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OO BYTE THIS RECAP
Josh Mathews, Al Snow, and 
LITA LIKES PUSSIES~!
September 9, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

I was going to start this week’s recap off by mentioning that last week, after promising not to go off on a tangent, I ended up going WAY off on a tangent. I was a whole page past the annoying ad box before I got down to business, damn it.

But as I said, I WAS going to go into that. But I’m not. Instead, there’s something else I have to mention, because I love making fun of celebrities. Hell, we do it all the time here in OO, so why not?
 

Unless you’ve been living in or planning on going to Bumblefuck, Oregon, you know that the Kobe Bryant suit is dropped (the criminal part anyway). Now, let me say up front that I don’t care about Bryant, and for that matter I don’t care about the Lakers, and for THAT matter I don’t care about the NBA (not after the lock-out from a few years  

ago). I don’t care whether Bryant is innocent or guilty, and I never waited with breathless anticipation for the latest update.

That all said, Bryant made one of the stupidest comments I’ve ever heard. In his statement concerning the dismissal, he said: “Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did.”

Think about that one. “I recognize now that she did not [think it was consensual].” If he’s JUST NOW recognizing that she didn’t think it was consensual, what in the blue fuck did he think was going on for the last 14 months? I could just hear it: “OH! She thought I raped her? So THAT’S what this case is all about!”

I understand the intent of legal statements, and I know they have their place no matter how intangible, but come on. Kobe, this doesn’t make you look sorry; it makes you look like a retard.

Ah, I’m glad to get that out. Okay, on with the show!

Tommy Dreamer gets the boot and is replaced by usual host Josh Matthews. He’s got a soft collar on and is selling the beating he took from Heidenreich a couple weeks ago on SmackDown!. Howard Finkel is still around, so we’ll be playing another rousing game of Outthink The Fink again. Whoopie! As always, answers are at the bottom. Our guests this week will be Maria the eliminated diva, Lita, and Al Snow… plus Droz, as usual.

We begin with some extremely boring talk about Matthews’s health, talk about the million-dollar Tough Enough, and Unforgiven. Fink mentions that there are five matches on the card, but doesn’t say what they are. And we’re off to a video break!

Randy Orton was mean to Triple H on RAW. Yay. Read Rick’s recap for the 411.

Finkel and Matthews plug the upcoming RAW because Orton has a match with Kane, and those two will be taking on great wrestlers come Unforgiven. Whatever.

So Droz rings in. What up, Droz??? Droz small talks with Matthews about the neck, blah blah. He plugs next RAW, putting over Orton and hyping the Orton/Kane match. Fink thinks the best thing to bring up next is the Diva Search. Droz puts the segment over, saying how entertaining it was. [Let me make an aside here and mention that I feel it was the best Diva Search segment so far… but that doesn’t make it GOOD. It was entertaining until I realized every chick was basically doing the same shtick.] He continues to plug the divas themselves, saying all “You can tell it’s on and they’re serious about getting the quarter-million,” and so on.

The Fink asks Droz to predict who wins “tonight” on SmackDown! between Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero in the 2/3 Falls match. Droz loses his mind not because he chooses Angle, but because he says “I don’t know why, I just know.” I guess he asked the ouija board or something. He plugs his column and says he’s ready for Terrapin football, then clicks off. Wow, that was relevant.

Matthews and Fink talk about Droz and his column. Matthews declares himself as the king of wwe.com, although he acknowledges that he has no bio if you go to the SmackDown! roster. Then they mention that there’s a new game on wwe.com which is basically a stock market of the superstars. Sounds kinda entertaining, actually… Sort of how they do Fantasy Football and so on in office pools and ESPN, you know?

They go on about Taboo Tuesday and how it’ll be interactive, which seems pretty damn cool too. In the coming weeks, they’ll talk about HOW it’ll be interactive, so I’m pretty sure we at OO will have that info here when it becomes available. Rick isn’t above putting INTERESTING news topics on the site.

So they take a break, and we go to a long hype vid of Tough Enough. Is anyone else as totally uninterested as I am?

We come back, and Fink pats Matthews on the shoulder. Matthews sells it, attempts to bitch out Fink but just comes off looking like a pussy (which I suppose is okay because Matthews is only an announcer). Josh accepts the apology and says Fink should save his strength for tonight. Apparently Fink is on a softball team, one of two that the WWE has made for this league. Fink’s team took on the other WWE team and won 17-5 or something. Fink’s team is playing again tonight, Josh wishes him luck, blah. It was a (somewhat interesting) waste of three minutes.

Back to wrestling now. It’s time for the first Outthink The Fink question. The prize is an official WWE backpack, just in time for school to be starting up again, that will be signed by… JOSH MATTHEWS!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

*ahem* All right, you HAVE to forgive my spelling here, because I’m sure I’m completely blowing it, but hey, it was before my time. The question is: There was an 80s team called the Bolsheviks. Who comprised them?

Matthews plugs the latest RAW and SmackDown! magazines, and then he and Fink discuss about the Eddie/Angle match. Fink predicts Angle will win because Eddie will be too angry, or something.

And here comes a caller named Neil… sort of. Technical difficulties run free, however, and there is no one speaking. Well damn. All right then, let’s move on. Matthews says that Heyman will unleash Luther Reigns tonight… oops, he means Heidenreich. Then he says he’s got a bunch of female photos and calls from President George W. Bush wishing him well after his beating from Heidenreich. No really, I’m sure it makes sense to Matthews, and I’m even more sure he thought it was funny. The rest of us know otherwise.

All right, we’ve got another caller, someone named Tony. Or wait, no, he’s not there either. No wonder Fuji was nonsensical last week.

Fink asks Matthews how he feels about Heidenreich. Matthews puts him over and says he’s a vicious animal, yada yada yada. He says it’s unfair that he gets beaten up while trying to his job as an announcer. Does John Madden get beaten up when HE tries to do his job? (If he means John Madden the NHL player, then the answer is yes.)

Fink asks Matthews if he has anything he wants to say publicly against Heidenreich. Matthews replies with “Hey Tony, you’re on the phone!” Pussy. There is again no one there for a few seconds, then Neil, the first caller, pops on. Remember that.

So Neil asks Matthews if he’s okay, and Matthews says “I’m fine Tony.” Wow. So Fink corrects him, and in the ensuing small talk, Matthews says “Thanks for asking, Neil.” Someone who’s behind the camera says “It’s Tony,” so Matthews uncorrects himself and says “Sorry, Tony.” Fink tells this guy behind the camera to shut up, then repeats his trivia question. Neil nails it, and says he loves Josh. Matthews replies “Thanks Tony, you’re cool too.” Howard says “Neil, good job getting the question right,” and in mid-sentence, Matthews again says “Neil, sorry.” I have to say that seeing Matthews getting mentally undressed is pure comedy gold, and I don’t know why.

So Matthews says Al Snow is going to be live in the studio, and we learn from the show crew that he’s in transit. Matthews says he wants to call Maria, the eliminated Tough Enough Diva, but everyone overrides him and asks Fink to ask another question. Matthews gets pissy, saying the show is a train wreck now because they deviating from the written program. Matthews apparently shows up a half-hour before Byte This! goes live and studies the program. Fink is all “Get over it, we’re live and we’re flying by the seat of our pants, you dork.” Matthews is all “I like order, I’m a man who dots his T’s and crosses his I’s.” I shit you not, he said he DOTS T’s and CROSSES I’s. If the guy can’t get his clichés right, how the hell did he wind up as an announcer? Matthews is now my new favorite Guy I Like Seeing Get Besmirched. Sorry Coach, you’re only #2 now.

So Howard makes sure he gets Josh’s permission to ask another trivia question, and once he does, Howard pats Josh’s shoulder again. Then he goes on and, in the vein of the first question, asks who the Bolsheviks had segment with in Wrestlemania VI. Hint: the person is no longer living and was a piano player/comedian something.

Video break to Orton interrupting the Eugene/HHH match from RAW.

They talk a bit about the Orton/HHH match, and then Al Snow comes on in, beating the hell out of Matthews in the “I know you’re sore but I’m going be smacking you around anyway” way. Fink asks why he’s there (as if he doesn’t know), and Snow just plugs the hell out of Tough Enough for WAY too long, including saying the address where people can send in tapes. The address is on wwe.com by the way, in case you want to know about it. In the only interesting part of this whole thing, Matthews breaks character and said “People said ‘wow’ after my beating from Heidenreich, and I’ve always said, ‘I was trained by Tazz, but Al Snow taught me how to sell.’ ” Huh.

They then ask him about the Diva Search segment, and Snow puts it over, saying he’s learned new putdowns. If that’s true, Snow’s a big pussy too… and we know he isn’t, so why he would say that is beyond me. Trust me, you, me, and any person in this country over the age of 14 can be more clever than they were on Monday.

Here comes a caller named Amy, from North Carolina. Amy doesn’t know the trivia answer and doesn’t want to guess. She asks how Snow got started with the business, because she wants to, but can’t find anything. Snow says because she lives in NC, she’s surrounded by good legit schools and needs to apply herself better. She asks how Josh got injured, and he basically recaps his own segment from SmackDown!. Snow and Fink say Josh is a hard worker, and Josh says he wanted to come last week to Byte This!, but the hospital wouldn’t sign the release papers. Snow says, “Yeah, it takes awhile to do that rectal exam.” Josh replies no one can hear him because the microphone isn’t close enough. Ha, or something.

She’s done, and we have another caller named Amy. This one nails the trivia question, and says Matthews should take on Heidenreich. Apparently that constitutes her question, because they cut the line and go on.

Next is another trivia question relating to Snow. What were his three WWE identities other than Al Snow? Let’s a break now, for shits and giggles.

Cena raps the hell out of Day of Reckoning for the Nintendo Gamecube. Hell, maybe I should make that my secondary job here on OO… reviewing wrestling video games.

Our next guest is not on the phone yet, so we’ll burn some time with Al. Fink mentions that Snow is a big hockey fan, and Snow says he’s also a fan of midgets and wants to see midget hockey. He then talks about it in detail, and it wouldn’t be worth either of our times for me to recap it. Snow then says he collects jerseys and has 248 of them, including ALL of the NHL home, away, and alternate outfits. Cool.

We’ve got a caller who didn’t realize that there was a question on the table, so they just go on. The caller wants to know who Snow will feud with once he gets back in the ring. Snow says maybe he’ll feud with Heidenreich, because Josh is his responsibility, and if anyone is going to put Josh out of the business, it’ll be Snow. And again, I like seeing Josh in the role of Whipping Boy, and I don’t know why.

Now the next little bit of dialog was pretty funny to me. For those who totally don’t like The Suck, you may not agree. Josh says, “Now on the phone with us is Mrs. Kane! How are you Lita?” Lita opens with, “That wasn’t a very nice to start me on the phone.” I don’t know, maybe it was the delivery, or maybe I’m just easily amused.

She slightly breaks character and says she’s happy at the moment because she doesn’t have to be Mrs. Kane. She plugs herself and her ability to have some power over Kane, such as signing his match with Shawn Michaels.

Stupid small talk ensues until a caller comes in. He lands the trivia question, then indirectly disses Lita and says he doesn’t have a question for her. Talk ensues about Josh’s and Lita’s sex lives, then Lita’s kid, and it’s all completely uninteresting. She’s just as boring at improve as she is in the scripted parts of this crap. I think she, out of character, realizes how damn stupid this is. At least, I hope so.

Lita says she’s looking forward to smacking around Trish Stratus once she can after the pregnancy and shit. She mentions the interference of Trish during the wedding, blah freakin’ blah.

Finally then Lita shows some personality. Josh asks her about Tough Enough, says that he knows she wasn’t a fan of it, but wonders if she’s interested in it now that they’re giving away a million bucks. Lita replies verbatim: “Well actually, I’ve become quite more a fan of Tough Enough after I’ve seen the Diva Search.” WOW… This pulls snickers from Finkel, Matthews, Snow, me, and probably EVERYONE who’s watching Byte This!. Lita is officially no longer the most worthless person in the WWE.

Unfortunately, she then re-enters Corporate Employee mode and puts both Tough Enough and the Diva Search over… but she talks with the same attitude as she did her lines during her whole messy storyline. I’m an optimist, and I believe that Lita is extremely aware that all three suck, but maybe if she wants to keep her job, she has to go on with it. I know that that’s not really an excuse; it’s just me hoping that she, as an actress (as much as a wrestler CAN be an actor/actress), realize how retarded it all is.

Snow then asks Lita a rather serious, interesting question. What does she think is the single most important aspect for anyone entering the business who wants to survive and be successful? She says number one would be determination, and number two would be thick skin. Snow then asks why Lita signed HBK specifically as Kane’s opponent, and she basically says she figures that, with Kane beating the hell out of HBK, he would be the most motivated to beat the hell out of Kane. As her farewell, Lita plugs a website she’s involved in called A.D.O.R.E. (Amy Dumas Operation Rescue & Edcuation), which is to help people (especially kids) save animals and that kind of thing. If you care, the URL for that is http://www.adoreyourpets.com/.

Lita’s done, and they can’t locate Maria. The trio talk about her, then the rest of the divas, then how much the other divas hate Carmella. They somehow segue to Tough Enough, and Snow says he wants to beat the hell out of Coach. They make fun of Josh some more, then bring it home by plugging SmackDown! and RAW, and Josh promises the show will be better next week.

They end with a video recap of the end of the wedding from two weeks ago, and I end by giving the questions and answers from this weeks Outthink The Fink. Catch you in seven days, all!

Question 1: Who were the two members of the 80s tag team called the Bolsheviks?
Answer 1: Nikolai Volkoff and Boris Zhukov

Question 2: Who did the Bolsheviks have a segment with in Wrestlemania VI? (Hint: The person is now deceased, and was a piano player and comedian.)
Answer 2: Steve Allen

Question 3: What are the names of the three other characters that Al Snow has portrayed in the WWE (in no particular order)?
Answer 3: Avatar, Leif Cassidy, and Shinobi

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON

BROWSE THE BYTE THIS RECAP ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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