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The Not-So-Great Diva Debate
September 17, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


First off, I have to apologize to Lita for getting her URL wrong last time. It’s actually http://www.adoreyourpets.org/, not .com. There’s still not a whole lot there, and I’m sure you couldn’t give two hairballs for it anyway, but hey, Lita needs all the support she can get right now.

And hey, is it beginner’s luck, or is it mad skillz? Either way, I’m the king of the month for Team Coverage! Woo hoo!!! Of course, it is an empty victory, because of WrestleLine’s problems. Hopefully everything there will be okay soon, and then they will all realize that I am The Man… or just lucky. Whatever.

Hey, how ‘bout them hockey players? I guess I join the rest of America in Not Caring that the NHL is in limbo. I’m sure Canada is getting their collective panties in a twist, but I don’t want to draw any more flames than necessary from our friends to the north, so I’ll just shut up now.

So we’ve got a great Byte This! lined up, I suppose. I apologize for missing last week’s episode, but thanks to Rick’s vacation, it didn’t look like I was slacking too much, so it’s all good. My recaps will again be weekly starting now. Ladies and gentlemen, start your browsers!

Two seconds in, and I’m already annoyed. Howard Finkel isn’t there, but someone named Mark Lloyd is. Of course, Josh Matthews is also wasting space there, but that was to be expected. They open the show by talking FAR too long about WWE’s fantasy game, which I believe is officially called WWE Fantasy, the WWE’s version of fantasy football and so on. I’m not going to waste your time about it, because if you’re interested in this kind of game, go buy Total Extreme Wrestling, a game by Adam Ryland. It doesn’t ship with real rosters, but you can download those for free from the TEW message boards. Trust me, TEW kicks every ass WWE Fantasy has. Anyway, Lloyd and Matthews then put over Big Show and his return.

So then Droz calls in. The hosts ask him about Unforgiven, but Droz is too cheap to buy the show, and he relies on watching a tape of it. The tape hadn’t made it to him as of Byte This! time, so he can’t comment on the show. So instead, everyone wastes about 10 minutes talking about Maryland Terrapin football. Damn it, can’t they talk about anything relevant? Two seconds later, they talk about Diva shit. Wow, be careful what you wish for, huh? They verbally recap the crap out of the Seattle Slugfest. Go read Erin’s killer recap for all that fun stuff. They hype Vince’s impending announcement, then Droz hypes the upcoming fourth match between John Cena and Booker T, predicting Cena to win. Then they discuss WWE Fantasy some more, and Droz clicks off.

Video break time. This round of Tough Enough is apparently officially called the Million Dollar Tough Enough. Yeah, make it about the money, don’t make it about, you know, wrestling talent or anything. Oh, and they show Joy getting voted off the island. Yawn.

We’re back, and we’ve got local hottie Carmella DeCesare on the phone. She’s asked about getting booed, and how she preserves despite it. Carmella replies that she’s surprised at the reaction, but figures it’s because of current events of her personal life. She tries to appear smart by saying that she has become the heel of the show, then immediately looks stupid by saying she was pumped by Vince McMahon’s statement that Joy was Coach’s favorite. Poor Jack Doan. Anyway, they ask if she’s single, and I won’t bother inserting my cynical comments here because they’re pretty obvious to anyone with an IQ. She proceeds to put herself over, saying she loves The Company, and she continually uses the “heel of the show” phrase. (Note to Carmella: mistaking Jack Doan for Vince McMahon means you’re either ditzy, or you need to read recaps here at OO more. Either way, saying “heel” five thousand times in the span of two minutes doesn’t qualify you as a worker, diva or not.) She says she’ll buy a house with her coming quarter-million, then clicks off. There goes my excitement.

Video break to the SmackDown! Rebound. I don’t recap recaps of recaps… Not unless there’s something worthy of recapping anyway. And there wasn’t, so I won’t. Read Danny T’s report.

We’re back, and damn it, Christy Hemme is on the line. She’s even perky on the phone. She puts herself over about loving the company, she sounds JUST A HAIR more genuine than Carmella did. I guess my vote would go to Christy, if I gave a damn enough to pick up the phone. Anyway, Christy takes us on a boring trip down memory lane as she relives her experience in the Diva Search from the initial stages to being a finalist. Yay. She talks about how much she loved kicking Coach’s ass, and is asked about the money. She says she doesn’t want to think about winning the cash in case she doesn’t get it, or something. She says she loves the rough crowd, and that’s why the fans are drawn to her over Carmella. She’s asked about WWE Fantasy, and I have to know why the hell Matthews and Lloyd are so orgasmic about the whole thing. Christy says her favorite star is Triple H, and her favorite diva is Trish Stratus, although she doesn’t do a good job explaining why. She clicks off, and I pray that if we have to pick one of these two, we pick Christy; the lesser of two evils, you know?

Matthews and Lloyd keep on talking about WWE Fantasy. Shit, these two must have spent half their lives down the in the basement of their mothers’ houses playing Dungeons and Dragons until 2 AM every weekend. No wonder I like seeing Matthews getting besmirched. Anywho, they chat about Josh’s injury, then hype Vince’s announcement, then hype Big Show’s decision about who to smack around for No Mercy. Josh mentions how cool his room is because his TV is hooked up to his computer and blah blah blah. My comp is hooked up to my TV too, and I really don’t see why that’s a big accomplishment. Yawn. They AGAIN talk about WWE Fantasy, specifically that Matthews and Lloyd will play along unofficially with it. Then they mention that they hope to have news on Lita’s and her baby’s health. No comment.

Coach is on to rescue the show from the depths of hell. He opens by talking about that it’s the last time two chicks will beat the crap out of him, and how he was seeing stars till Tuesday. Apparently two thin-armed females with oversized balloon boxing gloves managed to hurt him as bad as the Rock. Coach then says Christy will win, which damn near guarantees she won’t; too bad.

A caller named James hits the airwaves through technical difficulties. He sort of asks about Coach’s role in Unforgiven. Coach recaps himself while they play a video of it. Coach says that Orton should be shaking in his boots after RKOing him. Heh. Coach is asked by Matthews about why Rock hates him, and Coach replies that it’s because of jealousy. In Pure Dickhead Mode, Coach says that WWE inserts canned crowd noise into the system when The Rock comes, especially when he beats on him. Wow. Coach says he’s bound for Hollywood and will walk all over Rock on the movie front… once the opportunity comes, anyway.

Here comes another caller named Matt, who actually DOESN’T have technical issues. He asks that if Coach was stuck on a desert island and could have one of the ten finalists, who would it be? As sad as it is, Coach is totally carrying the show here, saying that it’s a tough choice since all ten wanted him at some point. (I’m telling you, his delivery of his lines was EXTREMELY solid, and I give props to anyone who can improv well.) He finally settles on choosing Camille Anderson, saying that at some point she loved good-looking Italian black men. She wasn’t specifically talking about the coach, apparently, but that’s him to a tee. Gold, baby.

The hosts try to derail Coach’s momentum by mentioning that he is not on WWE Fantasy. Coach says that there’s simply a mass conspiracy against him, especially around wwe.com. They talk about Browns football, then Tennessee (college) football, and that’s when the show loses its rhythm a bit. Why the hell are these guys CONSTANTLY talking football? Coach puts himself over, and wonders why wwe.com forced him to be in the middle of the show. HBK, the next guest, should have been in the middle and Coach at the end so they could end on a high note. hehe… Coach is out, and we go to a break.

The Taker and JBL will have a Last Ride Match, and HBK was on the Highlight Reel. Whoopie.

So now Shawn Michaels himself is on the phone. He sounds kind of down, and a baby is crying in the background. He’s asked and answers about his match with Kane and the sucker punch from Christian. We find that there’s no one he’s interested in wrestling specifically, not that there’s no one he doesn’t want to wrestle, but that he can’t think of any one name. Matthews asks him about being a guest speaker at an event called 2004 Men’s Power Luncheon in San Antonio, but his cell phone clicks off. Damn.

To fill time, the hosts mention that HBK has his own wrestling academy. Guys like Spanky and Paul London were trained by him. They show a quick clip of him and his ladder match with Razor Ramon in Wrestlemania X. They then discuss WWE Fuckin’ Fantasy again, about HBK’s value and yada yada yada. While Lloyd continues to drone on and on about it, Matthews listens to the Byte This! producer. He and Lloyd proceed to have a cat fight about Matthews not paying enough attention to him. Sigh.

HBK is back now. He says the crying baby is his 4-week-old daughter, who doesn’t like riding in the car. Josh repeats his question about the 2004 Men’s Power Luncheon. When they first discussed it, it sounded like some sort of health expo, but it’s actually a religious thing. Basically, it’s to hype an organization called International Children’s Hope, and it tries to get people together to… well, help children. Specifically, Shawn is trying to raise money to get an orphanage built in Honduras.

Shawn continues by calling men lazy, and that they need to get out more and do more for the good of the planet. There’s more to being a man and a “daddy” than just going to work. Shawn’s all, “you ask me a deep question, I ramble,” and rambles about that for that for a minute.

They wrap up the interview by asking him if he’s got any material goal left in the WWE, and he says no. His goal now is to get religious fans on his side, and to be more open with their faith. He implies that this is his “final run,” although I may just be trying to hear something interesting. Shawn clicks off. Despite being one of the most charismatic superstars, he bored me to tears here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-religion or anything, but he didn’t say ANYTHING about WWE events aside from short asides.

The hosts wrap up the show, plug events for next week (Diva Search finale, season premiers of both RAW and SmackDown!, Vince’s announcement), plug WWE Fantasy one more time just to piss ME off, and they bid their goodbyes.

The final video of the day shows the schmoz of Orton, Evolution, Benoit, and Benjamin from last Monday. With no Outthink The Fink answers to give this time around, I’m out too. Take care all, and I’ll see you next week!



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