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ECW ON SCI-FI RECAP  
Sabu gets Bigshowicidal 
August 25, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

So I watched ECW on Tuesday night. I spent about a half-hour on it, secure in the knowledge that I didn't have to recap it and therefore was under no obligation to sit through things that bored me. Rick is a proponent of the time-shift for watching wrestling; I, on the other hand, NEVER watch ANYTHING live. Well, except for the occasional baseball game, but even then, I generally hit pause for a half-hour or so while I do something else, then come back and can safely fast-forward through commercials and stuff.
 
So anyway, I didn't watch ECW live, so I skipped a bunch of it that bored me. When I got done, I was just about to hit the delete button, but then I thought, "I guess I better make sure someone recapped it before I delete it." And sure enough, Danny was unavailable to do the recap, and Rick's obsession with reality TV caused his

recording to be deleted before he could do one himself. So here I am, recappening a show that I watched in 30 minutes flat the first time. Did I pay closer attention when I watched it the second time?

BANK ON IT~!

But before I get to that, I just wanted to inform you all of my new goal in life: to make enough money to buy the White Sox so I can fire their announcers, Ken Harrelson and Darrin Jackson ("Hawk and DJ," if you are retarded). I was watching a game the other day, and a White Sox batter struck out looking to end a two-run first inning, and here is what I heard from the announcers:

"Oh wow, that's not a very good call. Oh well, we put two runs up on the board, and after half an inning it's Good Guys two, Twins nothing."

It's like the trifecta of bad announcing: arguing with the umpire about calls, referring to the team in the first person as if you are a part of it, and referring to the team as the "Good Guys." These guys have got to go, and I won't rest until they do.

Let's talk rasslin.

Let's go ahead and let the bodies hit the floor, shall we? We are live from Wilkes-Barre, PA, and tonight, we have a rematch from SummerSlam: Big Show vs. Sabu for the ECW title! But first...

Extreme Bikini Contest: Torrie Wilson vs. Kelly the Expeditionist

I have to admit, I fast-forwarded through this the first time, and hard as I tried not to, I skipped it again the second time. Here's what I got, though: Torrie does her little dance, and just as Kelly starts to dance, Mike Knox and Test show up and stop her from taking off her robe. And that was the intelligent part of the segment! Because then, Tommy Dreamer and Sandman run through the crowd and chase off Knox and Test, along with Kelly. Then Sandman grabs a mic and says, and I quote, "Yo! You three, us three, right here, right now!" What I don't understand is how Kelly ended up a heel here, when all she did was try to show off her bikini. But a heel she is, and we have us a match:

Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, and Torrie Wilson vs. Mike Knox, Test, and Kelly

Torrie starts the match by pulling Kelly into the ring, hitting her a few times, then rubbing her butt on Kelly face in the corner. A "sexy" version of Rikishi's stinkface, I suppose. Then Knox and Dreamer go at it, and Knox dominates Dreamer for a while. The crowd starts a "You can't wrestle," which seems a bit ironic considering Sandman's involvement in the match. But oh well. Tommy finally hits a neckbreaker and gets the hot tag to Sandman, who is the proverbial house afire as he takes out Knox and Test. Sandman hits a suplex on Knox, leaving Knox just a few feet from a neutral corner. But instead of climbing up to THAT top turnbuckle, Sandman wanders over to a different corner, leaving Knox to slide himself ten feet over to get in position for what was coming. (The camera crew did a very good job of hiding it, though, as you only see the first three feet of scooting before they focus on Sandman's face, and the next time we see Knox, he is miraculously in position.) So anyway, Sandman then hits what the announcers call the "Rolling Rock," which makes me thing this is a common enough move from Sandman that it has earned a name. But what it really is Jeff Hardy's Swanton Bomb, after you take out all traces of grace and add in a healthy helping of awkwardness. He hits the move like a man twice his size. But he lands it, and it gets him a two count. Sandman takes Knox up to the top turnbuckle for a superplex, but Knox pushes him down, then misses a top rope legdrop. Sandman tags Tommy, who hits a sweet impaler DDT that I am contractually prohibited from commenting on, and we have a 1-2-3.

Your winners: Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, and Torrie Wilson (4:51). Let's face it, this was not a great match. When the crowd was chanting "You can't wrestle," they literally could have been aiming it at at least four of the six participants. Sandman has absolutely no place in a match that isn't Extreme Rules, and with them only doing one Extreme Rules match per week, there's not much room for him to be a big contributor to the product. Dreamer is always entertaining, but his strengths certainly lie more in the realm of Extreme than in the realm of "carrying a whole bunch of marginal wrestlers to a quality match." So this match was not terrible, but it was utterly fast-forwardable. (Let's just say I enjoyed it more the first time I "watched" it.)

Backstage: Paul Heyman is expressing his concern to Big Show about tonight's title match. Show assures Heyman that if Sabu couldn't beat him in an Extreme Rules match, there's no way he can beat him in a straight match. Too true. Heyman's face at the end gives a tiny hint of the possibility that he is thinking of turning on Show. Not sure if that's what they were going for or not.

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Backstage: Matt Striker says LEARNING is EXTREME! And he is apparently under the impression that misusing words to force alliteration is the same thing as speaking intelligently. Come on, WWE, who are you trying to fool? The guy was a substitute teacher, which means his strengths lie in turning on a movie for a bunch of high school kids and playing Heads Up 7-Up with elementary school kids.

Kevin Thorn vs. Balls Mahoney (Extreme Rules match)

The crowd chants "Balls" every time Balls throws a punch. Other than that, I didn't get anything more out of it when I actually watched it than I did when I skipped through it. Oh, and I noticed (again) that Ariel looks just like Melina. The match ends when Balls goes outside the ring and grabs a chair, then Ariel grabs his leg to prevent him from getting back in the ring, and Balls hold the chair at an awkward angle for several seconds before Thorn finally gets around to kicking it into his face. Then Thorn hits his rope-assisted neckbreaker, and we have a pin.

Your winner: Kevin Thorn (3:00). So Balls is hardcore, I suppose. My wife say Balls and Sabu and wondered aloud if ECW wrestlers are contractually obligated to be ridiculously unattractive. I believe her exact words were, "I think there's a problem when Big Show is the most attractive man on the roster." This match wasn't anything exciting, possibly because I don't care even a little bit about either of these guys.

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Backstage: Shannon Moore sulks, then says, "The system is oppressive." No, really, that's what he said.

CM Punk vs. Christopher W. Anderson

Is this guy related to Arn Anderson? He kinda looks like him. Know what else he looks like? Someone I don't want to watch wrestle. Joey Styles informs us that Anderson has a "left hand like a brick," and Tazz says to watch out for his spinebuster. So we know the match will last long enough for Anderson to land a left hand and a spinebuster, then Punk will win. About two minutes in, Anderson hits his two moves, so it's time for end game. Punk lands his kick to the side of the head, then his "word that rhymes with ‘soggy' but is just a fancy word for a Rock Bottom," and then he locks in his vice submission hold. Anderson promptly taps out.

Your winner: CM Punk (2:42). For those of you keeping score at home, that's three lackluster matches, and zero matches that didn't lack the luster, so to speak.

Backstage: Sabu (with Vaseline camera lens) says that Big Show is going down. Nearly as bad a line as Shannon Moore's.

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The Marine: Lots of hype and a trailer for Cena's new movie. Nothing says "EXTREME" like pimping WWE's movies.

Backstage: Paul Heyman talks to an unseen guest about how none of these ECW guys are as extreme as he is. The camera pans out and we see that he's talking to Bob "Hardcode" Holly. Heyman says the guys in ECW have no respect for him, and he even whispers one specific name to him. I think Holly should have used this brand change to go back to his old name, Therman "Sparky" Plugg. Because we all know sparkplugs are EXTREME!

RVD vs. Danny Doring

I didn't think this match was going to happen. I expected Holly to attack RVD before the match ever got underway. Boy, was I wrong. It turns out the match DID happen, and RVD squashed Doring in short order ...

Your winner: RVD (2:28). ... to set up what happened ...

After the match: Holly attacked RVD and laid him out with a chair. Then he laid out Doring with the chair. Then he hit the Alabama Slam on RVD. Woohoo!?

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Backstage: Rene Dupree is pretty and extreme.

Big Show vs. Sabu (ECW Title)

After the long ring entrances and the main event match announcement, we barely have time for Big Show to dominate with his big man offense and throw Sabu over the top rope before we go to our final...

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When we get back, Show is still in control, and we see that someone has set up a table at ringside. Show dominates for several more minutes, culminating with a bearhug, during which Sabu jabs his thumbs into Show's eyes, temporarily blinding the big man.

Freshly blinded, Big Show tries to hit Sabu with a shoulderblock, but he hits the ref instead. With the ref down, Sabu grabs a chair and goes to town on Show. Chair to the head, top-turnbuckle chair to the head, triple-jump moonsault, Arabian facebuster, cover. There's no ref, and by the time a new ref gets down there to count, Big Show is able to kick out at two. Sabu gets frustrated and goes out and grabs the ringbell, blasting Show with it right in front of the new ref for the disqualification.

Your winner: Big Show (DQ) (7:57). About what you would expect in a non-extreme match between these two guys. You'd hope for a little better finish, but I guess they thought the cheap DQ was the way to go.

After the match: Sabu nails Show with the bell again, sending Show over the top rope and crashing through the table at ringside. A much better table bump from Show than a few weeks ago, when he turned so he could see where he was falling before going down.

Analysis: Bright side first: Torrie Wilson was the only active member of a Raw or Smackdown roster to show up tonight. That's good.

But there's some bad and even more underwhelming to go along with it. Hardcore Holly has no business on my TV in any capacity. I am glad he's healthy, but I wish he was healthy somewhere else.

The feud between Knox/Test and Dreamer/Sandman wasn't any worse than other weeks, except in one glaring way: there was no Heyman involvement, which means there was no sizzle to it. With Heyman involved, there is the feeling that the feud is part of a bigger story, the story of Heyman turning on the true ECW. With no Heyman, there is a feeling that you have a bunch of guys who aren't very good wrestlers fighting with each other.

With the possible exception of the main event, every match was either boring or told no story, or possibly both. Even CM Punk, who the fans want to care about, was stuck in a match with some Christopher W. Anderson, whose middle initial would be F. if it wasn't already W.

So no, this was not good episodic television. When this episode ended, I had no desire to watch next week. Not what we're looking for, guys.

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