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11/01: 50 Ft. Women on the
Island of Dr. Tom
November 4, 2002

by EC Ostermeyer


This is the WWE Byte This! report for Friday 1 November 2002, and I'm E.C.
Who's been twenty years married to the same good woman, and proud of it, too.

Before the

Opening credits

We get a video clip from last week's show where "Jackass: The Movie" alumni Steve-O nearly sets himself and WWE The World on fire.
Wow, lookit all those fire extinguishers!

This week, hosts Kevin Kelly and Dr. Tom Prichard are safely back in their digs at Titan Tower, as the chyron is so helpful in pointing out. There's been some changes made to the studio furniture, which now consists of two comfy office swivel chairs.
Additionally, there's a big poster of Torrie Wilson on the wall behind the Dynamic Duo. 
She's wearing a red bikini and that dazzling lazy-lower-lip smile of hers.

Kelly takes full credit for "Jackass: the Movie" opening Number One at the box office this week, saying that it was all due to them having Steve-O on the show last week.
Dr. Tom, who, to his credit, looks less like an ill-tied sack than usual, agrees with him.

Kelly also says that the "Survivor Series" being sold out is due to Eric Bischoff being on the show last week, and Dr. Tom agrees with that assessment as well.

Kelly and Dr. Tom both shill for the upcoming "Survivor Series" some more, touching on Shawn Michaels appearing in the "Elimination Chamber" match for the WWE Heavyweight Title. Dr. Tom says that HBK will do it just to humiliate HHH in Madison Square Garden, the premier venue for WWE.

Dr. Tom also says he's seen preliminary drawings of what exactly an Elimination Chamber is, but he's being mum on the subject for now.

Droz is on the phone with his weekly Two Cents on all things Raw.
Even Droz is wondering what kind of structure the Elimnation Chamber is going to be.
Do you get into it or get out of it?" asks Droz, "nobody knows yet."
Dr. Tom says that Bischoff himself said that it would be similar to WarGames and The Royal Rumble. He also says that this won't be a scientific match; it'll be a street fight.

Kelly moves on to the imminent arrival of Scott Steiner in the WWE, and where he's going to wind up? And what was that "Big Kiss" deal between the two GM's on Smackdown last night?
Droz says that the two incidents could be inter-linked, especially with two individuals as prone to trickery and deceit as Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon are; with the prize of having Big Poppa Pump on their show, all the stops will be kicked out between these two.
"But that kiss of theirs had me freakin' out!" says Droz.
More chatter on the Halloween Party, specifically Albert "going commando" under his Roman toga, and John Cena nailing Vanilla Ice to the max.

Dr. Tom gets in a plug for the new OVW T-shirt.
The Chatroom points out that the crew has avoided the whole "Necrophilia Angle" now for two weeks running. The chyron obligingly shows related material, culminating in HHH's hilarious "proctology exam" (courtesy of Kane.) Objects removed during the surgery included a sledgehammer, a steering wheel, Mae Young's glove, and finally HHH's own head!
"You're going to get slammed no matter what you do," says Dr. Tom in regard to both the "Katie Vick" angle and the "HHH's Exam" angle.

As Droz leaves, Dr. Tom compliments Kelly on his Halloween costume.
"I got a joke fer ya," says Kelly, "what's brown and sticky?"
"I don't know," says Dr. Tom resignedly.
"A stick!"

Time for a break, (mercifully,) with a video clip of Paul Heyman telling Brock Lesnar that, if he can't manhandle The Big Show, if he can't suplex The Big Show, and if he can't F5 The Big Show, he can't beat The Big Show.
"Paul knows this industry like no one else," says Dr. Tom, " and he always wants to stay one or two steps ahead of his clients, the opposition, everybody. This time, Heyman has thought a little more rationally about things, and he knows that his meal ticket might not be 100%. Heyman realizes that if Lesnar goes up against The Big Show now, his meal ticket gets punched for good."
Kelly says that it is a question of motivation for The Big Show, who just last month lost to Jeff Hardy. "Whatever the reason, Big Show is now mature, and motivated," say Kelly, "and therefore a force to be reckoned with."
"Heyman may want to motivate Lesnar," says Dr. Tom, "He may also want to think about protecting him as well."

Caller Jeff from California says that Ric Flair is a nineteen-time World Champ, not sixteen.
Dr. Tom and Kelly spend the next five minutes explaining what a disputed Title reign is, and how it's a gray area that some count as real, while others don't.
"He's the most decorated World Champion, don't you agree?" says Kelly, "It is what it is."

As Jeff leaves, Dr. Tom gives the company position on why Mick Foley wasn't on last week's show, and how they hope he will be back for a return engagement during a more propitious time.

Joe from Rochester wants to know when Earnest "The Cat" Miller will be on the show, since he's already had two dark matches?
Kelly says that Miller's already been on Smackdown, as a guest at the Halloween Party, if you were looking closely.
Kelly and Dr. Tom talk about Booker T's chances of becoming the Champ. Dr. Tom also remarks on Brother Love's appearance at the Halloween party, and wonders how the ol' "Building Fund" is going?

We take a break once more, and enjoy a video clip from last night's Smackdown show of the match between Matt Hardy and Yoshihiro Tajiri.

Back to the studio, where Dr. Tom maintains that Al Wilson, Torrie's dad, is really Les Thatcher of HWA.

On the phone is the purveyor of "Mattitude," Matt Hardy, (v. 1.0)

"The era of "Mattitude" has arrived on Byte This!" says Kelly.
Matt says he's tickled that his opportunity to advance is succeeding so well.
Dr. Tom asks if Michael Hayes is still Matt's Dad, and what exactly IS this Version 1.0 about?"
"I am setting the standard for how wrestling should be," says Matt in kayfabe mode.
Kelly wants to know how much the new entrance music pumps him up?
Matt says that it is great, though temporary, because he's getting a new entrance theme real soon, and thanks the WWE theme music writers for working so closely with him.
Kelly wants to know about the "Matt Facts?"
Mat laughs, and says that it's a very popular feature of "Mattitude."
Kelly asks how difficult it is for Matt to have a two-faced persona; one happy-go-lucky, and the other devious and grasping?
"Sort of like you, Kev?" asks Dr. Tom.
Kelly says that the new "Mattitude" T-shirt makes a better club shirt than, say, Dr. Tom's OVW shirt.

Dr. Tom asks what it's like not working with Jeff Hardy anymore?
"I'm not dragging Jeff Hardy around," says Matt, "he's doing that job for himself now. If Jeff doesn't have
time for his personal stuff, he's not enjoying himself like he used to."

Kelly asks Matt if Jeff will someday walk away from WWE?
"Jeff will make that decision on his own," says Matt, who goes on to say that Shannon Moore's bachelor 
party was last night, and that Moore's getting hitched Saturday. 
"How would you assess Shannon's bride-to-be?" asks Kelly.
"Pretty good, though a little young," says Matt.
Matt also compliments Lita in her new commentator job on "WWE Sunday Night Heat." 
"She's improving, and getting more comfortable in her role over there," says Matt. "She's still aggravated that she can't go full speed yet, but she's training on a regular basis, so she will be back soon. She just needs to be patient."

Kelly and Matt discuss the relative merits of working on Raw vs. Smackdown. Matt says that Raw is more geared to entertainment, while Smackdown has the athletics.
Kelly says that matches on Raw don't have the same physicality as there is on Smackdown.
Dr. Tom responds that raw is live, and therefore a pressure cooker, with no second takes available, while Smackdown has the luxury of being taped for broadcast.
Matt says that Raw matches are of necessity shorter, to match the live format and commercial inserts, while Smackdown can split a match with a commercial and then pick up the action right where you left off when you come back from commercial.
Matt winds up this segment by asking the Dynamic Duo to mention "Mattitude" at least once per show. Kelly says they sure will, and Matt Hardy leaves the show.

Kelly and Dr. Tom reminisce about Michael Hayes and the "Fire-birds" for a bit, then we get back to this whole Les Thatcher/Al Wilson identity crisis.

We take a break once more with a video clip from the "Trick-Or- Treat" match between Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie on last night's Smackdown show. 
Chocolate milk.
It does a body good!
Just ask referee Mike Sparks.
"Jeez!" laughs Tazz, "Sparks is hanging on for dear life in there!"

Live on the phone is WWE Diva extraordinaire, Torrie Wilson.
First question is whether Torrie's Dad is really Les Thatcher?
"We all know it would be SUCH a stretch for Les to play a lecherous guy, now, don't we?" laughs Dr. Tom.
Torrie says yes, it REALLY is her dad, and she sort of likes having him with her on the road. 
"It's getting him a little paycheck," says Torrie, "he's become such a fixture for everybody. It's getting odd having him around all the time, though."
Torrie says she wasn't prepared to see her father making out with Dawn Marie. 
"It sort of surprised me at first. I was working out, and just caught a flash of it on the monitor, and I said 'Hey, that's my dad!' It made me sick to my stomach. 
"Dad told me later he wanted to tongue her," laughs Torrie, "I told him she would have slapped his face if he tried to."
"What about this deal of Al taking a shower with his clothes on?" asks Kelly.
"I think he was embarrassed to take his clothes off for the skit," says Torrie
"And was Dawn Marie naked?"
"Umm, you'll have to ask her about that," laughs Torrie.

Kelly asks if Torrie's top was about to let go in the "Trick Or Treat" match?
Torrie laughs, and says that she and Dawn Marie were enjoying themselves at the Halloween Party, right up to the time of their match, and so she didn't have time to "tape up." 
"After about thirty seconds of the match," says Torrie, "I felt something give way, and I thought "Oh no! This is the night I flash the fans. Fortunately, I got down into the chocolate milk and secured everything..."
"What a shame, " muses Dr. Tom.
"...so we were able to continue the match."

It's at this point that Kelly's over-active imagination gets loose, and he starts babbling on about a fifty-foot Torrie Wilson sleeping in a fifty-five foot bed, and what that would look like from a "particular angle..."
"What the HELL are you talkin' about, Kev?" asks a thoroughly alarmed Dr. Tom.
"Uh," says Kelly, realizing that he's said the whole last musing out loud for all to hear, "it's the pot talking, man."
"All right now, Kevin," say Torrie.
"Sorry, I had a flashback to my college days at Florida State," says Kelly.
"When were you there," sneers Dr. Tom, "last week?"
"Weren't you with Horizon Airlines in Idaho, Torrie?" asks Kelly, busily covering his tracks.
"Wow,' say Torrie, "you've done your homework, haven't you, Kevin?"
(I'd say Kelly has a dossier on Torrie whose thickness can be measured in linear feet. Lots of pictures, too.)
"Well, I watch 'WWE Confidential' each and every week," says Kelly.
"Eventually, Dawn Marie is gonna start slapping Al around..." says Dr. Tom.
"Yeah," says Torrie, "I better tell him to start looking to take some bumps."
"I could whip Torrie's Dad if I got some personal time with Dawn Marie..." muses Kelly out loud once more.
"What ARE you smoking there, Kevin?" says Dr. Tom. 

Kelly changes the subject to how physical the Divas matches have become.
"Chocolate milk," says Dr. Tom, "cream pies, cakes..."
"I have new respect for the guys in the locker room every time I do a match now," says Torrie.

A Chatroomer wants to know if Al and Dawn Marie get hitched, will Torrie have to call her "Mommie?"
"No, I don't think so," say Torrie, "that is just sick."
"She would be your stepmom..." says Kelly, "and she would try to drive a wedge between Al and his little girl, that's what stepmoms do, just like Paul McCartney's new wife, that one-legged witch who's taking him for all his money..."
"WHAT?!" says Torrie.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Kevin," says Dr. Tom, visions of lawsuits dancing in his head. "Have we got anybody on the phone for Torrie? Anybody at ALL?!"
What we get is that sneaky Donovan from Syracuse who says he taped Torrie's Smackdown match, and has been playing it over and over, and 

(all together now, fans...)

"Are you SHAVED?"

"Oh ma-n-n-n-n!" says Dr. Tom.
"Donovan! Is that YOU?" bellows Kelly.
"There's always idiots like that, aren't there?" says Torrie sweetly.
"Boy, great job, call-screeners," says Kelly.

Kelly gets started on "Torrie as the Fifty Foot Woman" once more, saying she could save on airfares by walking everywhere. She could get to the House Shows ahead of everybody these days, with the state the airlines are in.
"I swear, I haven't smoked pot in this decade," says Kelly.
(Jeez, if Kelly slouches any lower in that chair, he'll wind up on the floor.)

Kelly tells Torrie that there are a lot of guys at the TV studio who just love her to pieces.
"Did you dress up for Halloween this year?" asks Dr. Tom.
"Yes," says Torrie, "I was a genie."
(Kelly's making percolator sounds now.)
"Kevin's got a lot of questions for you, Torrie," say Dr. Tom, "like where would you shop for your fifty foot tall clothes?"
"What size shoes would you wear...?" muses Kelly. 
(This is getting way too weird now.)
"I'd have to make all my clothes, right?" says Torrie, "I don't know about the shoes, though."
"Why is (Byte This! producer) Matt Duda banging his head on the console?" asks Dr. Tom.

Topic shifts to Trish Stratus winning the Diva "Babe of the Year" contest.
"I was robbed!" says Torrie, "although she IS the Women's Champ."
"Can you see yourself as the Women's Champion?" asks Kelly.
"Yes, I can," says Torrie, "but only on my terms."
Kelly remarks on what a great job Fit Finlay has done revitalizing the Women's Division.
"Fit can tell just by looking at our faces if we are getting lost in a match," say Torrie, "you'd ever know it to look at him, but he is just the sweetest guy!"
"Your fiance (Billy Kidman) is one very lucky man," says Kelly.
"Thank you," say Torrie, touched by Kelly's sincerity, "I'll tell him that."
"But you know when people say that," says Kelly, "that they hate him as much as they love you."
"Awww, don't say that," laughs Torrie.
"I'd heard a rumor," say Kelly, "that you originally didn't want to wrestle..."
"Right," says Torrie, who sounds like she'd just as soon put that chapter in her career behind her, "Madusa in WCW nearly ruined my entire feeling for wrestling. She was teaching a very "old school" style of wrestling, where it really hurt a lot. I realized when I came here that it didn't have to hurt a lot. There were times over there, I couldn't even move. Now, I'm having so much fun learning to wrestle."
"I think," says Kelly, "that, with what I saw last night in the pit, you are ready to take on Fit Finlay."
Torrie laughs and tells an anecdote about this really smelly pair of knee pads she was wearing during practice, and how Finlay was hollering at her to "Get in there, Smelly!"
"I just wanted to come right back with 'Hey, shut the hell up, Finlay!' says Torrie "but I couldn't do it because he's Fit Finlay, and I owe him everything."
"I think you owe him one, Torrie," says Kelly.
"Yeah," Torrie laughs, "he's got one coming. I'll think of something..."

(Why am I suddenly seeing that image of Torrie back in her WCW days, firing that Glock 17 at the pistol range?)

A Chatroomer says he went trick-or-treating as "Naked Mideon," 
(and boy, THAT'S an image I thought I'd mercifully lost forever. Until now, that is.)
"Matt Duda likes "Naked Mideon," says Dr. Tom.

Kelly asks Torrie where she thinks it's all going to?
"I see you and Dr. Tom ruling everything with an Army of Fifty Foot Women," says Kelly.
"We have GOT to adjust your medication, Torrie," says Dr. Tom.
"Matt Duda is quitting, he is physically walking out of the building right now," crows Kelly.

Kelly asks Torrie what she thought of the "Hell in a Cell" match?
"I couldn't believe how much blood 'Taker had lost," says Torrie.
Torrie says that she heard a rumor last month that The Big Show was moving to Smackdown and asked him about it.
"He said that, he didn't know anything at the time, but he was excited about the possibility," says Torrie. "Looks like he got his wish."

Kelly asks Torrie about the "Billy Kidman's Bag" incident?
Torrie says that Kidman had had his bag stolen back in WCW, and he never thought he'd see it again. "But one day, they were remodeling the ceiling, and they found it up in the rafters. We still haven't gotten it back yet, though."
"Does he have an idea who did it?" asks Kelly.
"He has an idea," says Torrie, "but he's not pointing any fingers."
"Maybe we can help," says Dr. Tom, "I could make some discrete inquiries for you..."
"We'd have to stop work on our Island of Fifty Foot Women project, though, Dr. Tom," says Kelly.
"It's for a good cause," reminds Dr. Tom.
"Not to ask a perverted question or anything," says Torrie, "but if you were your size, how would you have sex with a Fifty Foot Woman, Kevin?"
"It would be very difficult," says Kelly, looking at Dr. Tom. "I'd have to cut down a palm tree or something..."
This cracks Dr. Tom up.
Matt Duda must have said something of a disparaging nature about Mr. Kelly's sexual prowess, because Kelly starts hollering "Come over here and say that, tough guy. You're pretty brave saying stuff like that standing way over there!"
"Speak for yourself, pal," say Dr. Tom to Kelly.

Kelly and Dr. Tom thank Torrie Wilson for appearing this week, and Torrie leaves the show.

Kelly says that the Tribe of Fifty Foot Women will enable him to mete out vengeance that is final.
"Why are you cursing, Matt?" says Kelly.
"You know why we do the show every week, Matt?" says Kelly, "it's for Dr. Tom's and my own entertainment!"
"We had a ball at The World last week, didn't we?" says Dr. Tom.
"The staff at The World was absolutely frantic," says Kelly, "because we had Steve-O on the show, and he was drunk as a skunk! He was capable of anything in that condition. He stunk like booze, and cigarettes, and he hadn't bathed, and then he balanced that ladder on his chin and I thought he was gonna kill himself, but everything turned out all right. We can do it all, and do it right. People criticize us, so what? We have a great time here. Take Dr. Tom. They hated him. They pooped in his bag. They were mean to him..."
"Wait a minute," says Dr. Tom, "who pooped in my bag?"
"He was sent away by the higher-ups, but then he came back..."
"Who was it?" says Dr. Tom "I been looking for that bastard! Who was it?!"
"Michael P.S. Hayes," says Kelly.
"He's got an ass-kicking coming to him," says Dr. Tom, "Michael P.S. Hayes, I am coming after you! And Kevin Kelly ratted you out!"
"Hey, now wait a minute," says Kelly, but then he spots a comment in the Chatroom from fan Jeremy who says that WWE sucks totally for not allowing him to talk to Torrie, and has sucked ever since the Alliance angle, ever since Wrestlemania X-7.
Well, this isn't going unchallenged, and they get Jeremy on the phone. 
There follows about ten minutes of shouting and recriminations between Kelly and Dr. Tom on the one hand, and Jeremy on the other.
Jeremy does get in a sharp comment about how WWE's got all this hot talent in the locker room, but that they are using only a tiny bit of it each week.
Kelly says that Jeremy is high, and not to call Dr. Tom and him a couple of fags for not putting him on the phone. Jeremy has some choice words for THAT little comment of Kelly's then says that he would apologize to everyone in WWE if they could get him some free tickets to the show at the Fleet Center in Boston.
Kelly scoffs at this, while Dr. Tom says that you don't rag on the product on the one hand, and then ask for free tickets with the other!
Jeremy says that he's right and they know it.
Kelly says that they always have the last word, and that they will bury Jeremy when he hangs up.
We get a whole lot of whining from Jeremy about flunking his MCAT's up in Massachusetts, and how he's been shoved into a Vo-Tech school as a result.
Matt Duda puts up a typical MCAT test question on the chyron:

MCAT question:

2+2= ?

a. 2
b. 6
c. 8
d. Greenland

Kelly asks if he remembers Ronnie (of sainted memory) and asks if Jeremy would be their new "Ronnie?" 
Jeremy says sure, why not?
(Now I can see why he flunked the MCAT!)

Jeremy hangs up, and Kelly proceeds to tear strips off him, finishing with:
"If you want to email Jeremy, his address is "pothead @ flunked_the_mcats.com."
"Duda's been banging his head against the wall for the last thirty minutes," say Dr. Tom.

Next week's scheduled guest is The Big Show.

"Boy, I bet nobody reviews our show THIS week," says Kelly.

Wrong again, Kevin.
Though I won't be the one who's doing the reviewing for next week.

See you in two weeks, gentle readers


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