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How Many Stacy Keiblers Does It
Take to Screw In a Light Bulb?
October 21, 2004

by PyroFalkon
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


So the Yankees go down not just in a ball of fire, but a ball of fire that is exploding more with every run scored against them. The Red Sox go to The Big Dance (or any other stupid euphemism you wish to use for the World Series), and Boston feels vindicated for the first time in decades. So only one thought crosses my mind as we watch History In The Making…

Why, oh God why, couldn’t it have been the Cubs?

Last year, the big news was that the possibility of seeing a Cubs/Red Sox series was there, seeing the two lovable losers in a 7-game match to the death. Last year both teams fell short, of course. This year though, Red Sox have done it, and half the dream match has been filled. 

Here’s an idea. Let’s pull a Taboo Tuesday

and have THE FANS vote for the Red Sox’s opponent this year! I know it’s not fair to Houston or St. Louis, but hey, both of them are in the Central Division in the National League, and so are the Cubs! So give the Cubs a free pass to the World Series, and they can represent the whole division, INCLUDING the Astros and Cardinals! It’ll be like Houston AND St. Louis are there!

What, that’s illogical? Yeah, I know, I’m not buying it either. But still, Houston and St. Louis haven’t spent nearly 100 years without the MLB’s top honor. Let’s see the top two underdogs have the Series, and we can get back to normal for the 2005 season. Yeah! Who’s with me??? It would be like seeing Tajiri and Rey Mysterio Jr. fight for both the WWE Heavyweight Title and World Heavyweight Title! w00t!!!

See? I can make it wrestling-relevant. And speaking of being wrestling-relevant, Rick publicly said my column WILL see cyberspace before I die and/or get fired, which rules. When you read it though, just remember I finished it up on Tuesday, so when I say I’m looking forward to Kane and Snitsky’s match “tonight,” I’m actually referring to Taboo Tuesday. It wasn’t a result of me pulling a Rick or an Erin and getting plastered while writing. No, I save THAT for recaps.

Which reminds me, I need to get to it before I lose my audience here to October Fever.

Quick, straw poll! Who’s the more worthless duo: Carmella DeCesare and Christy Hemme, or Josh Matthews and Mark Lloyd?

So from the beginning, SWERVE~! Josh Matthews isn’t there! But… Mark Lloyd is, and no one replaced Matthews? Huh.

Okay, opening run down, blah blah blah. Nothing really interesting was said aside from Chavo returning on SmackDown! tomorrow. And every other sentence, Lloyd is clearing his throat; highly annoying, he must be sick. Bring in the hosting duo of Steel Chair and Lead Pipe! WWE Fantasy talk ensues, followed by Taboo Tuesday talk And then, video break!

…Um, what? No video? Sweet, they changed the format on the archived versions of the show! No more watching this shit live, I’m going to do all my recapping from archived copies! Woo hoo!

(How about that? This is only my 6th recap and I’m already getting cynical! I guess Josh Matthews and Mark Lloyd will do that to you!)

And we’re back, I guess… and Matthews is here? Well damn. Apparently, Josh was in a meeting with Vinny Mac, for what he doesn’t say. He’s wearing a purple suit with a white turtleneck. And I thought Rico’s wrestling gear was gay.

Anyway, BT is having technical issues and can’t get Droz online. Blah blah blah, Benoit won the tag belts by himself.

Hey, Droz is on now! He puts Taboo Tuesday over like it’s the only PPV the WWE produces. Then he pulls a Tazz and starts talking about the match psychology of the upcoming six-man tag match on SD. He’s STILL pulling a Tazz when he gets into how Chavo’s head is going to be ticking tomorrow on his return. And… that’s it? Droz is outta here. You know, it’s not really worth watching (like the last 20 minutes of the September 29 BT was), but Droz was definitely showing more personality and wrestling IQ this time than he has since I started recapping this.

Matthews now starts a catfight with Lloyd because Lloyd says we’re going to a vid break, and Matthews accuses him of trying to take over the show. “Because it’s MY show!” Matthews says. I don’t know, “RAW is Jericho” sounds better than “Byte This! is Matthews!,” don’t you think?

Uh… now we do have a video? Maybe the first one was a RAW Rebound or something. Perhaps the recaps are no longer recapping recaps? Rick is starting a trend. But anyway, this video plugs Mick Foley’s Tales From Wrescal Lane. I apologize for the spelling error from last week, mostly because I’m a perfectionist (despite making a hundred grammatical errors last time).

The second video shows Chris Nowinsky stripped down to his Harvard boxers, and Al Snow is there putting an H on his bare chest and back with red electrical tape. Nowinsky holds a sign that says “I am Yale’s Bitch,” and then proceeds to run around saying Yale’s number one and Harvard sucks. Apparently, Nowinsky lost a bet, or something.

And with that, we’re back to the show, and Nowinsky’s the friggin’ guest! Nowinsky opens by calling himself a beaver. (Okay, he said he was a “busy beaver with the SmackDown! Your Vote Campaign,” but still.) Nowinsky has spent his time writing columns trying to sell the democratic process to the young’uns, then proceeds to give a vanilla speech about it on BT. (“Voting is good! Vote, damnit!”)

Josh asks Nowinsky about Million Dollar Tough Enough, and then proceeds to remind us that both he and Josh were Tough Enough alumni, like that’s going to impress us or something. Blah blah blah… blah blah blah… blah? Carmella has shown more heel personality in the past two weeks than Nowinsky is showing any personality here, I shit you not.

Nowinsky puts over Al for no real reason. Josh then says everyone in the contest will have to do their best to… impress… the fans, who are going to be voting? Um, okay? Is that a new revelation, or do I not know it because I don’t watch SmackDown!? Either way, apparently the fans will be voting for the Tough Enough winners this time around. I really don’t think that’s going to help the ratings any, WWE. Nowinsky then says he disagrees with WWE policy and thinks the fans shouldn’t have the power to vote for Tough Enough winners? Hm, he sounded sincere, and they quickly moved onto the next segment. Maybe Nowinsky has personality after all.

Here comes a phone call, from a Canadian chick. Whoops, technical issues, and there’s no one there! Nowinsky says “I don’t expect hang ups on this show!” I guess he doesn’t watch BT much.

Apparently the majority of the Internet crowd who is watching the show wants to know when Nowinsky gets to come back. Um… okay? Nowinsky stutters and basically dodges the question, basically saying he’s still in bad shape and is taking things slowly. Nowinsky then plugs himself and says he’s writing a book about sports injuries against younger people, and why parents and coaches need to look into it.

Phone call from the same chick? Nope, another hang up. Nowinsky threatens to go to Canada and stalk the caller. Josh says he shouldn’t, because he couldn’t convince her or anyone else to vote because Canadian people don’t have a say in who the American President is. Um… wtf?

So after that rousing bit of stupidity, Nowinsky is off, raising the collective IQ of the show just a bit in the process. (Don’t worry, it’s still sufficiently in the negatives with Josh there.)

Video break: Million Dollar Tough Enough plug. Yay. Also a clip of Big Show saving Eddie’s hair from last week.

And now… WEEELLLLLL… WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Big Show is “doing groovy” for the interview. Josh asks whether Show and Eddie have an alliance, and Show gives a non-committal answer. He calls Kurt cool for winning a gold medal, but he’s better than him, so what about that? And if Kurt wants a rematch, well, just bring it! The hosts asks what it’s like to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. He says it’s like Pink Floyd: comfortably numb.

Big Show talks about his injuries and how he feels he’s doing really well, working out to dump fat and gain muscle. He doesn’t think he’s in the best shape of his life, because when he was playing basketball, he was a skinny 330 pounds. Heh. He says he’s down to 475 and wants to keep losing some of the crap weight and get down to 420 or 430. That should extend his career and give him some higher mobility in the ring. This whole bit is more interesting than anything Nowinsky said, in kind of an understated way.

Woah, a caller is in, and it works! Two part question: Any more Chef-Boy-R-Dee commercials? And second: What was it like to wrestle Big Boss Man? No one apparently heard the first part of the question, but he greatly puts over Traylor. Big Show is definitely not in character here, saying BBM was one of the “sweetest guys” you’ll ever know. If he was in character, I think Show would STILL be pissed about Big Boss Man jacking Show’s dad’s casket and driving off with it. That would seem like a sand-in-the-vagina caliber issue, no?

They move on to chat about Angle and his valets. Big Show calls Mark Jindrak pretty, and puts over the whole group and says how cool and talented they are, and how Angle himself always gets the job done. Show randomly talks about a Star Trek episode he’s in, and he’s looking at scripts to do some movies. Big Show’s out.

Vid break, and Stacy Kiebler (aka Lips Legs Breasts and Ass) is there with Make-A-Wish. The WWE is cool for doing Make-A-Wish, so says the vid clip. Another clip is shown, this one of Stacy’s match with Molly when Trish attempted to interfere.

LLB&A isn’t on the phone yet, so Josh and Mark have another catfight about Mark interrupting Josh. Everyone hooked into the BT online chat room proposes to Stacy. She’s on the phone now, so Josh relays that to her. Stacy’s first sentence in her Byte This! interview is EXTREMELY profound. Listen, you know I don’t do this much anymore, but she was showing the absolute depth of her character with the start of her promo, so I’m going to write verbatim what she said. Ready? Okay, here was her stellar opening:

“[2-second pause] What?”

BRILLIANT! The perfect intro for her leggy blondness! If that doesn’t prove Rick’s theory of Gimmick vs. Character, I don’t know what does!

Josh repeats the question, and Stacy replies that she should hold a contest and see what every guy is offering her, and then she’ll decide who she’ll marry. Josh says he’s Chuck Woolery, and he’ll be running this contest of Who Will Stacy Marry RIGHT HERE on The Love Connection, also known as Byte This!. I repeat: wtf?

SWERVE~! Josh decides to start the interview! Pulling a Todd Grisham, he opens with a tough dialog, which again tests the depths of Stacy’s character:

JM: “Stacy, how’s it going?”
LLB&A: “[1-second pause to find words] I’m good!”

I shit you not, that’s verbatim also. If you don’t believe me, check out the archived show, and put the marker at 37:10. I’m quickly losing brain cells here, folks, and it’s not from the Mountain Dew I’m drinking.

Mark asks about how Taboo Tuesday. Stacy’s all “Wow, that was cool! I’m glad the fans picked the schoolgirl outfits! It was the cutest, and we had no idea what was going to be chosen!” Note to everyone involved with Byte This!: Start reading OO. Maybe, just maybe, you won’t look as blond when you get interviewed.

Everyone cracks on Molly for what she was wearing, blah blah blah. Stacy puts herself over for beating Molly when she has, saying she outsmarted her and that’s how she won. Stacy outsmarted Molly? And back to the caffeine cabinet I go!

Mark calls Stacy a good wrestler, and Stacy continues to talk about showing more talent in the ring. I wonder if they’re thinking about making Stacy more of a Nidia than a Terri Runnels?

Josh now asks why she and Trish don’t get along. Stacy says it’s because Trish doesn’t get along with anyone, because Trish is jealous of everyone. Yeah. Josh follows that up with “Was it because you were picked as the 2004 Babe of the Year?” Why is it that JOSH MATTHEWS gets the first call to bring up a possible storyline point?

Stacy says Trish is so stupid for saying “I’m the three-time Babe of the Year.” Stacy decides to mock Trish by imitating her voice while saying this, which entails Stacy simply making her own real voice one octave higher. Yeah, THAT’S a good impersonation. Stacy wraps up with “Well Trish, you’re not the four-time Babe of the Year.” Well Stacy, NEITHER ARE YOU, so what are you getting at? At least SAY that she can go to hell since the people hate bitches and want you because you’re nice and wonderful and hotter or something! Get a writer!

Josh asks how it feels to beat Trish in the BotY contest, vanilla answer. They’re going to do photo shoots later, and it’s all about the fans… so they may take a poll to see what the photos will be? Weird, I guess the WWE really is getting into the whole fan interaction thing. The thing is, unless one of the outfits Stacy can wear for the poll is “birthday suit,” I don’t see why anyone would give even a first glance at it. The poll, I mean, not the pics.

Josh asks about the diva photo shoot in Cancun. Blah blah blah, everyone was hot, blah blah blah, the diva magazine gets better every year, blah blah blah, young-to-mid-teenagers will get hard-ons for it, blah blah blah.

Josh spills the beans and says that Christy and Carmella got shot in Cancun too, so how were they? Stacy says she didn’t see them, so she doesn’t know. Josh asks how she likes them, and Stacy says “Well, I saw their match [at Taboo Tuesday].” After a few seconds of dead air, Josh says “And…?” Mark chimes in “Wasn’t it great?” Stacy says “Yeah, it was a great match! Did you guys like it?” Mark says “Yeah, it was a great match! Did you like it?” Stacy says “Well… it was entertaining, I guess.” I am basking in the golden light of genius with the depth of this interview, people.

Stacy actually pulls a minor Tazz here and says her attention was focused on their feet. Apparently for the match they had forgotten to take their shoes off, and with those spiky high heels, Stacy wondered if they would break their ankles. I have to give her some credit: you can hear it in Stacy’s voice that the unspoken part was “And I was really pissed off that they didn’t, because now we have to continue to watch them.” The hosts respond in full Beavis mode by basically saying “heh, heh, we weren’t looking at the shoes, heh, heh.”

Josh asks Stacy a “more important” question: What does she do for Make-A-Wish? She says she’s inspired because her friend died from leukemia, and the friend apparently passed away just before she got her wish granted. To sort of make up for it, Stacy has been personally involved in it for a long time, and she really feels privileged for the chance to do so. Okay, to steal Rick’s phrase he’s so fond of saying, she made me eat crow here. That was kind of interesting.

Mark asks if she’s got any other projects at the moment. Stacy’s got the BotY shoot coming, and the whole WWE is doing stuff for the troops coming home and so on. Josh is ready to let her go, but Mark quickly tells her that the chat room is full of people who are now saying that she needs to keep the schoolgirl outfit. Stacy says maybe she’ll make it part of her new wrestling attire, and it’ll help her win matches. Wow, after that brief, truly insightful and sincere moment with the whole Make-A-Wish thing, all is right with the world again.

As soon as she clicks off, Josh says he’s going to pretend that his chair is mechanical. He pretends that there’s a control stick on the left armrest, then makes a poor attempt of a faux mechanical sound as he spins the chair left and right. Wow. This happens at 44:44 in the playback, in case you think I’m making it up again.

They wrap up by plugging Tough Enough, and then they segue into a mini-preview for SmackDown!, and we’re out of here with a vid break of the Carlito Cool vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. match from last week.

Cool, that wasn’t too bad of a show. It only lasted 46 minutes or so (not counting the final video), even less than last time. Stacy’s interview was extremely entertaining, and for ALL the wrong reasons. I am sincere when I say that the whole Make-A-Wish thing – at least, the part where she talks about why she got into it – was pretty interesting. But other than that, the rest of the interview was a total riot, and again, it was for all the wrong reasons. But that doesn’t make it less funny.

Meanwhile, Droz and Big Show had moments where they seemed pretty Tazz-like. Neither interview was anything stellar, but they didn’t suck either. Chris Nowinsky’s interview, on the other hand, was totally worthless, but what do you expect? On the whole… thumbs up for this episode.

Okay, I’m out. See you next week!



SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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