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TNA IMPACT RECAP  
Jeff Jarrett Under Siege
September 16, 2006

by Jason Longshore 
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

No time for an elongated, rambling intro tonight, it’s time for the show.

A video recap of the dreaded polygraph results kicks Impact off tonight. Cornette screaming about Jarrett getting the “bejeezus” whipped out of him seemed to get him a little excited.

Fireworks and lasers welcome us to the ImpactZone, as does So Cal Val...

 
Tenay and West pimp the violence of the Hangman's Horror match between Raven and Abyss. West also talks about the Ultimate X tag title match, which leads us to a hype video for the upcoming PPV match.

MAVERICK MATT/KAZARIAN V. AJ STYLES/CHRISTOPHER DANIELS

Highlights from the Ultimate X match between AJ, Kazarian, and Matt are shown before the match starts. Daniels and AJ are in the matching red and black tonight, while Slick Johnson is still a douche ref in shorts and black socks. The crowd chants for Daniels, while no one really cares about Kazarian. Daniels takes him down with a sweet kick for a two count. Maverick Matt tags in, and promptly gets taken down. AJ tags in and keeps working Matt's arm. The Maverick one starts a comeback with punches. AJ takes him down with his patented dropkick for a two count. Daniels tags in and they debut a new double team combination to get another two count. Kazarian gets a tag and catches Daniels with a springboard clothesline for a two count. Maverick Matt tags in and they hit a double team kick/neckbreaker combo for two as we head to commercial.

We come back with Daniels getting beat up in the corner, Kazarian steals Jeff Hardy's basement dropkick in the corner for a two count. Kazarian takes him down a sweet kick and Maverick Matt follows up with a choke. Daniels comes back with the STO and he gets the hot tag to AJ. Styles breaks out a sweet backbreaker on Kazarian for a two count. He follows that with an even sweeter faceplant move. Kazarian gets taken to the outside, and AJ and Daniels hit their version of Total Elimination. Daniels goes for the BME, AJ hits the frog splash, and this match is over.

Zybysko is screaming at Eric Young backstage. Jarrett shows up in a pink and brown striped shirt and I'm laughing too hard to even keep up with what he's saying. He sends Young to scout out Sting's training methods. He then sends Zybysko to Cornette's “town hall” meeting to try to get him out of the Samoa Joe match. I'm still laughing at Jarrett though...

ALEX SHELLEY V. CHRIS SABIN

No Johnny Devine and no camera tonight. They show highlights of Sabin and his buddies watching the Jackass movie last week. Tenay and West talk about Sabin watching Jackass instead of scouting Senshi for his title match at the PPV. Speaking of which, Senshi comes out to watch this match from the stage. Shelley takes Sabin down, but Sabin reverses things. He takes Shelley down with a shoulder block. He takes him down with a hurricanrana to the outside. Sabin follows that with a suicide dive up against the guardrail. Shelley cuts him off when they head back to the ring and they trade punches. Shelley rakes the eyes to take the shortcut. A snapmare is followed up with a sweet kick to the back for a two count on Sabin. Sabin avoids the Lionsault after Shelley's taunts. Sabin hits a nice springboard dropkick, and follows that up with a Yakuza kick in the corner. Tree of Woe is followed up with the hesitation dropkick for another two count. Shelley comes back with a dropkick. Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt show up on the stage with Johnny Devine in a shopping cart. They wheel him down the ramp into the ringpost. Sabin takes advantage and rolls up Shelley for the win.

Eric Young comes down with the camera and drags Shelley off so they can go find Sting. Tenay and West hype the PPV some more, and then throw it to a video package on the Rhino/Christian feud. This one is complete with home video footage of young Rhino and young Christian in training. “He needs people like me to be great, to put food on his table,” Christian says.

A Starr Is Born at Bound for Glory, as we've heard.

A video package leads us into...

HANGMAN'S HORROR MATCH: RAVEN V. ABYSS

I wish Raven was wrestling in his spiffy white suit from the video package. Tenay touches on the long history between James Mitchell and Raven, calling it “sick and perverted”. That wouldn't be exactly the way I would describe it, but whatever. Raven comes out of the crowd, and falls down the stairs. Abyss whips Raven into the ringside chairs. Abyss gets tossed over the rail and onto the ramp. Raven comes back with a side Russian leg sweep into the guard rail, and they head to the ring. Raven hits his series of punches, but Abyss counters by busting a dry erase board over Raven's head. That leads us to a commercial break...

Abyss hits Raven in the chest with a chair as we come back. Tenay tells us that Raven's busted open, but he's still able to rack Abyss with a chair on a splash attempt. Poor Abyss always falls for that move. Raven puts the dog collars on Abyss, and he brings some plunder into the ring. He wails on Abyss with trash can lids, and then hits Abyss with the bottom of a trash can. Mitchell gets into the ring, and he gets collared as well. The distraction gave Abyss time to get out of the collars, and he saves Mitchell. Abyss kicks a chair into Raven, which sends him to the outside. Abyss chokes Raven over the top rope and the ref calls for the bell.

Runt shows up and hits Abyss with one of the best chair tosses I've ever seen. Runt helps Raven up, and then hits him with the Acid Drop. What the hell?

Bobby Roode is interviewing “the Colonel” in his limo. “The Colonel” tells us about having Steve Austin and Mick Foley back in the day, and says he can help Roode in the same way. Yippee, let's bring out someone that 95% of the people watching this show won't know.

Borash is backstage with LAX and the dancing chicas. Konnan says that things are really personal now. He says LAX will be lurking everywhere AJ and Daniels go, even when they're watching Larry the Cable Guy.

Do you hate Jeff Jarrett? Send a video to TNA and you might be on Impact. Go to TNA's website for more details.

Cornette is yelling in the ring to introduce us to the first TNA Town Hall Meeting. He says Jarrett is between Osama and “crotch rot” on the popularity poll, in the line of the night. Cornette says that Earl Hebner has been reinstated for one more chance. Cornette says that he will have a closed door meeting with Zybysko in the near future to discuss Zybysko's future in TNA. Cornette brings out Samoa Joe, and Don West's head explodes. Joe says he's going to punish Jarrett for his crimes against the fans of TNA. He declares ownership of Jarrett's ass. Zybysko's peppy music hits and he comes down to the ring. Larry wants to talk about his future with Cornette right now. Zybysko talks about how great he did before Cornette showed up. He says that as the head of the Championship Committee, he demands that Cornette take Jarrett out of the “Revenge of the Nerds” match. Cornette yells at Zybysko, and tells him to leave the ring. Larry says he's not leaving, so Joe whips the hell out of him. The fans whip Larry as he heads up the ramp. Jarrett comes out with a chair to make the save, and knocks a female fan over. He then starts whipping her, and other fans who try to interfere. Now, that's dastardly...

POINTS OF RANDOMNESS

· Fun opening match. It’s sad how little of a reaction Matt and Kazarian get these days. This would have been an epic, PPV-quality match a year or two ago.

· Please help Maverick Matt find his last name again.

· Jarrett’s pink and brown shirt, complete with backwards baseball hat, was classy. If only he had popped his collar…

· The Jackass thing is really stupid. If the Kevin Nash deal wasn’t getting Sabin over, I don’t think his newfound love for Wee Man is going to do it. If he beats the crap out of Bam Margera, that might do the trick though…

· Great video package on Rhino/Christian. Christian hit a couple of classic lines in this one, he’s so good at being a prick.

· Hangman’s Horror was alright, but seemed a little lacking. I don’t know what to make of the deal with Runt after the match, I’d like to see where that’s headed.

· Somehow, the Bobby Roode deal just keeps getting worse. Who’s he going to interview next week, the manager of the local Jiffy Lube? That would be as compelling as this week with “The Colonel”.

· There was too much going on in the LAX interview and it took away from the intensity of the feud so far. Just keep it simple with a lot of hatred here, save the dancing chicas for somebody like Maverick Matt. Speaking of which, where in the blue hell is Traci???

· The main event promo deal has to stop, TNA’s been relying on this far too often lately. Cornette saying “crotch rot” on TV almost made up for it. Jarrett did bring dastardly back with his shenanigans, bonus points to him.

EXTRA SPECIAL RANDOMNESS

Impact came a little later than usual for me because I headed over to the Masquerade in Atlanta for the Rock-N-Shock show Thursday night. It was a benefit for local wrestler Sean “Shocker” Evans, who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. He appeared on Heat and Velocity most recently, and also spent time in WCW. Some TNA personalities, along with former WCW stars and WWE’s Lita, were on hand. Here’s some random thoughts on the night:

· I walked in as the show was starting with an 8 man battle royal of local indy guys. I didn’t catch any of the names, but the tubbiest guy won. The ring was set up in the middle of the concert room, which was pretty interesting.

· A local band played after the battle royal, and they sucked mightily. I can’t say I’m really into the whole “I’m going to just scream random nonsense while by bandmates play as loudly as possible” style of music.

· I checked out the silent auction items, and was surprised at the amount of stuff that was donated. Tons of WWE stuff, including a bunch of autographed shirts. A buddy of mine got the autographed Finlay shirt for $20. Sadly, I don’t think anybody ponied up the $35 for the autographed DX shirt…

· Black Pegasus (who looked like Shane Helms’ little brother in a mask) v. Simon Sermon was up next. Simon was your typical snotty Brit who looked like he was really into A Flock of Seagulls.

· The “King of Controversy” Kanyon was out next to face off with Onyx. I don’t remember if Onyx was ever in WCW, but he was one of Jarrett’s lackeys a couple of years ago in TNA. He’s like a shorter version of Bobby Lashley. He does have the greatest manager in wrestling today, Mr. Monopoly Man. MMM was wearing a shiny purple suit and black top hat, and he told us that he had “more juice than Tropicana.” Onyx did slam Kanyon on the bar in front of us, followed up by a hip toss onto a Coke cooler, but Kanyon ended up getting the win.

· Big Ron Reese (formerly of Raven’s Flock) teamed with an old guy who looked like a high school football coach to take on the intimidating team of Gilligan (I’m not kidding) and Scotty Beach. Gilligan looked like a lamer version of the Miz, while Scotty Beach was a Peach. At least, that’s what the sign some people at ringside held up. They were probably his parents, but who knows? As hard as Scotty tried to keep it interesting, this was a squash. Reese was big, and not all that mobile, but able to handle the jobbers nonetheless. Scotty earned his bonus points by drinking a Mai Tai on the way to the ring. The football coach’s best move was heading straight to the bar after the match and getting a beer while in his ring gear.

· I never win anything, and I somehow won two raffles. The prizes were completely random. The first had some coupons to local businesses, some Sleepy Hollow figures, and an old school WrestleMania action figure set with The Rock and Owen Hart. The second raffle won me an autographed Cactus Jack photo, John Cena T-shirt, and John Cena baseball jersey. Does that mean I’m kicked out of the IWC?

· Lita’s new band, the Luchagores, made their debut next. With her supposed impending retirement, this is what she’s going to be spending her time doing. My buddies were a lot harsher than I was, but I didn’t think they were all that bad. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Lita’s speaking voice, but it works for her singing. The band reminded me of a more punk version of early Hole. With more time, they could be okay. I do recommend that they don’t cover “Talk Dirty to Me” again, and then try to pass it off as a joke. Lita’s no Bret Michaels.

· The main event was announced as local legend Brad Armstrong against Goldberg’s former trainer, Sarge. They fought it out for a little while, until Elix Skipper and David Young came running out to jump Sarge at ringside. The announcers informed us that the Diamonds in the Rough were bumped off the card backstage, and not too happy about it. If you couldn’t guess, the main event was then made a tag match between Armstrong/Sarge and the Diamonds. My old buddy David Young looks like he’s been eating a few Twinkies lately. The “Trim Spa” chant might have been inappropriate. The veterans ended up taking advantage of Elix’s cockiness to get the victory via roll-up.

· All in all, it was a fun night, and it was for a good cause. I did learn that when Lita’s been drinking and singing on stage, and you try to get a picture with her after the show’s over, she might be a little surly. It’s all good though, she had been very cool about talking to lots of people at the show all night.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll see y’all next week…

E-MAIL JASON
BROWSE THE OO FEATURES ARCHIVE

Jason Longshore is your second-most-favorite wrestling fan/writer from Atlanta, GA.

 


  
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