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The New ECW? "End that Chanting, Now!" 
August 2, 2006

by Big Danny T 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Rabbit! Rabbit! First day of the month, first thing when you wake up, you’re supposed to say that, or so says my Chinese friend. It’s supposed to bring you good luck. Well, here’s hoping that it brings good luck to ECW, or as those of us of a smarky bent like to call, “Raw: Hour 3.” The past few weeks have been lackluster, to say the least, but here’s hoping that Vince will soon realize that ECW needs to be built up on it’s own merits, not by carting out a Big Show vs. *insert big name WWE wrestler here* every week.
Speaking of which: Big Show is taking on Batista tonight, but what about Sabu’s little love tap last week? Let’s find out, NEXT!

Let the Bodies hit the Floor, and ECW is LIVE and sold out from the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City! (Get a Rope!) Your hosts are Tazz and Joey Styles. The aforementioned Big Show and Batista match is up later, but right now:

Tommy Dreamer and The Extreme Icon, The Sandman (W/ Plot Flashbacks) are here to take on Test and Mike Knox (W/ Kelly Kelley.) Sandman, of course, busts himself open before the match. Oh, and this is Extreme Rules. Entrances take 5 minutes. Tommy tries to look all badass as he enters, but the exuberance from the crowd and possibly some nostalgia at being in the Hammerstein makes him break out in a big grin. Oh, and Kelly is either really selling the whipped girlfriend gimmick, or being in ECW just doesn’t hold the magic for her anymore. She’s smiling, but it doesn’t seem nearly as nervously genuine as it has before.

Bell rings and crowd is instantly on the case with “you suck Dick!” and “She’s got Herpes!” chants. Tommy and Mike ostensibly start, but it doesn’t take long before Sandman rushes in and goes after Test. After a bit of brawling (including a dropkick from Sandman,) bad guys take control, and Test takes too long grabbing the shinnai, giving Tommy time to come in, give Test a shot to the midsection, Sandman to give a mule kick to Knox, and they both hit a synchronized White Russian Leg-sweep/Dreamer DDT. Good guys out for some plunder, setting up a plank with Barbed Wire on it. Crowd goes freaking batshit for this. They tease putting Knox through, but Test is in with the Shinnai to take them both out. Laying the boots to Sandman, and Dreamer is busted open. Test smears Tommy’s blood all over himself, rears back, charges, and Tommy dodges to have Test post himself. Outside of the ring, Knox is being protected by Kelly from a rabid Sandman. He hesitates for a minute, then takes her, rolls her into the ring, and hits Knox with a cane shot. As he chases Knox out through the crowd, Kelly finds herself alone in the ring with Tommy. After a few seconds of trepidation, Tommy lets her know he means her no harm. He spins her around for the appreciative audience, and then makes like he’s going to go all “Gone with the Wind” on her, but then reverses it, puts her over his knee, and proceeds to give her a good old fashioned ECW style spanking, much to the appreciation of the crowd.

Kelly’s spanking is interrupted by Heyman Security Inc. As they beat Tommy down, Paul Heyman gets in the ring and taunts Tommy by hitting his pose, getting a HUGE “you sold out” chant. Heyman then tells the enforcers to put Tommy through the board. As Heyman and his security take their leave, Test re-enters the ring and stands over Tommy. He picks Tommy up, and puts him through the barbed wire again. Tommy picked up one more time, Test hits his spinning F-5 finisher thingy, and he covers for the pin. Play his music, and as we zoom in on various spots of Tommy’s blood left all over the ring, we are off to commercials…

Back, and after an outside shot of the Manhattan center, Heyman is looking to enjoy some quality time at the buffet line, but all the wrasslers are snubbing him. Man, you know you’ve fallen low when Danny Doring is snubbing you. Heyman shrugs, and laments that the guys aren’t understanding what he’s doing. He goes face to face with Sabu. He nods, and says he knows what Sabu wants: The Big Show. And then the unthinkable happens…

“I told you, I want the Big Show!” Sabu speaks! The momentous occasion doesn’t even faze Paul, who says that he appreciates everything that Sabu has done for ECW, but to look at himself. He has sacrificed so much, scarring up his body, destroying his own health all for the entertainment of the fans, and Paul just can’t have that. Now, he can forgive last week, but this week, Sabu must leave the building * gestures to security * or you’ll be escorted out. Before we get Sabu’s response…

Down in some dank corridor, a cameraman stumbles (and I do mean stumbles. The framing for this promo is such that you get the feeling the cameraman has been taking the substances that CM eschews) upon CM Punk. You see, CM is a disciplined man. How does he stay so disciplined? Well, he’s glad you asked! He stays so disciplined by denying himself indulgences. Tonight, he’s going to give into one of his indulgences, tho: the desire to compete. Coming up next, CM Punk Debuts!

Back, and already in the ring is Justin Credible. From world champ to enhancement talent. Oh how the not-so-mighty have fallen, eh, Justin? Here comes CM Punk to something that sounds like Avenged Sevenfold or something.

Mat wrestling to start, and Tazz and Styles bring up all of CM’s prior martial arts and amateur wrestling training at every convenient juncture. Justin gets on his feet, but CM chases him to a corner and applies something that looks like a rope assisted dragon sleeper/Tarantula type move. CM breaks the hold and tries springboarding in, but Justin has him scouted and press slam’s him down in the ring. Cover gets 2. Justin works the back and CM gets a HUGE chant going. Trio of suplexes ends with a northern lights into a bridge, but CM kicks out at 2. Justin applies a half crab. CM powers his way out. Justin looks to work the back some more, but CM surprises him with an elbow. CM brawls Justin down and goes to the top. Flying clothesline gets two on a pinfall. Muy Thai knees to the midsection is followed up with a flying knee in the corner into a bulldog. CM finishes it with an urinage into an armbar/chokehold/keylock submission hold. Justin tries to hold out, but he taps in short order.

From CM’s celebration, we go into a video package of Batista, The Animal. Is he the one that can take the world title from Big Show? We’ll see later…

Oh, and just so you know, The Reject, Shannon Moore is coming. He must have gotten rolled or something, because he’s crouched down looking all dejected on the subway. Oh wait, that’s his gimmick…

But for now, The Brooklyn Brawler is in the ring. He says that normally he’s on Smackdown, but right now, he’s in the perfect place, and that’s ECW! He says that he’ll soon be YOUR ECW world champion.

This is all the sound guy needed to hear, and he fires up “Medal” and here comes Kurt Angle! Kurt goes for an ankle lock quick, Brawler gets to the ropes and gets a few smacks upside the head for his troubles. Brawler is back up, and telling Kurt that he’s not afraid of him. After a shove, Kurt “Zidane’s” Brawler, and locks in another ankle lock for a quick tap. Play his music, Kurt celebrates.

Big Show package this time.

Ariel is “Blah Blah Blah”ing about having to dwell in the dark, but last week, Kevin Thorn(e?) has finally stepped into the light. Kevin (AKA, Fertig the Vampire) steps in, and states that in the dark or the light, ECW’s blood is about to flow, whatever that means…

“Weeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!” Big Show is out for his ‘Raw Hour 3’ title defense against Batista. Crowd chants for RVD, and then here comes Batista. He gets a… less than warm reception from a few of the fans on the entry ramp. He tries a ring corner pose, and gets BOO’D! The boo’s just get worse upon the announcements of the competitors. Cole and Tazz try to cover it by saying that they are getting ‘mixed’ reactions, but there’s no denying that this is not a popular feature when the entire crowd is going “you both suck!” They brawl for a bit, then we go to commercials.

Back, and the boo’s are continuing and a “Same old Shit!” chant gets fired up. In the ring, nothing real special is happening. Brawling, attempts at choke slams blocked, clotheslines, etc. The crowd fires up a “Boooring” and a “Change the Channel!” chant. Wow! Big Show is eating the chants up, tho, and then tries going up top. Batista stops him, and gives him a suplex from the second rope. They do more methodical (Read: Slow) offense, and Batista hits a spear for 2. During another “Boring” chant, Batista eats a chokeslam, and then kicks out at 2. Batista fires up, knocks Big Show down, then goes for the Batista Bomb, but Big Show simply stands up and converts into a Vertibreaker. Cover only gets two, and out of frustration, he waffles Batista with the Title belt, drawing the DQ.

“Here he comes to save the segment!” Sabu rushes out, and tosses a chair into Big Show’s face. While Show is doubled over, Sabu grabs the chair again, and then hits an Arabian facebuster. And for the coupe-de-gracie, he dropkicks a chair into Big Show’s face to send him crashing through the table at ringside. Play his music, the crowd goes wild, and after a few poses, points, and replays of the last few seconds, we are outta here.

Kind of an “Eh” show. When your anchors are a match involving Mike Knox and a main event in which the CROWD was a more entertaining performers than either guy in the ring, you know that something needs to be tweaked. The debut of CM Punk was ok, but let’s see what he can do when he’s put in the ring with someone a little more capable (Like RVD.) I know it’s going to take baby steps to get ECW out from under Raw and Smackdown’s shadow, but I just can’t help but wish those baby steps would come faster…


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