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ECW ON SCI-FI RECAP  
Flair to the Extreme 
July 12, 2006

by Big Danny T 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

No amusing preamble tonight. I’m still recovering from a trip to Connecticut, so straight up recap. How lucky for you that you don’t have to read the details of my boring ass life, eh?
 
 
10 minutes out: Get This! Raw’s Titties McSuperbowl will be joining Kelly Kelley on stage. It’ll be TEH HAWT! Oh yeah, and Ric Flair will be going for #17 tonight against Big Show. Stay Tuned! You’ve only got 10 minutes of a shitty Sci-Fi movie left!

Last week: Rob Van Dam Fought Big Show, and lost due to the nefarious shenanigans of Paul Heyman.

 
“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor!” ECW is on the air, and live with your hosts, Joey Styles and Tazz. Later tonight, Ric Flair takes on Big Show, but right now…

Paul Heyman (The Extreme Judas © Joey Styles) is out to some pretty decent boo’s. He introduces himself, and says that last week he caused Rob Van Dam to Lose the ECW title. He says not to blame him for it. No, no, the people are the ones that should be blamed. It’s the people that are the downfall of RVD, the reason he was suspended for 30 days, and the reason RVD is generally in a world of hurt. Paul Explains his position by stating that it’s because of the people’s constant cheering, their constant hero worship that drove RVD to put his body on the line every night, and Paul had to do something about it. He couldn’t stand to see RVD destroying himself any more, so he made a sacrifice. Just because he doesn’t have stigmata on his hands, that doesn’t mean he isn’t your savior. Paul says that he will continue to sacrifice everything, he will make no decision to benefit himself, the fans, the wrestlers, not even his own children. No, from here on out, he will only make decisions that will benefit ECW. As the new Messiah, he has sacrificed his 10-year friendship with RVD, and with his sacrifices, he will lead ECW to the Promised Land. Play his music, and he heads out.

Tazz and Joey can’t believe what they’ve heard. As they do the incredulous act, we cut backstage and as Paul is being escorted by security in full riot gear, He’s getting a lot of dirty looks from the boys in the back. One in particular is Tommy Dreamer. He stops Paul and tells him that they’ve all stood behind him all this time, but he can’t understand what’s going on. Paul says that he’s glad he bumped into Tommy; he really is, because he’s been wanting a talk. But oh, look at the time; they can’t talk right now, because Tommy’s match is next! Toodles! Tommy gets a look on his face that says, “Oh shit…” and we are off to commercials…

Back, and Tommy Dreamer (Who isn’t even in his wrestling gear and is taping himself up as he heads to the ring) is out for his match against…

Test! Last week, Test took Al Snow down, how will he fare against Tommy Dreamer? Test is looking a lot more ripped than before. Test disrespects Tommy with a couple slaps to the face. Tommy fires back with rights, rights, more rights, and a clothesline sending Test to the floor. Tommy goes out, rolls Test back in, and gets a corner whip reversed. Test charges in and hits a clothesline in the corner. A couple punches, another whip, and Test lays in with the diesel elbow and boots. Test tosses Tommy across the ring, then picks him up and puts him in the Bear Hug of Extreme Cervical Discomfort. Tommy gets a few punches in to break the hold, and then fires back with a couple clotheslines and neckbreakers. He rips open his shirt to reveal an “EC F’n W” shirt, but Test gets back up, reverses a DDT attempt and hit the full nelson slam. Tommy tries to come back, but Test finishes him off and picks up the duke. Tommy is giving Test the “I’m gonna come after you later!” staredown, and Tazz and Joey promise a replay of the finish….

But instead, we are presented with a silhouette of Candace behind a screen. She calls out to Kelly, who is standing nearby, and saunters out. Kelley is looking kind of clueless as Candace walks up, teases a kiss, and says that tonight, when they go out dancing, they are going to make this… extreme! HLA! HLA! HLA! Oh yeah, I’m excited. Oh look, Commercials…

Back from commercials, and Joey sends us to Ariel, the Tarot Card reader.

Ariel lays out a couple cards and asks, “What does the past hold? What does the future hold? Blood!” and Fertig the Vampire comes into screen, yanks Ariel’s head back, exposing her neck, and then spits blood into the camera.

Out to the arena, Candace and Kelly are out for Kelly’s Expose. Dancing goes like this: Candace basically uses Kelly as a pole, because Kelly’s job was to stand there and look uncomfortable, awkward, and not know how to do a teasing double dance, apparently. After about 90 seconds of this, The Extreme Asshole Boyfriend Mike Knox is out to put a towel over Kelly. As he’s dragging her to the back, he is stopped with a shinnai to the chest. Sandman is there, and he tells Kelly to scram. After the girls vamoose, Sandman gives a thumbs up, and slowly turns it down. Apparently Mike Knox has never seen an episode of ECW before in his life, so he just stands there and looks stupidly while Sandman canes him into oblivion. He whacks him all over the stage, lets up for long enough to grab a beer out of his pocket, and then as Knox looks to try standing up for himself, Sandman gives him a 1 handed shot to the head that sends him flying off the back of the stage, with Tazz insinuating to never be seen again. Sandman bloodies himself up (and gets a good cut going up there, too) and as he soaks up the “ECW!” chants, we are off to a tale of the tape between Big Show and Ric Flair. Tazz and Joey play up the whole size difference, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and we are admiring some tattoos. They belong to CM Punk and he says that they are not just decorations, that they are DECLARATIONS! He shows us “Drug Free” across his knuckles, “honor” on his left forearm, and “There is a War” with Rosie the Riveter on his right (I amusedly notice that this last is just below a Cobra logo.) He’s not just any old punk; he’s a disciplined athlete that can’t wait to compete against the best in the world. Well bully for you, young man, this one’s for you!

You know, my experience with straight-edgers is kind of the opposite from Rick’s: I.E. Where most of the straight-edgers that he’s met are obnoxious pricks about it, most of the ones I’ve met are pretty cool about it. Granted, there’s that 10% that will always be the exception to the rule, but mostly, I’ve had good experiences with Straight-Edgers. Unfortunately, CM Punk looks to be in that 10% that are so impressed with the fact that they’ve resisted temptation that they have to foist it upon all the rest of us and condemn us for having a beer or taking a toke every once in a while. If CM is looking to be a heel, then by all means, have him ramp up the Obnoxious Straight Edger act to 11. He’ll piss off everyone in the crowd just through sheer personality alone. Otherwise, you’ll have another John Cena on your hands: He is trying to be a face, but he’s so face-punchingly smarmy about it that the fans rebel against him.

Back to the arena, and here comes Sabu! His vict… err… opponent tonight: Captain Jockstrap-face, Justin Credible! His T-shirt says something about not being crazy and a punchline in too small script to read. I find this smirk-inducingly ironic, considering whom he’s getting in the ring with.

Sabu tries to kick things off by diving at Justin, but Justin sidesteps and hits a couple quick legdrops to start. Punches to the head backed into the corner, cross corner whip and Sabu reverses momentum with an elbow to the head, t-bone suplex, and a second rope springboard heel kick. Justin rolls out and goes looking for a table under the ring. Joey picks this moment to tell us that this is NOT an extreme rules match. Justin’s search is interrupted by Sabu hitting him with a suicide dive over the top rope, taking him out. Ref starts counting, Sabu rolls Justin in and finishes setting up the table. Justin recovers enough to hit a baseball slide, sending Sabu sprawling. Justin out, Sabu reverses some fisticuffs, and slams Justin’s face into the ring, lays him across the table, then jumps up and springboards off the second rope into an Arabian face buster through the table. Crowd is all into it, but since this was NOT an extreme rules match, Ref calls for the bell, Giving Justin the win by DQ. Sabu rolls around in pain for a few seconds, gets up, walks out, and then we are shot to…

Balls Mahoney! He introduces himself and says that while some of you may laugh at that name, He likes it, because that’s who he is; always willing to give it 100% and be the best he can be. “Balls to the wall.” He looks kind of like Mick Foley, if Mick had even worse teeth and didn’t take care of his blade jobs…

We are shot back out to Tazz and Joey, who hype the upcoming Flair/Show match. Tazz can’t wait, and Joey says it’s going to be awesome!

In a pre-taped piece, Ric is backstage, introduces himself to the ECW crowd, and says that tonight; he’s going after his 17th world title. He tells Mick Foley to grow a pair, and says that he doesn’t care how many feds that Big Show has been Champion of (in case you missed it, he’s the first ever WWE/WCW/ECW champion), Tonight, Ric Flair is going to eat him alive!

Commercials. Tag Body spray; if you actually think this smelly stuff will get you laid, just jump off a bridge right now.

Back, and we pan up a tattooed arm, a red feather boa, and a mohawked head with black makeup applied. If CM Punk is the Straight-Edge punk, then Shannon Moore is the Flamboyantly Gay punk. Oh, and he’s coming, take that as you will.

Back to the arena, and it’s time for the main event.

Ric Flair is out first. To my surprise, the “ECW” crowd actually gives him a good reception. Big Show is out, and he gets a much milder reception. Ring announcements, and the ref holds the belt up… upside down. He notices this either on the titantron or someone whispers it to him, and he corrects it. Ref checks both guys, and it’s on.

They circle each other for a minute, lock up, and Big Show shoves him off. Ric in the corner, Show going for a big slap, Flair blocks that, takes a headbutt, and we go to commercials…

Back, and Ric has Big Show backed into a corner, but as the ref separates them, Big Show shoves Ric off. Ric picked up and dropped from a press slam. Ric busted open with a couple headbutts, punches in the corner, and Ric takes a few big chops in the corner. Flair flop, and Ric is now gushing profusely. A couple more punches, Ric tossed across the ring, and then clotheslined out. Flair goes for a trashcan of plunder, but Big Show lumbers his way out of the ring and slaps him around some more. Ric rolled back in the ring, and Big Show hits a vertical suplex. Ric is defiant, telling Big Show to bring it on. Big Show finds this amusing and lets Ric get a few shots in, just for yuks. Big Show tires of this quick and headbutts Ric across the ring. Big Show stops to jawjack with the fans for a second, telling them to sit down and shut their asses up. This gives Ric enough time to recover and deliver a low blow to Big Show. Joey reminds us that this match IS extreme rules, so the ref counts it. Ric knows a good thing when he sees it, so he goes for the nut shot again. Big Show is staggered, but has enough to shove Ric off. Ric is right back with another kick to the nuts, Lifting Show up a couple inches, and as Show stagers to the corner, Ric takes a running head start and delivers the Coup de-Nutsack. Ric out of the ring and pulling the trashcan in, and he grabs Mick Foley’s weapon of choice: The Barbed Wire baseball bat. Big Show takes a few shots, and Ric takes a moment to grind it into his face, drawing blood. Ric then takes the trashcan and whacks Big show with it. Show is staggered, but he doesn’t fall down. Ric takes a second shot, same result. Third time’s a charm, tho, and Big Show goes down. Ric covers, but Show isn’t out yet and he kicks him off (with authority) at 2. Ric just shrugs, goes for the pile of swag, and pulls out a bag. He undoes the string, and now, the ring is covered in THUMBTACKS! Joey can’t believe Rics new hardcore attitude as Ric grabs a chair and starts whacking Big Show with the chair. It takes a trio of shots, but Big Show finally goes down into the thumbtacks. This has the reverse of the intended effect, tho, as Big Show jumps back up, is pissed off, and proceeds to clothesline the hell out of Ric. Goozle, and Rick eats a chokeslam (away from the thumbtacks). Big Show hits the Cobra Clutch backbreaker, and then keeps it locked in for the submission win. Just to be a dick, Show then tosses Ric across the ring, this time INTO the thumbtacks. Big Show up, covered in blood, and looking mean. Play his music, give him his belt, and he makes his exit. In the ring, some trainers come and help Ric to his feet. Big “Thank you, Flair” chant going, and we play Rics music again. Replay of the Cobra Clutch slam, and we fade out with the visual of Ric being helped to the back and Joey asking the question: Can anybody beat the big show?

Very not-bad show tonight. As an ECW show, it didn’t really resemble, but as a third hour of Raw, it was more than adequate.

BROWSE THE OO FEATURES ARCHIVE


  
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