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Jackass, the Movie: the TV Show
September 9, 2006

by Jason Longshore 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Long week this time around for yours truly. The coed soccer season has started, and while last week's game showed some promise, this week's shellacking wasn't what I had in mind. All of our girls are starting to get injured too, never a good thing. I had a chance to go see Raw for free this week, but had to pass it up due to

some work commitments. Well, at least the week's almost done and we can start it all over anew on Monday.

Enough rambling bitching from me, let's get to Impact...

A video replay of Jarrett's "public execution" brings us to the show this week. Borash is backstage with Jarrett, who is actually dressed normally for once. Eric Young shows up and has dyed his hair black. He says it happened with a "lady, a deck of cards, and some alcohol." Young says he can relate to having his career on the line. He says that he has an uncle who knows all the tricks on passing a polygraph, and he'll teach Jeff.

Fireworks and lasers ahoy.

LAX V. ???

This is a non-title match against the Mack Brothers, who get no introduction, just a graphic. Hernandez chops the ever loving crap out of Mack #1. Tenay tells us their names are Kirby and TJ. Yeah, they're not winning anything. Homicide has a pin, but TJ breaks it up. He tries to roll up Hernandez, but ends up getting the Cracker Jack instead. Homicide hits the Gringo Killa, and Hernandez tosses the other Mack over top of them. Needless to say, that's it for the Macks.

Konnan brings out a poster for the PPV, and he's not happy that AJ and Daniels are on the poster and LAX are not. He then calls them hoes again. He says that AJ will have to go back to doing dark matches, and Daniels will have to join the Blue Man Group in Vegas. AJ's music hits and they brawl in the ring. Homicide gets tossed. They both hit Hernandez with running knee shots and take him to the outside as well. Daniels climbs up on the Ultimate X structure and puts the tag belts up there.

The "polygraph specialist" is getting everything set up backstage. Slick Johnson comes running down the hall to talk to Cornette, who looks like he's not the biggest fan of Slick. They also show Christian looking quite smug backstage.

Roode is backstage by a limo and opens the door to reveal Bobby Heenan. The Brain gives his sales pitch to Roode, and Roode says he'll be in touch.

Sabin, Dutt, and Lethal are backstage watching the trailer for the new Jackass movie. Jerry Lynn is not very pleased with the slacking off. Sabin says they're getting some ideas.


Harris brings Gail Kim over to show off her ass to Don West. Don approves. The James Gang seem to have gotten the short straw on partners here. They attack BG before he can finish his mic work. Kip tosses Storm around for a while, then BG comes in with a basement dropkick. BG goes for the Shake, Rattle, and Roll, but Storm ducks. BG distracts him long enough for Shark Boy to come in with the Ass Bite of Doom. Storm crawls over to the corner and Harris tags in. Smiley tags in and distracts him with his dancing. He almost gets the Big Wiggle on Harris, but Maverick Matt breaks it up. Everybody's brawling at this point. Storm nails Smiley with a superkick, after Gail grabbed Norman's leg. That wins the match for AMW's team.

Post-match, Storm is pissed that Harris got the pin instead of him. Harris gives Storm the double Stone Cold salute and leaves the ring. Gail tries to keep everybody together, to no avail.

Young has Jarrett doing all sorts of crazy things to calm his nerves. He's aligning his chi. Young says, "Remember, Roe v. Wade, the OJ trial, we're calm." Young is talking all sorts of jibberish about the questions, so Borash says we're going to need more time.

Tenay has an interview with Shane Douglas and The Naturals. Douglas says that he's done everything for a reason. At the PPV, they have to beat seven other teams to get their tag title shot. Douglas says that if The Naturals don't get the job done at the PPV, he's ending the experiment. Stevens gets pissed and they argue.

A Starr Is Born at Bound for Glory.

Raven gives us a history lesson. He says that he created his own family in 1995 from scratch, like Dr. Frankenstein. He says his personal favorite has always been Runt. He says Abyss wasn't given permission to play with Runt. He says that next week, we'll see Raven v. Abyss in a Hangman's Horror Match. Raven was dashing in his white suit, very dapper.


Tenay is not a big fan of Christian these days, calling him a snake. Killings comes out to usual great reaction. Memo to TNA: sign Killings to a new contract and actually give him a push this time. Tenay calls it a PPV quality match. They trade punches, until Christian goes low with the knee. Killings gets the better of the punches, and eventually hits his spinning forearm smash. Killings goes for a choke hold, instead of the pin. Killings gets knocked to the apron, and climbs back up on the top rope. Christian attacks, but Killings jumps over him and lands in a split in the ring. He follows that up with the heel kick, and I'm quite impressed with the upgrade on his patented move. Christian ends up on the apron, and tries to climb the turnbuckle. Killings takes him to the outside with the springboard dropkick. The Truth follows up with a plancha and they're both out as we head to commercial.

Christian is in control when we come back. He hit Storm's 8 Second Ride during the commercial. A neckbreaker leaves Killings down, and Christian mocks him. The crowd is not pleased. An inverted backbreaker gets a two count. Christian asks where his peeps are at, and a few people cheer. He locks in a chinlock/head-vice. Randy Orton should take some notes on how to be a jackass from Christian. A back elbow gets another two count. Back to the chinlock, and the crowd tries to help Killings rally. Killings scores with an elbow, and Christian catches him on the turnbuckle. Killings headbutts Christian off, and hits a leg drop from the second rope. Christian kicks out at two. Killings gest the better of the midring exchange, and takes Christian down with clotheslines. Killings hits a suplex/stunner combo move for a two count. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but gets countered. Killings sets up for the axe kick, but Christian avoids it. Killings gets a roll up, but Christian kicks out again. Christian ducks the leg lariat, and takes him down with a clothesline. Killings gets up, and Christian takes him down with a spear. Killings knocks Christian into the ref. Killings hits D'Lo Brown's old Low Down move, but the ref is too slow to count. Christian kicks him in the gut, and hits the Unprettier for the win. Nice smirk from Christian before hitting the move.

Christian grabs a couple of chair and goes back to the ring. He shoves the ref out of the way, and sets up for the Conchairto. Rhino breaks it up and he beats on Christian for a while. Christian runs like a small child hiding from his mom with her belt. Rhino grabs a mic, and says that Christian ran out like a little girl. Close enough. Rhino says that Christian ended their friendship a couple of weeks ago in the ring. Rhino challenges Christian to a match at No Surrender. Rhino says that he'll cut Christian in half with a Gore.

Borash is outside of Cornette's office, saying that the test has concluded. He says that Jarrett answered every question asked of him. Jarrett comes out of the office, and says that Eric Young is the superstar of the night. He says he has a job for life now, and Jarrett's going to take him out on the town tonight. Jarrett also thanks Eric's Uncle Leo in the lodge in Saskatoon. Jarrett says he's now going to go away for a while, and get spooky like Sting. We'll learn the results in the ring.

A sweet video hyping the Ultimate X match at the PPV brings us back.

Cornette is in the ring. He announces that Rhino will face Christian at No Surrender. He brings us up to speed on the Jeff Jarrett/Hebner/Zybysko/Christian situation. He brings Jarrett down to the ring. Young comes out with him, and is freaked out by Jarrett's pyro. Cornette says he doesn't know why Young is out here. Cornette does give us the disclaimer that polygraph tests are not admissable in court because some "pathological liars" can beat them. Cornette boils it down to three questions. Question #1 is if Jarrett had anything to do with Christian's actions against Sting at Hard Justice. Jarrett said no, and that's the truth. West says he believes it. Tenay seems skeptical. Question #2 is if Jarrett had anything to do with Hebner's actions at Slammiversary. Jarrett said no, and that's the truth. Tenay is irate, as is West. Question #3 is if Jarrett has worked with Zybysko in the last year to influence matches and outcomes to retain or regain the NWA World title. Jarrett said no, and the polygraph says "You're a damn liar." Tenay gets positively orgasmic. Jarrett points at Young, blaming him. The crowd chants, "Jeff's a liar". Cornette says that when Jarrett's lips are moving, he's lying. He says that he's going to give the fans a chance to get even. Cornette says that he can't make Jarrett defend the title at No Surrender, because that wouldn't be fair to Sting. He announces that a bunch of fans will be around the ring with leather straps. Tenay tells us that we can find out how to get involved at TNA's website. The fans will have the authority to whip the "begeezus" out of Jarrett until he gets back in the ring. Cornette says he almost forgot to announce who he's going to wrestle. The crowd starts chanting for Joe. Cornette gives them what they want. The look on Jarrett's face is priceless. Cornette starts the "Joe's gonna kill you" chant.


  • More wrestling this week, which is always a good thing. The Christian/Killings match was very good, and the 8-man tag was a lot of fun while it lasted. LAX made their match good with the finishing sequence.
  • I wonder what's going to happen with Eric Young now that no one's really a fan of his. Poor Eric.
  • Can we get rid of Borash? Let him do the bumper things and let Christy do the backstage interviews. It's time for a different dynamic, because Borash sucks.
  • Christian has dialed up the jackassery to 11 these days, I'm impressed. The smirk before hitting the Unprettier was perfect. He's a good counter as a top heel to Jarrett's chickenshit variety.
  • I'll say it again, please bring back Killings, TNA. And while you're at it, give him a real push this time around. I don't want to see him end up jobbing on Internet Heat.
  • The AMW bitchery is pretty decent, are we actually going to try Harris v. Storm again? If it involves them fighting over Gail Kim, that could work. I think Storm could actually work as a drunken babyface, and would get a big push from getting screwed over by Harris and Gail.
  • Nice play on the backstage history with Raven and the Dudleys. I had read that Raven was the one who came up with the concept for the Dudleys, but not much else. Good segment because it gave a little something to the hardcore fans who would know enough of the story, and the casual fans who would just buy into it. I do want a James Mitchell promo retort next week though.
  • I'm kind of bored with the Shane Douglas/Naturals deal at this point. Maybe some conflict between them could breathe some new life into it, I'm not sure.
  • If Bam Margera makes a cameo at the ImpactZone, I might vomit.
  • I hope TNA's getting some cash out of this Jackass promotion, otherwise it screams of WCW hyping up that stupid American Gladiators rip off on Thunder.
  • Hernadez tossing Mack #2 over Homicide and Mack #1 was the move of the night, very impressive. Good bit by Konnan bitching about the No Surrender poster too.

That's it from here. We'll see what's in store next week. Until then...


Jason Longshore is your second-most-favorite wrestling fan/writer from Atlanta, GA.


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