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Baby Steps? 
June 21, 2006

by Big Danny T 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Well, Well, Well ( © Joel Gertner), look who‘s back! After a year of being off the job and having people go, “Who’s that guy?” in the PPV Preview specials, your humble former Smackdown recapper is back as your humble ECW recapper! 
I can’t believe that I’m throwing my hat back into the ring, but what can I say, I’m kind of a masochist that way. But, if you think about it, I’m kind of like ECW myself in that regard. Just like ECW got its start in the bingo hall, I got my start doing half-assed recaps on this very websites forums. Just as ECW got themselves noticed 

with their innovative workrate and style, so too did my own innovative workrate and style catch the eye of our very own Rick Scaia. As both our products got polished, we both made the jump to the big leagues: ECW to TNN, myself to landing the sweet spot of head recapper of both WWE brands. I only lasted in that regard for a few months and cut my workload in half by going exclusively to Smackdown. ECW itself only maintained itself for about as long before the accusations of them selling out and the watering down of the product began to take it’s toll on the product. After a while, TNN would no longer have room for ECW, and they left rather unceremoniously. My own departure from the recapping ranks was in the middle of the Eddie vs. Rey custody angle, Heidenreich becoming the new Road Warrior, and Orton and Undertaker building to a crapfest at Summerslam, so my departure wasn’t the most auspicious of events either. 

So yeah, I think I can honestly say that my own internet career is a parallel to ECW’s existence. Well, that and that the Rick isn’t the only guy that can make pop-culture analogies.

10 minutes out: ECW is LIVE from Albany, NY, and we’ve got a big Tag match coming up, but after getting murdalized by Sabu last night, will Cena even show up? Find out, NEXT!

Dubba-yew. Tee. FUCK? Sci-Fi has House of the Dead as the lead in to ECW tonight. Do they WANT to drive viewers away? I’ve only seen the last 15 minutes, and I’m sick of bullet time and slow motion explosions already.

We open with a busty fortune teller. Through her boobs… I mean tarot cards, she recaps ECW’s invasion of raw last night. She lets us know that tonight, Edge and John Cena will know the meaning of Extreme.

Let the bodies hit the floor, and as previously mentioned, we are live in Albany NY. Tazz and Joey Styles are your hosts, and we go straight into Sabu Making his entrance. We get a shot of Cena and the damage done last night, and Sabu’s opponent is Tony Mamaluke (W/ Trinity).

Tony tries to start things off with some wrasslin, but Sabu changes things up and hits a couple leg drops. Tony gets the offense back, but a charge is met with a foot to the face. Sabu locks in a camel clutch. Tony gets away, Sabu dropkicks him out of the ring. Under the ring, a chair is found, and Sabu hits a Triple jump plancha onto Tony to the outside. Sabu gets a table, sets it up, but is met by Tony in the ring with a boot to the face. Tony grabs the chair, and after doing a mocking point, slams the chair into Sabu’s face. Tony then sets the chair up on Sabu and goes up top for a frogsplash. Sabu counters buy throwing the chair up into his face. Tony rolled to the outside, Sabu sets him up on the table, and hits a legdrop through it. Tony rolled in, Sabu with the slingshot guillotine legdrop. Camel Clutch applies, and Tony taps in about 3 seconds. Sabu is your winner.

Backstage, Kelli (The Exhibitionist) says that even though she had trouble with her bra last week, tonight, we get to see EVERYTHING. Ok, is it still too soon to call Catfight?

We break for Ads, and come back to Rob Van Dam with the ECW title around his waist (Spinner belt underneath. Nice touch.) He introduces himself, and says that tonight, we get to see him wrestle. He says his partner is Kurt angle; that surprisingly gets a mixed reaction. He says Cena and Edge are going to get their asses kicked, and gives us one last “Points-To-Self” before sending it to…

“Wellllllll!” The big show is out, and Tommy Dreamer is right after him. Tommy gets in the ring and tells Big Show that in the battle royal last week, he got a taste of hardcore (Well, not counting his two runs with the Hardcore title in WWE), but if he wants to make a name for himself, he's gotta go through Tommy, and then slaps him across the face. Big Show takes this as well as you would expect and proceeds to beat Tommy down. They go around the ring once, inside and out, Tommy keeps coming back, and then Big Show hits the Cobra Clutch Backbreaker and puts him to sleep. Big Show leaves, Tommy is still a jobber.

Two weeks ago, Kurt Angle made Orton tap out. I guess this was to illustrate how badass Kurt is.

Commercials. Inner Geek alert: Superman Returns is going to be awesome, but I really hope the that shitty POD music in the TV spot isn’t anywhere near the movie…

Ahh! Vampire! Well, he only gets a few seconds of screen time before we are back inside and here comes Macho Libre! He’s a luchadore, and he’s ripping on the Macho Man gimmick. Get it? Well, after saying a few things twice, and stating he’s looking for a fight, here comes Sandman (Sans Beer.) He enters through the crowd, gets in the ring, Macho says something, and Sandman canes him. One White Russian Legsweep later, and it’s all over and Sandman continues his streak as the Bad Gimmick Killer.

Backstage, Paul Heyman is saying something important to a ref when another ref breaks in to inform us that John Cena is here. Paul dismisses Ref #1 and follows Ref #2 off screen, just in time for…


Back, and Heyman has gathered the ECW wrestlers together and is rallying them against the invasion on John Cena. Speak of the devil; a door slam heralds the arrival of the Doctor of Wiggernomics himself. He’s here to say that that was a hell of a stunt last night by the Dirtbag (Sabu, barely being restrained by Paul.) Cena says that even though ECW my not like him or the way he does business, he can nut up and take his beatings like a man, so he challenges Paul to bring all his guys to Vengeance and have ourselves an extreme lumberjack match. Sabu grunts out an, “Ok!” and Cena says, “See you later boys!”

Out on Stage, Kelli is out for her Expose. The same stripper music from last week starts up, and Kelli grinds and gyrates for a few minutes, getting to the exact same level of exposure as she got last week (Bra undone, hands covering breasts) when some guy in trunks that proclaim him to be The Outlaw comes up with a towel, covers Kelli up, has a few harsh words for her, and then grins at the crowd as though he’s just done the most vile thing in the history of wrasslin EVAR! Yes, because being a controlling asshole of a boyfriend is EXTREME! The crowd goes mild, and we go to commercials.

Test is coming to ECW. You’ve been warned.

We’re back, and Edge (W/ Lita doing more for me in 3 seconds than Kelli did in her 3 minutes of gyrating. I know how she keeps the boys in, but damn!) Edge has a mic and he wishes to set the record straight. He thinks that ECW sucks, and he thinks that the fans suck too. This draws a tepid response, so they fire up “Theme to Dumb Guy” and here comes Randy Orton. We get a graphic showing us that Randy is going to get his ass kicked at Vengeance this Sunday. By who? Why, Kurt Angle, of course. He has the ECW mouthpiece in. Rob Van Dam comes out, the Spinner belt still very conspicuously below the ECW title. RVD and Edge jaw jack for a second, and Kurt starts for his team, Edge for his. Edge is nervous about getting in, Kurt stays low. Edge tries to shoot in; Kurt handles him easily with some mat wrestling. Tag to RVD, and a few kicks and punches later, Orton is tagged in. he walks right into a couple kicks, and RVD crotches him on the top rope, then goes up to the top rope and hits a jumping side kick to send Orton to the floor. Rob pauses for a moment to “Point-To-Self”, and then hits a springboard moonsault press to the outside. Of course, this hurts RVD as much as it does Randy, thus giving Randy time enough to get inside and tag Edge in. Edge with a few boots and punches, but a cross corner whip ends in Edge eating elbow. RVD with a springboard back kick to knock Edge down. RVD wants the Rolling thunder, but Lita is there to pull the top rope down and send RVD to the floor. This looks like as good a time as any for a Commercial break.

Am I the only person that felt like the return of DX is missing… something? I can’t put my finger on it, but something seems to be missing. And no, I don’t mean Chyna.

Back, and Edge is pounding on RVD. During the break, Lita used her boobs to choke RVD out. Heels are doing the quick tag, Keep RVD away from Angle thing. Edge back in, and he tosses RVD out through the middle rope. Angle tries to help, but the ref is there to stop him. RVD eats ringstep, rolled back in, Edge covers but RVD is still too kicky for more than 2. Tag to Orton who busts out a dropkick to get another 2 count. Edge tagged back in, and RVD avoids being rammed into the turnbuckle by giving Edge a boot to the head (Yaa! Yaa!) Both men down, double tag, and Kurt Angle is in as a Casa En Fuego! Knockdown to edge, double leg sweet for Orton, and now, here’s an ankle lock. Orton struggles, but here’s Edge to provide a hand. They clasp and Edge yanks, hotshotting Angle right into the 2nd rope. Angle down, Edge races around the ring and gets on the top turnbuckle in time to attempt a dropkick, but Kurt blocks and hits a Belly-To-Belly. Kurt with a primal scream, and he goes to Angle Slam Edge, but Orton is there with a chop block. He then works on the knee for a bit then tags Edge in. Edge tosses Kurt out and he stays down on the outside. Edge goes out after him, and gives the knee a kick. Kurt rolled back in and Edge goes to cover, but Kurt pulls him in and goes for the grapevine with the rear choke. Lita comes in and breaks that up. Tag to Orton, He struggles with Kurt, tags Edge back in. Edge goes for something, but Kurt reverses and hits a German on Edge. Tag to RVD, and he’s in with dropkicks and boots for both heels. He knocks Edge down with the spinning back kick, and then does a slingshot plancha to the outside to take Orton down. In the ring, Edge goes for a spear, but Kurt sidesteps it and grabs a leg for the ankle lock. Lita in with the ECW belt and she’s trying to take Kurt out, but he sidesteps her and she eats a modified Angle slam. Orton comes in behind Angle and hits an RKO, and while he stands and does his dickhead posturing, RVD comes flying in off the top rope with a sidekick. RVD goes for rolling thunder, but Edge makes the SWEET interrupt with a dropkick while he’s in mid-air. Edge calling for the spear, but RVD has gotten his hands on the title belt, and Edge eats that instead. Edge is out, so all that’s left is RVD to jump up and hit the ***** frogsplash. Count it: 1-2-3 and RVD and Kurt Angle are your winners tonight. In the ring, Kurt and RVD celebrate, RVD hoists his two belts high, and Edge and Orton make like the proverbial scalded dogs. Fade out on RVD doing the “Points-To-Self.”

Decent show this week. Certainly better than last week, But I hope that ECW being effectively “Raw: Hour 3” doesn’t last for much longer. ECW needs to stand on it’s own, and while having Edge and Cena making appearances might bring a few eyeballs to Sci-Fi on Tuesday nights, they can’t overstay their welcome.

Anyway, That’s it for tonight, see you next time!


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