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Heyman's Helpers 
August 31, 2006

by Jeff J. Snider 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Sorry this one's a little late, folks. I ended up spending about 18 hours at the office on Tuesday, which delayed my viewing of Raw, and obsessive-compulsive jackhole that I am, I can't watch ECW until I have watched Raw. So anyway, here I am, through rain or snow or a job that makes me work.
Let me touch on last week's episode of ECW really quick, though. As you recall if you read my recap, I didn't like the show. I thought it was uneventful and pointless, and even though the final segment advanced a storyline (with Sabu nailing Big Show with the ring bell), it came across to me as lazy and unimaginative. Rick, on the other

hand, thought the show was pretty good, to the point of putting a fairly positive blurb next to the link for a fairly negative recap. I actually read his blurb and thought he got someone else to write a recap instead of mine, but nope -- it was mine.

So anyway, you've seen the blurb that led to this recap. Was it positive or negative? And will the recap match the blurb?


Last week: Sabu lost to Big Show by DQ, but it was a moral victory aided by a ringbell and a table.

Backstage: Close-up of Paul Heyman, and he doesn't look happy. ECW is his baby, his concept, his life. "I've never wrestled in an ECW ring, because I've never had to -- until tonight." Tonight, Dr. Frankenstein must destroy his own monster, and that monster is Sabu.

ECW Theme, no pyro cuz pyro's not extreme, and we are live from Reading, PA. Tazz and Styles welcome us, and then we go immediately to our first match.

Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly

We start with immediate fisticuffs, and RVD gets the early advantage due to being roughly eight times as fast as Holly. But Holly's got the strength advantage, and he quickly uses it to gain control. They end up outside the ring, and Holly goes for a suplex, but RVD counters and sets Sparky up on the barricade. Spinning legdrop off the apron connects, and RVD rolls Holly back into the ring.

Van Dam goes for ten punches on the turnbuckle, but after seven or eight, Holly goes for the Alabama Slam. RVD counters by grabbing the top rope, so Holly just tosses him over the rope and down to the floor. This begins an extended advantage for Holly, during which I get distracted thinking about...

Hardcore Holly and the Sandman should start a club. They could call it the "We started beating people up when we got tired of being picked on for our overbites and receding hairlines" club. They are totally the same person in my mind, and I just don't like that person.

Anyway, RVD regains control somehow, and he lands a Rolling Thunder. He goes up for the Five-Star, but he misses when Holly rolls out of the way. Holly goes outside and grabs a chair, but RVD ducks when he tries to use it. RVD lands a kick, then picks up the chair and says, "I agree with Shannon Moore: the system IS oppressive. I shall now bash Sparky Plugg with a chair." And so it is. Three chair whacks to Holly, the last on sending him into the crowd, and RVD hits the ring to point to himself.

Your winner: Hardcore Holly (DQ) (5:35). I am torn. I always like it when RVD is on my television; I never like it when Holly is. So what happens when they both are? I find myself moderately entertained, while the back of my mind grumbles about Holly. Oh well, it could be worse.


Backstage: Rene Dupree says that exercise bikes and bad hair are EXTREME!

Video Package: Big Show's exploits with DX. They've done a good job the last few weeks of keeping ECW and WWE separate (at least on ECW television), but this seems to be a step back in the other direction. Especially when it is followed by...

In the ring: Big Show has a mic, and he challenges DX to a handicap match next week. So much for the separation.


Backstage: Shannon Moore's tidbit for this week: "Fight the power."

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards

Here's my take on CM Punk: he isn't a big enough star to keep me interested while he fights losers. Two matches against Aldo Montoya Credible, one against Christopher W. Anderson, and now one against Stevie Richards? Heck, at this pace, he'll be fighting Little Guido before the year is out!

I am not the only one who is less than enthralled with this match; the crowd seems to not give much thought to it, either. I decide not to write anything until something interesting happens, but then I decide I need to write about the end of the match anyway. So Punk hits his Soggy Bottom (that's what I am calling his Rock Bottom that Tazz calls a word that rhymes with soggy), then he locks in his Anaconda Vice. Stevie tries to hold out, but he finally taps.

Your winner: CM Punk (4:10). Like I said, not much to care about in this match. I'm not sure why they did two matches with The Incredible Man-o-War if they also planned on jobbing other guys to him, too. It's old, and he needs to fight someone more credible (pun intended) quickly.

Video Package: Sabu has been beating people up, most notably the Big Show.


Movie stuff: The Marine. I can't wait to see this flick. Totally.

In the ring: Matt Striker has a mic and a desk and a chalkboard and stuff. He asks why we don't realize he is here to help us. We boo him, but we cheer for unsavory characters like the Sandman. Gee, I wonder who's gonna come down. Sure enough, as Striker rants about beer and brawling, Sandman comes down for a fight. Striker hangs out in the ring looking scared while Sandman does his thirty-minute walk through the crowd, but then Striker nails Sandman with the chalkboard. He attacks with a stapler, then heads backstage, leaving Sandman to look angry and bloody in the ring.


Backstage: Balls Mahoney is about to introduce himself to us again, but Kelly stops by and, after making sure that Mike Knox isn't around, reminds Balls both verbally and visually that she is an Expeditionist. Tazz laments that the good looking guys like Balls get all the ladies.

Ringside: Tazz and Styles talk about Angle's release and wish him the best.

Backstage: Sabu says that tonight, he will massacre Paul Heyman.

Paul Heyman vs. Ads

We get Heyman's entrance (along with his henchmen), then we go to our final...


Paul Heyman vs. Sabu (Extreme Rules match)

We get Sabu's entrance, and the henchmen immediately go after him. Sabu takes them both out, and is about to go for a triple-jump, but he sees Big Show at ringside, so he jumps on him and hits a DDT on the floor. But the three-on-one is too much, and Sabu proceeds to get beat up by Show and the Henchmen.

Big Show eventually calls for a table to be set up at ringside, and the henchmen dutifully set it up. Sabu tries a couple times to fight back, but every attempt it rebuffed. Show finally picks him up over his head, as if to throw him over the top rope and down through the table, but RVD shows up and puts a stop to that. RVD and Sabu (who have apparently forgotten that it's only been a couple weeks since they faced off for a title shot) work together to take out all three of Heyman's goons, and it looks as if Sabu might pull off the victory. He hits an Arabian Facebuster on Heyman, then RVD lays Heyman across the table. Sabu sets up for a triple jump down through Heyman and the table, but Big Show catches him after the second jump. From there, it's all academic, as Show takes care of Sabu and Hardcore Holly comes down to put RVD through the table with an Alabama Slam. Heyman covered Sabu, and we have a pin.

Your winner: Paul Heyman (8:35). Definitely a sports-entertainment package more than a wrestling match, but it was thoroughly enjoyable, never boring, and told a story. You can't ask for much more than that.

After the match: Holly gets another table and sets it up in the ring, and Big Show chokeslams Sabu through it. Show does a little DX chop over Sabu's body, and Heyman yells in Sabu's face as we leave.

Analysis: The undercard was underwhelmingly tolerable, but the main event was very, very fun. If Bob Holly is going to be on my TV, he might as well be serving a purpose, and being one of Heyman's hired goons fits well. I liked this episode a lot more than last week's, which means that Rick's blurb should be negative.


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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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