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Attention, Jeff Jarrett: You Have a Call
on the Red Courtesy Phone...
September 2, 2006

by Jason Longshore 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Tell me how this makes sense, the Video Music Awards giving out a Ringtone of the Year award. Didn’t the VMA’s used to be a big deal? It’s almost sad how bad it has become, but I guess the same goes for MTV in general. It’s not sad, just pathetic, how seriously Kanye West takes himself.

C’mon, if you know me, you know I could get off the music topic without taking a crack at Kanye.

Alright, time for the main event of the evening, Impact!

A video recap of last week’s episode brings us to Orlando, and Moody Jack introducing the new NWA World Tag Team champions. Konnan grabs a mic and brags about LAX’s accomplishments. He dedicates the tag titles to the 50 million “legal and illegal” immigrants in the US. He dedicated them to the legendary Hispanic wrestlers of the past. The crowd cheers loudly for the Eddie Guerrero mention, but Konnan says he doesn’t want their “fake applause” and he hates all the gringos.

Christopher Daniels interrupts via the PandaTron with AJ Styles. He announces that they will have their rematch at No Surrender in September. AJ announces that the match will be the first ever, tag team Ultimate X match. That could be amazing, or a ridiculously large trainwreck.


Sabin really needs to stop with the finger gun stuff. Don West freaks out about Jeff Jarrett’s promised “public execution” later tonight. Sabin blocks the side Canadian leg sweep. Lethal comes in and they double team Petey with a neck breaker followed by a dropkick to the back of the head.

After commercials, Senshi takes Lethal down in the ring. Lethal and Senshi trade chops and kicks. Senshi repeatedly kicks Lethal in the chest. Petey tags in, and sings a little of his national anthem. Petey locks in a sweet armbar/chinlock combo. Lethal fights out, but a Petey spin kick gets two. Senshi comes in to chop the crap out of the Lethal. Jay comes back with his cartwheel/dropkick combo. Tenay talks about LAX is affecting “the financial bottom line” of the company, and that Cornette is investigating it. Everybody’s brawling, Sabin hits the hesitation dropkick on Petey for a two count. Petey blocks the Cradle Shock. Sabin finally does get it, but Senshi saves Petey. Sabin avoids the Canadian Destroyer, and pushes Petey into Senshi. Senshi gets pissed, and doesn’t save Petey while Sabin pins him.

Bobby Roode is back, bragging about his greatness. He says he’s going to the outside for more managerial candidates. He says he’s bringing the interview process to Impact next week. Oh goodie, I can’t wait…

A commercial for the TNA Knockouts DVD brings us back from commercial.


Poor Shark Boy, he isn’t the ImpactZone favorite now that Eric Young has become everybody’s goofy buddy. Young shakes hands with Sharky, and actually does it for real. He’s so nice. He trades arm wringers with Sharky. Sharky gets booed for going for the Dreaded Ass Bite of Doom. Young escapes it, and he bites Shark Boy’s ass. Sharky is incensed. A neckbreaker from Shark Boy gets a two. Young counters a Dead Sea Drop attempt. Young wins with a backdrop into a Cutter kind of move out of nowhere.

Homeless Earl Hebner attacks Slick Johnson again, screaming about how he’s not taking the fall for Zybysko or Jeff Jarrett. Tenay acts all shocked about the mention of Jarrett’s name, I guess he missed it the first time, or in the subsequent replays of that first attack. Pay attention Mike.

A video recap of the Christian/Rhino situation is up next. Borash is with Christian backstage, saying that fans are unsure of Christian’s motives. Christian says that he’s teaching lessons these days. He says that he’s the biggest star in the company, and everyone’s meal ticket. He says anyone can step up to him if they have a problem with that. Ron Killings takes him up on that. He says that Christian isn’t “man enough” to handle Sting, Rhino, or the Truth. Christian says that Killings won’t be the first rapping poser who’s ass he’s kicked. They brawl before security breaks it up.

They run the “A Starr Is Born” image for Bound for Glory again as we head to commercial.

A really cool video sets up the 10,000 Thumb Tacks match…


You have to put your opponent into the tacks to win the match. Runt charges to the ring, and hits an early Acid Drop. He climbs up one of the poles and grabs a bag of tacks. He swings the bag at Abyss, clocking him repeatedly. Raven watches the match. Abyss catches Runt on the outside and slams him into the ringpost. Abyss goes to grab a table, he sets it up near the ramp and stage. Mitchell helps Abyss lay a board covered with tacks on top of the table as we head to commercial.

Abyss and Mitchell bring a second tack covered board and table over to make a table and tack stack. This could be interesting. Abyss sets up for the powerbomb, but Runt fights out. Runt beats on Abyss down the ramp, but Abyss cuts him off. Abyss sets Runt up above the tacks, but Runt moves away. Runt goes for another Acid Drop, but Abyss counters and slams Runt into the pile of tacks in the ring.

Raven is not pleased as he looks on. Abyss keeps beating on Runt after the match. Runt has a crap ton of tacks in his arm. Abyss drags Runt up the ramp. He sets Runt up for a press slam, but Raven makes the save. They fight it out on the stage, with Raven eventually knocking Abyss through the tack covered tables with the dreaded knee lift. He then does his crucifix pose with Runt across his back. Guys then march in for the “public execution”. Really odd…

A video recap of the Jarrett/Sting stuff brings us back from commercials. Jarrett says that the fans don’t know what’s good for them. I want to know where Sting has gone, my guess is the Circle K.

Jarrett’s music hits, and we’re treated to his PandaTron video. He comes out in a white shirt, but sadly, no white pants. There’s a tombstone that says “Sting R.I.P.” in the ring. Jarrett starts screaming at some fan, and gets security to throw a guy out who threw a bottle at him. He says that he’ll whip the guy’s old lady and kids. The fans are even more pissed than usual now. Jarrett gives us a history lesson on capital punishment, something that’s alive and well on Planet Jarrett. He votes against using the firing squad method, and the hanging method. He says his weapon of choice is the pen though, he says that by executing the contract for the match, he’s signaling for the end of Sting’s career. He promises to leave Sting in a pool of blood in Detroit.

A red phone rings at the announce table, and Jarrett screams at West to answer it. It’s Cornette on the phone, and West plugs him into the ImpactZone. Cornette says that he’s sick of Jarrett’s ploys, whining, and conspiracies. Cornette says that next week, they’ll be putting Jarrett on public trial. He says that since Jarrett kept making promises about passing polygraph tests, he’s going to take him up on the offer. If he passes the test, he can have time off until Bound for Glory like Sting. If he fails any part of it, Cornette promises that the fans will have their chance to get revenge on Jarrett.


· Interesting show tonight, although it was a little light on the wrestling.

· When did West and Tenay get a red courtesy phone? I almost hope that becomes a recurring storyline, mainly because of the goofy look on West’s face when the phone started ringing.

· What do they have in store for Jarrett? Some of these fans would wet themselves at the chance to get their hands on Uncle Jeff.

· Prior to the phone call, the main event promo was pretty lame. Sorry Jeff, it just didn’t work all that well. You can only draw the play on words with “execution” out so far.

· I was about to break out some thumb tacks of my own if they didn’t use the Table Tack Stack, thanks Raven! Poor Runt, he’s slowly turning into a pin cushion before our very own eyes. Like I said before, I’m looking forward to some Mitchell v. Raven promo battles.

· Nice little segment to set up next week’s Christian v. Killings match. I’m looking forward to it, I hope it’s not one of the Ron’s last TNA matches. I really wish they could come up with more for the guy to do, he’s been lost in the shuffle for way too long.

· Will we get some resolution to the Zybysko/Hebner/Slick/Jarrett/Cornette deal next week? Probably not…

· Fun little Shark Boy/Eric Young match in the middle of the show. The time is nearing for Young to go up against some more credible opponents though. Besides being funny, the guy can actually go in the ring, so let him loose.

· I’ve defended Sabin for a while now, but he could use some time away from the ImpactZone at this point. He’s grown really stale, and his little finger bang thing he does isn’t helping. He just seems like an afterthought in every segment he’s in.

· Tag team Ultimate X? I’m intrigued. This will definitely put the new belt securing methods to the test. We’ve seen Daniels and AJ in the UX matches before, I’m curious to see what Homicide has in mind. At this point, that has to be the main event of the No Surrender PPV.

Next week, we have the public polygraph test of Uncle Jeff and a Christian v. Ron Killings match. Until then…


Jason Longshore is your second-most-favorite wrestling fan/writer from Atlanta, GA.


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