Device will not reanimate Triple H.

JebLund: The Ultimate Warrior will make a surprise appearance, only to break down in the ring under a hail of "Hellwig" chants.

JebLund: "I AM WARRIOR!" he will wail.

JebLund: Moments later, he will be shot, gutted, cleaned and smoked by special guest Ted Nugent.

corybharris: Since the Tag Team titles for either brand are not on the line, expect Doug and Danny Basham to don clown makeup in a futile attempt to evade a group of mobsters.

corybharris: Unfortunately, Danny will forget to take off his "Hello! My name is Danny Basham, and I didn't pay back my mafia debts" nametag.

JebLund: In a wacky mix-up, Ross and Rachel will both have drunken sex with a Dudley sibling. But the crazy kids will patch it back together again shortly before being murdered by a crazed Doink.

corybharris: There will probably be at least one Pterodactyl in the main event.

JebLund: Scared "Sacred," D-Von will don the reverend collar once again and body slam iniquity.

JebLund: One audience member will rip his shirt off to reveal another WWE shirt. He will then rip that off to reveal a gut to which only Dusty Rhodes can aspire.

corybharris: John Cena will establish himself as the world's greatest wordsmith by finding a word to rhyme with "orange." As he's interviewed by the world's leading linguists, Carlito Caribbean Cool will stab him in the kidney, allowing him to eat an apple and say, "Now that... that's cool... orange."

JebLund: Carlito will get the piss kicked out of him by Johnny Appleseed. Only then will we realize that Appleseed wasn't a folk character.

JebLund: For no reason at all, the ring will start bleeding.

corybharris: Hulk Hogan will auction off a pair of boots and a suitcase made from his flesh.

JebLund: Heinrich Himmler will appear, announce that he is immortal, then boldly eat referee Jack Doan.